Ravenhawk

I've been dating someone for the last three months. She told me at the beginning that she was an alcoholic. She's been to a few recovery places, one lasting three months. I didn't know her at the time of this. I'm ok with the fact she is a recovering alcoholic and doing well. So I was led to believe. I'm not much of a drinker but I did do my share of drinking while in high school and college but always knew when to stop. She would drink when she came over to my apartment and I didn't think anything of her drinking. Then during one week she had come over to stay the night. She had been drinking, hiding it from me very well, and I knew it but thought she'd stop the next day. Not going to work the next day and drinking for two days I didn't really know what to do. So I called her sister, which came over and took her to a local hospital. Which she'd been to before and knew the routine. I went to see her every day but one while she was there.(five days) I didn't know where our relationship was going to go after this and told her that it was best the we be just friends for now. But I come to realize afterwards that wasn't what I wanted. Not after being involved as much as we were. I told her how I feel about her and wanted to stay more than just friends. She now tells me that she can't give me more than just friends till she gets better with her soberity then she can focus on a relationship. I told her that if we are to just be friends then that to me means we talk from time to time but not every day three to four times a day. We can't take naps in the same bed nor can there be any kissing or affectionate hugs. Let along sexual relations. But this is NOT what I want from the relationship. I'm finding it hard to back off this much. Also told her that if we are just going to be friends, I think that means we can date other people. She said that since I was asking that I must have someone in mind. I REALLY DON"T and I told her this. And she told me that she doesn't expect me to put my life on hold for her while she gets better. She's moved into a Oxford house and has to go to AA meetings at least five times a week. I have been to a few with her and have gotten a lot out of them for my own well being. I don't ask her about them nor do ask to go with her. I think that if she wants me to go she'll ask. I'm not sure as what to do! I really care a great deal for her but I'm not willing to put my life on hold. But I'm also not going out and trying to find someone new. What should I do?

dollydo

Give it time, what's the hurry? Let her find her way..if she is serious about quitting, she will. Remember, this is her problem, not yours, you cannot solve it for her.

Let it flow, don't push it.

Dolly

lovemypup

She is being honest with you and telling you the truth. She is not ready for a relationship right now. Leave her alone while she gets better. She needs to do this on her own.

Zoey

Raven, Welcome to SR, lots of information here.

If you were a young female I would tell you to run. Some cannot get well.

The sponsers lots of times suggest, no relationships for a year. If married, don't leave for a year.

Withdrawal is torture, so it is best to not be around anyone that could cause emotions, also we don't know who we were or who we are for months.
Always some exceptions.

Try more open meetings at a different location. Try to catch a step night.
The 4th and 5th steps help the most, but some never do those, as everything is suggested only.

No one can make them drink, but I believe that new to sobriety they are fragil and can trip over nothing. It has been a while since they lived in the real world.

Read everything you can on these threads and you will see the heartbreak and chaos.

This is just my thoughts, take what you can use and leave the rest.
I am both AA and Al-Anon, that doesn't mean my thoughts are written in stone.

megamysterioso

She sounds like a smart woman to me Raven. Welcome to SR BTW. I would really listen to what she is saying to you and back off. If it is meant to be, it will come in time. I think her own sobriety should be her top priority. In fact, it MUST be if she is going to have a functional relationship in the future with anyone. As for going to her meetings with her, those are very personal meetings for the A and you should not even consider asking her to tag along IMO. She is doing what she needs to do for herself. Life with an active alcoholic is no picnic, so she is really doing you a favor. If you desire a serious relationship, there are plenty of other women out there that might be looking for the same thing.

CatsTail

The best chance you have of a relationship happening is to back off and let her work on getting sober.

It doesn't mean putting your life on hold just give her the space and time she needs.

Ngaire

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

Take her seriously .. she is being honest with you.

My exabf and I actually broke up after he choose to get sober. It was my experience that I did not even know who he was ... and to be honest I dont think he knew who he was either. There is a HUGE emotional roller coaster ride in the begining of their sobriety.

If she told you not to keep your life on hold and that she cant give you more then friendship then I dont see that there is alot of decision making... unless your choosing if you want to remain friends. Think about what your comfortable with in a friendship and set your boundries ( no naps, all the calls etc...) then stick with them. If it were me I would give her a year before even considering a relationship... It is not an easy life being with an Alcoholic. Im sure some open AA meetings and Al-anon meetings would help educate you on the disease... stick around, we look forward to getting to know you.

Janitw

Welcome Ravenhawk - I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years and the one thing I can say to you is this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. SHE and she alone has to do it. Let her do it while she is willing to try. Alot of alcoholics never recover and put the families that love them through terrible chaos and crisis 24 - 7. And alot of them refuse to accept that they even have a problem. So I guess what I'm telling you is read and re-read past posts here and learn from all of us. The easy thing for you to do is run and run fast...but something tells me that you are already reeled in, other wise you wouldn't be here. Try to stand back and watch her for a little while and think hard as to whether or not you really want to have a long term relationship with her okay.

Janet

Ravenhawk

Thank you all!! I called her yesterday evening before going to work out. I didn't get in touch with at that time. She called me a little after nine last night after she had gotten out of her meeting. I hadn't heard the phone and called back just a little while after her calling me. She told me she'd recieved her one month chip last night. But she seemed to be in a bla mood. Didn't want to go to the gym nor did she go because she just wasn't in the mood. I'm glad that mood did keep her from going to her meeting. But anyway, we spoke on the phone few about an hour. Just talking about general things about the day and things coming up in the movies. It was really a good conversation. I'm taking the advice the back off and let her work on her. Although it's really hard!!!