It's only after we've lost everything that were free to do anything
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It's only after we've lost everything that were free to do anything
My daughter is at her Dad's house and we were having a conversation via IM. During the conversation she told me a quote that she liked.
I asked her to explain to me what she thinks that quote means, what her interpration of it is.
You see, I don't like that quote. For one, I never really understood it and also, I have veiwed it as a negative.
Here is my 13 year old's interpretation of the quote:
Daughter: Do you think my perception is somewhat accurate?
or whatever you want to call it
ME: I think the way you described it is more of saying "you have to accept the truth in order to
let it stop hurting you so you can be free to move on
without the hurt"
Daughter: yes!
ME: And that makes sense to me.
doesn't mean that I can always do it - but
it makes sense
Daughter: lol how did you get that out of all my mind's
jumbled scrambleing of words?
I tried getting out of answering this one, but ended up telling her the following:
ME: Okay, so we've felt all this heart ache,
pain, lies, happiness, love, exct.
- AS I FELT WHEN DAD HURT ME WITH HIS DRINKING, PROMISES TO QUIT,
BEHAVIOR, ETC.
Then when all is through, and we know
these things and realize nothing is as important as it
seems, because we have lost it,
LOST THE DREAMS I ALWAYS HAD FOR THE LIFE THAT I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE TOGETHER
we realize that it is just something you
have to do. Have to live through.
IT KEEPS HAPPENING, I CANT CHANGE IT, I CAN ONLY ACCEPT IT
Daughter: wow, so you really took my words into thought?
ME: Or once we have experienced so much, all
this heart ache, we think we know it all, we know all
this pain, so we live with it realizing it will just
keep happening.
LIKE YOU SAID HERE - IT WILL JUST KEEP HAPPENING
ME: Basically for this one, realizing it something will keep happening, so we live with it, or of course change it.
THEREFORE, I HAVE A CHOICE. I CAN KEEP HOPING AND TRYING TO MAKE IT CHANGE AND BE REPEATING THE PAIN ------ OR I CAN ACCEPT THAT ITS THE
SAME AND THAT I CAN'T CHANGE HIM.
While this may not have been the correct thing to do, I have found recently that my daughter and I have not been connecting as much as I'd like too. I wanted her to know that I do indeed understand what she meant. Trying to find that connection with her. As is, when I don't answer her questions, she becomes distant with me.
So this post is not about asking you all to gripe at me for having shared too much with my daughter - this post was because I was really impressed with her interpration of the saying - and I learned a new way of seeing that quote. I thought it was perfect for me (the codependant) and the lessons that I'm learning concerning AH.
Just thought I'd share.
It's only after we've lost everything that were free to do anything.
You see, I don't like that quote. For one, I never really understood it and also, I have veiwed it as a negative.
Here is my 13 year old's interpretation of the quote:
Okay, so we've felt all this heart ache, pain, lies, happiness, love, ext. Then when all is through, and we know these things and realize nothing is as
important as it seems, because we have lost it, we
realize that it is just something you have to do. Have
to live through. So then as we realize, or die, lol.
We can do anything, because we know the truth. Or once
we have experienced so much, all this heart ache, we
think we know it all, we know all this pain, so we
live with it realizing it will just keep happening.
Basically for this one, realizing it something will
keep happeing, so we live with it, or of course change
it.
important as it seems, because we have lost it, we
realize that it is just something you have to do. Have
to live through. So then as we realize, or die, lol.
We can do anything, because we know the truth. Or once
we have experienced so much, all this heart ache, we
think we know it all, we know all this pain, so we
live with it realizing it will just keep happening.
Basically for this one, realizing it something will
keep happeing, so we live with it, or of course change
it.
or whatever you want to call it
ME: I think the way you described it is more of saying "you have to accept the truth in order to
let it stop hurting you so you can be free to move on
without the hurt"
Daughter: yes!
ME: And that makes sense to me.
doesn't mean that I can always do it - but
it makes sense
Daughter: lol how did you get that out of all my mind's
jumbled scrambleing of words?
I tried getting out of answering this one, but ended up telling her the following:
ME: Okay, so we've felt all this heart ache,
pain, lies, happiness, love, exct.
- AS I FELT WHEN DAD HURT ME WITH HIS DRINKING, PROMISES TO QUIT,
BEHAVIOR, ETC.
Then when all is through, and we know
these things and realize nothing is as important as it
seems, because we have lost it,
LOST THE DREAMS I ALWAYS HAD FOR THE LIFE THAT I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE TOGETHER
we realize that it is just something you
have to do. Have to live through.
IT KEEPS HAPPENING, I CANT CHANGE IT, I CAN ONLY ACCEPT IT
Daughter: wow, so you really took my words into thought?
ME: Or once we have experienced so much, all
this heart ache, we think we know it all, we know all
this pain, so we live with it realizing it will just
keep happening.
LIKE YOU SAID HERE - IT WILL JUST KEEP HAPPENING
ME: Basically for this one, realizing it something will keep happening, so we live with it, or of course change it.
THEREFORE, I HAVE A CHOICE. I CAN KEEP HOPING AND TRYING TO MAKE IT CHANGE AND BE REPEATING THE PAIN ------ OR I CAN ACCEPT THAT ITS THE
SAME AND THAT I CAN'T CHANGE HIM.
While this may not have been the correct thing to do, I have found recently that my daughter and I have not been connecting as much as I'd like too. I wanted her to know that I do indeed understand what she meant. Trying to find that connection with her. As is, when I don't answer her questions, she becomes distant with me.
So this post is not about asking you all to gripe at me for having shared too much with my daughter - this post was because I was really impressed with her interpration of the saying - and I learned a new way of seeing that quote. I thought it was perfect for me (the codependant) and the lessons that I'm learning concerning AH.
Just thought I'd share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
And trying to make amends to my daughter.
For while some of us don't want to admit that our behavior and the life with an A affects them - it does.
ME: You know what - I love you and (insert brother's name). And if I could go back in time and do things
differently, I would. But I can't and believe me, I
regret that. You all deserved a much better life
than I was able to give you. I know that I was sad
alot and was angry alot. It was not at you - even
though it probably seemed that way alot of times. I
just wasn't happy.
I have been trying to do better. And I
can only tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope that
things will get better.
I"m sorry for hurting all of you
Daughter: stop saying that!
ME: No, it's true and I wanted you to know how
I felt.
that is why I try to take you to festivals
and go play pool and do fun stuff with you.
even if I do suck at some of that stuff.
well, maybe I have told you before, I
forgot that I did.
sorry for repeating myself. I just wanted
you to know
For while some of us don't want to admit that our behavior and the life with an A affects them - it does.
ME: You know what - I love you and (insert brother's name). And if I could go back in time and do things
differently, I would. But I can't and believe me, I
regret that. You all deserved a much better life
than I was able to give you. I know that I was sad
alot and was angry alot. It was not at you - even
though it probably seemed that way alot of times. I
just wasn't happy.
I have been trying to do better. And I
can only tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope that
things will get better.
I"m sorry for hurting all of you
Daughter: stop saying that!
ME: No, it's true and I wanted you to know how
I felt.
that is why I try to take you to festivals
and go play pool and do fun stuff with you.
even if I do suck at some of that stuff.
well, maybe I have told you before, I
forgot that I did.
sorry for repeating myself. I just wanted
you to know
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Luke 9:24
24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it (NIV)
Smart child you have there.
24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it (NIV)
Smart child you have there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by toad
Surrender to win........
Give it away to keep it...........
Become empty to get full........
Victorious defeat..........
When I am weak, He is strong
Originally Posted by toad
Surrender to win........
Give it away to keep it...........
Become empty to get full........
Victorious defeat..........
When I am weak, He is strong
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Iowa
Posts: 27
((((SS))))
You must be so proud of your daughter! Some of us take YEARS AND YEARS to get to where she is! I for one am very impressed with such a insightful 13 year old. Way to go MOM! I think you did great in talking with her and great in raising her! I am sure she really appreciates how you listened to her words and understood them! I am sure you will have more discussions to follow! Again, aplause to you and your daughter!
You must be so proud of your daughter! Some of us take YEARS AND YEARS to get to where she is! I for one am very impressed with such a insightful 13 year old. Way to go MOM! I think you did great in talking with her and great in raising her! I am sure she really appreciates how you listened to her words and understood them! I am sure you will have more discussions to follow! Again, aplause to you and your daughter!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
We have been having some issues with our oldest son.
My youngest son is currently not talking or seeing his father.
And my daughter goes through depressed phases.
I am learning through action that the better that I seem - the better they seem to be getting too. But I admit that I think this is beyond my own capabilities and I am seeking counseling for all of my children - even maybe myself or family counseling for all of us.
While Ah does not believe in counseling, he has said that he won't fight me on it when I explained to him what I just said to you all.
Regardless of the denial and the blindness we live with - kids are affected.
I'm doing the best I can do.
My youngest son is currently not talking or seeing his father.
And my daughter goes through depressed phases.
I am learning through action that the better that I seem - the better they seem to be getting too. But I admit that I think this is beyond my own capabilities and I am seeking counseling for all of my children - even maybe myself or family counseling for all of us.
While Ah does not believe in counseling, he has said that he won't fight me on it when I explained to him what I just said to you all.
Regardless of the denial and the blindness we live with - kids are affected.
I'm doing the best I can do.
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
My girls had a very hard time after I left their dad. It was very difficult for them and our relationship was strained.
I still kept on seeing them and as bad as I felt at the time (I could barely get thru 1-day at a time, actually 1-hour at a time) I would go see them and hold my head up and act like I was doing just fine and was happy. I would never let them see me down and depressed. I was down and depressed all their life practically from living with an AH.
That is what helped them adjust and learn that it was not the end of the world and me leaving was for the best. They would soon become happy again just by seeing me happy.
It was the hardest time in my life but I would not let them see me as the mess that I really was at the time. Now everything has worked out and I have my wonderful relationship back with them again.
I still kept on seeing them and as bad as I felt at the time (I could barely get thru 1-day at a time, actually 1-hour at a time) I would go see them and hold my head up and act like I was doing just fine and was happy. I would never let them see me down and depressed. I was down and depressed all their life practically from living with an AH.
That is what helped them adjust and learn that it was not the end of the world and me leaving was for the best. They would soon become happy again just by seeing me happy.
It was the hardest time in my life but I would not let them see me as the mess that I really was at the time. Now everything has worked out and I have my wonderful relationship back with them again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I think her way of looking at it's great!! I think you should be very proud. It sounds as though she grasping the lack of permenance of the ings we sometimes foolishly take for granted. And yes, I believe we often find that having little is the best way of knowing what things are never lost.
It makes me think of love like a skylarks song. I know people say love is painful but even when I couldn't understand I knew it wasn't - that love is good not painful. Because I felt pain, because it seemed to come from love but I didn't think it really could - I thought about it more.
Then I read a book talking about the difference between true compassion and attachment, that it's the attachment which causes pain, it's the fear of loosing what we are attached to. I thought of possesions I 'love' but it isn't love, take them away and it's not grief I feel, yet I can be attached - I can fear losing them. I remembered a time when I had no house and rented rooms - even furnished rooms!! I had no house to loose and never worried for a moment about a mortgage.
But people are different, unlike a TV aren't we 'supposed' to be attached? I still didn't understand, love still seemed to hurt - could I love without being attached? Could I see all the beauty, could I comprehend the rarity and honour without wanting to keep for me? I thought of things I know I can't keep and remembered when I used to bring in the hay and straw every summer.
In a day of hard labour there would be small gaps when trailers were changed, or the baler broke. Baling is always done on the driest sunny days so when there was a gap we would lay on our backs facing the sky to truly rest. I remember often seeing skylarks implausibley high in the sky, but I could hear them so completely - this BEAUTIFUL song. They sing for so long, it was like being drenched in the most heavenly sound, a feeling of so much value, beauty and worth - ABSOLUTE pleasure. But the skylark isn't mine, because I knew that and never confused myself over a bird my pleasure wasn't tainted in the least by fear of loss.
So now when I feel the fear creep in that I could lose D I remind myself - love like the skylark, he isn't mine.
It makes me think of love like a skylarks song. I know people say love is painful but even when I couldn't understand I knew it wasn't - that love is good not painful. Because I felt pain, because it seemed to come from love but I didn't think it really could - I thought about it more.
Then I read a book talking about the difference between true compassion and attachment, that it's the attachment which causes pain, it's the fear of loosing what we are attached to. I thought of possesions I 'love' but it isn't love, take them away and it's not grief I feel, yet I can be attached - I can fear losing them. I remembered a time when I had no house and rented rooms - even furnished rooms!! I had no house to loose and never worried for a moment about a mortgage.
But people are different, unlike a TV aren't we 'supposed' to be attached? I still didn't understand, love still seemed to hurt - could I love without being attached? Could I see all the beauty, could I comprehend the rarity and honour without wanting to keep for me? I thought of things I know I can't keep and remembered when I used to bring in the hay and straw every summer.
In a day of hard labour there would be small gaps when trailers were changed, or the baler broke. Baling is always done on the driest sunny days so when there was a gap we would lay on our backs facing the sky to truly rest. I remember often seeing skylarks implausibley high in the sky, but I could hear them so completely - this BEAUTIFUL song. They sing for so long, it was like being drenched in the most heavenly sound, a feeling of so much value, beauty and worth - ABSOLUTE pleasure. But the skylark isn't mine, because I knew that and never confused myself over a bird my pleasure wasn't tainted in the least by fear of loss.
So now when I feel the fear creep in that I could lose D I remind myself - love like the skylark, he isn't mine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Liberty, Missouri
Posts: 4
Your daughter definatly has your qualities. I have suffered with depression off and on through out my life. It used to be something I didnt want any one to know, I have come to the conclusion that you can only be as high (happy) as you have been low (sad) Its sort of a ying/yang thing to me.
not sure if that made sense...you cant visit one end of the spectrum without visiting the other.........(dont know if that one did any better!
lol)
"Some of us take YEARS AND YEARS to get to where she is!"
What i am trying to say is that your daughter seems wise beyond her years...
not sure if that made sense...you cant visit one end of the spectrum without visiting the other.........(dont know if that one did any better!
lol)"Some of us take YEARS AND YEARS to get to where she is!"
What i am trying to say is that your daughter seems wise beyond her years...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Having a 13yo daughter myself, I don't think you shared too much. Mine is very deep, also. I think we are closest when I listen to her point of view and let her share her deep thoughts with me. She is very insightful and gives me a new perspective, much like yours does for you.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
I also have a thirteen year old, and find that she has as strong feelings and opinions as I do about my husbands drinking. She is very deep, very compassionate and very intelligent and I have had similar conversations with her. It affects their life in every way. They have a right to know honestly, without venting to them what is going on. My daughter is now waiting for me, I see, to see that things are not going to change. It was just the two of us for the first 7 years of her life. She loves her dad, he adopted her, but she misses the happy me, as she put it and sees the source of my unhappiness. Sometimes I think we over analyze and see things bigger than they really are. Sometimes you just have to call it what it is......especially with our children.
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