don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Clinton Twsp., MI
Posts: 1
don't know what to do
I feel like all the people I love are drowning in addiction, and I can't help them. I know this forum is for alcoholism, but some people in my family also use pain killers- and I couldn't find a forum for family of narcotic users.
First of all, I grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. I spent most of my life watching this, and most of my teen years picking them off the floor, taking care of my brother and sisters, taking care of the house, etc. I vowed I would never become an addict since I was lucky enough to witness how horrible it is to people around you.
My dad quit drinking 10 years ago, and thereafter started using pain killers and other pills. I work with him in a manufacturing company every day. When I started working here about 5 years ago- I had no idea how deep he was into addiction. He looks and acts like he's half asleep every day. He can't keep his eyes open, he can't walk straight, he slurrs his words, and usually just stares into space with this blank look on his face (you know- eyes drooping, pretty much that alone tells everyone here how stoned he is). One day a consultant came in to help him fix a machine, and he couldn't even press the buttons on the control board. I was right next to him, while the consultant was telling him what to press, and my dad couldn't even hear him and kept falling over. The guy just looked at me like, "why don't you do something?". It was so embarrasing; every day an employee looks at me like that. I want him to stop, but every time I try to help I get mentally beaten to death. I've tried everything I can think of- talking to him (many ways), talking to his new wife, having an intervention, and he's gone to rehab 2 times now. I even tried doing nothing. When I told his wife I was worried about my dad's safety at work, and she talked to him about it- the consequences almost killed me. He said I was lying. Then my sister called me (also uses pain killers with my dad) and told me it was none of my business and I was a horrible person. My stepmom believed my dad was not using (she is beyond naive to his addiction) and yelled at me for lying. My family didn't even talk to me for 2 years. They made fun of me to my face, and said all kinds of horrible things behind my back. When my sister went to rehab last year she finally apologized. That point of my life was so dark I thought about killing myself. Now, I still worry every day that it will be the last with my dad. He mixes so much Xanax with vicodin, oxycontin, morphine, and even methadone. He barely breathes when he is asleep. By now, his liver must be completely gone.
My sister keeps using as well. Just like my dad- rehab seems to be a waste of insurance money and free valium. She used to be my best friend, and now her life is a downward spiral of drugs and lies. I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Even worse, she's now dating a 33 year old guy from New York (she's 22) that I'm sure is physically abusing her. She is in such denial that she tells me- a. she does not use drugs. b. she does not lie. c. her boyfriend is wonderful. The only time she has been honest the last 6 years was the few days she was sober after rehab. I hate watching her go down the same path as my dad, especially since he got her into the pills. It made me sick watching him give her drugs when she was 17. I don't know how to help her- I've tried everything and nothing as I have with my dad.
My boyfriend also has problems- he's an alcoholic. We've been together 6 years now, and when I met him he had never used any drugs or drank. He showed no signs of becoming an addict, and both his parents have never used or been addicts. He was the best boyfriend; I refused to date until I met a great guy- and I thought he was for 4 years. I even told him about how I grew up- and said I would never be with someone like my parents. Then it just started one day 2 years ago. He started drinking when he turned 21, with his hockey friends. Within a few months, he was drinking a fifth of whiskey a night. I wasn't living with him at the time, and I would drive to his house on the weekends and watch in horror as he nearly drank himself to death every night. I knew I should of broke up with him. I'm enabling him by going against my beliefs and staying with him. But I am so weak from all the problems in my family- he's my only vague support. He stays sober all day, and get's wasted every night. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- during the day he's my boyfriend, and at night he's a monster. He now admits he has a problem and needs help, but refuses to go through with it. "Therapy is stupid, rehab won't work, I can help myself". I've once again tried talking to him, helping him, etc. He even said he drank because of me asking him to stop- so I didn't say a word about it for months, and no change. Meanwhile I've become financially dependent on his income and now I don't know if I can leave. I can't support myself with one income. I'm such an idiot.
My other sister and brother are also starting to fall down the spiral. My little sister is at college, so she drinks almost every night. And she drinks a lot, enough to give me alcohol poisoning. She starting to use pain killers too. The same with my little brother- who's still in high school. I've tried to steer them clear of all the worst drugs (like hallucinogens, cocaine, heroin, any pills) and it worked for a while. But all my siblings seem to follow my dad's problems. Sometimes I wonder if I was adopted.
What am I supposed to do? I know I can nix my boyfriend, but what about my entire family? Thank god my mom quit drinking last year (god bless her). I didn't even speak to her for 3 years she was so bad. I say this all the time- I need to move to a steel dome in Alaska. Then I can be happy and not witness everyone I love drown themselves in alcohol and drugs. I even wonder if I'll end up like them, as much as I show no signs. I've drank a few times since I turned 21, and really don't care for it. I smoked pot a few times in high school, also don't care for it. The doctor had to give me pain killers after a bad car accident, and I didn't understand how my family can take them everyday (especially when they're not in pain!) since they make you feel like you're gonna puke and make you dizzy. But since they have a problem, and our genetics are almost identical, I constantly worry that I will end up like them. I know I have no reason to, but I can't help it. How can I not worry about this without feeling like I'm letting everyone die? I can't avoid them- they're my family. I thought about quitting my job, but my dad is signing the company over to me in a few years and I love this career. I don't know how to escape this without doing what they do. Sorry this is so long, but it's the first time I've ever talked about it all. I finally realized it's killing who I am, and it needs to stop.
First of all, I grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. I spent most of my life watching this, and most of my teen years picking them off the floor, taking care of my brother and sisters, taking care of the house, etc. I vowed I would never become an addict since I was lucky enough to witness how horrible it is to people around you.
My dad quit drinking 10 years ago, and thereafter started using pain killers and other pills. I work with him in a manufacturing company every day. When I started working here about 5 years ago- I had no idea how deep he was into addiction. He looks and acts like he's half asleep every day. He can't keep his eyes open, he can't walk straight, he slurrs his words, and usually just stares into space with this blank look on his face (you know- eyes drooping, pretty much that alone tells everyone here how stoned he is). One day a consultant came in to help him fix a machine, and he couldn't even press the buttons on the control board. I was right next to him, while the consultant was telling him what to press, and my dad couldn't even hear him and kept falling over. The guy just looked at me like, "why don't you do something?". It was so embarrasing; every day an employee looks at me like that. I want him to stop, but every time I try to help I get mentally beaten to death. I've tried everything I can think of- talking to him (many ways), talking to his new wife, having an intervention, and he's gone to rehab 2 times now. I even tried doing nothing. When I told his wife I was worried about my dad's safety at work, and she talked to him about it- the consequences almost killed me. He said I was lying. Then my sister called me (also uses pain killers with my dad) and told me it was none of my business and I was a horrible person. My stepmom believed my dad was not using (she is beyond naive to his addiction) and yelled at me for lying. My family didn't even talk to me for 2 years. They made fun of me to my face, and said all kinds of horrible things behind my back. When my sister went to rehab last year she finally apologized. That point of my life was so dark I thought about killing myself. Now, I still worry every day that it will be the last with my dad. He mixes so much Xanax with vicodin, oxycontin, morphine, and even methadone. He barely breathes when he is asleep. By now, his liver must be completely gone.
My sister keeps using as well. Just like my dad- rehab seems to be a waste of insurance money and free valium. She used to be my best friend, and now her life is a downward spiral of drugs and lies. I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Even worse, she's now dating a 33 year old guy from New York (she's 22) that I'm sure is physically abusing her. She is in such denial that she tells me- a. she does not use drugs. b. she does not lie. c. her boyfriend is wonderful. The only time she has been honest the last 6 years was the few days she was sober after rehab. I hate watching her go down the same path as my dad, especially since he got her into the pills. It made me sick watching him give her drugs when she was 17. I don't know how to help her- I've tried everything and nothing as I have with my dad.
My boyfriend also has problems- he's an alcoholic. We've been together 6 years now, and when I met him he had never used any drugs or drank. He showed no signs of becoming an addict, and both his parents have never used or been addicts. He was the best boyfriend; I refused to date until I met a great guy- and I thought he was for 4 years. I even told him about how I grew up- and said I would never be with someone like my parents. Then it just started one day 2 years ago. He started drinking when he turned 21, with his hockey friends. Within a few months, he was drinking a fifth of whiskey a night. I wasn't living with him at the time, and I would drive to his house on the weekends and watch in horror as he nearly drank himself to death every night. I knew I should of broke up with him. I'm enabling him by going against my beliefs and staying with him. But I am so weak from all the problems in my family- he's my only vague support. He stays sober all day, and get's wasted every night. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- during the day he's my boyfriend, and at night he's a monster. He now admits he has a problem and needs help, but refuses to go through with it. "Therapy is stupid, rehab won't work, I can help myself". I've once again tried talking to him, helping him, etc. He even said he drank because of me asking him to stop- so I didn't say a word about it for months, and no change. Meanwhile I've become financially dependent on his income and now I don't know if I can leave. I can't support myself with one income. I'm such an idiot.
My other sister and brother are also starting to fall down the spiral. My little sister is at college, so she drinks almost every night. And she drinks a lot, enough to give me alcohol poisoning. She starting to use pain killers too. The same with my little brother- who's still in high school. I've tried to steer them clear of all the worst drugs (like hallucinogens, cocaine, heroin, any pills) and it worked for a while. But all my siblings seem to follow my dad's problems. Sometimes I wonder if I was adopted.
What am I supposed to do? I know I can nix my boyfriend, but what about my entire family? Thank god my mom quit drinking last year (god bless her). I didn't even speak to her for 3 years she was so bad. I say this all the time- I need to move to a steel dome in Alaska. Then I can be happy and not witness everyone I love drown themselves in alcohol and drugs. I even wonder if I'll end up like them, as much as I show no signs. I've drank a few times since I turned 21, and really don't care for it. I smoked pot a few times in high school, also don't care for it. The doctor had to give me pain killers after a bad car accident, and I didn't understand how my family can take them everyday (especially when they're not in pain!) since they make you feel like you're gonna puke and make you dizzy. But since they have a problem, and our genetics are almost identical, I constantly worry that I will end up like them. I know I have no reason to, but I can't help it. How can I not worry about this without feeling like I'm letting everyone die? I can't avoid them- they're my family. I thought about quitting my job, but my dad is signing the company over to me in a few years and I love this career. I don't know how to escape this without doing what they do. Sorry this is so long, but it's the first time I've ever talked about it all. I finally realized it's killing who I am, and it needs to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR.
Holy crap! Have you been through it all or what??? My head is spinning just reading your story. But that's ok...it's what we're here for.
At this point, all I'm going to suggest is the following....run, don't walk, to your nearest Al-Anon meeting (try at least 6 meetings), get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, read the posts and stickies at the top here, and keep on venting here.
Oh, this may sound lame, but I find it helpful...start doing some nice small things for yourself...going for a walk in the park, a nice relaxing bubblebath, a cup of tea, heck, a piece of chocolate cake. Point is to make time everyday to do some nice things for yourself. It may sound insignficant, but learning to take care of ourselves amongst all the chaos is sometimes the only thing we can do...at least initially.
Keep coming back!
Holy crap! Have you been through it all or what??? My head is spinning just reading your story. But that's ok...it's what we're here for.
At this point, all I'm going to suggest is the following....run, don't walk, to your nearest Al-Anon meeting (try at least 6 meetings), get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, read the posts and stickies at the top here, and keep on venting here.
Oh, this may sound lame, but I find it helpful...start doing some nice small things for yourself...going for a walk in the park, a nice relaxing bubblebath, a cup of tea, heck, a piece of chocolate cake. Point is to make time everyday to do some nice things for yourself. It may sound insignficant, but learning to take care of ourselves amongst all the chaos is sometimes the only thing we can do...at least initially.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Jane22
If that 22 indicates your age, I agree with ICU: Holy crap!
First, you should be very proud of yourself for dealing as well as you are with your situation. I lived with one addict and know how difficult that is. That you have so many in your life and are trying to juggle them all at once - well, I don't know what to say.
But I echo ICU again - you may want to give Al-Anon a try. It has helped me a lot. Here is the link to the Michigan site:
http://www.afgmichigan.addr.com/
If that's not for you, there are plenty of resources available to help you start focusing on making your life the best it can be.
Please keep coming back and posting - you have a lot on your plate and there will be many people here who will help you through it.
Good luck.
If that 22 indicates your age, I agree with ICU: Holy crap!
First, you should be very proud of yourself for dealing as well as you are with your situation. I lived with one addict and know how difficult that is. That you have so many in your life and are trying to juggle them all at once - well, I don't know what to say.
But I echo ICU again - you may want to give Al-Anon a try. It has helped me a lot. Here is the link to the Michigan site:
http://www.afgmichigan.addr.com/
If that's not for you, there are plenty of resources available to help you start focusing on making your life the best it can be.
Please keep coming back and posting - you have a lot on your plate and there will be many people here who will help you through it.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arlinton, TX
Posts: 10
I agree with all that has been said. Al-Anon/Narc-Anon good place to be at this point.
I don't recommend books very often, but there's a short and wonderful book called "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. I can assure you, her suffering was complete and total. It's not a book about comparing suffering, but of how Corrie rose above suffering in the hideous woman's Nazi death camp -- Ravensbruk.
You'll find more hope in this small text than you could have ever thought possible. This book has been the turning point for 100's of thousands of hurting woman all over the world. It's been translated into 40+ languages.
Your healing can begin with the simple words and story of a frail little Dutch woman in a world of unthinkable horror. She found hope, help, and wholeness and right smack in the middle of hell itself. Please, won't your pick up a copy? She was in the middle of hell on earth and walked right out again with something that would, in later years, inspire millions to hope and freedom.
Randy
I don't recommend books very often, but there's a short and wonderful book called "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. I can assure you, her suffering was complete and total. It's not a book about comparing suffering, but of how Corrie rose above suffering in the hideous woman's Nazi death camp -- Ravensbruk.
You'll find more hope in this small text than you could have ever thought possible. This book has been the turning point for 100's of thousands of hurting woman all over the world. It's been translated into 40+ languages.
Your healing can begin with the simple words and story of a frail little Dutch woman in a world of unthinkable horror. She found hope, help, and wholeness and right smack in the middle of hell itself. Please, won't your pick up a copy? She was in the middle of hell on earth and walked right out again with something that would, in later years, inspire millions to hope and freedom.
Randy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Yup! Holy crap!! That is terrible. This may sound strange. You obviously can't move to a dome in Alaska. Does your buiness run at night? Could you take a night position or create one? I have been picking up some 11-7's. To my suprise it is a peaceful existance. It's quiet and I sleep days through most of the bull crap. Working for the family buisness, you must have developed some good skills. Can you build a resume and leave for a different position? If your dad passes out or falls asleep, call an ambulance. Better yet, tell someone else to. Have a chat with the doctor and let him or her be very direct with your dad. You don't have to be the bad guy. You can be there yet be gone. I work in the hospital all shifts and it is a different planet at night. Ordinarilly I would never suggest this but I'd save up and disappear. Each of your family members has to find their own way. It's just too overwhelming. Save yourself. The next time a client is there and your dad is flopped over, ask them to call 911. Your dad needs help you can't give him.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Jane, Welcome to SR, glad you found this site, WOW! sounds like you have really had it all in your life.
Alaska not a good place, I think many are alcoholics there.
I have no suggestions, but do keep coming back and keep us posted. I hope you can find a way to get your dad some help. hugs
Alaska not a good place, I think many are alcoholics there.
I have no suggestions, but do keep coming back and keep us posted. I hope you can find a way to get your dad some help. hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hi Jane22
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Be strong and read - read - read everything you can. Love them all from a distance if you have to. I am sending you a big ((((HUG))))
Janet
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Be strong and read - read - read everything you can. Love them all from a distance if you have to. I am sending you a big ((((HUG))))
Janet
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm going to pray for you because you have been through more than I could ever imagine! The positive thing is your mom is getting better. You can dump the boyfriend. Going to Al-Anon is about the only way you can handle the rest of the A's in your life. You can detach from them, maintain a distance, take care of yourself and pray for them. Whew! You have gone through some difficult times. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It sounds to me like you're doing quite well after all the difficulties you've dealt with.
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
As prodigal said, I'm going to pray for you. You've been through hell, but one of the best things about going through hell is that if you keep moving, you'll get through it. So keep trudging.
As far as leaving your boyfriend goes, only you can decide whether or not you should, but please don't use "I can't afford it" as an excuse. In order to do what is right for you, you may need to sacrifice some of the comforts you're use to, but you can do it. You are a strong, capable woman. When I split up with my ex-husband, I had an eviction notice on the door, no job, a small child, and five dollars in the bank. My determination to take care of myself and my child, along with help from God, got me through it. You can do it too.
Oh, and as the rest said, check out Al-Anon. It works. Commit yourself to six meetings. If you only take away from it that it is a safe place and you are welcome during the first couple of meetings, it is more than you had before.
As far as leaving your boyfriend goes, only you can decide whether or not you should, but please don't use "I can't afford it" as an excuse. In order to do what is right for you, you may need to sacrifice some of the comforts you're use to, but you can do it. You are a strong, capable woman. When I split up with my ex-husband, I had an eviction notice on the door, no job, a small child, and five dollars in the bank. My determination to take care of myself and my child, along with help from God, got me through it. You can do it too.
Oh, and as the rest said, check out Al-Anon. It works. Commit yourself to six meetings. If you only take away from it that it is a safe place and you are welcome during the first couple of meetings, it is more than you had before.
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