Magichappens

Hi Paige,
Welcome. This board is as good a place to start looking for help as any. There are a lot of people with different experiences here. I am one that Al-Anon was a necessity. I needed a place to get involved, and have living examples of people who were recovering from the effects of alcoholism. I needed support and help to see where my "helping" my husband was hurting our relationship, and find better ways to help myself and my family. I also didn't have the power to follow the advise of those around me. This was very frustrating, because I knew that I needed to change. Problem was, I couldn't change me. In Al-Anon, I found the power to change, through following their program of recovery, the 12 steps.

Some people don't have to go as far as me, but some do. If you find that you need more help than people's advice, it's available. Hugs, Magic

paige

THankyou everyone for your helpfull responses. Sorry it has taken me a while to reply, but it is hard for me to find time to get away. Yes, he is my Fiance, however, we do live together. We have not set a date yet. But, I am 99.9 percent sure that we will marry. I kn ow it is a huge decision. But, I cound not see us any other way.

Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself in third person, knowing that I am not following the advice I would give and for some reason feel like I can't step back. I really aprreciatte everyones feed back and advice, it helps me see things in perspective again. I do think at times that the day after he has been wasted that he is in just as much pain as I am. And that is what draws me in and makes me more open to forgive him faster. So, I know I need help or advice. I tried to buy the book Co Dependent No More , but I was embarrsed to be in the self help section. I am going to try to get it on line. I keep thinking about going to the Al Anon meetings, but life is so busy. I keep telling myself that I will just set aside a time and do it no matter what.

megamysterioso

You can take a step back and sometimes you must force yourself to do so. Learning about co-dependency and ebracing your own recovery will help you do so.

This is the cycle of addiction/co-dependency. You are drawn to him in that vulnerable state b/c you feel the desperate need to "make things better." The truth is is that WE cannot make things better for the A. We can only make things EASIER for them to pursue their addiction. The "helpful" things you think you do for him are not helping him at all. They only show him that he can continue to repeat the same actions over and over (alcoholism which is killing him) and be "forgiven" by you. The sooner you step back, detach and let him find his own bottom (which is the only way he'll decide to change), the better it will be for both of you.

The point to all that------ MAKE the time to seek recovery for YOURSELF. Buy that book online if you must, but never feel shame in seeking peace for yourself. Find a meeting, educate yourself all you can on alcoholism and co-dependency and DO NOT SET A DATE!

Magichappens

Paige,
I know what you mean about not having time to go to an Al-Anon meeting. Part of my problem is not being able to see that taking care of my serenity and sanity makes me more effective in helping others, especially those I care about. Make the time if you can, hon. It will pay off in the long run. And of course, you have support here, too. Hugs, Magic

Pick-a-name

Paige: Glad you were able to post again. Again, everything you said sounds so familiar to me.

Another book (actually there are a few volumes) that has been so helpful to me is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. She has a website online where you can order them; in fact get a free copy (no strings attatched!) of Vol.1 set to you (anywhere that is "safe" for you to have it sent). These books give examples of ways you can start acting in healthier ways in small ways that aren't as "frightening" for me.....especially getting started. You do not have to "give up on" or "stop loving" your SO but TRD reminds you that YOU are important,too. I know I forgot that for awhile. It got our relationship so out of balance and after awhile on some level I started to believe the "quack" (the crazy-talk that a's talk.....esp. trying to blame someone else for their alcoholism or their actions) and my dance with the addiction started up in earnest. For years I was able to ignore his "junk", probably one of the reasons we were married 27 yrs (he just divorced me) but it is a progressive disease.......for the A, and in my case it has been for me,too. Just like my AH, I couldn't see it in me nor did I believe I could "do" anything to help him (can't really) or me (that's why I'm here ).

LOts of good reading material out there....I have found so many great books at the Goodwill and resale shops. I know about being embarrased about "that section" at the book store....you know what; no one really cares or shouldn't. When I first bought one I pretended to myself that I was buying it for "someone else" or for a college class.....like I was studying "chemical addiction"...hahaha..I AM! Believe me there are much odder books than Hazelden literature out there (the erotica section is right beside the recovery at Borders and seems to draw in a crowd.ha) Like you say, online is a good alternative, but I have found some great reads checking the shelve so hopefully you can work up to that. For years more than anything I felt "guilty" like I was "betraying" my h for reading and looking at these books........guilty of what?

One more book that I found sooooooo helpful: "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and K. Ketcham really explains the disease of alcoholism and takes the mystery out of many,many aspects of it.

Go at your own pace, and don't fault yourself for only "babysteps"......it is a process. Having the awareness that there IS a problem is a milestone. Be good to yourself and I'm glad you are here.

paige

Yes.. It is hard to find time for meetings, and too read books. But thnks for reminding me that it needs to be done. I am starting to fall apart at the seams and it is keeps getting harder and harder to keep it all together.

I too feel dishonest or like I am cheating to go seek out some sort of help. I think he would take it the wrong way or get angered. So, I love the idea of having the books sent to a sfe place and paied on a card he will never notice. Even now, the only reason why I have a chance to sit down and write in private is because he just left to go out drinking. I am starting to learn more and more that I am a co dependent. Now, it's time to figure out how to stop but still have him. I have prepared myself to walk out the door so many times. But I can't. I want to always be there for him. IN my dreams, I leave, he sobers up, and we are back together again. But, I'm not sure it really works that way.

ONce again, THANK YOU!!!!!!! I hope that soon I can help everyone out too. I do make a good listener, reader..

paige

sorry for all the mis spellings. I tend to get nervous while typing, plus I am not a great typer

Pick-a-name

You already are helping.....just being here and posting! Hope things are going a little better for you now that you know you are not alone.