GettingFree

Wow...you've been put in a really tought spot. It's one thing to remove things from a person who is in danger of taking their life. That is a critical situation. It's another to be the overseeer to someone managing their life. It almost sounds like you're trying to be the inhouse rehab facility -- and that puts an awful amount of responsibility on you. If the professionals believe she really needs to be in a situation where all substances are removed, has inpatient rehab been discussed?

Also, does the social worker have an addiction background? I'd want to ensure I was getting advice from someone who was familiar with those issues in addition to the mental health ones.

In the meantime -- what about you and what you want? Those are the hard questions.

ASpouse

An Alcoholic is an alcoholic .... I think you have a perverted view of what it is. Someone with alcohol dependency does not have to drink "all that much" to be alcoholic.

A person can drink 1 drink a day and if they have a "need or dependency" to have that "1 drink" they can be an should be considered alcohol dependent.

es808

First of all I am aware that an alcoholic is an alcoholic. It's just the fact that they don't drink that much makes it easier for them to deny and avoid. Her stepmother has 2 or 3 beers a day, every day. She started drinking at 10 in the morning at our place, when she's home she starts first thing when she gets home. Obviously she is an alcoholic... To everyone else she just has a few drinks after work to unwind or something. It just makes it easy to continue to deny - especially in that family.

As to the inpatient situation they did put her into a 21 day inpatient detox/rehab program. She checked herself out after 6 days. Due to this she is having great difficulties getting anyone to accept her anywhere because she has a history of being "incompliant" and doing things against medical advice.

The program she was in was primarily for mental issues but just about everyone there had substance abuse issues as well so I'm hoping that the social workers had experience with substance abuse. I know that hers did. She said she had rarely met anyone is as great denail as my gf. She has been in many places - some for mental issues, some for substance abuse, and some for both - and everyone says the exact same thing so I'm assuming that what they are saying is the advice I would get from pretty much anyone.

As for me... That's a hard question. I'm very happy with her. She has been doing extremely well with the mental issues for the past couple of months and has cut back her drinking to only when we go out and cut back the pot to only on the weekends. Of course I know she is doing this for me, not for herself.

I feel I should cut her some slack since she has come a long way in a short time but the complete denial has me thrown for a loop. She isn't saying that she has a problem but isn't ready to quit yet, she is saying that she has no problem at all, she does it because "she likes being high" and she refuses to even go a week without because "she doesn't want to."

I could probably deal with the pot as long as the alcohol is under control but I know things aren't that simple and that you can't separate the two from her addiction.

That's not really talking about me though...

ASpouse

In your opinion why is it obvious? Who are you to make that judgment?

You can toss the booze out, but she'll just go out and buy more, so what's the point unless of course it makes you feel better that you are "helping" her.

GettingFree

Well, if that's the case, there's no problem, right?

If you're happy with her, why does she need to change and do anything to please you?

Do you have a problem with her being high? How does her behavior when she's high or inebriated affect you? Are you happy with her then?

I'm confused, becuase I'm not sure I understand what you don't like aside from the fact that you're concerned for her overall health.

Yup, you're right. So what if you were to talk about you. What do you want from a partner. What would life look like if you were to imagine the life you want in relationship with someone else?

es808

No, I don't like being around her when she is high. It is actually extremely annoying and unpleasant. I like being around her when she is sober, but not when she is high.

What I don't like is trying to deal with her when she is high, the fact that she has no short term memory, the fact that she is trying to raise a son while high. The son is already pretty messed up and I think her being high or drunk all the time is setting a very bad example and going to probably teach him to be like she is.

I said I can handle the pot use... Not that I like it but it would be a tolerable trade-off. However her mental issues kind of throw a monkey wrench in that. If she tries another suicide attempt or even just another OD to go to sleep she might die, everyone is telling us that the drugs will greatly exacerbate her mental issues. Right now she is fairly stable but for the past 6 months she was not. The 12 months before that she was pretty good.

Things are OK now but now is not forever and with her multiple diagnoses of psychiatric and psychological issues and her polydrug addiction I am assuming that this will not last. It has never lasted before and nothing has really changed other than that she went to a program for 25 days and is now in once a week therapy.

Well that is a difficult question... What would I want from an ideal partner or what would I want realistically? I'm not even going to get into the ideal partner because that is a complete fantasy...

What I want is a partner who will contribute - either in the home or out of the home. What I have now is pretty close to what I want with the addition of the polydrug abuse and the constant anxiety on my part about leaving her alone, potential suicide attempts, worrying if she is able to take care of her son on her own, lack of trust, etc.

I was writing about what I want and I realized that what I have is pretty close to what I want with these major exceptions. That's why this is so hard... I would actually be happy if I could just trust her. But the sneaking and the lying about the drugs makes that impossible.

pmaslan

and that is it in a nutshell.....it goes with the territory...

ASpouse

es808 .... from what I take away from your posts is you are trying to have it both way .... it's OK sometimes and it's not OK at other times.

Decide how you want it and that's it. You are confusing me and I am not an alcoholic or an addict, so I can only imagine how confusing you are to her.

You think her son will be messed up because of what he's grown up with? Dear, I can almost guarantee it with no thinking involved.

Jazzman

Tough one fur sure. It only erodes away the trust more and more until you eventually loose all respect for her as a person.

es808

He's already messed up so that's pretty obvious already.

I'm a little confused by your statement... I want what both ways? Decide how I want what? This may be an obvious or stupid question but if you could clarify exactly what you mean it would be very helpful to me.

Thanks.

ASpouse

It seems to me that you don't like the pot, but you can live with it, sometimes unless of course she is drinking then it's a problem. You'd rather deal with her sober than high ..... so therefore you really can't live with it can you? You cannot tell her what to do, when to do it and where to do it. You are not the powerful over her I hate to tell you.

You don't seem to mind if she drank a little, but when she starts drinking too much is affects her mental instability even more than it is without the booze.

Tell her how you want the relationship to be. Either you want it drug and booze free or not at all. How can you tell someone that "sometimes it's OK as long as you ........ (whatever) and then change the rules of the game to "your mental instability is really affected, you need to stop now". ES808, you are not in control of her .... why are you trying to control a situation that belongs solely to her.

If it is making your life unhappy, then you have some decisions to make about you and your happiness. She is not the source of your happiness and well-being....... you are!

You cannot set up "guidelines" for her as to when she can drink and smoke pot. That is controlling/manipulating behavior and it will only hurt you and **** her off.

denny57

If they were minor exceptions, I'd think you'd have a point. Major?

Sometimes I sound like a broken record: this is who she is right now. Can you accept that?

Cynay

Welcome to SR, sorry Im late in the welcome.... we are glad you found us.

I have some questions if you dont mind..

Are the two of you living together? If not does she have her own place?

How long have you been dating?

Has she always been this way or has it gotten worse?

Why are you considering committing the rest of your life to her?

Im just trying to get a feel for the situation is all and your feelings about it.
What Judy said I have to agree with, when it comes to an addiction there is no little bit.... It will be an all or none situation and that has to be her decision not yours. You can set boundries for yourself and make sure they are respected but that is about all you can do.

es808

Thank you. I know I am not in control of her. When I told this (that I can't make rules for her) to her social worker she told me that I needed to discuss the consequences of her actions with her when she used. I think she told the social worker she was completely clean and sober. So that advice was no help at all.

It's not as black and white as you make it seem. Obviously I would love for her to be sober and healthy and stable but I do have some flexibility as to my limits. I know she is not ready or able to quit completely right now and I am willing to give her some time. I'm trying to be supportive of her and not to set rules and control and all of that.

It was actually her idea to set the guidelines as to restricting her use. However when she wants to use she wants to throw all of that out the window and then when the urge goes away she wants it reinstated.

I guess I need to talk to her about it and see what she really wants. If she wants the rules she will need to live by them all the time. If she doesn't she will have to deal with the consequences. If she wants me to enforce the rules... That's a game I'd rather not play but I know she may not be able to enforce them herself so that will be a difficult one to deal with.

Thanks Aspouse. This was extremely helpful.

LaTeeDa

Every post is still all about HER. What about YOU. What do you want for you. Not things you want from her (quitting, cutting down, etc.) What do you want for you????????

L

es808

Yes we are and no she does not have her own place.

About two years.

As of now she is better. As of two months ago she was worse. The mental instability was good at first, then we had a really bad couple of months leading to a suicide attempt (or an OD attempt, she says she didn't want to kill herself, she just wanted to go to sleep but she almost did kill herself).

The drug abuse has gotten better. She has been cutting down on the pot for a while now and she no longer drinks in the house for a month or so. However she often expresses that she wants to smoke all day or drink all day and would if it was available.


Because I love her and I am happier with her than I have been with anyone else, despite all of these issues. She is a wonderful person and she could be even better, or she could be much worse.

As for the addiction I was a very heavy drug addict in the past. I never had a problem with alcohol and now I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner every now and then. I don't since we don't drink in the house any more but I could and I never wanted to drink any more and actually dislike the effects of alcohol. However I could never do any of the drugs I did again or I'd be dead or on the street within a year.

I am setting boundaries for myself and enforcing them.

Currently, as I said, the situation is pretty good. However I harbor no illusions that it will be like this forever. It's been good before and it's been bad before and it always swings around. She just got out of an intensive program and has just embraced and started to deal with her mental issues. Maybe it's expecting to much to want her to deal with the substance abuse at the same time or maybe it's ridiculous to expect one to get better without working on the other.

ASpouse

Those consequences would be you setting boundaries. I doesn't seem as if you've done that.
Why not? Setting boundaries works whether the person is drunk or not.

Yes it is. You have behaviors you will tolerate and behaviors you won't. That's pretty black and white to me.
It's either a limit or it's not. To my mind, when I reach my limit with anything, that's as far as it goes. I'm done with it.

How much time? This is too open ended and leaves you with no viable outcome in sight.

By not setting rules or boundaries for what YOU want, you are in effect leaving yourself wide open to be controlling of her behavior. She needs to be responsible for herself and her behavior.

Who set the guidelines, her or you? If you set them for her, you are trying to control her behavior, even if she asked you to. If she wants guidelines then she should set her own and if she breaks them she is disappointing herself. You are not her father, you are her boyfriend.

Of course she does and she can blame you ..... after all you set the guidelines for her and she couldn't follow them.

I think you need to talk to her and tell her what you want and what your boundaries are.

If she sets them then this shouldn't be a problem.

Only if you let her know that.

It's not a good position to put yourself in. She is responsible for herself, you are not responsible for her.

But you are playing and she's sucked you into this game with such ease. Users are master manipulators and your GF is no exception to that rule.

You're welcome, but I'm sure you won't always be thanking me! LOL

es808

The consequences I was told to talk about were regarding the effects of her "relapses" on herself and her son... Not on me. But this advice was given with the presumption that she was clean.

What I absolutely will not tolerate has already been made clear. The rest is stuff that I am not sure about. Stuff that I can tolerate right now but maybe not in a month or a year or two years...

I know it is open-ended but on the other hand I can set an ultimatum which seems controlling to me or I can set a time limit in my own head which I am working on.

That is what I always say. The guidelines were her idea but I am expected to enforce them and give her a slap on the wrist when she breaks them. She does blame me even though she set the guidelines herself. She wants flexibility to change them at her whimsy. Hence the need to talk and set some rules so I don't need to be the "enforcer."

I don't want to be responsible for her. I don't feel comfortable setting rules and treating her like a child. It's not good for anyone and it's definitely not good for the relationship to set up a dynamic like this.

While I am playing I am aware that I am playing and being played and am thinking and talking about ways to get out of this game and this dynamic. At least I'm aware of the situation and am thinking about it, if not doing anything about it yet.

Probably not but change never comes easily.

denny57

What would happen if you said this to her in her next sober period? And then you stopped doing it - immediately?

es808

Most of her time is sober so that's not really a fair statement. I think I will discuss it with her tonight and try to figure something out that will take the responsibility off of me.