wife2alcoholic

Hi, I'm married to an alcoholic.....we've been together for 10 years and married for 6....my husband has not always been an alcoholic he became one not long after our 1st child was born and she's almost 5.....it's slowly gotten worse with time....I know everyone says that if they came into the relationship that way they wont change but does anyone believe they will change if they became that way years after the relationship started??? also he has a kidney disease and found out a little over a year ago that he now has cirrhosis from the drinking and she said that it developed so quickly because of the kidney disease.....She told him he had to quite drinking or it would kill him and he asked how long and she said within a few years....I have 3 children with him now and i dont regret any of them although my two younger ones were not planned because of his drinking....I have stayed with him so far because i love him and when i married him i said my vows and in those was in sick and health, worse or better, till death do us part.....and i really want to take those seriously but i also know my kids should come first and so should I...instead of always trying to protect him....he is only 28 years old and it saddens me to know that he could be dead by 30....i also lost my grandmother to this disease....she was only 29 and had just had her 5th child and died within 6 weeks of giving birth....I never knew her she died 4 years before i was born.....I hate this disease....my husband and I have been talking about him going into rehab and he keeps telling me how will i take care of the children cause he's the only one that works i'm a stay at home mom and i tell him i will find a way because at least he will live....I know these are excuses from him cause he's terrified but i really hope he decides to go i told him it has to be his decision and that i would be here when he got back and he said what if i stay like this and i told him that i couldn't garantee i could stay and endure the hurt and the pain from it all...and then to watch him die....and to put our children through this anymore my daughter is getting old enough to understand what her daddy is doing....I know that if he decides to keep living this life then i need to leave but when i think about it i get upset cause i know it will be hard but i know it's a must...I love him and i think he can change if he wanted to but i'm not sure if he wants to....he hasn't always been this way but i know even if he gets help he wont be the same as he was.....if anyone has any insight i'd appreciate it....i'm sure you've all heard this story a million times from others but i found this place and thought i'd post and ask for insight....thanks everyone if you read all of this..

jessica

Tally

And if he dies how will you cope, he's the only one that works etc...Definately excuses on his part. Do you think he's actually ready to give up drinking or is he saying it because he thinks its what you want to hear?

There are alot of people on this board more qualified to answer you and offer advice, I'm still a codie, lol

But welcome to SR and good luck xxx

TheGirlInside

Hi...glad to see you posting!!

I'm a believer that alcohol doesn't make someone completely different, it mainly drops our inhibitions.
What was he like before he started drinking heavily? Loving, kind, considerate, compassionate, respectful? Or not?

My best idea for you is to check out the Codepency threads, and Al-anon threads, and possibly check into a meeting in your area. From your post, it appears that you really love and care about him...but in recovery, I discovered that I have to love myself first.

Read around, post some more, keep us updated...sometimes, just writing it down or speaking it out loud will give me the mental clarity to sort through the chaos.

Best Wishes,
Kari

"Did you wake up today? Then, it's not too late." --Maya Angelou

fartheralong

Hey, Jessica! HUGS. Welcome to SR.

Reading your post brought back a lot of memories. And some still very fresh ones.

Like TheMissus, I'm still battling my 'codieness', so this isn't an answer so much as my own similar situation to take or leave as you will.

I too have two children (7&5) and like your AH, mine hasn't been sober since child number two. Probably mostly one,but serious problems since #2. I'm a SAHM as well. Have been for nine years. Now I'm looking for job. You know, at one point I remember being more terrified of 'out there' than leaving, or kicking him out. Then I found this place, started to read, started to research and other events and things happened and 'out there' wasn't nearly as depressing and scary as 'in this rut'. My AH was also told to stop drinking by the docs. He's damaged his bone marrow and his white blood cells are incrediably low. He's still drinking. And I personally, coulnd't do the insanity (for lack of a better term) anymore. And I guess I realized I didn't have to. So I'm terrified, worried, stressed...and strangely at peace. It's so...quiet.

I can't tell you what to do, or how to do it. But I think it's time to take the focus off of him and put it on YOU. At least that worked for me. Once I realized I could not save him, that only he could save himself, I had sight of 'myself' I could think better, if that makes a bit of sense. Probably not. i'm still working on lots of issues, still reading and gathering more information. I still have a long way to go, but at least I can see the damn path where before I felt like I was turning circles in the dark.

It is sad. I've realized all I can do is pray for him and let him go.

Good luck! Keep posting and coming back! This place saved my sanity!

Best,
Farther along
PS---how's P-ville? Dusty, hot and windy probably. I'm an ENMU alumni 1997.

denny57

Hi Jessica and welcome

I'm sorry to hear your husband has such severe medical problems at such a young age. It must be very hard on you, too, to have this worry about his possible death due to drinking on top of raising small children. I agree with TheMissus - you'll be coping on your own if he dies, too, so that's just an excuse.

It might help you to understand that alcoholism is a progressive disease, so it's not likely he "became an alcoholic" later in the marriage. It's just my opinion. Some people do move rapidly through the stages.

What matters in the end is what you are going to do for yourself to get ready for whatever he decides. I found Al-Anon very helpful, as well as individual therapy. Talking face to face with others who are in your situation may help enormously. I attend meetings with many younger women with small children. Some have stayed with their AH's while others found it necessary to remove themselves from the situation - they found it too painful to watch their spouse slowly kill themselves.

Keep posting - you'll get some great views and suggestions. Learn all you can and decide what is best for YOU. Good luck!

wife2alcoholic

hello everyone...thanks for responding....to answer some of the questions...I personally think that he wants to quit he just doesn't have the willpower...he tells me all the time he wants to quit he just doesn't like to face the withdrawls and the sleeplessness....he's tried to quit on his own before but it only lasts a few weeks......And when we first got together up until we got married and had our first child he was a very loving, caring, compassionate and respectful person to everyone....besides the occasional hard liquor he mainly drank beer up until our daughter was 1 then he started drinking the hard liquor alot....almost daily.....now it is daily.....he has alcoholism on both sides of his family....and he had a rough childhood but as i have told him that's not an excuse he chooses to drink no matter how hard his life was....my life was hard and i have alcoholism in my family but i choose not to do that i choose to be here for my children....he also told me yesterday that he doesn't think i love him anymore he said that he can tell i'm angry and resentful to him alot of the time....my brother asked me recently why i didn't get fixed after my last baby and i told him right in front of my husband that if something happened to me and my husband and i met someone else then this way if we wanted children we could still have them.....well he said he was thinking of that and he said the thought that i will leave if he doesn't quit drinking or that he might die and someone else will have me and raise his kids really bothered him....he said he felt sick to his stomache even....so i just hope this turns out for the better and if it doesn't then i will have to learn to deal with the fact that i will be on my own...i know that alcoholism is progressive but he started with beer first but it got more and more and more and then the hard liquor came in the picture then more and more and more of that until we are here now.....the beer didn't come till just before we got married...by the time my daughter was 1 he was drinking a 30 pack of beer a week.....oh and fartheralong p-ville is still the same...hot, windy and hot...no rain hardly at all....not many people call it p-ville....(we do!!!) so i know you had to be pretty familiar with it....we've been getting up to about 105 degree's during the day and the high 60's at night....it's nice to see someone from here not just new mexico but from here.....well thanks all for the input and please let me know if you have anymore....

Jessica
~My babies~
Gracie~8-6-01
Sean~3-17-04
Caleb~3-28-06