witsend

Once again, my brother is drunk on vodka (the big no-no in our family). I don't know what to do! Everytime he gets like this he always turns violent and always ends up in jail. He's tried AA and he can't stay with the program. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know how to guide him if he actually wanted to sober, but he doesn't. We've tried interventions, it didn't work. I don't know where else to turn! Is there anyone that has had this problem and can offer advice? I'm at my wit's end....

Ann

Wits End

Welcome to our forum, and yes most of us can relate exactly to that you are going through. Also, many here are also recovering addicts and alcoholics, so they will be along soon and share from their perspective.

Sadly, you cannot help your brother until he wants help. You can love him, encourage him and not enable him, but you can't make him change.

But you can do things for yourself that will help you deal with this.
If you haven't yet been to an Al-Anon meeting, try one. Even though the steps are the same, the sharing, issues, and focus is different. Many people in my group also go to AA or NA, like you.

Read some of the posts here, read the "sticky" posts at the top of Al-Anon and Nar- Anon and pick up a little information that will help.

We have a saying here - love the addict/alcoholic - hate the disease. We love our A's, but have had to learn to live well regardless of how they are living.

You are among friends here and I hope you just make yourself comfortable and join in.

kate01

Wits end,

I agree with Ann that he has to WANT to get better before he will. It's sad, and incredibly hard to watch someone you care about engage in destructive behavior. It's hard not to keep jumping in and rescuing them. But so often, there's not much we can do other than let them know we care, and are here to help IF AND WHEN THEY WANT IT.

I hope that you regain some peace and don't remain at your wits end!

Hugs to you,
kate

witsend

Thank you both for your replies. I don't think it would be so difficult if I didn't have to live with him and actually watch him get drunk and start abusing everyone. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't the brunt of his abuse. He seems to think that everything that's wrong in his life is my fault and he makes that abundantly clear when he's drinking. His constant verbal barage is what drove me to to this board. I had to seek help somewhere because I really can't handle anymore of his abuse. But thank you, again, for offering your advice. It's truely appreciated.

kate01

Wits end,

You know, I'm fairly new here, too, but I know there are posts here on disengaging so that the "acting out" alcoholic cannot dump all of this on you. Like NOT reacting to him and defending yourself, just simply LEAVING the room/house when he starts up, and returning when his little tirade is over. Also, there are lots of boundaries you can set for behavior you can live with and communicate to him, so he'll soon realize that he will get nowhere with you by venting on and blaming you. It's a lot about exerting personal control over what you will and will not tolerate from him.

I don't know the extent of his behavior, but I hope it is not threatening towards you.

Hugs,
kate

JT

I am wondering why you have to live together.

Hugs,
JT

witsend

We live with and help take care of my mother, who will be going through breast surgery soon, and our younger brother, who is quadraplegic with Cerebal Palsy. Well, that's why I'm here anyway... he's here looking for a free ride.

journeygal

Hi Wits,

I was also wondering about the living situation...sounds like he's doing more harm than help...is it an option to establish a no-drinking boundary, and if he won't agree to get help, then tell him he must leave?

More hugs,
JG

hopper

Hi Wits,

Being an A myself and you being an A as well, do you thing that your brother may be envious of your sobriety and the anger he feels is actually towards himself and not you? I agree, he shouldn't be taking it out on anyone but given what is going on in your home right now, Mom's illness, your other brother handicap, your sobriety, his own shame and guilt at not being able to stay sober. This is a lot of pain for an A. Does he have a sponsor? Friends in the fellowship he can talk to about what he's feeling?

You sound like a very strong person and just keep reminding yourself that his anger is not about you, it about him.

witsend

I know his anger is misdirected. No- Drinking boundries aren't accepted by him. Mom refuses to send him away. I can't leave due to my own finacial problems at the moment. He does not have a sponser as he has completly turned his back on the program. I've given up on him. I can't deal with everything that's going on along with his problems. It's just a real pain in my ass when he decides to get drunk and take it out on me. I was lucky this last time. He didn't get physical. But it doesn't matter, now. I don't care. I can only take care of myself first. He knows what his problem is and he knows what to do to avoid it, but he refuses. He doesn't even try.