ASpouse

These instances are few and far between and your friend is lucky it worked for her.

denny57

Nesh, before I started going to Al-anon I was sitting on a park bench with a friend (a RA) who for the past year had been gently suggesting meetings to me. I was in tears over my life with my AH. I remember sobbing, and I mean sobbbbbbbing to her: "Why do I have to get help, he's the one with the problem!"

About a month later I went to my first meeting and now a little over a year later I understand why I needed it.

Just wanted to share that I understand what you're thinking.


((()))

atalose

I think the innocent people sharing the road with him while he drove
drunk are the lucky ones.
Meetings and therapy are what is helping them now. And as we
all know tomorrow could be a whole different ballgame.

MsPINKAcres

Originally Posted by nesh
Forgive my ignorance here... but what exactly do I need to work on? The issue is his addiction is it not?

My AH was over six months sober, out of my house, and we had very limited contact with each other and guess what - I was still miserable!! I was angry at the world and hated everyone and everything. You would have never heard a nice word come out of my mouth. I had a horrible outlook on life and I wanted to die everyday.
That is when I decided maybe I needed some help. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting and started recovery for me. It's been almost 3 yrs and I am a totally different person. No matter what happens between you and your boyfriend - please consider the recovery options for you.

Keep coming back - Don't stop before the miracle happens in You - You Deserve it,
Rita

ASpouse

The point I was so clumsily trying to make was that your friend had to set him up to get him to face his addiction. This takes a lot of time puts her entire focus on him. She is lucky it worked for her, or she would still be doing it. This is considered enabling and controlling and anyone who lives with an alcoholic should step aside and take care of themselves and not be concerned with what the A's in their lives are doing.

Yes, we "explain it away" by saying we did what we had to do to protect innocents, but in reality, at the core of it, she wasn't. Again, she was lucky .... most people aren't that lucky.

Sorry to take this OT and derail from nesh' original post.

equus

Some people feel this way but not everyone does. When you say 'this is considered...' it sounds global but it isn't global, there's other information out there and it comes down to choice.

I'm pro someone having the information to help an addicted loved one, I'm pro someone having the support to leave an addicted loved one and I'm pro someone choosing to continue there life 'despite' the addiction of a loved one.

Whatever is chosen self care matters, so does being able to seek information and support. The most important thing is to individually make the right decision, I wouldn't stay with any other person while addicted to alcohol other than D - but then I wouldn't stay with any other person other than D.

We had the chance to work together and it meant the world to us. Before D began looking for me his Grandfather had set a ball in motion, he had certainly turned D's thinking around to want life - another loved one, just not me.

I made both decisions with the same person and regret neither because they were right for me at the time.

ASpouse

My bad! I consider it enabling and controlling behavior as I've learned it. I'm not saying she shouldn't have done it, I'm just saying she was lucky it worked. It usually doesn't.

I've known many alcoholics that have been arrested 5, 6, 7 or more times, in jail, loss of license, community service etc, but the power of the alcohol was still most important. Heck I even know a guy who drove into a duck pond, had to get rescued by the fire department, totalled his car, went to the emergency room, put in a psych ward for 5 days and still came out and did it all again.

So as I said, she was lucky her husband grabbed his chance, it doesn't happen often that I've heard of.

equus

I think that's why I'm so pro choice. I lived through making the choice to let go and don't regret it, I lived through the choice to be of help and don't regret it but having the latter choice respected was difficult, having the information NEEDED to make it effective was both hard and lucky.

I suppose till that info is more widely known we won't know what the outcomes will be. BUT it should ALWAYS be about choice and not you 'should'....

I also think (just opinion) that either choice needs to be informed as best it can be. Whatever course of action is picked it helps to be aware how much any of us NEED to learn.

ASpouse

Agreed!