I feel that I must go now...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
I feel that I must go now...
I know I have kept everyone busy with posts lately, especially about my sometimes recovering, sometimes not recovering AH's inappriopriate relations with womyn. (There was yet a new one who texted him at 4 am to say "I miss you"...of course he had fabulous excuses for that one). I have been making personal progress thinking of my goals and trying to detach the best I know how. I have a plan that is honestly barely moving along. And then...
This evening, my H took my son to soccer practice. He hasn't been using, while he did have a relapse, I believed he was back on board. I didn't see symptoms. But when he came back from soccer, he smelled of alcohol. That is right, he took my son to soccer and bought beer along the way at some point (unless he already had it in the car) and drank it while driving I suppose my son home. I smelled it on his breath and responded with "Look do whatever is you are going to do, but you don't dare blank blank drive my son around while you are doing it. Don't even blank blank have it in his presence under any circumstance. No response from him.
I don't think this is something a mother can ignore. I don't know how serious he is even taking his recovery, with at least 2 relapses in like a week and a serious cutback on meetings (not that I said a word, not my job)...It seems like he is just back to being an active addict. I feel that I have no real choice but to ask him to leave.
I don't know what to do. He will want to pick up the kids and take them places then but now I don't feel ok with him driving them.
Does anyone have any advice or encouragement or validation of this situation for me? I can use it all!
I am so weak right now and it will take so much strength to tell the man that I love despite everything to please leave our home.
This evening, my H took my son to soccer practice. He hasn't been using, while he did have a relapse, I believed he was back on board. I didn't see symptoms. But when he came back from soccer, he smelled of alcohol. That is right, he took my son to soccer and bought beer along the way at some point (unless he already had it in the car) and drank it while driving I suppose my son home. I smelled it on his breath and responded with "Look do whatever is you are going to do, but you don't dare blank blank drive my son around while you are doing it. Don't even blank blank have it in his presence under any circumstance. No response from him.
I don't think this is something a mother can ignore. I don't know how serious he is even taking his recovery, with at least 2 relapses in like a week and a serious cutback on meetings (not that I said a word, not my job)...It seems like he is just back to being an active addict. I feel that I have no real choice but to ask him to leave.
I don't know what to do. He will want to pick up the kids and take them places then but now I don't feel ok with him driving them.
Does anyone have any advice or encouragement or validation of this situation for me? I can use it all!
I am so weak right now and it will take so much strength to tell the man that I love despite everything to please leave our home.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
To make this decision better for you, perhaps you can take the time to sit down and make a list of reasons for and against this decision.
I agree that the safety of the children, who are innocents in all this, must come first. However, if you do not feel strong enough to be able to tell him to go and then keep the boundary (no coming back until clean or whatever YOUR boundary is) you will need to set boundaries on a lower level...
IOW telling a partner or spouse or child to leave and then not letting them back is a really big thing to do. If you don't think you can keep that, can you stop him from taking them to practice (driving anywhere with them in the car), split up finances and financial responsibilities (such as car insurance for his car in his name and the title for his car in his name and yours in yours, separate checking accounts, bank accounts etc.).
No one here will tell you to go or stay or tell him to leave. Those are your choices and they are not easy ones. We all will support you as you make those choices, regardless of the level of the boundaries you can set.
Good luck and best wishes.
I agree that the safety of the children, who are innocents in all this, must come first. However, if you do not feel strong enough to be able to tell him to go and then keep the boundary (no coming back until clean or whatever YOUR boundary is) you will need to set boundaries on a lower level...
IOW telling a partner or spouse or child to leave and then not letting them back is a really big thing to do. If you don't think you can keep that, can you stop him from taking them to practice (driving anywhere with them in the car), split up finances and financial responsibilities (such as car insurance for his car in his name and the title for his car in his name and yours in yours, separate checking accounts, bank accounts etc.).
No one here will tell you to go or stay or tell him to leave. Those are your choices and they are not easy ones. We all will support you as you make those choices, regardless of the level of the boundaries you can set.
Good luck and best wishes.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It is your choice, your life. Only you know what is best for you and in turn for your son.
Drinking and driving is bad enough, but, when you add doing it while your son is in the car, and bringing his life into the equasion, he has overstepped a boundry.
Drinking and driving is bad enough, but, when you add doing it while your son is in the car, and bringing his life into the equasion, he has overstepped a boundry.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
This must have been very scary for you, and I believe you are 100% right...this is not something a mother can ignore. The safety of your children comes first and your focus is right on point to think about them and you. When he is not using, I think he has an appreciation of that as well. Unfortunatley, even when a person is a loving parent, when in active use, those thoughts go to the back behind the active addiction.
I think Elana's point is quite valid...If you do not feel you can enforce the boundary of go and do not come back unless you have serious clean time, then smaller boundaries that keep your kids safe are a good first step. I know there are parents on here who have had visitation specifically limited to clean UA's or who only allow supervised visitation to protect their kids. The system is sometimes very challenging but usually works to protect children.
Hugs and prayers.
I think Elana's point is quite valid...If you do not feel you can enforce the boundary of go and do not come back unless you have serious clean time, then smaller boundaries that keep your kids safe are a good first step. I know there are parents on here who have had visitation specifically limited to clean UA's or who only allow supervised visitation to protect their kids. The system is sometimes very challenging but usually works to protect children.
Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
I am sorry you are going through this mess. I can not tell you what is best for you, only you know that. I will tell you I would do anything and everything in my power to protect my child. That is what you did when you told AH what you did. Take time and listen to YOU, you will know what is best for you in time. There is no rule here that says you have to do this today. I agree you should protect yourself, put his car in his name, his insurance in his name, this can protect you if he should get a ticket, or worse.
Turn to your HP, and ask him/her to guide you. Tell your H what you feel, and what you can not put up with anymore. If you feel you can say and mean if you don't do this, than this is what will happen, do it.
I will pray for you that you find the peace in yourself to do the right thing for YOU and your child/children.
Turn to your HP, and ask him/her to guide you. Tell your H what you feel, and what you can not put up with anymore. If you feel you can say and mean if you don't do this, than this is what will happen, do it.
I will pray for you that you find the peace in yourself to do the right thing for YOU and your child/children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I will say my RAH never drove or did anything with our son. Even the times he came home messed up he always went right upstairs and wouldn't let our son see him.
But there where times I would worry when I went out, what if he used or drank. There was one time in the beginning I didn't even know he was using drugs, but our son was sleeping in the house, I was out and came home and he was in our neighbors driveway drinking - I let him have it right there and it never happen again.
I like the idea of reading your post as if someone else wrote it. Sometimes I have read what I wrote and think "I am crazy"!
But there where times I would worry when I went out, what if he used or drank. There was one time in the beginning I didn't even know he was using drugs, but our son was sleeping in the house, I was out and came home and he was in our neighbors driveway drinking - I let him have it right there and it never happen again.
I like the idea of reading your post as if someone else wrote it. Sometimes I have read what I wrote and think "I am crazy"!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, and you are right, sounds like he is in active mode. its your call, do what you have to do to protect you and your son. i've been seperated a lot, and i know that alot of seperations may not have been the best thing that i could have done but it is what it was. i don't have a problem sticking to the no useing boundary. like you, i may try to overlook one relapse cause sometimes thats what it may take but for me to live in active addiction again, i don't think so.
i know it hurts but you have to do what you know will work for you. you make your own rules for your life. if you decide to seperate, try not to look at it like its forever, it hurts more that way. try to only get through one day a time, and don't think pass that day, you are not allowed to think about tommorrow or there after, only that one day. it helps.
if you have to, try to seperate yourself emotionally and financially if you decide you are not quite ready to do it physically, that helps too. sorry that this is happening. believe me, i know how you feel, but you will feel better, if you work hard at thinking only about you, your son and what you need to do to make your lives better.
half of the time, i try not to even see my rah around here, he blends in with the walls. if you know what i mean. keeping you in my prayers
i know it hurts but you have to do what you know will work for you. you make your own rules for your life. if you decide to seperate, try not to look at it like its forever, it hurts more that way. try to only get through one day a time, and don't think pass that day, you are not allowed to think about tommorrow or there after, only that one day. it helps.
if you have to, try to seperate yourself emotionally and financially if you decide you are not quite ready to do it physically, that helps too. sorry that this is happening. believe me, i know how you feel, but you will feel better, if you work hard at thinking only about you, your son and what you need to do to make your lives better.
half of the time, i try not to even see my rah around here, he blends in with the walls. if you know what i mean. keeping you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
It does sound to me as well that he is in active mode, my exah always drank, but it always seemed he would drink more frequently and drink the hard stuff while he was active or heading for a relapse..years ago I didn't know the red flags, but by reading and coming to our "family" I know it to be true...
Drinking and driving is a criminal offense...and it's bad enough when they only involve themselves but to involve a child is soooo very wrong.....and I think you reacted the way anyone would have. That is one of the things with addicts they can be so self centered, and not think of anyone else, just their wants, and don't see anything wrong with their actions.... I know it's hard to be strong, just do what you need to do now.....and keep on protecting yourself and your son......I'll be praying for you hun....
Liz
Drinking and driving is a criminal offense...and it's bad enough when they only involve themselves but to involve a child is soooo very wrong.....and I think you reacted the way anyone would have. That is one of the things with addicts they can be so self centered, and not think of anyone else, just their wants, and don't see anything wrong with their actions.... I know it's hard to be strong, just do what you need to do now.....and keep on protecting yourself and your son......I'll be praying for you hun....
Liz
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I have been scanning posts now since i joined last night . after reading booklover's post i felt the need to respond . what ive learned so far from reading is that we do not judge here , what is best for me may not always be whats best for everyone else but with more support you get more advise , more examples of things that did work for other people so we get more choices and that can be very empowering . i had a similiar situation (havent we all!) my husband is now a recovering alcoholic/addict but last summer he spent in and out of rehab , in fact our youngest child was born when he was away . (we have 4 kids) . i think it was in between rehab 1 & 2 ( or was it 2 & 3 ????) , that he disappeared for a week , he had never done that before , it was obvious that he was using and i was afraid . i went to the courthouse and filed for custody of our kids . by doing this i was set up with a court date and told that because of my husbands history , if he came to see the kids before the court date i could just call the police and have him removed . i was also told that after the court date he would be lucky to have even supervised visitation . i know all areas are different, and believe me it was the biggest step i ever took and the most humbling but at the same time incredibly rewarding . just knowing there were options and ways to protect myself and my kids gave me great strength . by the time or court date came around he was back in rehab so the date got post-poned and eventually cancelled . maybe you can look into your courts and see what options you have there . it helped get me through from one point in my neverending journey to another and it might help you too , no matter what the outcome .
very happy to have found this site . im setting my husband up with his own login as well so we can learn together and he can benefit too . it is truly one day at a time . thank you for having me
very happy to have found this site . im setting my husband up with his own login as well so we can learn together and he can benefit too . it is truly one day at a time . thank you for having me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Booklover,
You are an awesome mom.
I can just tell.
One look at that precious little boy of yours will give you all the strength you need.
You don't have to figure everything out at once...one step at a time...you will get where you need to go...
Big hugs from one mom to another...
You are an awesome mom.
I can just tell.
One look at that precious little boy of yours will give you all the strength you need.
You don't have to figure everything out at once...one step at a time...you will get where you need to go...
Big hugs from one mom to another...
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I don't think this is something a mother can ignore. I don't know how serious he is even taking his recovery, with at least 2 relapses in like a week and a serious cutback on meetings (not that I said a word, not my job)...It seems like he is just back to being an active addict. I feel that I have no real choice but to ask him to leave..>>>>>>>>>
Well your right only he can know that, although it doesn't sound to great...
For me it would not matter if his recovery was #1 or #100 on his list, if it were my kid that he was driving around drunk or high???? There is nothing more to ask...
I've missed what's going on w/him & you, but whatever it is, that can always be fixed later if you so shall choose, it can be a temporary problem or something that can be dealt w/ in time in the future.
If he hurts your kid, in ANY way, shape or form? Life as you know it, is over. It's not worth it. He makes a mistake like that, it can't be fixed..
Plus don't think kids don't pick up on the messages, the signals, they see this stuff, they learn it from somewhere..
I am so weak right now and it will take so much strength to tell the man that I love despite everything to please leave our home}}}}}
You are stronger than you think.... Reach inside yourself, and find that inner strength. When I stopped meth, I thought I had nothing left in me, esp. after it was out of my system for a week or so.. We are always stronger than we think... Listen to what you tell yourself. The brain believes what it hears.
Start telling yourself different things, You can do this sweetie....
Well your right only he can know that, although it doesn't sound to great...
For me it would not matter if his recovery was #1 or #100 on his list, if it were my kid that he was driving around drunk or high???? There is nothing more to ask...
I've missed what's going on w/him & you, but whatever it is, that can always be fixed later if you so shall choose, it can be a temporary problem or something that can be dealt w/ in time in the future.
If he hurts your kid, in ANY way, shape or form? Life as you know it, is over. It's not worth it. He makes a mistake like that, it can't be fixed..
Plus don't think kids don't pick up on the messages, the signals, they see this stuff, they learn it from somewhere..
I am so weak right now and it will take so much strength to tell the man that I love despite everything to please leave our home}}}}}
You are stronger than you think.... Reach inside yourself, and find that inner strength. When I stopped meth, I thought I had nothing left in me, esp. after it was out of my system for a week or so.. We are always stronger than we think... Listen to what you tell yourself. The brain believes what it hears.
Start telling yourself different things, You can do this sweetie....
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