How could I be so stupid- advice needed!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
How could I be so stupid- advice needed!
Well... tonight we had made plans for him to come over. He was to begin his outpatient here in the city tomorrow. (Later he tells me he is working tomorrow so he can't go to rehab--- what i see a lousy excuse. At the time I was understanding- HA!)
He does not call me all day (odd) and does not answer when I call him twice.
As I mentioned in a previous post he tells me his going to the doctors- I semi-freaked out and he is patient with me assuring me that everything is okay. That all my fears are just fears and are unwarranted. He tells me all kinds of things and I pressure him about the discrepencies and he tells me more reassuring stories.
Now...
Who goes to teh Dr. on a Fri night from 5:30-8:30PM. Does not make sense.
Within this time I am freaking out, obsessively going out of my mind (something I told myself I would NEVER allow him to make me do again!), feeling like I was in excruciating pain waiting for him to call. I call three times- no answer.
He finally calls me back and my observation was he was slurring his words- telling me multiple stories that didn't make sense. Not making much sense himself. I ask the same question and he tells me different answers.
But still I distrust myself to know the signs... I am still unsure...
I erupt into tears. Thinking: HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID...
I feel deep, deep emotional pain just writing this.
When I think back on this-- how can someone weave such a web of intricate lies is beyond me? What type of human does that? And how could someone like that EVER love me ? They don't have the capacity to it seems.
I feel stupid. Depleted.
He does not call me all day (odd) and does not answer when I call him twice.
As I mentioned in a previous post he tells me his going to the doctors- I semi-freaked out and he is patient with me assuring me that everything is okay. That all my fears are just fears and are unwarranted. He tells me all kinds of things and I pressure him about the discrepencies and he tells me more reassuring stories.
Now...
Who goes to teh Dr. on a Fri night from 5:30-8:30PM. Does not make sense.
Within this time I am freaking out, obsessively going out of my mind (something I told myself I would NEVER allow him to make me do again!), feeling like I was in excruciating pain waiting for him to call. I call three times- no answer.
He finally calls me back and my observation was he was slurring his words- telling me multiple stories that didn't make sense. Not making much sense himself. I ask the same question and he tells me different answers.
But still I distrust myself to know the signs... I am still unsure...
I erupt into tears. Thinking: HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID...
I feel deep, deep emotional pain just writing this.
When I think back on this-- how can someone weave such a web of intricate lies is beyond me? What type of human does that? And how could someone like that EVER love me ? They don't have the capacity to it seems.
I feel stupid. Depleted.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
welcome to the wonderful world of addiction. Its what they do, read the stickies at the top of the post here they are right on. its not him its the addict in him
you need to take care of yourself, once you get that going it feels like things get somewhat bareable
good luck
you need to take care of yourself, once you get that going it feels like things get somewhat bareable
good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I'm sorry you are still in his "web". It is difficult to get out of this web that you want to believe so bad. I think most of us here start out to be very trusting people and we want to see and believe the best in our addicts. But remember that the person we see as the addict is a different person that we see as a clean and sober person in active recovery. Expect nothing from them and you won't be disappointed.
Try to get out of his web. As long as you are still in it, you will be disappointed. You have control over you and your actions; not him or anythhing about him. Think about what you need right now, (and it's not the roller coaster ride he has you on IMHO).
Read about detatchment. It has taken me about 10 months to finally learn how to detatch, but life becomes so much easier. Take one day at a time to work on what you need.
I know this is painful, I am experiencing this with my daughter. Please take care of YOU; you deserve to be happy.
HUGS
Terri
Try to get out of his web. As long as you are still in it, you will be disappointed. You have control over you and your actions; not him or anythhing about him. Think about what you need right now, (and it's not the roller coaster ride he has you on IMHO).
Read about detatchment. It has taken me about 10 months to finally learn how to detatch, but life becomes so much easier. Take one day at a time to work on what you need.
I know this is painful, I am experiencing this with my daughter. Please take care of YOU; you deserve to be happy.
HUGS
Terri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I'm sorry you have to go thru this. It is not the person, but the addict. It helps me if I view them as 2 different beings...that is the only way any of it makes sense. You have people here who understand the devastation this disease can cause and have suggestions to help you take care of you because you cannot control him or his behavior, only your own.You will be surprised to find that someone here, probably many someones including myself, could have written your post...peace...Marian
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm sorry you feel such pain. Depleted...yes, I can understand that...loving an addict is incredibly draining when you are still learning how to gather some tools. But you are not stupid, please don't beat yourself up.
It's very difficult if not impossible for a nonaddict to comprehend how an addict thinks. But when he is stuck in active addiction, the person he is is hidden behind the disease...and nothing YOU do can change that. That's his stuff...He has to make the choice to endure the pain of getting clean. And usually addicts can't face that until they are done and the pain of using is greater than the pain of getting clean. I believe it is pretty impossible for an addict in active addiction to love. The drug is the first mistress and a demnding one at that.
But that's about him..It helped me to remember that this process for us is baby steps. Most of us can't just cut things off over night...say that's it and move on to "happily ever after" somewhere else. Many have stayed and want to stay, but they have found ways to change themzselves to stay healthy.
It also helped me when i really understood the phrase "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I had such a hard time understanding why my addict kept doing such crazy, hurtful things. Then I finally looked in the mirror and saw the crazy things I kept doing over and over. Nothing changed until I chose to change. Once I took that first step, the baby steps added up. Hugs.
It's very difficult if not impossible for a nonaddict to comprehend how an addict thinks. But when he is stuck in active addiction, the person he is is hidden behind the disease...and nothing YOU do can change that. That's his stuff...He has to make the choice to endure the pain of getting clean. And usually addicts can't face that until they are done and the pain of using is greater than the pain of getting clean. I believe it is pretty impossible for an addict in active addiction to love. The drug is the first mistress and a demnding one at that.
But that's about him..It helped me to remember that this process for us is baby steps. Most of us can't just cut things off over night...say that's it and move on to "happily ever after" somewhere else. Many have stayed and want to stay, but they have found ways to change themzselves to stay healthy.
It also helped me when i really understood the phrase "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I had such a hard time understanding why my addict kept doing such crazy, hurtful things. Then I finally looked in the mirror and saw the crazy things I kept doing over and over. Nothing changed until I chose to change. Once I took that first step, the baby steps added up. Hugs.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
Who goes to teh Dr. on a Fri night from 5:30-8:30PM. Does not make sense.
-- how can someone weave such a web of intricate lies is beyond me? What type of human does that? And how could someone like that EVER love me ? They don't have the capacity to it seems.
I feel stupid. Depleted.
Never heard of a dr. appt from 5:30-8:30 pm. Your gut will tell or is telling you what to believe.
And how can someone weave such a web of lies? Easy for an addict. I'm sure he doesn't want to be doing it, but his addiction is controling his life and his decisions at this point.
Try to get the focus back on you. And remember those 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Change it and you can't Control it.
If you don't go to face to face meetings, I'd recommend them. They've really helped me get some peace, sanity and balance back to my life. Sounds like you could use some. And if you go, give it 6 tries at least before you say it's not for you.
Hang in there. There can be better days ahead. We just have to make them for ourselves.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
welcome to the board!
i kow what ure going trough is very hard. its not easty when u love someone ,, and see thm destroy themself and everyone around them.
addicts always find some kind of storries to postpone the true .
its not our fault to belive thethings they say welove them and wantto trustthem its very natural,., so dont feel guilty or sad . iknow always wheni find the real story i feel like this,, but its not us so .
#1 yourenot stupid
#2 youre aloving person that cares,, thats why u wanto trust
# dont feel bad
do good thiings to yourself and love yourself.
and i hope he will be good too and getinto treatment,, but adicts need towantit by themself tobe in rehab. they have towantit ,, other wise itw ill not work.
i hope you find here the support and love ,, its like family here ,,people really care about u.i find itvery helpfull forme,, my husband is an crack and heroin addict.
GOd bless u
i kow what ure going trough is very hard. its not easty when u love someone ,, and see thm destroy themself and everyone around them.
addicts always find some kind of storries to postpone the true .
its not our fault to belive thethings they say welove them and wantto trustthem its very natural,., so dont feel guilty or sad . iknow always wheni find the real story i feel like this,, but its not us so .
#1 yourenot stupid
#2 youre aloving person that cares,, thats why u wanto trust
# dont feel bad
do good thiings to yourself and love yourself.
and i hope he will be good too and getinto treatment,, but adicts need towantit by themself tobe in rehab. they have towantit ,, other wise itw ill not work.
i hope you find here the support and love ,, its like family here ,,people really care about u.i find itvery helpfull forme,, my husband is an crack and heroin addict.
GOd bless u
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i for one could have written your post, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not stupid. i thought that i was crazy when i first came here, found out that i wasn't and that this whole thing had nothing to do with me at all. its all about the choices that my addict makes. its so common for you to feel the way that you do and it is so common for him to act the way that he does, thats what addicts do and thats how they act. i believe that he loves you in the only way that he can right now, but he can't love you the way you need to be loved cause he don't love himself right now. his addiction has made that impossible.
i'm sorry for your pain, i know how bad you want for what he say to be true, but i'm learning to pay more attention to actions over words. addicts sometimes tell you what you want to here if it can benefit them and their drugs use. try not to that the blame for his actions, he may try to blame you for everything that happens, or manipulation is one of their favorite weapons. he's an addict and that how addicts are.
like the others said, you and your life can get better with or without your addict. i have stayed up and paced the floor going back and forth to the window, many nights, i've been doing this for 20yrs off and on. it does not get better until you decides that you are gonna do what you need to do for your own life to get better and leave him to his own misery. don't mean that you have to physically leave him, thats a choice that you'll have to make when you feel that its best for you. me personally, i had to do it physically, his behavior was making me crazy.
there are times though that i stayed, had to set boundaries that i could stick to if i had to, and a lot of the times i had to, but i learned to be ok with myself and my decision to seperate. i'm having to learn how not to allow those obsessive thoughts to evade my thinking. maybe its time for you to decide what you want for your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal. it can get better for you even if your addict dont get better. its takes a commitment to focus solely on you and allow your addict to take care or himself. he may have to hit rock bottom before he'll have a desire to do something to save himself and thats something that you can not do anything that will help him want to do. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i'm sorry for your pain, i know how bad you want for what he say to be true, but i'm learning to pay more attention to actions over words. addicts sometimes tell you what you want to here if it can benefit them and their drugs use. try not to that the blame for his actions, he may try to blame you for everything that happens, or manipulation is one of their favorite weapons. he's an addict and that how addicts are.
like the others said, you and your life can get better with or without your addict. i have stayed up and paced the floor going back and forth to the window, many nights, i've been doing this for 20yrs off and on. it does not get better until you decides that you are gonna do what you need to do for your own life to get better and leave him to his own misery. don't mean that you have to physically leave him, thats a choice that you'll have to make when you feel that its best for you. me personally, i had to do it physically, his behavior was making me crazy.
there are times though that i stayed, had to set boundaries that i could stick to if i had to, and a lot of the times i had to, but i learned to be ok with myself and my decision to seperate. i'm having to learn how not to allow those obsessive thoughts to evade my thinking. maybe its time for you to decide what you want for your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal. it can get better for you even if your addict dont get better. its takes a commitment to focus solely on you and allow your addict to take care or himself. he may have to hit rock bottom before he'll have a desire to do something to save himself and thats something that you can not do anything that will help him want to do. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are not stupid, u just want to believe. addicts do what they do, it is no changing them.i am sorry he has done this ,yet again, all we can do is keep working our prgram & keep coming back.hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
HK,
Welcome to SR. You are in the right place for you. Addicts are sick, they have a disease. They will do and say anything they think you want to hear just to be able to do what they want.
Please do not feel like you are stupid, we all have felt that way in the beginning, but we want to believe them, we want to trust them. In the end we realize that we can not do either. Only believe in yourself, take it ONE MINUTE AT A TIME TO START. Turn to your Higher Power to guide you at this time. Listen to your heart, gut, head, You Know what is True.
Please find meetings to attend, you will receive so much support from them also. They have helped me so much, go to as many as you can until you find the one that is best for you.
Good luck and keep coming back
Welcome to SR. You are in the right place for you. Addicts are sick, they have a disease. They will do and say anything they think you want to hear just to be able to do what they want.
Please do not feel like you are stupid, we all have felt that way in the beginning, but we want to believe them, we want to trust them. In the end we realize that we can not do either. Only believe in yourself, take it ONE MINUTE AT A TIME TO START. Turn to your Higher Power to guide you at this time. Listen to your heart, gut, head, You Know what is True.
Please find meetings to attend, you will receive so much support from them also. They have helped me so much, go to as many as you can until you find the one that is best for you.
Good luck and keep coming back
Heard it all before
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
Actually, some doctors do have night hours like that, mine is open late some days and I know he stays even later because so many people come to see him and he is so patient he really takes his time with you. 
That being said, if you think something is wrong, something is probably wrong. Never underestimate the power or your own gut feeling.
Another thing I heard once is that it is hard for people to see certain behavior in others if they don't have these behaviors themselves. Something like, since you wouldn't think of lying to people and being mean to them you don't automatically assume someone would do that to you. I hope I explained that right. lol
We never want to believe or expect the worst of others, but we have to look out for ourselves too.
Take care of you!
Good Luck!
That being said, if you think something is wrong, something is probably wrong. Never underestimate the power or your own gut feeling.
Another thing I heard once is that it is hard for people to see certain behavior in others if they don't have these behaviors themselves. Something like, since you wouldn't think of lying to people and being mean to them you don't automatically assume someone would do that to you. I hope I explained that right. lol
We never want to believe or expect the worst of others, but we have to look out for ourselves too.
Take care of you!
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
Posts: 2
rules
I was wondering if in anyone's experience ground rules help when they get home? I have an addict coming home this weekend and we worked together to set some ground rules. Like I get his paychecks with paystubs to take care of the bills and he can get money from me (small amounts) if he needs it. and that he has to go to church with me and attend meetings frequently. He has said that we can definitely make this work out and that the rules should help. I have told him that one slip leads him straight back to detox. Does anyone have any advice? Do these rules sound like they will work?
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi HKAngel, I'm sorry you are going through this.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and what he's doing has
nothing to do with love in my opinion. I'ts not personal.
I know that sounds stupid, because it is personal affecting
you..Trust your instincts, if he sounded drunk, he was, can't
go to rehab, because of work, bS.
This is a wonderfull site with lots of people going through what you
are, I'm glad you found it..
Take care of you angel, best wishes, hope3
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and what he's doing has
nothing to do with love in my opinion. I'ts not personal.
I know that sounds stupid, because it is personal affecting
you..Trust your instincts, if he sounded drunk, he was, can't
go to rehab, because of work, bS.
This is a wonderfull site with lots of people going through what you
are, I'm glad you found it..
Take care of you angel, best wishes, hope3
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((HKAngel)))))
Hi. Just wanted to send out a welcome to you. You've come to a great place.
My addict is my 25 yo son.
I was once married to an alcoholic, so I know alot about the slurred speech.
I'm sorry for the pain and suffering that his addiction is causing you.
I'm not sure if you've posted before, so don't know if he's your husband or a boyfriend. What I do know, is that your allowing him to create chaos and drama within you. It's hard loving someone who is addicted.
Just try to remember that it's not that he doesn't love you. His world...
is consumed with a need to feed an addiction. It's a brain disease, and it's for life. It is treatable, if the addict is ready to quit. It takes alot for that to happen, imho. There is no need to feel stupid. I love my son with all my heart, I just can't live in the same house with him. I try to control his every move. In the beginning of finding out he was addicted to heroin, I had so much guilt, thinking that it was something that I caused. Then I set myself on a mission to "help" him to stop. None of it worked. I made him leave my home. He now lives with his dad, and drinks and smokes pot. He no longer shoots heroin, because I had him arrested last year and he spent 6 months in jail. He was able to beat that addiction. Now he has moved on to "starting over" again. It's a horrific lifestyle. Allright, I've said enough, for now. lol
Bottom line....
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Start taking the focus off him, and putting it on taking care of you.
You deserve happiness.
Keep coming back for support, prayers, and advice. (but only if you ask for it.)
Your in a good place with great people.
I'm one of them. lol
Your new sr buddy,
Hi. Just wanted to send out a welcome to you. You've come to a great place.
My addict is my 25 yo son.
I was once married to an alcoholic, so I know alot about the slurred speech.
I'm sorry for the pain and suffering that his addiction is causing you.
I'm not sure if you've posted before, so don't know if he's your husband or a boyfriend. What I do know, is that your allowing him to create chaos and drama within you. It's hard loving someone who is addicted.
Just try to remember that it's not that he doesn't love you. His world...
is consumed with a need to feed an addiction. It's a brain disease, and it's for life. It is treatable, if the addict is ready to quit. It takes alot for that to happen, imho. There is no need to feel stupid. I love my son with all my heart, I just can't live in the same house with him. I try to control his every move. In the beginning of finding out he was addicted to heroin, I had so much guilt, thinking that it was something that I caused. Then I set myself on a mission to "help" him to stop. None of it worked. I made him leave my home. He now lives with his dad, and drinks and smokes pot. He no longer shoots heroin, because I had him arrested last year and he spent 6 months in jail. He was able to beat that addiction. Now he has moved on to "starting over" again. It's a horrific lifestyle. Allright, I've said enough, for now. lol
Bottom line....
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Start taking the focus off him, and putting it on taking care of you.
You deserve happiness.
Keep coming back for support, prayers, and advice. (but only if you ask for it.)
Your in a good place with great people.
I'm one of them. lol
Your new sr buddy,
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