I Need Some Insight Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Waseca, Mn
Posts: 3
I Need Some Insight Please
My name is Lynn. I never thought I would be here. I am not a drinker, never have been but I worked in a bar for 10 years and watched what alcohol can do to people and families. Now I find myself here and don't know what to do. I have an only child who is 19. Her dad and I found her "my space" account and on it she had written that she was "drunk for a week" during graduation last year. Other entries on it said to friends "meet me there and sneak some booze in." I am horrified. I called her and she assured me she only drank one beer a month. I'm not buying it for a second. I called a treatment center and asked what I could do and they said being she is underage in this state, that I should get her into the court system. My husband thinks now that we've had this little talk with her about her drinking, it will all go away, its done, over and forgotten about. Its like its to unpleasent so we just won't talk about it. This house has been a battle ground for three weeks now. She was home yesterday for Fathers Day and she tiptoed around me. I think it only makes her look guilty, the way she is acting. She has no job, goes to college full time. Do you think I am over reacting? I would love to hear from anyone who has been in my shoes. I feel so lost, so let down, like I have lost all faith in her and what she says. Any insight out there? Thanks so much.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Remember way back when you were 19 and you had a tendency to over-exagerate some behaviors or tell white lies in an effort to look "cool" (I'm giving away my age by using that word) to your peers?
Your daughter might be doing the same thing. If there's one thing I've learned on this forum it's to judge a person's actions, and not what they say. Have you personally observed repeated drunken behavior on the part of your daughter? Or does she appear to be sober in your presence?
If she's become a problem drinker or a full-fledged alcoholic, then she would be dependent on alcohol and drinking every day, and her actions would reflect that.
What led you to view her posts on her MySpace account? That is a serious breach of trust. You can't expect your daughter to come clean about how much or even if she's drinking if she can't trust you.
Just like her actions speak volumes about her drinking habits, your actions speak volumes to your daughter, as well. If you want her to be open and honest with you, you have to be open and honest with her. If you want her to trust you and your judgement, you have to earn her trust. Breaking into her MySpace account won't accomplish that.
Your daughter might be doing the same thing. If there's one thing I've learned on this forum it's to judge a person's actions, and not what they say. Have you personally observed repeated drunken behavior on the part of your daughter? Or does she appear to be sober in your presence?
If she's become a problem drinker or a full-fledged alcoholic, then she would be dependent on alcohol and drinking every day, and her actions would reflect that.
What led you to view her posts on her MySpace account? That is a serious breach of trust. You can't expect your daughter to come clean about how much or even if she's drinking if she can't trust you.
Just like her actions speak volumes about her drinking habits, your actions speak volumes to your daughter, as well. If you want her to be open and honest with you, you have to be open and honest with her. If you want her to trust you and your judgement, you have to earn her trust. Breaking into her MySpace account won't accomplish that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Lynn,
I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and living with a man in recovery. I have two daughters, but they are not yet your daughters age.
First I will say this: your daughter is fortunate to have parents who love her as you and your husband undoubtedly do.
Now this: I really feel that you violated her privacy by reading what she had posted on myspace. I just don't think that you're going to get her to confide in you if you're trying to find things out the hard way.
I'm not in any way judging you. All I know is that when I was 19 and I wanted to drink and party, that's what I did, and if my parents tried to inhibit my freedoms, I just got sneakier. Trust me, we did not grow closer because of this, and we still struggle today (although we are making progress).
Love your daughter, and express your concern. Then let it be. JMHO.
Good to see you here.
Rowan
I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and living with a man in recovery. I have two daughters, but they are not yet your daughters age.
First I will say this: your daughter is fortunate to have parents who love her as you and your husband undoubtedly do.
Now this: I really feel that you violated her privacy by reading what she had posted on myspace. I just don't think that you're going to get her to confide in you if you're trying to find things out the hard way.
I'm not in any way judging you. All I know is that when I was 19 and I wanted to drink and party, that's what I did, and if my parents tried to inhibit my freedoms, I just got sneakier. Trust me, we did not grow closer because of this, and we still struggle today (although we are making progress).
Love your daughter, and express your concern. Then let it be. JMHO.
Good to see you here.
Rowan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Waseca, Mn
Posts: 3
Thanks to both of you for writting. I never even knew she had a My Space account. A friend that I used to work with come up to me and said "you must be so proud of your daughter, it looks like that art school is really paying off for you. I stood there with this blank look on my face not having a clue what he was talking about. He told me I better go check it out. Its all there. I didn't break into her account. She has it all posted there for the whole world to see. No, I am not the type to check up on her, go through her room, read her diary, any of that stuff. I never even knew there was a my space. But when someone meets me on the street and tells me its in my best interest to see whats on there, you bet I'm going to check it out.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
So, what does her behavior say to you? Have you seen any evidence that she may have a drinking problem? Drunkeness, difficulty walking and talking, forgetfullness, hiding alcohol in your house?
That's what I'd look for. If her drinking has become a problem, she'll likely lie about it. So in order to get to the truth, you'll need to ignore her words and observe her behavior.
That's what I'd look for. If her drinking has become a problem, she'll likely lie about it. So in order to get to the truth, you'll need to ignore her words and observe her behavior.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Martinsburg, WV
Posts: 24
This is a difficult situation to assess, truly.
There are quite a few people that go off to college and party quite a bit. There are even more people that tend to exaggerate their experiences to make themselves seem cooler than they are (and, no, FD, you weren't showing your age until you pointed out that you though you were showing your age, as "cool" is still a universally used word). Only a handful of those people end up with dependency problems down the road. Most of the others pick themselves up after college, and go out to start living productive lives.
I would say for you to keep an eye on her behaviour. If her grades start to slip, or she begins to exhibit drunkenness around you, then you have something to worry about. If she appears to just be drinking socially, it could very well be that she's just living the college life, as many of us did (except for me - I was too busy getting involved in all of the real extra-curricular activities).
It's a fine line, really. Binge drinking on occasion, while not healthy, is not a definite sign of alcoholism.
There are quite a few people that go off to college and party quite a bit. There are even more people that tend to exaggerate their experiences to make themselves seem cooler than they are (and, no, FD, you weren't showing your age until you pointed out that you though you were showing your age, as "cool" is still a universally used word). Only a handful of those people end up with dependency problems down the road. Most of the others pick themselves up after college, and go out to start living productive lives.
I would say for you to keep an eye on her behaviour. If her grades start to slip, or she begins to exhibit drunkenness around you, then you have something to worry about. If she appears to just be drinking socially, it could very well be that she's just living the college life, as many of us did (except for me - I was too busy getting involved in all of the real extra-curricular activities).
It's a fine line, really. Binge drinking on occasion, while not healthy, is not a definite sign of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Lynn,
I have 3 children who are now 18, 21 and 24. All still live at home for now (the middle one is moving out at the end of the summer, and the eldest probably soon after).
As they became teens, I took what some might call a liberal approach to using alcohol and marijuana. I knew it was going to come up. I knew they would experiment. And I never wanted it to become a power struggle that would drive them away, or drive them to rebel with more use -- but at the same time I was very clear with them about what would represent a problem to me. And that if I saw evidence of that (as FD says, it's the actions), I would come down hard. And I did permit them to 'use' here at the house. My feeling was I'd much rather it be here than feeling the need to go elsewhere and be secretive, which I thought could result in more rebellious usage.
I can safely say that all of them today drink or smoke occasionally -- and responsibly. Sometimes they even have a night of partying where their consumption is pretty high -- like cgdc says, college life often has its share of binging. But I know it's the exception. The two oldest ones (both boys) each went through a period where they partook more than they do now -- when it was a bit newer and they were testing and stretching themselves. But they have definitely come out of it.
Sometimes it bothers me when there's alcohol in the house because I drink very seldom and my partner is 20 years alcohol and drug free. But that's just my own relationship towards it these days. I realize I can't control their choices, and can only steer them towards healthy ones in a world which is so dominated by the presence of alcohol in social settings.
The truth is I feel really good about where my children are at at this point with their relationship to alcohol and marijuana -- and all are very much against any other stronger drugs. I don't know what would have happened if I had come down really hard and punitively.
FD had another good point -- how your daughter talks about her usage, and what actually is true, may be different (the cool factor).
Don't know if any of this helps.
best
gf
I have 3 children who are now 18, 21 and 24. All still live at home for now (the middle one is moving out at the end of the summer, and the eldest probably soon after).
As they became teens, I took what some might call a liberal approach to using alcohol and marijuana. I knew it was going to come up. I knew they would experiment. And I never wanted it to become a power struggle that would drive them away, or drive them to rebel with more use -- but at the same time I was very clear with them about what would represent a problem to me. And that if I saw evidence of that (as FD says, it's the actions), I would come down hard. And I did permit them to 'use' here at the house. My feeling was I'd much rather it be here than feeling the need to go elsewhere and be secretive, which I thought could result in more rebellious usage.
I can safely say that all of them today drink or smoke occasionally -- and responsibly. Sometimes they even have a night of partying where their consumption is pretty high -- like cgdc says, college life often has its share of binging. But I know it's the exception. The two oldest ones (both boys) each went through a period where they partook more than they do now -- when it was a bit newer and they were testing and stretching themselves. But they have definitely come out of it.
Sometimes it bothers me when there's alcohol in the house because I drink very seldom and my partner is 20 years alcohol and drug free. But that's just my own relationship towards it these days. I realize I can't control their choices, and can only steer them towards healthy ones in a world which is so dominated by the presence of alcohol in social settings.
The truth is I feel really good about where my children are at at this point with their relationship to alcohol and marijuana -- and all are very much against any other stronger drugs. I don't know what would have happened if I had come down really hard and punitively.
FD had another good point -- how your daughter talks about her usage, and what actually is true, may be different (the cool factor).
Don't know if any of this helps.
best
gf
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by NYCGirl
I disagree here, reading a "myspace" is not invading anyone's privacy, if you do not want the world to know your business then don't post it on my space!
It would be completely different if it was a private, written diary that was read or private letters or e-mails.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I hate MySpace.com When my daughter is on it, I tell her to leave it up for me to read at different times. If I don't like what she writes or posts, she takes it off .... end of story.
I hate MySpace.com
I hate MySpace.com
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, LynnB
First, I agree, myspace is there for all to read, so if someone doesn't want something known about them, they should put it in a private journal
I also partied when I was your daughter's age. A book that has been very helpful to me in understanding alcoholism and problem drinking is "Under the Influence." I agree with the authors that if we can recognize alcoholism in its earliest stages there is a better chance of someone addressing their problem and getting well. I now understand my AH was probably addicted to alcohol from his twenties. He is now 45 and in the latter stages of the disease.
I applaud your concern about your daughter's drinking now. Though you cannot control her or her drinking, you can educate yourself. IMO the earlier the better.
Take care.
First, I agree, myspace is there for all to read, so if someone doesn't want something known about them, they should put it in a private journal
I also partied when I was your daughter's age. A book that has been very helpful to me in understanding alcoholism and problem drinking is "Under the Influence." I agree with the authors that if we can recognize alcoholism in its earliest stages there is a better chance of someone addressing their problem and getting well. I now understand my AH was probably addicted to alcohol from his twenties. He is now 45 and in the latter stages of the disease.
I applaud your concern about your daughter's drinking now. Though you cannot control her or her drinking, you can educate yourself. IMO the earlier the better.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Waseca, Mn
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, for writting and for your help. The school she goes to is 200 miles from here and there are no cars allowed there so everytime she comes home, its all planned out as she needs a ride so its hard to know what her behavior is like when she is only here once every two months or so. She has a boyfriend who lives in near her and I totally understand that she would rather spend time with him than coming home every weekend and sitting with mom and dad. I get that. I want her to have a life and to have fun its just that I am concerned about her drinking. Four years ago I worked at a drug and alcohol treatment center for kids, not one of those kids thought they had a drinking problem, not one of them thought they belonged there. Nobody wanted to admit they had a problem. I remember "family day" and it was heartbreaking to see the pain in those parents faces. I just don't want to end up being one of those parents. Thanks again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Just be honest with her. If there is history of alcoholism in your family,talk about it. I think is a lot to the genetic component of addiction. Also, are her grades good. You still control the money, no good grades, no tuition!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome LynnB.
Here's my story:
At 18 I had only had alcohol in excess once in my life. It was a horrid experience.
I come from a family of alcoholics going back (near as I can tell) as far as alcohol itself (at least 5 generations, starting with my parents).
I went off to college. College was horrifically stressful to me. I had unmeetable expectations placed upon me by my (both alcoholic) parents. I lived off of caffeine and nicotene during my sober hours.
Then, because all that stress has to go somewhere, I started binge drinking. At the age of 19, I qualified as an alcoholic, complete with cravings. I told myself it was okay as long as I didn't drink during the weekdays. But from Friday night through Sunday afternoon, I was pretty much toasted. I blacked out a couple of times (thankfully I had good friends who made sure I was okay).
One day, late in my freshman year, I woke up on a Thursday and something in my head said "I want a drink". By this time I could (and did) consume a fifth of Everclear per weekend by myself. I didn't know about recovery programs or anything like that. I did know that that little voice was the voice of danger, and that I did NOT want to go down the path that my parents chose.
At the end of that year I quit drinking. I was dry for the remainder of my college years, only to fall back into binge drinking when I got out of college. I suppose that episode lasted about 9 months or so. Then I moved into an apartment with no roommates, to make sure I didn't have any 'party friends'.
It helped that my stomach was so torn up by then that it physically hurt to drink alcohol. I was doing shots of vodka followed by shots of Maalox. Sounds yummy, doesn't it?
The point to this story is that nearly all college aged kids go through some form of drinking/experimentation. The vast majority of them get tired of barfing in bushes and horrific hangovers. The last time I drank to speak of was 11 years ago. I have absolutely no desire to drink at all anymore.
I explored that aspect of the world and found it to be less than the hype made it out to be.
Should you do anything further with your daughter? I can't answer that. I do wonder if some of your reaction comes from being a bartender and seeing just how bad things can get. Sort of the same reaction that often causes police officers to be overly protective of their children.
I agree with the people who ask if you've ever witnessed drunken behavior, or the after effects of it (daughter reeking of stale alcohol sweat or beer). If not, then she is most likely exploring her world and will pull out of it after the final hangover of all hangovers, when she swears she will never drink again, and then she actually doesn't (or does so with more caution).
Here's my story:
At 18 I had only had alcohol in excess once in my life. It was a horrid experience.
I come from a family of alcoholics going back (near as I can tell) as far as alcohol itself (at least 5 generations, starting with my parents).
I went off to college. College was horrifically stressful to me. I had unmeetable expectations placed upon me by my (both alcoholic) parents. I lived off of caffeine and nicotene during my sober hours.
Then, because all that stress has to go somewhere, I started binge drinking. At the age of 19, I qualified as an alcoholic, complete with cravings. I told myself it was okay as long as I didn't drink during the weekdays. But from Friday night through Sunday afternoon, I was pretty much toasted. I blacked out a couple of times (thankfully I had good friends who made sure I was okay).
One day, late in my freshman year, I woke up on a Thursday and something in my head said "I want a drink". By this time I could (and did) consume a fifth of Everclear per weekend by myself. I didn't know about recovery programs or anything like that. I did know that that little voice was the voice of danger, and that I did NOT want to go down the path that my parents chose.
At the end of that year I quit drinking. I was dry for the remainder of my college years, only to fall back into binge drinking when I got out of college. I suppose that episode lasted about 9 months or so. Then I moved into an apartment with no roommates, to make sure I didn't have any 'party friends'.
It helped that my stomach was so torn up by then that it physically hurt to drink alcohol. I was doing shots of vodka followed by shots of Maalox. Sounds yummy, doesn't it?
The point to this story is that nearly all college aged kids go through some form of drinking/experimentation. The vast majority of them get tired of barfing in bushes and horrific hangovers. The last time I drank to speak of was 11 years ago. I have absolutely no desire to drink at all anymore.
I explored that aspect of the world and found it to be less than the hype made it out to be.
Should you do anything further with your daughter? I can't answer that. I do wonder if some of your reaction comes from being a bartender and seeing just how bad things can get. Sort of the same reaction that often causes police officers to be overly protective of their children.
I agree with the people who ask if you've ever witnessed drunken behavior, or the after effects of it (daughter reeking of stale alcohol sweat or beer). If not, then she is most likely exploring her world and will pull out of it after the final hangover of all hangovers, when she swears she will never drink again, and then she actually doesn't (or does so with more caution).
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Lynn,
Whether she is alcoholic, a problem drinker, or just a young adult trying out new and formerly forbidden things, there is probably little you can do to deter her from the path she is going to take. She will make up her own mind about things, right or wrong, from this time forward. You can give your opinion, and make decisions about your participation in her life, but not about how she decides to live.
Letting go of someone we love to allow them to follow their own course is where we tend to need help. I, for years, thought I knew what was best for those I love. I had to learn that people need to live, love, succeed, and fail on their own. They may need to learn things that I don't. They may need to experience things that I don't. I have to remember that I don't want someone criticizing and controlling my life, so why should anyone else.
Getting help and support for myself was the best way I found to improve my family situation. Taking the focus off what others "needed" to do, and putting it on improving myself was the one thing I could do something about. Hugs, Magic
Whether she is alcoholic, a problem drinker, or just a young adult trying out new and formerly forbidden things, there is probably little you can do to deter her from the path she is going to take. She will make up her own mind about things, right or wrong, from this time forward. You can give your opinion, and make decisions about your participation in her life, but not about how she decides to live.
Letting go of someone we love to allow them to follow their own course is where we tend to need help. I, for years, thought I knew what was best for those I love. I had to learn that people need to live, love, succeed, and fail on their own. They may need to learn things that I don't. They may need to experience things that I don't. I have to remember that I don't want someone criticizing and controlling my life, so why should anyone else.
Getting help and support for myself was the best way I found to improve my family situation. Taking the focus off what others "needed" to do, and putting it on improving myself was the one thing I could do something about. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Magichappens
Hi Lynn,
Whether she is alcoholic, a problem drinker, or just a young adult trying out new and formerly forbidden things, there is probably little you can do to deter her from the path she is going to take. She will make up her own mind about things, right or wrong, from this time forward. You can give your opinion, and make decisions about your participation in her life, but not about how she decides to live.
Letting go of someone we love to allow them to follow their own course is where we tend to need help. I, for years, thought I knew what was best for those I love. I had to learn that people need to live, love, succeed, and fail on their own. They may need to learn things that I don't. They may need to experience things that I don't. I have to remember that I don't want someone criticizing and controlling my life, so why should anyone else.
Getting help and support for myself was the best way I found to improve my family situation. Taking the focus off what others "needed" to do, and putting it on improving myself was the one thing I could do something about. Hugs, Magic
Whether she is alcoholic, a problem drinker, or just a young adult trying out new and formerly forbidden things, there is probably little you can do to deter her from the path she is going to take. She will make up her own mind about things, right or wrong, from this time forward. You can give your opinion, and make decisions about your participation in her life, but not about how she decides to live.
Letting go of someone we love to allow them to follow their own course is where we tend to need help. I, for years, thought I knew what was best for those I love. I had to learn that people need to live, love, succeed, and fail on their own. They may need to learn things that I don't. They may need to experience things that I don't. I have to remember that I don't want someone criticizing and controlling my life, so why should anyone else.
Getting help and support for myself was the best way I found to improve my family situation. Taking the focus off what others "needed" to do, and putting it on improving myself was the one thing I could do something about. Hugs, Magic
I have a son (24y) and a daughter (18y).........I know they drink and have each smoked pot already. Rumor has it the younger has at least tried pills,too. I did too, in college. Sometimes with their dad. I do not do any of those things any more, and haven't for almost 30 yrs. Their father still does. He isn't living with us now after an intervention when he chose drinking,etc over not. Addiction has destroyed our family. So they KNOW first-hand the danger.........but like all of us, they are sure they will "keep and eye on it" and will never let it get to be a problem.........same words their dad says (and believes himself,I am sure).
Am I concerned about this? yes. Would I prefer they did not ever drink,etc.,etc. YES!!!! Besides educating them (and not contributing to financing,etc) , is there anything I can do to keep them from doing this if they want to?......sadly,no. They will do what they want to do and if they don't want me to know about it, they will do what they think they need to do to acomplish that. I did it myself........my AH is still doing it. I can only pray for them and myself.
Glad you found this place..hope you stick around.
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