step one for me

Old 03-06-2011, 06:31 AM
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step one for me

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I know that he is but mostly I see him as an *sshole.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I struggle with this. I think he makes a conscious choice to pick up that bottle and put it to his lips. I don't feel like the bottle just grew in his hand and forced its way up there. I guess the only change for me has been starting to call him out on his behavior as opposed to curling up and dying everytime he does something mean/embarrassing. And leaving. I have moved out, but been unable to maintain nc. currently there 4 days worth.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Tried to help him see his behavior by mirroring some of it (doing back to him what he has done to me). Have tried exposing him to the world. Consequences? No change really. a failed attempt at sobriety; a fake finding of the church life; alot of anger.

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
trying to wake him up; finding a non-alcoholic; non-abusive husband;

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Used to be lecture; anger;badger; Now: simply shutting up or leaving; Respond? leave for the most part; occasionally call him out still;

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be left to change only myself!!scary.

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Walk away. Talk to myself. Let it go Let it happen.

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Yea I would love one. There is no one.

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In my marriage: especially in public/drunk. argggggggg
with my daughter: her future decisions; her money;.....

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
Husband drunk in public.......hitting on/flirting with women: This one gets me every time

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
People from SR suggested it. I came because I thought I was crazy. I hoped to get my sanity back. They have increased. Now I hope to behave normal or close to it at some point. have much less anger.

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My sister says I have changed since marrying the AH.
I am concerned about my health.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I was isolated; spoke to my f&f only 4-5 times in 2 years. My family was not allowed to come over; My friends weren't allowed to come over. Noone was allowed in our home. I was sleeping in front of my daughters door to keep AH away. AH was changing schedule to spend time with daughter. I was not sleeping. I was not working but was so worn down I could not get out of bed unless I knew he was on his way home.

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Talking to people in general I guess.

Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Even after I left I was wondering why was I here? Why am I going to church with this man when I dont want to?
My life is no longer my own when I say yes and dont want to.

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Always. Did not realize I needed to be cared for!~

How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes I walk around in fear constantly, underlying anxiety inevery thing I do. I used to tell myself at work: I am at my best in crisis mode!!

How well do I take care of myself? Not well enough obviously.

How do I feel when I am alone? AFRAID all the time; fearful

What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is feeling sorry for someone. comes from one side only--mine to they. Love is equal and reciprocated. Love is a desire to spend time with another because you like them.
I am struggling with this answer.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes. I see sadness in them and think I can make them happy.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No. Sometimes I will go right opposite my gut feeling thinking it takes guts to do that. I guess I ignore them frequently.
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:57 AM
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"I struggle with this. I think he makes a conscious choice to pick up that bottle and put it to his lips. I don't feel like the bottle just grew in his hand and forced its way up there"
Thats exactly how I feel.I cannot,cannot get it through my head what he is thinking on "the way to the 6 pack joint" I feel he makes a consious decision to drink when he knows the outcome.
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:46 AM
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!!I know!!
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:47 AM
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Old 03-08-2011, 07:13 PM
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alcoholism as a disease.......

If I never acknowledge this, will it halt my progression?

i think probably so. My AH has been drinking heavily for 20 years. 3 cases a week to my knowledge at last count. 15/16 beers on saturdays/sundays easily. Drink until he passes out. Drink until he is literally out of his mind. Wake up at 6am drinking. go to bed at 3 am drinking.

Why would anyone choose this? Rationally, I would think one would not. So much alcohol the brain is not the same as it was before he drank. The brain has changed somehow.

Maybe the disease comes in the form of changed thoughts due to changed brain matter or function.

Maybe in his thoughts, he wakes up and goes to sleep longing for the drink because it keeps him from actually thinking things, he does not want to think or feeling things he does not want to feel.

maybe the thoughts when he opens his eyes are I need a drink. nothing more. maybe he simply has lost his will power at this point.

He does not choose to be a drunk. He does not choose to be miserable.

Then how can he choose to want to get better?
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