FriendofBill

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.

It has been a hard few days. Sunday, I went to his house becuase he didnt answer the phone, return calls or text's, thinking he was od'd or worse. For 3 hours, I knocked on the door, called, everything. He did not come out and finally I contacted his cousin, after I left, to go and see if he was alive. The cousin later called and told my son he was okay. He didnt tell the specifics of what he found, but the ex never contacted me to tell me what happened.

I later thought of how dangerous this has become and I wrote an email to the cousin, the only family member I thought I could trust, telling about what has gone on, and asked for his help in an intervention. I laid out the plan, said I was talking with professionals at the treatment center here, calling his former AA friends forhelp and guidance, and said this disease is killing him.

I told him if he didnt want to help, I understood, but to not tell J about it, that it would destroy any chance to help him if he about it.

I never got a reply from the cousin, but last night J called and raged at me, saying the cousin had told him of my email.

I was devestated this man would break my confidence. He apparently took control into his own hands, thinking he knew how to save J and would have one of "those" talks with him, the kind that get people sober. He knows nothing about alcoholism, knows nothing about how to help.

I called the cousin, in desperate anger and fear, and told him he ruined our chance, that this man is dying of this disease....his reply to me was " He is NOT dying, Christina".

I dont know who is sicker...the alcoholic, or the ignorant family members who know nothing about addiction.

My ex has called me 22 times since, threatening me, angry....

Im done. Im just so tired and in depair. Im just done.

debmar

Dearest Friendofbill, I am a new young widow, can you guess from what? Of course you can. My husband's using went to the point of no return, he overdosed and passed away nine months ago. Twenty-five years together. We are tortured by their disease, this is true. But please remember as much as we hate them, they are tortured in return, by their disease, it is CANCER, we just don't see it that way. We are in the front row watching them kill themselves. I struggle because he was sober for ten years, relapsed and I waited to go back to his sobriety, everyday I thought can we go back now? No we can't I learned there is no going back, only forward. Things were so horrible and outta control the last year of his life. I told him, I wished he would die, be careful what you wish for! Now I punish myself for saying that and it came true, you know I did'nt want that. His forty first birthday came, he said he did'nt deserve a cake or presents, my parents and I agreed, we had never turned our backs on him ever, but that's how bad it was. On his birthday I could'nt do it, he is the love of my life and a human being with a disease. So I made his favorite dessert and I had a candle of the number four, but not the one, so I took a little plastic knife and stuck it in for the number one. I walked over to him and started singing happy birthday, I had the camera as I always did for every moment of our lives, ran it in video mode and sang to him as he cried, and he said "I don't deserve this, I deserve to die" Crying and crying and let me tell you, I have viewed this saddest piece of history in our entire lives and I could really kill myself to it. I asked myself why did I take so many pictures to show him what he looked like high, I took a video the week he died, showing him the video, he said " look at me I'm a vegtable, I can't talk, I can't move, he watched in awe of himself, and he was sober three days after that, and on the fourth day, he was gone forever. I know your pain, we either stay, or we leave. I chose to stay and did until death do us part, and we did. Prayers to you, sincerely Debbie P.S. those horrible memories I have, do help me to remember how I got here today all alone in the world, for the first time in my life since I was sixteen with him.

Grasshopper

******{debmar}}}}}},my prayers are with you.Sending my sincere condolences.
***,unless,the alcoholic,allows another to help them,what can you do?It is a progressive disease,often called the "family" disease.All members do play a part,their own part.Of course blood is thicker than water,right?,so naturally the cousin gave the scoop,to your man.Thinking,im guessing here,that, he was saving him,from the intervention.Ya know the crazy thinking,the insanity of it all.Do what you feel is best.Having tried myself to get another alcoholic,to realize that they were killing themselvs,went on deaf ears.Because the alcoholic,wasnt allowing anyone to help,at that time.
I made a decision to accept,where this person was,and to continue on with my own recovery.To detache with love.Means to me,that he is not on my mind 24/7.To let the conquences happen.Example when the boss called me,and threatened to fire my hub,i said do what you have to,and please in future talk to my hub,not me.At the same time,hub, got to the point where he was gone,mentally,not washing himself,,eating,etc..At this point i stepped,in to a point,but still letting conquences happen.
All i know for sure,is to pray and keep working on my own recovery.To try to be an example.When it got bad enough,on his terms,he sought help.
My prayers are with you.Pray and ask God,for guidence,peace of heart, and mind for yourself,and your man.

DesertEyes

Hey there Friend, have a big

Being "done" is a good place to be. It's how we move forward in life, when we are done with the past. That feeling of despair you can take to a meeting and share about it. When I do that, take my pain to a meeting, I alwyas find somebody else who finds hope in my experience.

We're all here for you, as are all the other people of recovery in real life meetings all over the world.

Mike

gelfling

Dearest ***.. You said he was your ex. Leave it at that.

You've influenced us in so many ways with being an absolute b*all buster. So, my turn. Stop trying to control his life. He's your ex. He doesn't care. He never did and nothing you do will ever make him care. Why are you trying for an intervention? What makes you think doing it now will make any difference? The 3C's dearest...you know them. Don't need to say them to you. And contacting a relative of his....WRONG!!! Denial is rampant in the lives and family of alcoholics/addicts. Unless, they've been burned about 1,000 times and it finally sinks in.

Let it go and let God. Focus on your beautiful son and your life. From past posts, it seemed your son was functioning quite well. That's a big plus. Don't stir up the pot with this intervention thought and think it's not going to have an effect on him. Let him be a kid/adolescent.

Love you and have missed your blunt posts. They've been a** kickers for me at times and for that I am grateful.

Oh and as to wishing they would just die... I prayed that it would happen. After tolerating the abuse for years, it's only natural to think like that. Spoke with my therapist about that and she said the thought is part of our disease. No disgrace or shame. And for those who say they "would never think that", I say, give it time and years of verbal, physical and financial abuse.

Blessings, Kathy

cwohio

christina - i truly hope you are done. we can't do anything but take care of ourselves. i tried over and over - running mine to the hospital after withdrawal seizures, time and time again - fearing he would have a stroke and die in front of me. he even told me once that if i called the paramedics again he would take me to court - this disease - so sickening! when i continued to let go and walked out of the house that day to not get caught up in the diseased games, well...that's when i really knew i was going to have to leave him. i couldn't save him and he died that day. i try not to have guilt for leaving the house that day but it does creep in every once in a while. it does indeed hurt to watch the disease rob someone we care about of their body and soul. all i can do now is get myself straightened out!

take care of yourself and your son and let God take care of your ex!