amyrosebud

I just went to my first AA meeting yesterday with my AH. Ive been to Al-anon meetings and they differ only in that the "normie" is not allowed to share usually, only the AH's. They go through the 12 steps, the preamble and this meeting focused on step 5, which they read the chapter out loud and opened the meeting up to discussion about that step. It was a very eye-opening experience for me to hear from people just like my AH. They were not at all reluctant to share, even with me there, and even invited me back (just make sure its an open meeting). This allowed me a view of what life and the struggle was like. It was a small intimate group of 7 people and at the end one of the women told me she wished I was an AH because its a life-style in AA. Al-anon focuses more on us as individuals and our own recovery and tries not to focus on the AH but it uses the same 12 step program. I hope this helps.... I'm going to another meeting tonight with my AH that is a combined AA/Al-anon meeting with a speaker.

Amy

Cynay

I strongly suggest that you go to an AA meeting. It was VERY good for me when I was struggling to figure it all out. They will not make you talk, maybe say your name if its not a speaker meeting. I learned alot about how they think/feel etc... which for me was good cuz I was SO angry and I also thought AA/Al-anon was a crock.

Going to AA gave me back my compassion

ASpouse

HG, you are being far too defensive, as usual. I'm not arguing your need for for the ultimate truth, it's what you need to do for you. CLF asked for some helpful opinions. You gave yours, I read it, I respect it. I gave mine. I'm not saying yours is wrong and I'm not saying mine is right. They are "opposing" opinions, which has been established here more times than not.

You are obsessed with the "truth", I am obsessed "with letting go". The truth does not always set you free, sometimes it hurts right down to the core of someones being. I do however think being truthful and honest is the right way to be, but that is for me. I cannot dictate to others how to be truthful and honest all I can do is lead by example.

LaTeeDa

My experience has been that the truth usually comes out sooner or later, whether you obsess about it or not. It's a question of how you want to spend your time.

L

ASpouse

That is a very good observation L .... and one I would have to agree with!

pmaslan

I find the whole thing exhausting....

Melissa let me ask you...would you tolerate this from a friend or
another family member? If we have doubt there is usually some
reason to back it up. I agree with others here, obsessing over
something that isn't any of our concern is a waste of time.
Your H knows the drill...get sober, find recover or hit the highway...
it all comes out in the wash......

ASpouse

God Patty ..... I love you! (((())))'s

harleygirl92156

You know, I was reading this and realized we are talking about two different things. I am not talking about obsession (like I had in the past). I am referring to making informed decisions. We do have that right don't we.

I don't mean the checking up like we did in our co-dependent, enabling days, following them around watching their every move, rescuing them, forcing issues, etc. I am just talking about knowing facts that would allow you to make an informed decision about the relationship, if you want to continue to work on it or if it is time to let it go.

Working on yourself and keeping your own side of the street clean is all well and good and it works, but in a marriage there has to be some accountablity to each other as well. Marriage is not two people living completely seperate lives, those people lives mesh. We can say we don't worry about them, don't think about them, don't wonder if they are trustworthy, but there are times we do and maybe times we should. That is marriage, isn't it. Caring, loving and wanting the best for the other person, wishing them health and happiness, praying for them.

If you feel uncomfortable with a situation, I see no reason not to check things out, RATHER THAN OBSESS about it. If you gut tells you something, follow your gut, it's usually right. I see no good coming from sticking your head in the sand, ACTING like you believe their lies and letting them think they are getting away with it. I don't say obsess over it, definately not, just do what you need to do in order to make the decision that is right and best for you.

I know ASpouse and others don't agree, saying I am defensive, but I am not really. I just have a different take on it. That works for me. I follow my gut and if it says something stinks, I look for what is causing the smell.

Cynay

That is the beauty of SR

When you ask a question you get many different opinions that help you work through it.

No reason to debate the opinions.

ASpouse

If approaching your life, marriage and relationships in this way works for you than that is great. For me, it wouldn't work.

pmaslan

HG are we still talking about Childlike here...or are you talking about you?
Her H knows what is expected of him to have a life with Melissa.
If he is doing all that he says it will show in ACTIONS...who cares
if he is modifying it...he is out of the house and for all practical purposes
he is on his own....so is Melissa...he serves no purpose in a typical (ha
whatever that is) married, family life at this time. If he wants those
things he has to work for them.....bottom line actions speak louder
than words....

ChildlikeFaith

Patty, the funny thing is, I've lived with this type of behaviour my whole life. I've been surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts my whole life so the lies are what I know. I guess it isn't a matter of "would" I tolerate it but "should" I tolerate it?

At this point, I don't know if he's lying or not, but it really shouldn't matter. As you said, he's out of the house and knows what it takes to get back home. The ball is in his court. If he's lying, then the truth will eventually come out. If he isn't, then I haven't jeopardized anything by snooping. Trust goes both ways. I'm not being very trustworthy myself, if I'm snooping around behind his back.

pmaslan

No one should tolerate it...bottom line.
I understand that you grew up with lies and people
that had addictions. You are grown now and
obviously realize it isn't acceptable because you
are questioning it....
Your first step is what you are doing...let it go...
No need to snoop, or place yourself at the same level
as someone else you suspect lying.
In time it will all be revealed. Keep working on you.
If he doesn't "get it" you will be a happier, healthier person
in the big picture...if he does "get it" bonus

ChildlikeFaith

After having a night to think about things and reading all of your posts, I think I need to just talk to him about it. He's gone to about 20 meetings in the last 10 days, and we're talking a bit. He seems to be in a pretty good frame of mind lately. Maybe I'll just tell him, face to face, that I'm having a hard time with this whole thing. I will be able to tell by his response exactly what is going on.

When he is in a good place, I can usually talk to him about what bothers me and inconsistencies in his stories, and he'll be receptive. If I can put it in a non-threatening manner, he won't get too upset if he is really telling the truth. At least this way, I'm being straightforward rather than snooping.

I don't know if I'll actually do this, but it really seems like the best course of action.

pmaslan

Good luck with that.......

Morning Glory

If you are with someone who doesn't tell the truth there will always be more truth to find. Shouldn't the informed decision be based on the fact that the person is untruthful? Do I want to be with someone who doesn't tell the truth? Do I want to be with someone that I can't trust?

I used to blame myself for my behavior with a person who I couldn't trust. Then I realized that the person was not trustworthy. My only choice at that point was to question why I was with a person that lied to me, cheated on me, and kept me where they wanted me by being deceitful.

Finding the truth is avoiding the truth.

ASpouse

because I don't quite get this, although it sounds like it makes sense!

denny57

I like it too! Do you mean finding as in searching?

Morning Glory

The truth in my situation is that the person lied to me and I couldn't trust him. I was always trying to find out the truth behind the lies. The truth that I should have been looking at was that he always lied to me. I was avoiding taking responsibility for my life by side stepping that issue and avoiding it by always trying to find out what he was lying about. Then I placed all the blame on myself for being a jealous person or constantly questioning his actions and words. My focus then turned to fixing myself so I could be a trusting person. You can't trust a person who is not trustworthy. It was a vicious circle.

ASpouse

Bingo! Thank you for explaining.

Exactly right!

....... and on and on it goes, until someone chooses to get off the wheel and stop spinning.

Thank you MG for clarifying. It has helped me tremendously today, not because I have this particular issue, but because it served as a great reminder of where I never want to go again in my life and all the hard work I did to get where I am today.