Help with my girlfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15
Help with my girlfriend
Hello Sober Community,
I posted this on another part of this site, but I'm looking for as much feedback as possible. Hopefully someone on this board can help me.
My girlfriend (or I guess my ex) has been smoking pot everyday for the last 10 years plus (roughly). We had some problems in our relationship that she essentially placed entirely on my shoulders. She was constantly telling me that I needed 'help,' and 'therapy,' because I would do things like walk too far in front of her with a cooler, or tell her I was walking in my neighborhood with a weighted backpack. The other night she got angry because I told her she should wash her window with wiper fluid. When she did, because of grease from the road, the windshield became dirtier than before. She became furious with me. I offered to clean her windshield. She refused to stop and let me clean it.
My father lost his leg in a motorcycle wreck about a month and a half ago. Two of his friends were killed in the same wreck. The lady driving the car that hit my father was high at the time. I spent a week with him after the wreck. When I got back, I really felt like my girlfriend and I should stop driving while we were 'on' anything and we should use cabs and that sort of thing. She became furious and said, "I knew you would use this to start this ********." I was pretty heartbroken by that because I was in love with her and didn't want to lose her, but I felt like I was betraying my father when we would continue to drive around high (with her driving...I won't drive high anymore). She continues to drive with a buzz all the time.
My girlfriend became furious with me the other night after I had begun the process of cleaning the blinds in her room. I had to rotate the blinds 180 degrees so that they could be properly cleaned. She called me the next night in a rage because evidently it was easier to see in her room (by neighbors outside) than when the blinds were rotated the other way.
My girlfriend is constantly bitching at me when I drive. Speed up! Slow down! If I left her apartment without locking the door, which I did a couple of times, she would be angry about it months later.
I have noticed that there is a discernible difference in her behavior when she is not on pot. She is much sweeter and kinder. She has more patience with all people.
I feel like she blamed all of our problems (our problems being nothing more than her getting pissed off all the time because I was doing things like turning the blinds over) on me. But, I'm pretty sure that her pot-use had a great deal to do with her inability to deal with certain situations.
She has been constantly telling me I need to be in therapy. According to her, I have social anxiety and am ADD. Well, I looked up both and it's pretty much impossible for me to be either one. I have lots of friends and go out all the time. As for the ADD, well that's one pretty much silly. I'm forgetful sometimes, but that's about it. In regards to my mental health state, I'm actually a very happy person. I went through a period of depression after having some stomach surgery, but it went away after I started feeling better.
I feel like I've been living with a person who doesn't really want to deal with herself and so she puts everything on me. I have a feeling her behavior has a great deal to her pot use. I feel like she uses pot so she doesn't have to deal with her emotions.
The thing is, I still love her, but I realize I should probably move on. She has shot me a thousand mean glances and said a great many mean things.
I'll never forget the day that something really stressful happened for her and she started smoking a joint like it was an asthma inhaler.
A great many of her friends are current or recovered drug users/abusers. Some of the others have other addictions and problems.
Her father passed when she was 17 and I feel like she's been on the run from her emotions ever since, but that is conjecture.
The scenarios described above in the first paragraph or two are just typical of how she reacts to me. I could list more, but I don't feel like typing that much.
I feel like if she got sober we'd have a chance, but she is completely unwilling to try. I love many, many things about her. But again, she's Jekyll and Hyde with me and others sober vs. high.
I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.
I posted this on another part of this site, but I'm looking for as much feedback as possible. Hopefully someone on this board can help me.
My girlfriend (or I guess my ex) has been smoking pot everyday for the last 10 years plus (roughly). We had some problems in our relationship that she essentially placed entirely on my shoulders. She was constantly telling me that I needed 'help,' and 'therapy,' because I would do things like walk too far in front of her with a cooler, or tell her I was walking in my neighborhood with a weighted backpack. The other night she got angry because I told her she should wash her window with wiper fluid. When she did, because of grease from the road, the windshield became dirtier than before. She became furious with me. I offered to clean her windshield. She refused to stop and let me clean it.
My father lost his leg in a motorcycle wreck about a month and a half ago. Two of his friends were killed in the same wreck. The lady driving the car that hit my father was high at the time. I spent a week with him after the wreck. When I got back, I really felt like my girlfriend and I should stop driving while we were 'on' anything and we should use cabs and that sort of thing. She became furious and said, "I knew you would use this to start this ********." I was pretty heartbroken by that because I was in love with her and didn't want to lose her, but I felt like I was betraying my father when we would continue to drive around high (with her driving...I won't drive high anymore). She continues to drive with a buzz all the time.
My girlfriend became furious with me the other night after I had begun the process of cleaning the blinds in her room. I had to rotate the blinds 180 degrees so that they could be properly cleaned. She called me the next night in a rage because evidently it was easier to see in her room (by neighbors outside) than when the blinds were rotated the other way.
My girlfriend is constantly bitching at me when I drive. Speed up! Slow down! If I left her apartment without locking the door, which I did a couple of times, she would be angry about it months later.
I have noticed that there is a discernible difference in her behavior when she is not on pot. She is much sweeter and kinder. She has more patience with all people.
I feel like she blamed all of our problems (our problems being nothing more than her getting pissed off all the time because I was doing things like turning the blinds over) on me. But, I'm pretty sure that her pot-use had a great deal to do with her inability to deal with certain situations.
She has been constantly telling me I need to be in therapy. According to her, I have social anxiety and am ADD. Well, I looked up both and it's pretty much impossible for me to be either one. I have lots of friends and go out all the time. As for the ADD, well that's one pretty much silly. I'm forgetful sometimes, but that's about it. In regards to my mental health state, I'm actually a very happy person. I went through a period of depression after having some stomach surgery, but it went away after I started feeling better.
I feel like I've been living with a person who doesn't really want to deal with herself and so she puts everything on me. I have a feeling her behavior has a great deal to her pot use. I feel like she uses pot so she doesn't have to deal with her emotions.
The thing is, I still love her, but I realize I should probably move on. She has shot me a thousand mean glances and said a great many mean things.
I'll never forget the day that something really stressful happened for her and she started smoking a joint like it was an asthma inhaler.
A great many of her friends are current or recovered drug users/abusers. Some of the others have other addictions and problems.
Her father passed when she was 17 and I feel like she's been on the run from her emotions ever since, but that is conjecture.
The scenarios described above in the first paragraph or two are just typical of how she reacts to me. I could list more, but I don't feel like typing that much.
I feel like if she got sober we'd have a chance, but she is completely unwilling to try. I love many, many things about her. But again, she's Jekyll and Hyde with me and others sober vs. high.
I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, J.
Wow, she sounds like hard work. Why do you put up with it?
Interesting reaction she has to pot if she is being more agressive when she's on it. I don't think I've ever met anyone who reacted like that. Any chance she could be taking something else?
Wow, she sounds like hard work. Why do you put up with it?
Interesting reaction she has to pot if she is being more agressive when she's on it. I don't think I've ever met anyone who reacted like that. Any chance she could be taking something else?
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
I wondered about that too...My brother is a Pot smoker and when he lived with me I could always tell when he was out of pot..or needed to smoke..He turned into an absolute @$$hole..We were pretty much best friends (except I disapproved of the pot) and it was like Jekle & Hyde !!!!
So I would wonder too...Calm & friendly when he smoked
So I would wonder too...Calm & friendly when he smoked
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Regardless of whether she's using pot or not she's being abusive and a bully. If I where you I'd stop doing any nice things for her as she obviously doesn't appreciate it and just let her get on with her rages and totally ignore them. Let her argue with herself and take yourself out of the picture when she flares up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi J - Welcome
Instead of reading up on social anxiety and ADD, I'd suggest a little reading on projection. That might help you understand what she is doing.
It does sound like a lot of hard work to be in your relationship with her. What are you getting out of it?
When I still lived with my AH, my driving was also constantly criticized. I have no idea why that is - but it seems to be a common thing with addicts and their SO's. Little things that should have been small annoyances became huge, drawn out resentments. It was just an unhealthy dynamic.
Please keep posting - look forward to having you here.
Instead of reading up on social anxiety and ADD, I'd suggest a little reading on projection. That might help you understand what she is doing.
It does sound like a lot of hard work to be in your relationship with her. What are you getting out of it?
When I still lived with my AH, my driving was also constantly criticized. I have no idea why that is - but it seems to be a common thing with addicts and their SO's. Little things that should have been small annoyances became huge, drawn out resentments. It was just an unhealthy dynamic.
Please keep posting - look forward to having you here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Hey Jpowel and welcome..
I have a question for you...I noticed that you say that you smoke pot as well...
Do you think you have a problem as well?
I know that I drank alot when I was with my exabf..now I hardly drink at all...
I have a question for you...I noticed that you say that you smoke pot as well...
Do you think you have a problem as well?
I know that I drank alot when I was with my exabf..now I hardly drink at all...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
not that you're a doctor and you shouldn't play one, I am not one either but I had a friend once, long ago who suffered from boderline personality disorder. a lot of what you describe reminds me of her. look it up and see if you identify. There is lots of good information on how to respond to the behavior. bpdcentral.com has a message board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15
Just went the BDP central website and she does have some of the hero / villain stuff going on. Some of the people she was close to she has cast off out of her life and then villainized them. I don't think she is BDP however. I think her pot-use brings out some BDP qualities that she has.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
Sounds like she's out of control in her own mind, therefore, she attempts to control you and everything around her to gain some sense of that control she's missing in herself. Also sounds like she has anger-management issues.
My only advice to you is to practice what you preach. YOU should stop getting high, if you expect to be a good role model to her and preach to her about her stopping getting high. And see if she'd been willing to go to couples couseling (though it seems she would also benefit from individual couseling).
If she is not willing to work on things, despite how much you love her, you will continue on and on and on and on this way till one of you has had enough and finally ends the relationship.
Take care of yourself in the process - realize your boundaries - and know that you have a RIGHT to peace and happiness in life.
*hugs*
My only advice to you is to practice what you preach. YOU should stop getting high, if you expect to be a good role model to her and preach to her about her stopping getting high. And see if she'd been willing to go to couples couseling (though it seems she would also benefit from individual couseling).
If she is not willing to work on things, despite how much you love her, you will continue on and on and on and on this way till one of you has had enough and finally ends the relationship.
Take care of yourself in the process - realize your boundaries - and know that you have a RIGHT to peace and happiness in life.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I'm not sure how much couples counselling helps if she is deep in her addiction..
tried that with a couple of my exs..guess that's why they are my exs..
Remember there are 3 c's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it..
No one has suggested Alanon yet..or Nar Anon..
either is a support group that will help you get your head where it needs to be..focused on you!!
You will learn healthy behaviors on how to take care of yourself..
tried that with a couple of my exs..guess that's why they are my exs..
Remember there are 3 c's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it..
No one has suggested Alanon yet..or Nar Anon..
either is a support group that will help you get your head where it needs to be..focused on you!!
You will learn healthy behaviors on how to take care of yourself..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15
She has refused couples counselling. I think we're pretty much over. It just sucks because I love so many things about her. I think she avoids couples counselling because she knows she'll have to deal with herself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by jpowel21
She has refused couples counselling. I think we're pretty much over. It just sucks because I love so many things about her. I think she avoids couples counselling because she knows she'll have to deal with herself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15
We have a great time together when we're out doing stuff together. She loves to go to concerts, out to eat, cultural events, hiking, walking, stuff like that. Our intimate life is unbelievable. We do so much together, it's almost as if we never slow down.
Honestly though, we don't have a lot of emotional interchange. I think she remains buried somewhere deep within herself. My family has remarked on several occasions that they have no idea who she really is because everything remains on the surface.
Honestly though, we don't have a lot of emotional interchange. I think she remains buried somewhere deep within herself. My family has remarked on several occasions that they have no idea who she really is because everything remains on the surface.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Wow..no emotional interchange! that's a huge red flag..
if you want an activity partner - there are plenty of men and women out there that could accompany you to those events...
And sorry good sex is not enough reason to stay..
with the right person, you can have good sex again..sometimes emotional intimacy can lead to great sex in a relationship
if you want an activity partner - there are plenty of men and women out there that could accompany you to those events...
And sorry good sex is not enough reason to stay..
with the right person, you can have good sex again..sometimes emotional intimacy can lead to great sex in a relationship
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
J, I had to look very hard at myself to see why I was with an emotionally unavailable partner. I was scared about forming real connections with anyone in my life, whether friends or partners. See, I was just as unavailable as my ex was, just in a different way.,
Minx is right - red flags galore.
Minx is right - red flags galore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15
Minnie,
Fortunately, I'm not afraid of emotional interchange. I just wanted it with her. I think I tried really hard to get her to deal with things on an emotional level and she just flat out refused. Again, when she's stressed or may face pain, she tokes up.
Minx you are right in all that you say. I know these things.
Fortunately, I'm not afraid of emotional interchange. I just wanted it with her. I think I tried really hard to get her to deal with things on an emotional level and she just flat out refused. Again, when she's stressed or may face pain, she tokes up.
Minx you are right in all that you say. I know these things.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You wouldn't, by chance, be an adult child of alcoholics or of a dysfunctional family would you? If so, I recommend you read the stickies on the ACoA forum as well as the stickies here.
I only have one question for you: how much of your life do you want to throw away attempting to 'save' someone, when they show no desire to be saved?
There is no shame in walking away from a no-win situation.
I only have one question for you: how much of your life do you want to throw away attempting to 'save' someone, when they show no desire to be saved?
There is no shame in walking away from a no-win situation.
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