ChildlikeFaith

This may not make much sense, but I'm going to give it a try. I need to sort through things and need a safe place to do that, so here I am.

Lately, I've gotten so tired of talking about it all. It seems like I've gone from having my whole identity wrapped up in taking care of my alcoholic husband to my identity being wrapped up in dealing with him now being gone. I feel like it is still about him. It is just now about the absense of him rather than the presence of him. Does that make any sense?

Still, every day, people are asking me how I'm doing with him gone. It is nice that they care, but sometimes I want to just forget about it, quit talking about it, and just be me. I'm not that bad of a person alone, without him. I do have a personality aside from dealing with him. Even the Al-Anon meetings and counseling seem to be all about him. They are all about my mental state due to being with him and now without him.

Even the house seems to be about him. Now that I got his things out of the house, there are big, empty places that scream his name because they are now void his presence. I wish I had money to buy new stuff and fill those spots with me.

Did all of this make any sense? Does anyone else feel this way?

equus

I think good or bad when anything is such a big part of life it's natural to feel some grief in loss. Surely it will take time to re-orientate yourself and get new directions.

I've been going to Life Coaching, partly to address work issues I've let drag on far too long and partly to re-centre myself and my own direction after such a hard year last year. D is still with me but even so dealing with all the role changes as he got more and more well still needs adjustment, there's still future to build and I needed a little extra shove

Minx1969

Yes..CLF..it does make sense...

Stick with the Alanon and the therapy because you need it to make you whole...

Alot of the time our own sense of "self" (our true self or our authentic self) goes into hiding when we are in bad relationships...

so now it's time to rediscover your self and start doing things for you.

So..what do you like to do for fun? What makes you happy?

megamysterioso

((Childlikefaith))-- I'm sure you have a great personality all on your own!!! I think that what you are feeling is natural since you have been focusing all of your attention on your AH for so long now. If I were you, I would make it very known to my friends and family to please REFRAIN from asking you any questions about your AH and "how you are feeling." Just let them know that you have exhausted that subject to no end and have no need to discuss any of that with anyone at this time. They should gladly respect your wishes.

The empty spaces around that you see are new opportunities for you to decorate honey!! LOL. If you cannot really "shop," do what I do and peruse the thrift stores and garage sales. It's amazing what perfectly great stuff people get rid of!! Heck- I'm in the process of moving out now and have donated 3 boxes of perfectly usable and good items b/c I don't feel like toting it!

It all will pass sweetie, but give yourself plenty of time. Focus on yourself and get acquainted with that beautiful person that's been distracted with uncertainty and chaos for far too long. Look at all this as a voyage of self-discovery. All the best!

ChildlikeFaith

That's the odd thing. I have no clue. Whenever anyone asks me that, I always draw a blank. I love to read, and read three or four novels a week, but other than that, I couldn't tell you. The kids have their activities, but aside from those, I haven't a clue what I would like to do for fun.

LaTeeDa

When my husband left, one of the first things I did was rearrange the furniture. It really helped me feel like I was taking my life back.

L

Minx1969

well..this is a great place to start..

Do you like to dance? do you like to sing? do you like to write?

time to start exploring new things. I'm sure there are plenty of free lectures and activities you can start to explore.

What did you like to do as a child?

ChildlikeFaith

When I was a child, I was basically a nerd. I spent most of my time with my nose stuck in a book or working with our animals on our farm. I have a tremendous fear of people, so unless forced, I rarely leave the house. That was one thing I loved about AH, he forced me out of my comfort zone. We did things together, but none of the things we did are things I would choose as an activity to do on my own.

I guess the first course of action is to figure out what fun means to me.

Cynay

Mega's Idea was a good one, start Thrift/Garage sale shopping.... Rearrange things and start to make it yours.

What did you do before you were married? When you were a kid/teen what were your passions. If you cant find it in you, look at your friends and what their hobbies are ... would you like to do any of that?

As far as the family/friends are concerned... when they would ask how I was holding up I would just say "doing great" and then immediately talk about something in my life that was positive that was about me.... they soon got the hint and it also gave them something to ask me about other then my ex.

I find that when Im feeling that way I have to force myself to get outside and help other people, maybe sign up for a class, get involved in other peoples lives and amazing things happen....

cinderellawkids

I ahve a friend whose in her 70s. I very sweet and active lady. Had 5 kids with a alcoholic raging mean husband. She was submissive for her survival, and never walked away did the ebst she could and in the end took care of him. He was mean and abusive to her and the kids. He passed away almost 10 years ago now. She said the day he died she was walking outside to get the paper and a sense of relief came over her instead of grief. When people said things to her, sorry for his death or whatever, she always remembered thinking, well Im not. She did finally grieve, but she said it was different, like living int eh present, everything in slow motion. She'll tell you today that she loved him very much and still does but she wishes she left a long time before, at 70 she's fianlly living and having her own life.

I dont know if this helps but your post made me think of her

ChildlikeFaith

I actually don't have any friends, so I can't really look at them. I've been so wrapped up my husband and kids, that I just haven't had time for anything else. Before I married AH, I didn't really do anything other than play with the kids. Now, they are spending more time with their friends and hardly ever home, so I have all of this extra time. I always thought it would be liberating once they became more independent. Instead, it is lonely and kind of scary.

Maybe I just need to try some things and see what sticks. I guess I've never felt at such a loss before. I just feel like I don't know who I am.

Minx1969

How about your Alanon group? Any potential friends there?

Also - volunteering is wonderful. Maybe at a domestic violence shelter or a crisis center? If you like kids there are always children that need more love.

Volunteering is a great way to get out of your head and feel better and meet other nice people.

basically you just need to take control of your life, get out of the house and start joining an interest group.

Cynay

Well then make that your goal... Time for you to get out and socialize....

Ok... You like to read so how about a book club??? Do you like to Bowl? There are leages all over. What about cooking? There are some GREAT classes in that line... cake decorating etc.

Do you attend church??? they always have alot of fun activities that interact with others.

What about attending an Al-anon meeting or 6. I can tell you from my experience there are always activities going on there and the people there KNOW what your going through cuz they have been there.

Once you start getting out and making friends you will probably find alot of things that interest you and your friends will interduce you to many different hobbies.

ChildlikeFaith

Yes, I go to Al-Anon. There are about 4 other people that attend the same meeting I do. None are people I can see myself becoming friends with, but you never know. Someone new could start attending or I might possibly make a connection with one of the ladies already there. I wish there were more meetings in my area so I could have more variety in the meetings, but I'm just thankful, at this point, that there is one I can attend.

I hadn't thought about volunteer work. I may have to look into that and see what this area has to offer. Thanks.

Cynay

Ohhhh and if you enjoy kids and want to make a difference....

My daughter volunteer's for the Child Crisis Center.... Talk about some rewarding work. They really NEED people.

LaTeeDa

Maybe a part-time job?

denny57

Like Cynay, when people ask how I'm doing I say great and change the subject. Works almost every time.

By the way, you say you don't have friends - who are these people who are asking?

I spend a good deal of time in therapy still talking about my AH. I was worried about that too. But I see it is helping me understand myself more every time I go.

The Al-Anon meetings, I'm not so sure. The discussion really shouldn't be about the A. Have you been going long? Is it you who is referencing him? Do you have a sponsor yet? When I first attended meetings, I also only talked about what my AH had done to me. I soon learned to put the focus where it belonged - on me. If you're at the beginning, you'll get there. If you've been going for a while, you may need to talk it out with someone.

I also rearranged furniture, hung pictures, etc. Lots of good ideas above.

Regarding friends: I am blessed with a great circle of friends. I increased that by all the new friends I made in Al-Anon.

If you like to read, perhaps while the kids are in school you can volunteer to read at schools or the library. There are lots of ideas and each thing you do will bring you into contact with people, without the pressure of trying to "make friends."

Good luck. You will get through this.

harleygirl92156

That is the right attitude. Keep that in mind and set out, you will do just fine.

equus

List of stuff to try:

Horse riding
Volunteering
Pottery
Art
Juggling
creative writing
fostering a guide dog puppy
A new job?
A book club
Chess
Cycling

ChildlikeFaith

My mom, my dad, people at my Al-Anon meeting, and my AH's friends.



I've only been going to Al-Anon for about two and a half months. There are only five of us in the meeting, and it is pretty informal. They are usually the ones asking me what is going on with AH at the time and asking how I'm doing. Three of them are little old ladies that have been in Al-Anon since it started 50 something years ago, and their alcoholic husbands have been gone for years.

I don't have a sponsor yet, but I'd love one. I just haven't met anyone yet that fits.

I already have a full-time job, but it doesn't even pay enough to pay the bills, and I don't get child support, so funds are tight. Sadly, I work with only one other person who is hardly ever in the office, so I am alone most of the time. I'm just thankful I have a job.

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. You have no idea how much it means to me to have people to talk to that understand.