blackbird

Todays is my ASN birthday and he is counting on me visiting him at the jail, I took this day off of work with every intention of going to see him, it;s a big deal to get in the jail and a pretty crappy experience, bad neighborhood, parking only available on the street several blocks down from the entrance, the whole demeaning "pat down" security check by the correctional officers who are so full of power to treat you badly, get to talk to him thru a dirty glass window, I hate it but I love him and want to see him today and I know he is counting on me being there, I would probably be the only one going to see him which puts me in a spot, cause I woke up today totally exhausted but can;t sleep, i have a injured husband at home, a younger child coming home from school later today, and I just don;t feel like doing the drive, there is a storm approaching, the ghetto I have to drive thru and into scares me, but I don;t want him to feel alone especially on his birthday, I just can;'t seem to get going, would any of you have a moment to tell me what you would do, would you stay home and tell him later on a call if he calls wondering where I am that I just couldn;'t do it, or would you pick youself up by your bootstraps and force youself to make the possible 3 plus hour trip??? I have about one hour to make the decision, thanks - blackbird

Lovestoomuch

I can only tell you what I would do. I usually try to do what I say I'm going to do unless an emergency comes up or something. If I said I was going to be somewhere and that person was counting on me to be there........I'd pick myself up by my bootstraps and force myself to go. Ya know.......I've had to do that to get to a meeting......I didn't feel like going......I didn't want to get dressed and drive..........but I did and it always turned out to be a positive thing. Just a thought...........

Cupicake

My question is...will you feel guilty and beat yourself up for not showing later on when you are looking back upon this moment. That's how I usually decide if I'm going to do something or not.
If you do go....please go with your HP because the picture you painted of what you have to go through to get to him doesn't look pretty.

cece1960

What would make you feel worse?
Going or not going?
One thing I've learned about me is that there have been many occassions that I grabbed those bootstraps and followed through, only to have very severe resentment later for having to do it.
I was much more angry at them, then they would have been with me for saying sorry, can't do it today.
But I also have trouble in that I'm more confortable being the one who suffers...and thats something I'm working on.
If you aren't up to it...don't go.
He'll understand if he needs to, or wants to.
His being three hours away on his birthday is not your fault.
Hope the day works out for you, whatever you choose
((((Hugs))))
Cece

blackbird

I really want to see him. thank you loves, cupi & cece for helping me, I will probably not go, I;m scared to make this trip today even though I have done it several times before and it is dangerours and that's no exageration, I will probably feel bad about it , but right now I feel like if I do go thru all the bs and get into see him, I feel like I am going to burst into tears because I can;t touch him and I want to hug him and hold him, I miss him, so this feeling makes me (normally the strong one) very vulnerable right now and suseptiable to not being aware of my surroundings like you normally have to have all your defenses up when going into that neighborhood and still are considered lucky if all goes without incident, I really like what you said Cece - he has not been around for my birthday for years, and that I understand cause I know what was going on during those years - the drug use and incarceration - but you really said alot about me - I have a real hard time being more comfortable then he is, I guess that's got alot to do with why I am feeling this way today, I am just tired, really tired and I don't want to be angry with him because today is the day he was born with his whole life in front of him, ok now I am actually balling my eyes out - I just can;t go, thanks so much everyone. peace- blackbird

teke

sorry that you even have to go there blackbird,

i agree with you on this one, if you don't feel up to it, then don't. you've probably spent enough time already trying to be all things to all people, i say be true to yourself today. i know that you love him and miss him, but like someone said, its not your fault that he's 3hrs away on his birthday. why not send him a belated birthday card letting him know too that you'll be there to visit as soon as you feel up to it. maybe you could send his the gas money that you would have spent going there. keeping you in my prayers, your son too.

blackbird

thank you teke, I will be true to me today, I did send him a birthday package to the jail and some cash for commissary, so he kinda got his birthday present that way and last time I spoke to him a couple of days ago, he thanked me for it, he liked the photos and song lyrics and birthday cards and the long letter I wrote to him. thank you for your prayers for us, that;s a good feeling to know someone cares enough to say a prayer, I am a big believer in the power of prayer. peace-blackbird

dollydo

I agree with Teke, if you are not up to it, don't go...you sent a card, he knows you are thinking about him.

Sometimes we are so riddled with guilt we forget about us, and, to me that is a bad thing.

Hugs,
Dolly

hope213

i am late on this, but i hope you did not go. i have learned not to do ANYTHING while he is locked up i really do not want to or feel like doing..hugs,

blackbird

Thanks Dolly and Hope, I did not go, I just could not - which is not like me to bail out unless I have a pretty strong feeling about changing my mind, but like I said I woke up tired. Now he just called about 10 minutes ago and he did not take it well, he sounded really hurt and disappointed, he said he has been looking forward to seeing me all week and how could I not take the time to come and see him on his birthday? I told him I am exhausted and asked him to try and understand how much I have on my plate right now (like forever) and he said he wanted me to understand what he is going thru and where is at, it;s not easy, I told him I understand as much as I can since Ive never been in jail and that I am supporting him everyway I know how to while still taking care of all of my own problems by myself and he said he felt I was putting him on the backburner of life as he put it and then said he had to go, I said happy birthday and I love you and he hung up. great - he sure knows how to leave me feeling bad, I could tell he was hurt. I feel bad but it doesn;t change how I really feel - tired, tired and then more tired. Thanks everyone, have a good nite. peace - blackbird

teke

try not to feel too bad, blackbird

sometimes addicts think thats its all about them. kids too.

i use to tell my rah when he started talking about how bad things were in jail, i would explain to him that jail was not suppose to be fun. that it was designed to make people not want to come back. its suppose to be some form of punishment.

remember how hurt and disappointed you were waiting to see him for days at a time, and remember how you felt, when it seemed like he had put you and your feeling on the back burner of his life. maybe he don't understand why you don't understand about jail, never mind the fact that you apparently have done all you know how to do to stay out of that place.

i don't think that you have nothing to feel guilty about, so don't allow yourself to go for the quacking. you are a very good mom and he knows it too, take care of you, you are important and have feelings too. still praying for ya

frankie_b

((( blackbird ))) Perhaps you can visit another time when you feel stronger
and not worn out with tiredness.
For now, I hope you get some rest and some time just for you to relax.
He manipulated you instead of being understanding about your
needs. That's what addicts do. He'll be okay. Now, forget his quacking and take care of you.
Hugs

Ann

Blackbird, sorry I am late coming in on this but I have to tell you that I visited my son once in jail and I will never do it again.

Like you, I love my son. BUT...I will not put myself in a position of doing something that makes me sick, scared, and sad. I never in my life had such a feeling as I had when I visited my son in jail. I shook for an hour when I left.

Recovery has taught me that I don't have to share his consequences. I don't have to try and make his consequences more pleasant, easier to tolerate or more comfortable. He owns what he did and he owns the consequences.

I told my son that he could call me once a week or write me as often as he wanted. I was there for him, but not "there" for him.

I know the pain in your heart, but please put down the guilt stick and know that it is perfectly okay for you to not go, today or ever.

It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself and that's a great start. Your own health will suffer if you ignore it to tend to his requests (notice I didn't say needs because need has nothing to do with this). Take it from a mom who allowed herself to get very sick before finally learning to take care of herself, he'll survive. And hopefully he will learn from this and grow. Whether he does or not will not depend on your visits.

My heart to yours, Hugs

frankie_b

I do not visit jails or prisons when AS is incarcerated. I cannot afford to go where I too feel scared, dehumanized, sad and sick.
I agree with Ann, it's perfectly okay for you not to go.
AS has survived many years of lockup. He knows I'm here for him. I feel very comfortable with staying away from those awful places. I did not raise a son
to go visit him in jail. His consequences are his alone and I have no responsibility or guilt whatsoever for how he lives his life.
Keep taking care of you.

blackbird

Ann, Teke & Frankie,Cece, Dolly, Loves, Cupi and Hope, I felt weak but I felt strong today with how I made this decision to not go and see him at that horrible place, and when I was feeling weak I came here to my SR family and you all reached out and helped me which left me strong. Ann, I put that darn guilt stick down and I don't want to pick it up anytime soon, so I am working on me and I;m gonna start by getting some rest tonite and I have lit my candle and am getting ready to say my prayers and all of you will be in them. I am really fond of the Footprints saying, that when there were only one set of footprints that is when I carried you, well I felt carried today by all of you. Thank you all! peace-blackbird