Do you ever question your decisions....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Do you ever question your decisions....
Do you ever ask yourself maybe things wern't THAT bad. Maybe if he were here he's be doing better? I know the answers but I can't help questioning my final decision to kick him out.
He claims I overexaggerate. It's kind of like I forget how bad things were. Sometimes I miss that warm body laying next to me in bed.
Just wondering if anyone else does this to themselves.
He claims I overexaggerate. It's kind of like I forget how bad things were. Sometimes I miss that warm body laying next to me in bed.
Just wondering if anyone else does this to themselves.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Short answer: YES.
That's why I am here. I thought that way for years and here I am. Neither of us got any better "doing" that. I think it is all part of the dance of the disease. I think it is very common to feel that way. (My AH told me that many times,too! and strange thing is, I believed it for awhile!!)
If nothing changes then nothing changes.
That's why I am here. I thought that way for years and here I am. Neither of us got any better "doing" that. I think it is all part of the dance of the disease. I think it is very common to feel that way. (My AH told me that many times,too! and strange thing is, I believed it for awhile!!)
If nothing changes then nothing changes.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
All the time! But less and less as time goes on.
I think part of my problem was that I was looking for the perfect answer, the perfect solution, the perfect outcome! While I was looking for perfection, I was driving myself crazy because there is no such thing.
I've recently learned to change my outlook to this: I base my decision on all the knowledge that I have at the time, weigh the pros and cons on paper, and seek the best possible solution. It may not turn out to be 'the best decision' afterall, but it was the best choice at the moment. Sometimes that is the only thing to do.
Another thing I'm working on is 'what is best for me'? Not what is best for him, for her, for them, etc., but for 'me'! When you take everyone else out of the equation, it makes your picture a lot clearer.
Most of the men in my life, from father to brother to ex boyfriends have told me I am over emotional and exaggerate. They usually tell me that when I find out something about them that they've been hiding (as in lying to me)! Funny thing about that, huh? They get caught and turn it around to make 'you' look like the one that's at fault. It's called 'deflection', 'denial', or 'just plain annoying' if you ask me!!
You might 'forget' about how bad things were because that is sometimes how we cope with the unpleasantness of the situation. "It wasn't that bad"! "I wasn't really hurt"! "He really didn't mean it"! Oh yeah, I've been there and man have I done that! I eventually stopped lying to myself, because 'it was THAT bad', etc.
And about missing him, well, yeah....that is a part of it! Feel it while you feel it, but don't let it consume you. Life does get better without them.
I think part of my problem was that I was looking for the perfect answer, the perfect solution, the perfect outcome! While I was looking for perfection, I was driving myself crazy because there is no such thing.
I've recently learned to change my outlook to this: I base my decision on all the knowledge that I have at the time, weigh the pros and cons on paper, and seek the best possible solution. It may not turn out to be 'the best decision' afterall, but it was the best choice at the moment. Sometimes that is the only thing to do.
Another thing I'm working on is 'what is best for me'? Not what is best for him, for her, for them, etc., but for 'me'! When you take everyone else out of the equation, it makes your picture a lot clearer.
Most of the men in my life, from father to brother to ex boyfriends have told me I am over emotional and exaggerate. They usually tell me that when I find out something about them that they've been hiding (as in lying to me)! Funny thing about that, huh? They get caught and turn it around to make 'you' look like the one that's at fault. It's called 'deflection', 'denial', or 'just plain annoying' if you ask me!!
You might 'forget' about how bad things were because that is sometimes how we cope with the unpleasantness of the situation. "It wasn't that bad"! "I wasn't really hurt"! "He really didn't mean it"! Oh yeah, I've been there and man have I done that! I eventually stopped lying to myself, because 'it was THAT bad', etc.
And about missing him, well, yeah....that is a part of it! Feel it while you feel it, but don't let it consume you. Life does get better without them.
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Location: Sussex, NJ
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Sometimes I miss that warm body laying next to me in bed.
You are being over sentimental ... however I think this is normal in this stage of the game.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it's natural to question our decisions. I asked myself that if I had stayed would he have gotten the help he needed. The answer always comes back to no, he was able to use drugs, have me and our relationship as his safety net. When I left him, that safety net was gone, he crashed big time. I don't see him hitting his bottom if I had stayed. I don't see him feeling the need to make changes because everything was status quo. When I first discovered he was using, he talked a good game about going for treatment but never followed through. I question myself all the time but I think he needed to go through what he went through in order to discover what it is he really wants in life.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Do you ever ask yourself maybe things wern't THAT bad.
That's our disease. To get lulled back into the false sense of security. "Things weren't that bad." or "He's not drinking as much right now." I never saw the cycle/dance that we were going through, until I started journalling it. It was so cyclical/predictable. At its peak, we were having "incidents" exactly once a month (and it had nothing to do with MY cycle!! LOL!). Once I started to see through wide open eyes, I realized that nothing was going to change until I started to change my role.
Hang in there... it does get better.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I feel like the alcohol wasn't the only thing.....
ABF also wasn't working. He wasn't looking for a job either. He claims he was but he slept until noon and then was drunk by 5:00pm. I was paying all the bills. Also if we wanted to go out I had to foot the bill.
All his bills were late. His bank account was overdrawn by 500.00. His truck payment was 2 months past due. He had to go to his mom for money.
I'm the complete opposite. I'm on a strict budget and I have NEVER paid a bill late. I also work two jobs to have nice things for my kids and myself.
All this money stuff with really bothered me. I feel bad that it made him less of a man in my eyes that he couldn't support himself.
All his bills were late. His bank account was overdrawn by 500.00. His truck payment was 2 months past due. He had to go to his mom for money.
I'm the complete opposite. I'm on a strict budget and I have NEVER paid a bill late. I also work two jobs to have nice things for my kids and myself.
All this money stuff with really bothered me. I feel bad that it made him less of a man in my eyes that he couldn't support himself.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by jackson123
I feel bad that it made him less of a man in my eyes that he couldn't support himself.
All I can add is 8 months on I know I have made a good decision for myself. Warm bodies are everywhere if you're looking for that. Right now, I'm happy to have great sleeps at night.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Short answer: YES.
That's why I am here.
That's why I am here.
Originally Posted by ICU
Most of the men in my life, from father to brother to ex boyfriends have told me I am over emotional and exaggerate. They usually tell me that when I find out something about them that they've been hiding (as in lying to me)!
I'm getting better, a tiny bit at a time I think. To this day I don't think my bf was THAT bad. And I struggle with that. I forget how bad things were too, even just for me emotionally. Because things were always AWESOME or HORRIBLE. There was little in-between. Still, whether at Al-Anon meetings or here, I always feel like everyone else's stories are "worse." However, that's irrelevant. Now I try to remind myself that I don't even have to turn him into a monster, and I CAN remember the good stuff and hope for the best for him, allow time to tell. He's still the person who was such a tender kisser, generous, considerate, made me blueberry pancakes spelled out in my name (LOL), surprised me with silly little presents all the time, called me the 'best thing that ever happened to [him].' All the same guy. And that's ok. But nonetheless, even if he wasn't a monster, I still couldn't trust him, he wasn't honest with me, I was always worried, always on guard, always a detective, always questioning him AND myself, etc. Always nervous. Insecure. Tired. There was no time to relax with some drama happening every few days.
So nice guy or not, intentional acts or not, who wants a relationship like that? I know I deserve more, because I give more than that. I KNOW for a fact how good I was to him. I have no guilt. And I know that he knows that, too. So now I feel free to lay the burden on him. You love me? You hate your life? F'n do something about it. But it's up to me not to get dragged down in the process anymore. The WAITING anymore. And it was only a year for me! But I have my own life to worry about, and making my life/ emotional stability second to his was (is) exhausting and definitely not good for me. I thought this relationship would help me grow, break free from my family a bit, make a choice, take a risk, live a little. But it did the oppostite. It managed to keep me stuck, ironically. Still dependent on another, despite my rebellion.
Anyway, I think it's normal to question because you care for him, plain and simple. And because there's still some denial there, that this miraculous thing might still happen. Others here might disagree with me, but I think it's even normal to wish someone couldn't live without you.... A woman at Al-Anon told me last night that that's ok, it's what makes us HUMAN. Today is 2 weeks of no-contact with my boyfriend and I know he'll call at some point, and I know I can't answer when he does, but you know what? It is irking me that he hasn't started calling yet. F'd up, but mixed emotions, even contradictory ones, have to be normal. I guess I'm not 'better' yet either.
The fact of the matter is, you tried it the other way. So did I. Letting him stay, helping him out, thinking THIS TIME was different from all the rest. My friends used to get so mad at me for that one. It's never different. Didn't work then, and all things being equal, it won't work this time either. So I'd say to try not questioning your decision to the point of insanity. I do the same so I know how hard it is, but one thing I think I've finally accepted is that there was NO ALTERNATIVE that would have helped matters, and this was the only thing I didn't try yet. And if I don't learn to take care of and protect myself, no one else is gonna do it either. And for some reason, that makes me go so much easier on myself.
Sorry for the ramble.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
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Jackson,
When you start questioning yourself go back and read all your old posts, imagine SICK painted on his forehead and most importantly keep the thought in your mind that you have 2 kids to raise and you don't have time for a drunk to be lying around on your couch living off of you.
Just his actions the last 3 weeks should be reinforcing that you made the right decisions for you and your KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
When you start questioning yourself go back and read all your old posts, imagine SICK painted on his forehead and most importantly keep the thought in your mind that you have 2 kids to raise and you don't have time for a drunk to be lying around on your couch living off of you.
Just his actions the last 3 weeks should be reinforcing that you made the right decisions for you and your KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
This post brought to mind the opening to Chapter 9 of "Codependent No More." I hadn't read the book in over two years, and just recently picked it up again when it started to sink in that I'd be facing my AH this Friday after a 35 day absence.
"What is it about me?" she asked.
"Do I need a dead body laying in my bed
in order to feel good about myself?"
-Alice B., a codependent who has been married to two alcoholics-
"What is it about me?" she asked.
"Do I need a dead body laying in my bed
in order to feel good about myself?"
-Alice B., a codependent who has been married to two alcoholics-
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
question my decisions??? sure,all the time. one thing i have found in my life though,that it is not just alcoholics or addicts who say things to you like,"you over exaggerate".i have found too many times these types of things are said just so the other person can justify their behavior.and ive often wondered if sometimes some of the things they say are on purpose to make you question your sanity.
so,i too..many times,have journaled about whats going on. that way,when the other person made me feel like i was forgetful,crazy,over-exagerating,etc i could read and find out. or,when i was lonely and questioned my decisions to end relationships....i saw in black and white,just how unhappy i was when i was with them.
so many times,i too,have thought if i had hung in there,with a few of them....maybe my support would have finally been what they needed. but,as i said many times....the NOW part always got to me. i guess ill never be the subject of one of those songs about how i stood by his side.....or the toast of an anniversay that says same........but thats ok.
and now,its really strange.ive come so far in my life....and the mind struggles were worth it because when i look back now at people in my life,ive finally come to grips with the ones i still genuinely care about and the ones i only thought i did. i genuinely know that some of them,i did love deeply,but we just werent good as a couple,and never will be. and i accept that.no matter how lonely i get.
so,i too..many times,have journaled about whats going on. that way,when the other person made me feel like i was forgetful,crazy,over-exagerating,etc i could read and find out. or,when i was lonely and questioned my decisions to end relationships....i saw in black and white,just how unhappy i was when i was with them.
so many times,i too,have thought if i had hung in there,with a few of them....maybe my support would have finally been what they needed. but,as i said many times....the NOW part always got to me. i guess ill never be the subject of one of those songs about how i stood by his side.....or the toast of an anniversay that says same........but thats ok.
and now,its really strange.ive come so far in my life....and the mind struggles were worth it because when i look back now at people in my life,ive finally come to grips with the ones i still genuinely care about and the ones i only thought i did. i genuinely know that some of them,i did love deeply,but we just werent good as a couple,and never will be. and i accept that.no matter how lonely i get.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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I think that questioning ourselves is a very normal part of the recovery process. As we heal, change, and grow - our world is changing. The way we see things, the way we feel about things, etc. and it's a strange feeling. I think that often times we realize that we've been stuck in a pattern for so long that we fear the unknown. And in that, we seek what we are comfortable with - in this case, our A. Also, as we heal, that does not mean that we stop loving or caring about the A in our lives. As we become better, we feel more compassion for the A, not just anger and bitterness. Having compassion makes us more loving; therefore we question again if we've done the right thing.
I have questioned myself on if I've done the right thing more than I care to admit. As was mentioned above, reading old posts really gives me a wake up call when I need one. Not allowing myself to forget the pain and feelings that I felt when A would do the things he did, say the things he did, etc. keep me in check as well so I don't go down that minimalizing the situation road. My feelings were real - and they hurt!
I see some changes in Ah - I also see alot of things that have not changed. And I need more than words, broken promises, etc. these days. I'm not willing to compromise myself, my beliefs, and my self respect anymore in order to bring him home. I'll still keep asking myself if I've done the right thing - and while those things have not changed, I'll keep on telling myself that "I have".
One day at a time jackson.
I have questioned myself on if I've done the right thing more than I care to admit. As was mentioned above, reading old posts really gives me a wake up call when I need one. Not allowing myself to forget the pain and feelings that I felt when A would do the things he did, say the things he did, etc. keep me in check as well so I don't go down that minimalizing the situation road. My feelings were real - and they hurt!
I see some changes in Ah - I also see alot of things that have not changed. And I need more than words, broken promises, etc. these days. I'm not willing to compromise myself, my beliefs, and my self respect anymore in order to bring him home. I'll still keep asking myself if I've done the right thing - and while those things have not changed, I'll keep on telling myself that "I have".
One day at a time jackson.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
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I question myself all the time.
Did I stay to long? (23 years)
Did I not stay long enough?
Were my reasons for staying wrong?
Were my reasons for leaving selfish?
Did I do damage to my now adult children in staying?
Is my no contact with him for a year and a half just another form of denial?
Did he really ever love me or was I just a safety net?
Will I ever be able to have any type of relationship with him? (he wants to be friends ahhhhhhhhhhh)
As time goes on the questions change and the answers come slowly.
Some questions will never be answered and I have to let it go.
I will always have to have knowledge or contact with this person, as we have children, so therefore their will always be questions in my mind.
Some people say........ What does it matter? It is in your past, well it is a pretty huge part of my past to wonder about.
It is my history, and what has made me the person I am today, so it isn't that easy to put it behind me and just forget about it.
I can say as time goes on and I live a somewhat "healthy" or "normal" life, I can see how crazy being with him was.
I can't even imagine being the twisted up person on a daily basis I was just 2 years ago.
When I was in the situation I would minimize and think "well some people have it worse. Now I look back and think "How the heck did I ever survive that insanity.
Keep asking the questions, just don't get obsessed in finding the answers, they may or may not come in time.
Did I stay to long? (23 years)
Did I not stay long enough?
Were my reasons for staying wrong?
Were my reasons for leaving selfish?
Did I do damage to my now adult children in staying?
Is my no contact with him for a year and a half just another form of denial?
Did he really ever love me or was I just a safety net?
Will I ever be able to have any type of relationship with him? (he wants to be friends ahhhhhhhhhhh)
As time goes on the questions change and the answers come slowly.
Some questions will never be answered and I have to let it go.
I will always have to have knowledge or contact with this person, as we have children, so therefore their will always be questions in my mind.
Some people say........ What does it matter? It is in your past, well it is a pretty huge part of my past to wonder about.
It is my history, and what has made me the person I am today, so it isn't that easy to put it behind me and just forget about it.
I can say as time goes on and I live a somewhat "healthy" or "normal" life, I can see how crazy being with him was.
I can't even imagine being the twisted up person on a daily basis I was just 2 years ago.
When I was in the situation I would minimize and think "well some people have it worse. Now I look back and think "How the heck did I ever survive that insanity.
Keep asking the questions, just don't get obsessed in finding the answers, they may or may not come in time.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Oh Jackson,
I agree with the suggestions of keeping a Journal and rereading your previous post.
If you didn't keep a journal before - then start one now - and write every one of the most horrible things you can think about that he did to you, to your children, to your family, to your home, don't sugar coat it - be honest.
Remember how painful it felt. Remember this is what you are thinking about letting back into your home. Has he really displayed that much change in his behaviors? Or has he just whined really, really loud?
Yes, he has a disease, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you or your children.
We all second guess our decisions. Have you ever read any info on Acceptance? "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in your Higher Power's world by mistake" - so your Higher Power may have him out of your home for a reason -
I know that you won't get rid of all these feelings over night, but it will get better -
One Day At a Time,
Rita
I agree with the suggestions of keeping a Journal and rereading your previous post.
If you didn't keep a journal before - then start one now - and write every one of the most horrible things you can think about that he did to you, to your children, to your family, to your home, don't sugar coat it - be honest.
Remember how painful it felt. Remember this is what you are thinking about letting back into your home. Has he really displayed that much change in his behaviors? Or has he just whined really, really loud?
Yes, he has a disease, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you or your children.
We all second guess our decisions. Have you ever read any info on Acceptance? "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in your Higher Power's world by mistake" - so your Higher Power may have him out of your home for a reason -
I know that you won't get rid of all these feelings over night, but it will get better -
One Day At a Time,
Rita
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by Japic05
- so your Higher Power may have him out of your home for a reason -
The more I let go the more good flows in.
I also find journaling a great way to work it all out.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Okay,
So after reading this I'm wondering why you are questioning anything.
You have a life of serenity ahead of you to take care of you and your kids.
Ngaire
So after reading this I'm wondering why you are questioning anything.
You have a life of serenity ahead of you to take care of you and your kids.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by jackson123
ABF also wasn't working. He wasn't looking for a job either. He claims he was but he slept until noon and then was drunk by 5:00pm. I was paying all the bills. Also if we wanted to go out I had to foot the bill.
All his bills were late. His bank account was overdrawn by 500.00. His truck payment was 2 months past due. He had to go to his mom for money.
I'm the complete opposite. I'm on a strict budget and I have NEVER paid a bill late. I also work two jobs to have nice things for my kids and myself.
All this money stuff with really bothered me. I feel bad that it made him less of a man in my eyes that he couldn't support himself.
All his bills were late. His bank account was overdrawn by 500.00. His truck payment was 2 months past due. He had to go to his mom for money.
I'm the complete opposite. I'm on a strict budget and I have NEVER paid a bill late. I also work two jobs to have nice things for my kids and myself.
All this money stuff with really bothered me. I feel bad that it made him less of a man in my eyes that he couldn't support himself.
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