sunshine003

Speak of the devil. All this talk about the book, "Under the Influence" has made it rounds today. I need some help to something. Ah told me in an e mail a few days ago that he was reading the book. I didn't respond. I told him we could communicate through e mail in regards to his visiting with our daughter only and I have stuck to that. So, I do not acknowledge anything else he may have to say. Today I get this e mail from him (I c&ped in below). Now, I am NOT going to respond to him but I could use some help in how to respond to it in my own mind.


His e mail:

I have completed the book. A part that sticks out in my mind is as follows, "The alcoholic must also understand that he is not responsible for the things he said or did when he was drinking. The physical addiction controlled his behavior, and because he is powerless over his addiction, he cannot be held responsible for it. When the alcoholic looks back at his life as a drinking alcoholic, he should learn to say, "That's what alcohol did to me," not "That's what I did." Saying the words, "I am an alcoholic" should convey the same moral overtones as the words, "I am allergic to pollen."

If you have read the book, I do not understand how it is that you do not have a clear understanding that I am not the same person drinking as I am sober. I cannot control myself when I'm drinking and I cannot even remember most of what I do when I am drinking. The things you describe me doing don't even make sense to me. When I am sober, I cannot imagine doing those things, they don't even sound like something I'd do. If you truly believe I am an alcoholic, as I do, then why am I so horrible in your eyes? If you had a disease, I wouldn't walk away from you. I could use some support and some compassion. Just something to think about.

denny57

sunshine - what were your first thoughts?

elizabeth1979

well sunshine, hes quacking and trying to msnipulate him you into feeling bad for him, IMO.

I would process it in my mind as, not my issue, not my issue, not my issue. His drinking is affecting me negativly, so I choose to not be around him and pursue this marriage. Period.

They are slippery ones arent they?

Minx1969

Totally agree with you there Sarah..

ASpouse

Oh my word sunshine ....... I can see your dilemma ...... I'm sure that book has so much more to offer than just this paragraph. If he read the entire book and he is zeroing in on this one paragraph .... my advice to you is Stay the Course girlfriend ..... he doesn't get it and he is still trying to manipulate, cajole and interpret the book so it fits him ......

I'm laughing so hard at him ..... he is pitiful and I should feel sorry for him but I don't. He still is taking no responsbility for his actions, he is taking no responsibility for his drinking and he certainly is taking no responsibility for his behavior.

Stay the course and delete this email. My hope is that he doesn't use this in court against you.

minnie

Pffft.

Always justifications.

And that is one reason why I don't see that book as the definitive explanation, as others might do, as it disputes any non-physiological causes if addiction.

If I were to respond, which I wouldn't, it would be along the lines of "So, what are you doing about it?"

Stay strong, sweetie.

ICU

Until I get a copy of this book, would someone confirm that this is what the book really says? Was it taken out of context??????

ASpouse

HE IS SMARMY, SMARMY, SMARMY, SMARMY! Good God I never thought I'd ever know a person this word fits so well!

Jazzman

IMO this type of stuff is what fuels the disease debate. When bits of information are used supporting an ulterior motive, it does a great injustice to the people that don't use the disease excuse as a shield to absolve then of responsibility.

I still hold true that I am accountable for my actions, in any case, in any event.

I'll bet that quote was taken out of context or inaccurate in some way.

minnie

Oh, and I have had similar emails from R in the past. At first, I felt guilty. After a while, I just deleted them when I saw they weren't business related.

elizabeth1979

I dont have the book with me at the mo.
This is what happens when things are taken out of context in any subject manner, or read in parts. Hard to put into context when you are only seeing part of the picture.

Either way, its a con. Emotional manipulation to get his way while you think its YOUR way.

Jazzman

Or save the emails if you're in litigation...

minnie

Good point, Jazz.

denny57

ok, i do have the book right here with all my highlights and stickies

it is taken out of context

the book does not refute non-physiological causes but that particular statement is about not living in shame

sunshine, IMHO your husband is never sober if he is still drinking. i think that is where he is confused. sobriety means (in theory) NEVER drinking again

sunshine003

It really does say that, word for word on pg 151. I looked it up immediatley and I remember getting a squirmy feeling when I read it. I still liked the book though....at least the first several chapters.

In any event, I was never going to respond. But the first thing I thought was, "Fasciniting!" As jazz said in another post. But then, I allowed myself to get a bit confused while knowing I wouldn't respond, I wanted to work it out in my mind.

You guy's are right. Especially Judy to say in the entire book, he zeros in on one paragraph. Not only that, he e mailed me with it.

What I got out of the part that has that paragraph is the alcoholic shouldn't sit around and discuss all his icky behavior RIGHT AWAY as it would cause them to feel too much shame too fast and it would be too much. I'm not sure it meant to never be held responsible for your behavior. Afterall, it discusses in other chapeters how many alcoholics lose their families.

lostnotfound

It sounds exactly like he zoomed in on the one paragraph in the entire book that supported his position against you, and ignored the rest. It sounds just like any argument I've ever had with AH. He can twist anything around so that it suits him.

sunshine003

This is so true, especially given the way things are going right now in time. I have stuck to all I've said to him and have not strayed. My actions show a new confidence and he is just trying to con me.

Zoey

If he didn't say he was going to go to treatment or 90 in 90 or something to fix himself, then I would agree with all of the above replys.

Had I read that, and it rang bells I think I would want to do everything to fix myself quick. However with a constant level of alcohol that is not how we think. I so hope you stay strong and not answer, he will try harder now would be my guess.

megamysterioso

Sounds like a bunch of BS to me Sunshine. He wasn't "under the influence" while he was typing those emails to the girl that works with him now was he? Forgive me if I missed some sort of update on that as I was away for a while.

sunshine003

there was no update mega.....I've never mentioned those to him. Of course you're right and he's just a BS er. I was miffed when I got that and was hell bent on not responding. After a few hours, I am just kinda realizing that just as I've been seeing for a long time, he's so sick he'll look for any way around responsibility.

I'm now disgusted by his e mail and if I had an ounce of respect for him, I'd have lost it.....but I don't even have that much, LOL.