Just die already
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Just die already
Sometimes...I just wish he would die and let his and our pain end.
Isnt that what Vet's do for animals who are suffering horrendous pain? They put them out of thier misery, instead of the owner watching them die, bit by bit, ripping out the hearts and souls watching and feeling the pain.
Alcoholism is a waking, walking tortuous nightmare.
If he doesnt want to live.....then just die already.
Its got to be better than this....waking, walking nightmare.
Isnt that what Vet's do for animals who are suffering horrendous pain? They put them out of thier misery, instead of the owner watching them die, bit by bit, ripping out the hearts and souls watching and feeling the pain.
Alcoholism is a waking, walking tortuous nightmare.
If he doesnt want to live.....then just die already.
Its got to be better than this....waking, walking nightmare.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Friend Of Bill,
Sometimes I wished that my ex would get pulled over drunk and be arrested and they would keep him there for awhile.
Sometimes I wished that he ended up in the hospital and they would send him to rehab for a couple of months.
Sometimes I wished he would go back to one of his ex's or, find a new woman to be with.
Sometimes I wished he wouldn't come home so that I could have a few hours of peace.
I really didn't want anything bad to happen to him, I was just beyond exhausted, both mentally and physically, and needed some long overdue rest!
Could that be the case with you?
Sometimes I wished that my ex would get pulled over drunk and be arrested and they would keep him there for awhile.
Sometimes I wished that he ended up in the hospital and they would send him to rehab for a couple of months.
Sometimes I wished he would go back to one of his ex's or, find a new woman to be with.
Sometimes I wished he wouldn't come home so that I could have a few hours of peace.
I really didn't want anything bad to happen to him, I was just beyond exhausted, both mentally and physically, and needed some long overdue rest!
Could that be the case with you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
((((F of B)))) I think we have all felt this way.I know I have. I am so sorry and will say a little prayer for all three of you.
I remember my father saying this same thing about my mother,too when she was dying a slow, painful death to cancer. To tell the truth.it's still isn't much better after they do die on many levels.
I remember my father saying this same thing about my mother,too when she was dying a slow, painful death to cancer. To tell the truth.it's still isn't much better after they do die on many levels.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
F of B - I sometimes want bad things to happen to my STBXAH, but then I feel guilty thinking it. Here's what I wanted:
I want him to get every std known to mankind.
I want him to loose his job so he feels what he did to the kids and I.
I want every woman that he's with for the rest of his life to cheat on him.
I want him to die a slow painful death from chirosis of the liver.
I just want him gone.....never to resurface again.
See??? You aren't the only one who has these thoughts...I'm not proud of them, I'm just sooooooo hurt and alone. And loneliness can warp the brain sometimes.
(((((hugs)))))
Janit
I want him to get every std known to mankind.
I want him to loose his job so he feels what he did to the kids and I.
I want every woman that he's with for the rest of his life to cheat on him.
I want him to die a slow painful death from chirosis of the liver.
I just want him gone.....never to resurface again.
See??? You aren't the only one who has these thoughts...I'm not proud of them, I'm just sooooooo hurt and alone. And loneliness can warp the brain sometimes.
(((((hugs)))))
Janit
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Friend of Bill)))))
I am sorry you are having this difficulty right now.
I have 2 siblings that I had a shuddering thought about just today...OMG they are already dead my younger sister white as a ghoust with huge dark circles under her eyes and my younger brother pencil thin,totally grey headed, and looking like he is about 75 when he is really 49.
It is so hard when people that we care about do such terrible things to themselves and we have a front row seat. I know how you feel. Over half my family is just gone although they walk around it is so painful I know.
Prayers going out for you and your family.
I am sorry you are having this difficulty right now.
I have 2 siblings that I had a shuddering thought about just today...OMG they are already dead my younger sister white as a ghoust with huge dark circles under her eyes and my younger brother pencil thin,totally grey headed, and looking like he is about 75 when he is really 49.
It is so hard when people that we care about do such terrible things to themselves and we have a front row seat. I know how you feel. Over half my family is just gone although they walk around it is so painful I know.
Prayers going out for you and your family.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Friend of Bill )))
I know you have been here for a while. As strong as we can be, as much as we reach out, as many meetings as we go to, as much literature we read... some days are just darker than others.
I know there are miracles... my mother is one. She was very bad off... she had been a daily drink until she passed out drinker for way over ten years. She was swollen and yellow, and her body was covered with bruises. She was barely concious the biggest part of most days. Her existance did not make sense... I wished she would die - many, many times.
Today, she has over 25 years sober. She is vibrant, active, beautiful and social. She is a popular, well liked woman. I love the woman she is today.
How she got from there to here is a mystery to some.... but a miracle to me.
There was damage... to us, to her, to her relationships. It wasn't easy or simple. But it happened.
Today... open AA and open NA meetings can give me hope and strength when I feel weak and hopeless.
I wish you well and send prayers for comfort ((((Friend of Bill))))
I know you have been here for a while. As strong as we can be, as much as we reach out, as many meetings as we go to, as much literature we read... some days are just darker than others.
I know there are miracles... my mother is one. She was very bad off... she had been a daily drink until she passed out drinker for way over ten years. She was swollen and yellow, and her body was covered with bruises. She was barely concious the biggest part of most days. Her existance did not make sense... I wished she would die - many, many times.
Today, she has over 25 years sober. She is vibrant, active, beautiful and social. She is a popular, well liked woman. I love the woman she is today.
How she got from there to here is a mystery to some.... but a miracle to me.
There was damage... to us, to her, to her relationships. It wasn't easy or simple. But it happened.
Today... open AA and open NA meetings can give me hope and strength when I feel weak and hopeless.
I wish you well and send prayers for comfort ((((Friend of Bill))))
4/23/2006 and counting
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Great Northwest
Posts: 55
I know what you're feeling. I thought if my hubby got embarassed at a work function, he'd get clean (wrong); if his and my families saw how awful he was treating me, he'd get clean (wrong); if he got a DUI, he'd have to get clean (wrong). I was actually hoping he'd get arrested, wreck the car, find a girlfriend, even die (?) if that meant an end to our pain. Hey, I'd tell myself, at least I'll get a half-million in life insurance, right? In the last few months before we got sober, I started subconsciously and purposefully sabotaging our marriage -- telling him to go ahead and work late, picking fights, sleeping during the day so he could go to bed before me. My reasoning was, our marriage was going to end, anyway, so I'd make it more painful by making us hate each other first. All along, the main motivation was so HE would have to deal with HIS problem, but I could continue on my merry way, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.
Joke's on me -- I actually had a drinking problem, as well. The whole time I was condemning him (yes, he is a sober alcoholic, too), I was putting away 5 Guiness stouts, maybe following it up with a couple Vicodin or Ambien. But I only started after the kids were safely in bed, so NO WAY could I be an alcoholic.
Now, I feel awful that I wished such awful things. It's like I misjudged his character; as soon as we were both out from under the fog of alcohol, we were both much more able to start fixing what had gone so horribly wrong. I think we hope (not really) these things will happen for two reasons: we so desperately hate to see someone we love slowly killing themselves, and we don't want to face the fact repairing something so broken will take time and hard work.
Best of luck to all who are dealing with this struggle. I look back at Sept 05 to March 06 and see blackness - I was horribly depressed, considering suicide to get myself out of the situation so my family could heal, drunk every night by 10pm, staying up frantically cleaning house or organizing paperwork until 4am to avoid my husband, maybe popping a Ritalin or Adderall the next morning to get in gear. Repeat ad nauseam. Hold on and, if nothing else, get help for you, as getting dragged into the "you hurt me, I'll hurt you" cycle is detrimental to both of you, as well as your families.
Many thoughts....
Joke's on me -- I actually had a drinking problem, as well. The whole time I was condemning him (yes, he is a sober alcoholic, too), I was putting away 5 Guiness stouts, maybe following it up with a couple Vicodin or Ambien. But I only started after the kids were safely in bed, so NO WAY could I be an alcoholic.
Now, I feel awful that I wished such awful things. It's like I misjudged his character; as soon as we were both out from under the fog of alcohol, we were both much more able to start fixing what had gone so horribly wrong. I think we hope (not really) these things will happen for two reasons: we so desperately hate to see someone we love slowly killing themselves, and we don't want to face the fact repairing something so broken will take time and hard work.
Best of luck to all who are dealing with this struggle. I look back at Sept 05 to March 06 and see blackness - I was horribly depressed, considering suicide to get myself out of the situation so my family could heal, drunk every night by 10pm, staying up frantically cleaning house or organizing paperwork until 4am to avoid my husband, maybe popping a Ritalin or Adderall the next morning to get in gear. Repeat ad nauseam. Hold on and, if nothing else, get help for you, as getting dragged into the "you hurt me, I'll hurt you" cycle is detrimental to both of you, as well as your families.
Many thoughts....
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
My thoughts & prayers are with you -
My prayer for many years was that my AH would burn down the house, from passing out with a lit cigarette, killing both he and I, while our 5 daughters were staying with friends or family. Then they would have the insurance money and they would be better off without both of us.
My HP didn't answer that prayer, but He did get us into recovery. (He in AA & I in Al-Anon). Didn't solve all our problems - but it does make life a little better - One Day At A Time,
Wishing You a special blessing today,
Rita
My prayer for many years was that my AH would burn down the house, from passing out with a lit cigarette, killing both he and I, while our 5 daughters were staying with friends or family. Then they would have the insurance money and they would be better off without both of us.
My HP didn't answer that prayer, but He did get us into recovery. (He in AA & I in Al-Anon). Didn't solve all our problems - but it does make life a little better - One Day At A Time,
Wishing You a special blessing today,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I went through the same thing. I got so tired of the frequent sound of vomiting, missed days (oftentimes weeks) of work when he was ALWAYS here. I just wanted my space, my house back, my peace and quiet. He finally fell into our swimming pool in mid-May. I never heard it happen because I was inside cleaning a bathroom. He came in soaking wet and told me what happened - it sobered him up a little bit. However, he trashed our wonderful phone handset. Darn. It was a good phone. I really hated to see it bite the dust. I kept thinking, "Why didn't he just drown and that would be a neat, tidy end to it?"
A month later, he was locked up in a detox/rehab. He'll be out on Thursday after 35 days in the facility. He sounds lucid and quite committed to working his program. I wish him well and I feel bad that I ever wished death for him. However, I did learn that his sobriety is not the key to my being happy. If he doesn't maintain sobriety this time, I'll leave and he knows it. I may leave anyway after all the crap I've gone through with him. It's just a wait-and-see situation. One day at a time.
A month later, he was locked up in a detox/rehab. He'll be out on Thursday after 35 days in the facility. He sounds lucid and quite committed to working his program. I wish him well and I feel bad that I ever wished death for him. However, I did learn that his sobriety is not the key to my being happy. If he doesn't maintain sobriety this time, I'll leave and he knows it. I may leave anyway after all the crap I've gone through with him. It's just a wait-and-see situation. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
The things they do when drinking....
Prodigal. You posting about the pool incident brought memories back of all the stupid stuff ABF did while drinking. He was rototilling the garden and cut the cable line. I guess it could have happened to anyone but he went right back out and cut the phone line.
He also fell off a kitchen chair after he passed out. I heard the big thud and ran to the kitchen to see what happened. On the floor ice cream everywhere. Memories....
He also fell off a kitchen chair after he passed out. I heard the big thud and ran to the kitchen to see what happened. On the floor ice cream everywhere. Memories....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
At the beginning of my nightmare, when my wife, soon to be X wife, was in rehab for 28 days......I was talking to her mother. I told her that I felt guilty because I did not miss her, I was soooo tired of worring about her, with the kids, driving and drinking etc. It was just a relief she was somewhere safe, getting help. Her Mom told me she understood. Her husband was alcoholic, and when he once wrecked his car, she had secretly hoped he had died!
At least he has recovered.....my wife still spirals down to some unknown bottom.
But thing is, I guess we all feel the same way as you at times about our alcoholic loved ones. That sometimes death would be a way out of the nightmare. Maybe they will wake up!!! Hope so, at least!
At least he has recovered.....my wife still spirals down to some unknown bottom.
But thing is, I guess we all feel the same way as you at times about our alcoholic loved ones. That sometimes death would be a way out of the nightmare. Maybe they will wake up!!! Hope so, at least!
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