I don't know what to do with my husband's drinking problem
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lima, Perú
Posts: 7
I don't know what to do with my husband's drinking problem
The thing with my husband's drinking problem is that it only happens when he goes out with his band; which is once a week (at least, sometimes twice)... When he goes out with me, or when he is with OTHER friends, he can controll almost perfectly his drinking. But once a week, he has this kind of escape, and he drinks a lot, gets back home bumping into the walls and falling over the floor, and he gets really agressive, not phisically agressive, but verbally agressive. And he turns into this stupid thing who acts and even looks as he has a mental problem, like a down syndrome or something.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
I don't know what to do. I think AA is too much for the level of problem he has. But it is once a week, and that is a lot to me. To see him act like a mental ****** once a week is something that I can't bare. And I can´t imagine having children and having to cope at the same time with the worries that I don´t know where he is, and wonder at what time is he going to arrive when it is already past 2 a.m.... or being worried about him driving drunk.
Believe me, it may sound exaggerated, but this ONE time a week that he goes out with his band, is like hell for me.
If anybody has a similar experience or any suggestions about how to begin to face this problem, I´d be very grateful if you share it with me.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
I don't know what to do. I think AA is too much for the level of problem he has. But it is once a week, and that is a lot to me. To see him act like a mental ****** once a week is something that I can't bare. And I can´t imagine having children and having to cope at the same time with the worries that I don´t know where he is, and wonder at what time is he going to arrive when it is already past 2 a.m.... or being worried about him driving drunk.
Believe me, it may sound exaggerated, but this ONE time a week that he goes out with his band, is like hell for me.
If anybody has a similar experience or any suggestions about how to begin to face this problem, I´d be very grateful if you share it with me.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Mati
The thing with my husband's drinking problem is that it only happens when he goes out with his band; which is once a week (at least, sometimes twice)... When he goes out with me, or when he is with OTHER friends, he can controll almost perfectly his drinking. But once a week, he has this kind of escape, and he drinks a lot, gets back home bumping into the walls and falling over the floor, and he gets really agressive, not phisically agressive, but verbally agressive. And he turns into this stupid thing who acts and even looks as he has a mental problem, like a down syndrome or something.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
I don't know what to do. I think AA is too much for the level of problem he has. But it is once a week, and that is a lot to me. To see him act like a mental ****** once a week is something that I can't bare. And I can´t imagine having children and having to cope at the same time with the worries that I don´t know where he is, and wonder at what time is he going to arrive when it is already past 2 a.m.... or being worried about him driving drunk.
Believe me, it may sound exaggerated, but this ONE time a week that he goes out with his band, is like hell for me.
If anybody has a similar experience or any suggestions about how to begin to face this problem, I´d be very grateful if you share it with me.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
I don't know what to do. I think AA is too much for the level of problem he has. But it is once a week, and that is a lot to me. To see him act like a mental ****** once a week is something that I can't bare. And I can´t imagine having children and having to cope at the same time with the worries that I don´t know where he is, and wonder at what time is he going to arrive when it is already past 2 a.m.... or being worried about him driving drunk.
Believe me, it may sound exaggerated, but this ONE time a week that he goes out with his band, is like hell for me.
If anybody has a similar experience or any suggestions about how to begin to face this problem, I´d be very grateful if you share it with me.
I know how you feel sitting at home wondering what they are doing, fact is they are probably doing what you think and far worse. Not to mention driving drunk, their health, possible alcohol poisening, bar fights, etc. Once a week, once a month, once a year all too often for an alcoholic who can't control their drinking. For an alcoholic one drink is too many and 1000 drinks is not enough.
HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM AND AA IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT TO DRASTIC. REHAB IS NOT TO DRASTIC!!
Your attitude will allow him to continue drinking. Go to Al Anon yourself, don't worry about him getting into AA, go to Al anon and learn how to take care of ourself. If he wants to quit drinking, he will, BUT you my dear sadly can not make him, force him or blackmail him into it.
If you truely want him to quit, go to Al anon and learn how to take care of you!!! Please
Y
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Wow, two band threads in one day. Welcome to SR. Much good information and experience here. I hope you will stick around and read as much as you can.
Paragraph number one above is describing someone who has a problem with alcohol. Social drinkers generally do not fall down, get verbally agressive, or act like they have a mental problem.
Paragraph number two is describing how you play a part in this problem and how it affects you.
Number one, you cannot control. Number two, you can. First of all, take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. Even if you don't think your husband is an alcoholic, there is important information there that will help you to learn to cope with this problem. Also, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. Again, even if you do not think you have a problem, there is very good information that will help you in dealing with your husband.
After that, you may want to look into Alanon or counseling. Both can be tremendously helpful.
L
Originally Posted by Mati
But once a week, he has this kind of escape, and he drinks a lot, gets back home bumping into the walls and falling over the floor, and he gets really agressive, not phisically agressive, but verbally agressive. And he turns into this stupid thing who acts and even looks as he has a mental problem, like a down syndrome or something.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
So, I don't feel like asking him "never drink again" because I know he likes drinking and he can controll it in every other ocassion. Before, I even used to like hanging with the members of his band, and one of them was even my friend. But now I feel so vulnerable about WHAT the hell happens when he is with them; that I have come to hate his band.
Paragraph number two is describing how you play a part in this problem and how it affects you.
Number one, you cannot control. Number two, you can. First of all, take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. Even if you don't think your husband is an alcoholic, there is important information there that will help you to learn to cope with this problem. Also, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. Again, even if you do not think you have a problem, there is very good information that will help you in dealing with your husband.
After that, you may want to look into Alanon or counseling. Both can be tremendously helpful.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I think the bottom line is in having boundaries on what behaviour you will accept - drunk or sober I would have an issue with aggresive behaviour, but that's partly because as an adult I just won't live like that.
It's a good place here, lots of variety and folk who do care. Welcome aboard...
It's a good place here, lots of variety and folk who do care. Welcome aboard...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lima, Perú
Posts: 7
Thanks a lot for all your replies. I will be around and continue sharing with you my issues with my husband's alcoholism. I actually think he IS an alcoholic, I just don´t know whether he is an alcoholic all the time. And the truth is that sometimes we have a bottle of wine together and have a great romantic dinner; and everything is son fine with him (he doesn't suggest to open another bottle, etc... he doesn't act like an alcoholic a lot of times). So I don't want to loose the moments we are Ok with a couple of drinks; because being a declared alcoholic and saying "I can't drink anymore" is also kind of handicapped. I just would like to get rid of the band problem and continue with our life. We are a happy couple (most of the time); but I am very unhappy every thursday because -even when he doesn't get THAT drunk after his rehearsals--- I am so worried that he will, that I get too stressed and I become an person I don't like to be (watching the clock every five minutes, crying, or going out at 2 a.m. to look for him)
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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You don't know if he's an alcoholic all the time ...
... is like saying you can be a little bit pregnant. As has been mentioned here, once a week, once a month, or (as my aunt used to plan it) three times a year is enough. An alcoholic's approach to drinking is different. They drink to excess. They can become abusive and can behave like complete ******* as you mentioned. They also have an extremely strong belief system that is messed up. They believe they can control it and will go to any lengths to prove they can. I've lived with an A for many years and I have watched all sorts of looney ways he has attempted to deny he was an alcoholic.
The thing is, they cannot have a glass of wine with dinner. They want the entire bottle. Maybe not everytime, but it starts to take on a pattern after awhile, as you are seeing. ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. I can guarantee you this: his drinking will escalate unless it is arrested by working a program. Even when my aunt went on her benders three times a year, each "vacation" time from work became longer. Eventually, she would take three weeks of vacation leave from her government job and stay trashed the entire time. Originally her binges only lasted for a weekend. No alcoholic is immune from the progression.
I understand your concern, your disgust when he comes home drunk and acting stupid, and your hope that he will be okay. But the tragedy is you can no more get him to stop doing what he is doing than you can walk on water. It is his addiction and his alone.
Please consider Al-Anon. Go to six meetings before you make up your mind before you think it could work for you (that's what they advise you do when you first attend). Al-Anon is about YOU and what YOU can do with your own life. I hope you give it a try. It works.
The thing is, they cannot have a glass of wine with dinner. They want the entire bottle. Maybe not everytime, but it starts to take on a pattern after awhile, as you are seeing. ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. I can guarantee you this: his drinking will escalate unless it is arrested by working a program. Even when my aunt went on her benders three times a year, each "vacation" time from work became longer. Eventually, she would take three weeks of vacation leave from her government job and stay trashed the entire time. Originally her binges only lasted for a weekend. No alcoholic is immune from the progression.
I understand your concern, your disgust when he comes home drunk and acting stupid, and your hope that he will be okay. But the tragedy is you can no more get him to stop doing what he is doing than you can walk on water. It is his addiction and his alone.
Please consider Al-Anon. Go to six meetings before you make up your mind before you think it could work for you (that's what they advise you do when you first attend). Al-Anon is about YOU and what YOU can do with your own life. I hope you give it a try. It works.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
I don't think AA is too much for him, it might be a good thing. Not all alcoholics drink every night. Why can't be control himself those nights with the band? It is terrible seeing a loved one act like this. You have to set some boundaries. Could he go spend the night somewhere else on the nights he is going to drink like crazy, etc.
The drinking will most likely get worse.
The drinking will most likely get worse.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
There are all different types of alcoholics....we are all different. An "alcoholic" doesn't fit one sterotype. I used to think like you. I thought my husband wasn't an alcoholic. Afterall, he owned his own buisness, was educated, nice, charming, funny and smart. He didn't drink daily or even weekly. sometimes he and I could go out and have a few drinks htogether....sometimes even more than just a few and all was fine/fun. But sometimes, he'd go out and didn't have any limits. He'd say he'd be home at 9 and wouldn't waltz in til 2....bumping into walls, etc. He wouldn't answer his phone, etc. So of course, I'd worry. I'd tell him how it made me feel. He'd tell me it was because he drank liquor and he should just drink beer. Or the next time, it was because he didn't eat dinner or because of this friend or because of work, etc.....the list was endless. I always believed it. I tried to create this perfect setting for him so he could drink. Guess what? it still happened. It's called bargining and I did it right along side him.
My ah is a binge drinker. He didn't drink daily (still doesn't). Once every other week or so and only for one night (all he can handle physically). Sometimes, in between the binge, he can sit and just have a beer or two. Guess what? that doesn't make him any less an alcoholic than the guy who has to drink every day/ all day.....it just means he's at a different stage of his alcoholism.
A lot of denial went on within me. A lot of hurt and chaos, etc. Like you, I swore my husband was a great guy unless or until he drank with certain people or under certain conditions. I was so protective of him, etc. Once the denial started to fade, ssssllllllllooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy, I came to terms with things and accepted they weren't "perfect" unless or until he got drunk.
Stick around and nice to meet you.
My ah is a binge drinker. He didn't drink daily (still doesn't). Once every other week or so and only for one night (all he can handle physically). Sometimes, in between the binge, he can sit and just have a beer or two. Guess what? that doesn't make him any less an alcoholic than the guy who has to drink every day/ all day.....it just means he's at a different stage of his alcoholism.
A lot of denial went on within me. A lot of hurt and chaos, etc. Like you, I swore my husband was a great guy unless or until he drank with certain people or under certain conditions. I was so protective of him, etc. Once the denial started to fade, ssssllllllllooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy, I came to terms with things and accepted they weren't "perfect" unless or until he got drunk.
Stick around and nice to meet you.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lima, Perú
Posts: 7
Dear Sunshine003,
And what happened next? Did he quit completely? Is it the only way out? Or maybe discovering (in a therapy) why does he have to get to those extremes in a particular situation can help to prevent that kind of situation. It is not that I am in denial... I know we have a problem. The thing is that I also know that he doesn't want to quit drinking completely (and that is HIS decision, not mine), so my only hope (for the moment) is that he learns to handle THE situation in which everything goes wrong. Is it possible? Has something like this worked in any of your experiences?
And what happened next? Did he quit completely? Is it the only way out? Or maybe discovering (in a therapy) why does he have to get to those extremes in a particular situation can help to prevent that kind of situation. It is not that I am in denial... I know we have a problem. The thing is that I also know that he doesn't want to quit drinking completely (and that is HIS decision, not mine), so my only hope (for the moment) is that he learns to handle THE situation in which everything goes wrong. Is it possible? Has something like this worked in any of your experiences?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Originally Posted by Mati
my only hope (for the moment) is that he learns to handle THE situation in which everything goes wrong.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Every person is different... so there is not "one" way or "one" sign of things...
BUT... every alcoholic I know recovered or not has tried EVERY single thing they know to do to control the disease. Not one of them "wants" to give up drinking and will do everything under the moon to adjust it so that they can be a social drinker. I do know however that if he is an alcoholic then there is no lifestyle adjustment, pill, selfcontrol that is going to make one twit of difference. The behavior could change for awhile, or they might hide the drinking and it "seems" better etc, but that seems to be the road most of the A's I know follow till they reach there bottom... and who knows what that bottom is? Different for everyone.
Alcoholism is a disease.... think of it like this... If I have lung cancer can I control it by only smoking 5 cigs a day???
BUT... every alcoholic I know recovered or not has tried EVERY single thing they know to do to control the disease. Not one of them "wants" to give up drinking and will do everything under the moon to adjust it so that they can be a social drinker. I do know however that if he is an alcoholic then there is no lifestyle adjustment, pill, selfcontrol that is going to make one twit of difference. The behavior could change for awhile, or they might hide the drinking and it "seems" better etc, but that seems to be the road most of the A's I know follow till they reach there bottom... and who knows what that bottom is? Different for everyone.
Alcoholism is a disease.... think of it like this... If I have lung cancer can I control it by only smoking 5 cigs a day???
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
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Mati,
I really wish I had some fairy tale ending for you. No, he didn't stop, he kept looking for excuses or ways to try and make me feel better about it. When I didn't, he'd blame me, etc. It turned on me because like your boyfriend, he liked drinking. It continued here and there and like you, I'd worry and go looking for him at 2 am. That really angered him. It caused me to lose trust in him. Afterall, trust doesn't just mean "don't cheat on me." It has to do with being dependable and reliable. If you say you'll be home at a certain time or if you're going to be late you'll call....then why not follow through? He couldn't and he didn't. Without getting into what happened with me/mine, let me tell you something that really sticks out with me from you. You say you know "we" have a problem. No, "we" don't. If he likes to drink and if he likes drinking with his band mates, you saying he should do otherwise will make him mad.....to him, it isn't a problem. So really, it's your problem with something he's doing. You can't control him, you can only decide for yourself what is acceptable and what isn't. I have a feeling you've already told him how you don't like it an d it's continued which is what brought you here, correct? If you're going to continue in this relationship then start detaching a little from his behavior on those nights. In other words, thursday night comes, you know he's gonna be doing his own thing....so treat yourself to your own thing in order to live your life. Don't sit around worrying about it and him. Don't obsess and go driving looking for him. Be extra kind to yourself those nights. Pushing "this" out of your mind think only for yourself, such as, "what do I want to do tonight, it's MY night." If that means you curl up with a book to take your mind off it, do that. If it means rent movies, do that. If it means go out with a girl friend, do that. Get lost in something that is all about you. Sitting and worrying and obsessing and trying to control something you can't, will make you miserable. You'll make yourself miserable.....not him making you miserable.
Once you start doing that (it's part of what we call detaching) other things will become more clear. You'll be able to figure out your boundaries, how to enforce them, etc. You'll be able to let him own his choice. If he chooses to go out and get drunk, that's his choice.....not yours. When you over involve yourself to the point that you are, you are making it your problem.
I really wish I had some fairy tale ending for you. No, he didn't stop, he kept looking for excuses or ways to try and make me feel better about it. When I didn't, he'd blame me, etc. It turned on me because like your boyfriend, he liked drinking. It continued here and there and like you, I'd worry and go looking for him at 2 am. That really angered him. It caused me to lose trust in him. Afterall, trust doesn't just mean "don't cheat on me." It has to do with being dependable and reliable. If you say you'll be home at a certain time or if you're going to be late you'll call....then why not follow through? He couldn't and he didn't. Without getting into what happened with me/mine, let me tell you something that really sticks out with me from you. You say you know "we" have a problem. No, "we" don't. If he likes to drink and if he likes drinking with his band mates, you saying he should do otherwise will make him mad.....to him, it isn't a problem. So really, it's your problem with something he's doing. You can't control him, you can only decide for yourself what is acceptable and what isn't. I have a feeling you've already told him how you don't like it an d it's continued which is what brought you here, correct? If you're going to continue in this relationship then start detaching a little from his behavior on those nights. In other words, thursday night comes, you know he's gonna be doing his own thing....so treat yourself to your own thing in order to live your life. Don't sit around worrying about it and him. Don't obsess and go driving looking for him. Be extra kind to yourself those nights. Pushing "this" out of your mind think only for yourself, such as, "what do I want to do tonight, it's MY night." If that means you curl up with a book to take your mind off it, do that. If it means rent movies, do that. If it means go out with a girl friend, do that. Get lost in something that is all about you. Sitting and worrying and obsessing and trying to control something you can't, will make you miserable. You'll make yourself miserable.....not him making you miserable.
Once you start doing that (it's part of what we call detaching) other things will become more clear. You'll be able to figure out your boundaries, how to enforce them, etc. You'll be able to let him own his choice. If he chooses to go out and get drunk, that's his choice.....not yours. When you over involve yourself to the point that you are, you are making it your problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
Your husband sounds alot like mine..........there is no control in alcoholism!
You have to decide what you can live with or without. You won't be able to change those nights. If it wasn't the night out with the band it would be another situation.
My husband can also have one or two one day, and maybe a couple of days later only have a couple but I can set my watch by it every time. Before that week is over there will be a drunk night. He tried for short periods of time to not drink but it always happens again. Then it progresses and becomes two or three night a week he's drunk and out all night. There are differences in everyone. It's not how much or how often. It's how it affects the other areas of your life. If that one night every week is a given and it is affecting your relationship then it's a problem.
You have to decide how much of a problem.
You have to decide what you can live with or without. You won't be able to change those nights. If it wasn't the night out with the band it would be another situation.
My husband can also have one or two one day, and maybe a couple of days later only have a couple but I can set my watch by it every time. Before that week is over there will be a drunk night. He tried for short periods of time to not drink but it always happens again. Then it progresses and becomes two or three night a week he's drunk and out all night. There are differences in everyone. It's not how much or how often. It's how it affects the other areas of your life. If that one night every week is a given and it is affecting your relationship then it's a problem.
You have to decide how much of a problem.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I was at an open A.A. meeting one time and a guy who had thirty-five years sobriety mentioned that alcoholics - even with long periods of recovery - will sometimes question why they cannot drink like "normal" folks. He finally figured out the "why me?" by answering it with "why not?" Just as people die too young from terrible disease, have tragedies befall them, and all other sorts of junk life throws their way the bottom line is, "why not?" Nobody is immune from life. We have to accept life on life's terms. That's what part of recovery is all about. Acceptance.
You have to accept the situation for what it is. When you see it simply for what it is, you decide whether or not you want to live with it. You can also detach from it by tending to your needs. When we start trying to "fix" other people and situations, we get crazy. Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It explains the how's and why's of codies and the personal problems they have when they start trying to enable/control/fix other people's problems.
You have to accept the situation for what it is. When you see it simply for what it is, you decide whether or not you want to live with it. You can also detach from it by tending to your needs. When we start trying to "fix" other people and situations, we get crazy. Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It explains the how's and why's of codies and the personal problems they have when they start trying to enable/control/fix other people's problems.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lima, Perú
Posts: 7
I have tried to detach, to go to the movies, to hang out with friends or with my family... But the truth is that I come to a point when I have to get back home because I have to be up early the next morning, and if he is not home I get really angry. I have tried to "play indifferent" but it is not real, when I do, I am not being true to myself. How can you have a detached feeling when you see someone you really love act like a stranger, like somebody you don´t even know. I feel I loose him every time he gets like that; and that makes me panic. It may sound here we have an awful relationship but the truth is we really enjoy hanging with each other, we laugh a lot together, we spend a lot of time together... and then this thing happens and he becomes an ********, and I think "where is HE?" So I feel desperate, mostly because I want to find him and bring him back.
How do I detach?
On the other hand, I have seen the story of my grandparents... My grandfather was an alcoholic too, and my grandmother got so detached in order to protect herself that they grew apart and finally they became almost strangers to each other. They didn´t split up because of religious beliefs, but she went on with her life as if he wasn't even there. She carried so much anger because of this, that she became really bitter with him, although she could be a loving mother and grandmother to the rest of us.
Gabriel (my husband) and I are too much in love for that to happen. I don't know if detachment is the answer. It can make you grow colder, and too skeptic about everything. I don't want to find my self suddenly being unable to express my feelings because I am too scared to get too near him and then get disappointed.
How do I detach?
On the other hand, I have seen the story of my grandparents... My grandfather was an alcoholic too, and my grandmother got so detached in order to protect herself that they grew apart and finally they became almost strangers to each other. They didn´t split up because of religious beliefs, but she went on with her life as if he wasn't even there. She carried so much anger because of this, that she became really bitter with him, although she could be a loving mother and grandmother to the rest of us.
Gabriel (my husband) and I are too much in love for that to happen. I don't know if detachment is the answer. It can make you grow colder, and too skeptic about everything. I don't want to find my self suddenly being unable to express my feelings because I am too scared to get too near him and then get disappointed.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Detachment is not about indifference. It isn't about not loving. It isn't about stuffing your feelings down until they leak out in inappropriate ways. It's about seeing WHAT IS. Then you sit down and talk it out and think it out and decide what is in YOUR best interests. Pretending to ignore him doesn't help. Getting angry with him doesn't help. Detachment helps. Get Beattie's book. Read it and re-read it. Chapter 12 basically addresses learning to accept what is. With that comes peace.
Yes, you do have to go home. But you don't have to go home forever. Nothing in this life is forever. You learn detachment just like any other skill. It certainly doesn't happen overnight. Just take a single step in the right direction for now. Get into Al-Anon, get into CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), read literature. Life is throwing you a curve ball. You don't like it, nor would anyone else. But not liking it is not an effective way of dealing with it. It's the elephant laying dead in the middle of your living room. Everybody is stepping around it and pretending it isn't there. It is.
Feelings are indicators for us. Our brains are sending us a message. We need to determine what our feelings are really telling us to do. Then we need to take action. I hope this helps. There are people here who have mastered the art of detachment pretty darn well (far better than I have!) so keep reading what they have to say.
Yes, you do have to go home. But you don't have to go home forever. Nothing in this life is forever. You learn detachment just like any other skill. It certainly doesn't happen overnight. Just take a single step in the right direction for now. Get into Al-Anon, get into CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), read literature. Life is throwing you a curve ball. You don't like it, nor would anyone else. But not liking it is not an effective way of dealing with it. It's the elephant laying dead in the middle of your living room. Everybody is stepping around it and pretending it isn't there. It is.
Feelings are indicators for us. Our brains are sending us a message. We need to determine what our feelings are really telling us to do. Then we need to take action. I hope this helps. There are people here who have mastered the art of detachment pretty darn well (far better than I have!) so keep reading what they have to say.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
P.s. -
Detachment is definitely NOT about growing cold, brittle, emotionally bankrupt, or unfeeling. With detachment you can deal with the confusion, anger, hurt, resentment, whatever ... and you can have compassion and peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Here's a good sticky from the nar-anon board on detachment:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etachment.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etachment.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
The only treatment for my RAH (2 years sober) is complete abstinence and this is not like he is handicapped. He is truly living for the first time in his life after struggling for 19 years with an alcohol addiction. My personal belief is that an alcoholic can not just cut back or drink in moderation. I detached from my husband for a long time and we are very much in love. I was continuously in love with the person, but not the behavior. By not detaching, I felt that my love for him was actually going to be the nail in his coffin because I was seriously codependent and an enabler. Your grandmother wasn't cold and angry because she detached from your grandfather, most likely she was cold and angry because of the alcoholism in her family and never having the opportunity to live with a sober man. I bet had she attended al-anon or discovered the 12 steps, she would have lived a happy and detached life. For better or worse and in sickness and in health got me through 6 long and painful years, but even my HP understands that death can mean an active, drinking, abusive, awful alcoholic and at that point.....till death parts us, applies for me. Thanks to detaching and placing my RAH and myself into my HP's hands, we are together, happy, in love and not drinking at all today. Good luck to you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lima, Perú
Posts: 7
Everyone keeps telling me to go to Al-Anon and CoDA but I live in Perú (and I am peruvian) and I think we don't have that kind of spaces here. All I know of is AA (is it the same?). I go to a shrink, and that helps me a lot, but there I don't get to share with people that have the same problem I do, I just analyse my feelings and try to get answers from inside me.
What I can definitely do, is try to get that book you suggest from amazon.com. They mail it to you...
Thanks!
What I can definitely do, is try to get that book you suggest from amazon.com. They mail it to you...
Thanks!
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