the easy way, or the right way???
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
the easy way, or the right way???
Hi guys,
Okay... I must be either doing really well, or doing not so good, because I seem to be posting EVERY day
Anyway... I am in a situation where I need to put my recovery to the test. On Saturday night, my hubby was away from home for the night. Call it sixth sense (or just CoDependant paranoia), but I KNEW he was going to use. It has been just over 4 weeks since his last binge. Now, up until today, I was not really worried about how I would react to him when he came home hungover, and remorseful etc. But here I am, wondering, worrying over exactly what it is I should do? I just feel like I have come really far in the past while in my OWN recovery, and to me, just sitting around doing nothing seems wrong. The thought of "letting it go", all the while knowing it'll happen all over again is absurd. I want to make a stand, and tell him that there is NO room for all of his alcoholic behaviors in my life. That his binges end up costing ME money, and are ruining MY credit and OUR business. What my gut tells me, is that he needs to get out. Get out of my life so that I can remain healthy and that the kids and I are safe.... But I know this feeling. I have felt it often. Am I just reacting to the behavior? Am I acting in haste? I just don't know...
Meg
Okay... I must be either doing really well, or doing not so good, because I seem to be posting EVERY day
Anyway... I am in a situation where I need to put my recovery to the test. On Saturday night, my hubby was away from home for the night. Call it sixth sense (or just CoDependant paranoia), but I KNEW he was going to use. It has been just over 4 weeks since his last binge. Now, up until today, I was not really worried about how I would react to him when he came home hungover, and remorseful etc. But here I am, wondering, worrying over exactly what it is I should do? I just feel like I have come really far in the past while in my OWN recovery, and to me, just sitting around doing nothing seems wrong. The thought of "letting it go", all the while knowing it'll happen all over again is absurd. I want to make a stand, and tell him that there is NO room for all of his alcoholic behaviors in my life. That his binges end up costing ME money, and are ruining MY credit and OUR business. What my gut tells me, is that he needs to get out. Get out of my life so that I can remain healthy and that the kids and I are safe.... But I know this feeling. I have felt it often. Am I just reacting to the behavior? Am I acting in haste? I just don't know...
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Hi, Meg:
Since I'm in about the same situation as you, I really can't give you any concrete answers, but here are some things that "popped" into my mind as I read your post.
--A gut feeling-- hmmmm, I've had that many times, and I was sure it really meant something, but sometimes it did, and sometimes I got myself concerned for nothing. One thing for sure, though, an A is very unpredictable!:p
Many times, I found my gut feeling was really paranoia at it's best. You've come a long way, and sitting around worrying about this situation is not what it's all about. Remember--you do not have any control over the alcohol. If you don't have any control over it, who does? Yes, your HP. Turn it over to Him.
Now, take some time and just be good to yourself. This is a rough week for you already, and I'm sure you have been neglecting yourself, since you are apt to be "emotional", and probably down. Plug in a movie or read a book, and take your mind off your troubles for a little while. Then address them again, and perhaps they won't look so bad.
You're in my prayers,
Hugs, Lyn
--A gut feeling-- hmmmm, I've had that many times, and I was sure it really meant something, but sometimes it did, and sometimes I got myself concerned for nothing. One thing for sure, though, an A is very unpredictable!:p
Many times, I found my gut feeling was really paranoia at it's best. You've come a long way, and sitting around worrying about this situation is not what it's all about. Remember--you do not have any control over the alcohol. If you don't have any control over it, who does? Yes, your HP. Turn it over to Him.
Now, take some time and just be good to yourself. This is a rough week for you already, and I'm sure you have been neglecting yourself, since you are apt to be "emotional", and probably down. Plug in a movie or read a book, and take your mind off your troubles for a little while. Then address them again, and perhaps they won't look so bad.
You're in my prayers,
Hugs, Lyn
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
Hey Meg...
Sounds like some boundaries need to be put in place... Decide what is it YOU are going to do to protect YOURSELF and your money... Money is reality!!! Also decide what you are going to do next time he does goes on a binge... Do whatever works for you...
Hugs to you...
Love Clowie
Sounds like some boundaries need to be put in place... Decide what is it YOU are going to do to protect YOURSELF and your money... Money is reality!!! Also decide what you are going to do next time he does goes on a binge... Do whatever works for you...
Hugs to you...
Love Clowie
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Just an update,
We had an actual "conversation" today... He started it, cuz of course he felt shame and guilt for using again. I guess he wanted to defend himself, or at least try to get ME talking. Anyway, at first, i said nothing; I planned it that way, because I was afraid that if I started talking, I would surely say the wrong thing. But it's amazing, because when I actually decided to respond, for once I was empowered by saying the RIGHT thing. He told me how he honestly thought he was "in control" this time, and that he could just have a couple of beers like all the other guys. He had been feeling for so long that he was missing out on something - all his hockey buddies had so much fun hangin out and swillin some beers. He also said that he had been "planning" to drink in a way, for quite some time - he KNEW he was not done with it. And this is why he had not been going meetings etc. If he had been using his program, he would not have been able to drink again - you know? Anyway, I told him that I have found a way to actually enjoy my life... and the MOST important thing I've learned is the power of LOVING myself. I realized that the bad habit I had (smoking), was in a way, my own way of NOT treating myself good. Once I quit, and began replacing the habit with things that are good for me, and FEEL good, I felt that smoking had NO place in my life. He tells me I am stronger than him... But I see it as just that I have been working on my OWN recovery for quite some time, and when I was ready... kicking MY addiction was just part of the whole process. So basically, I told him that it comes down to LOVING yourself, and CARING about your life... Anyway, I feel good for the moment. Thanx for the feedback
.
Love to you all,
Meg
We had an actual "conversation" today... He started it, cuz of course he felt shame and guilt for using again. I guess he wanted to defend himself, or at least try to get ME talking. Anyway, at first, i said nothing; I planned it that way, because I was afraid that if I started talking, I would surely say the wrong thing. But it's amazing, because when I actually decided to respond, for once I was empowered by saying the RIGHT thing. He told me how he honestly thought he was "in control" this time, and that he could just have a couple of beers like all the other guys. He had been feeling for so long that he was missing out on something - all his hockey buddies had so much fun hangin out and swillin some beers. He also said that he had been "planning" to drink in a way, for quite some time - he KNEW he was not done with it. And this is why he had not been going meetings etc. If he had been using his program, he would not have been able to drink again - you know? Anyway, I told him that I have found a way to actually enjoy my life... and the MOST important thing I've learned is the power of LOVING myself. I realized that the bad habit I had (smoking), was in a way, my own way of NOT treating myself good. Once I quit, and began replacing the habit with things that are good for me, and FEEL good, I felt that smoking had NO place in my life. He tells me I am stronger than him... But I see it as just that I have been working on my OWN recovery for quite some time, and when I was ready... kicking MY addiction was just part of the whole process. So basically, I told him that it comes down to LOVING yourself, and CARING about your life... Anyway, I feel good for the moment. Thanx for the feedback
. Love to you all,
Meg
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Meg,
You CAN take a stand to protect yourself. And if that means finances then do it. You need to be sure that your children are provided for and that the bills are paid...or at least that the money doesn't get wasted by a binge.
As far as what to do if he does go off the wagon...that really and truly is nothing. He made his choice. I would not lose it at least. When he can comprehend what you are saying you might say how you feel...calmly.
Now start reciting the serenity prayer. There are things you have no control over and things you do. Try making a list.
Hugs,
JT
You CAN take a stand to protect yourself. And if that means finances then do it. You need to be sure that your children are provided for and that the bills are paid...or at least that the money doesn't get wasted by a binge.
As far as what to do if he does go off the wagon...that really and truly is nothing. He made his choice. I would not lose it at least. When he can comprehend what you are saying you might say how you feel...calmly.
Now start reciting the serenity prayer. There are things you have no control over and things you do. Try making a list.
Hugs,
JT
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 20
Meg,
I've been doing a LOT of reading up on this lately. An alcoholic can't just stop with a few, their addiction makes them drink and drink. They are powerless to stop, even though they have good intentions. With him being remorseful, he knows that what he's doing is wrong and hurting you AND him. I hope he can recover.
Sounds like YOU have.
What is the Serenity Prayer JT?
Cindy
I've been doing a LOT of reading up on this lately. An alcoholic can't just stop with a few, their addiction makes them drink and drink. They are powerless to stop, even though they have good intentions. With him being remorseful, he knows that what he's doing is wrong and hurting you AND him. I hope he can recover.
Sounds like YOU have.
What is the Serenity Prayer JT?
Cindy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I wish I had this tatooed on my hand, because boy do I need this prayer a lot lately!!!
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I wish I had this tatooed on my hand, because boy do I need this prayer a lot lately!!!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
easy or right
Meg,
For a long time I had to really work to get myself out of the black and white, right or wrong way of thinking...after all I had lived 45 yrs that way...Now when I have a problem I try to wait 3 days before making any decision, in that time I write down all my options, no matter how silly ( some of them have me roflol before I am done). Then I ask myself 3 questions;
Is this really my responsiblity?
Is this someone ele's responsibilty?
Is this God's responsbility?
Yes, I said God's, before Al-Anon I kept forget my H.P. part in my life. I really believed everything was my responsibity to fix. Then I take the whole thing to my Al-Anon sponsor for a realality check.
I know today that I must have a plan for the future but live just for today....Hope this helps even alittle...
For a long time I had to really work to get myself out of the black and white, right or wrong way of thinking...after all I had lived 45 yrs that way...Now when I have a problem I try to wait 3 days before making any decision, in that time I write down all my options, no matter how silly ( some of them have me roflol before I am done). Then I ask myself 3 questions;
Is this really my responsiblity?
Is this someone ele's responsibilty?
Is this God's responsbility?
Yes, I said God's, before Al-Anon I kept forget my H.P. part in my life. I really believed everything was my responsibity to fix. Then I take the whole thing to my Al-Anon sponsor for a realality check.
I know today that I must have a plan for the future but live just for today....Hope this helps even alittle...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Meg
When I read what you are going through, I see myself. First off, quitting smoking was a GREAT thing to do for yourself (I haven't had one since 12/31/02 - and it hasn't been easy). I made myself a promise that no matter how upset I got I would not buy a pack of cigarettes (or bum one off my neighbor). I feel better about myself and I'm proud that I can do it.
Keep doing good things for yourself!! (Hey I just came from my second Alanon meeting and I didn't cry one tear - although my eyes did get a little watery on several occasions).
Hang in there!!
jmm
When I read what you are going through, I see myself. First off, quitting smoking was a GREAT thing to do for yourself (I haven't had one since 12/31/02 - and it hasn't been easy). I made myself a promise that no matter how upset I got I would not buy a pack of cigarettes (or bum one off my neighbor). I feel better about myself and I'm proud that I can do it.
Keep doing good things for yourself!! (Hey I just came from my second Alanon meeting and I didn't cry one tear - although my eyes did get a little watery on several occasions).
Hang in there!!
jmm
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Meg,
Can't say it any better than the folks before me.
Set your boundaries and hold tight to them to protect yourself and your kids. The worries of money getting blown IS a thing you can change. Serenity prayer, remember?...."change the things I can...
And jmm, CONGRATS on your 2nd meeting. Now makes plans to go to the 3rd, 4th, 40th, 500th, etc....
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Can't say it any better than the folks before me.
Set your boundaries and hold tight to them to protect yourself and your kids. The worries of money getting blown IS a thing you can change. Serenity prayer, remember?...."change the things I can...
And jmm, CONGRATS on your 2nd meeting. Now makes plans to go to the 3rd, 4th, 40th, 500th, etc....
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lancaster, CA
Posts: 4
I am right with you Meg! I am praying for the ability to not be anxiety ridden with every time I know he will drink, and to not give a damn if he does.
I am not in control and I think that is what my problem is. He is the opposite though- I know he will drink whenever he is alone. He does control it around me, just because he knows how angry I get- and that is for the wrong reason.
He is so pig headed that he insists that he should/can be able to drink and stop before he is drunk. In my opinion if someone is slurring his speech, he is drunk.
He does accept that he is mean and abusive when drunk, and says he doesn't want to be a drunk,
BUT why is this man absolutely not willing to give up alcohol?
WHY is he so stupid to think he is the one in a million that can control his alcoholism AND still drink?
the serentity prayer stuff just isn't working for me!
I am not in control and I think that is what my problem is. He is the opposite though- I know he will drink whenever he is alone. He does control it around me, just because he knows how angry I get- and that is for the wrong reason.
He is so pig headed that he insists that he should/can be able to drink and stop before he is drunk. In my opinion if someone is slurring his speech, he is drunk.
He does accept that he is mean and abusive when drunk, and says he doesn't want to be a drunk,
BUT why is this man absolutely not willing to give up alcohol?
WHY is he so stupid to think he is the one in a million that can control his alcoholism AND still drink?
the serentity prayer stuff just isn't working for me!
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 20
ecaseyj...
From what I've read, they can't give up the alcohol once it has a good, strong hold on them. I've learned that it IS a disease, one that controls their mind and their body. An addiction.
They have to WANT to give it up before they can, and it's very difficult for them.
Struggling with an addiction is what we are going through. He can go for days without a drink, then it seems to start all over again. (So far, this is day number 3). We haven't talked since his last binge. He's been doing a lot of sleeping since the last withdrawal time. I want to discuss this with him, let him know that I still support him, and I think it's time to get outside help...
seeing as we can't do it alone. We haven't discussed God helping us yet, but I pray as often as possible for the help.
I've read something in lots of messages here that may help you...Let go and let God.
Cindy
From what I've read, they can't give up the alcohol once it has a good, strong hold on them. I've learned that it IS a disease, one that controls their mind and their body. An addiction.
They have to WANT to give it up before they can, and it's very difficult for them.
Struggling with an addiction is what we are going through. He can go for days without a drink, then it seems to start all over again. (So far, this is day number 3). We haven't talked since his last binge. He's been doing a lot of sleeping since the last withdrawal time. I want to discuss this with him, let him know that I still support him, and I think it's time to get outside help...
seeing as we can't do it alone. We haven't discussed God helping us yet, but I pray as often as possible for the help.
I've read something in lots of messages here that may help you...Let go and let God.
Cindy
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lancaster, CA
Posts: 4
Thanks Cindy-
I know you are right, and I know I have seen posts from many of you who seem to be in a better place emotionally. I am trying to get there too. It really is a control thing. I can't control his actions so I really want to not care and not be hurt by his decisions.
I do not think that an alcoholic can still drink and control it? He says he has read studies that say you can??
Anyone heard of this?
I said maybe only after they have completely quit and got over the addiction, could someone then have a social drink now and then?
He does quit for about a week at a time, then binge.
Thanks for your reply.
Just this support helps me so much.
I know you are right, and I know I have seen posts from many of you who seem to be in a better place emotionally. I am trying to get there too. It really is a control thing. I can't control his actions so I really want to not care and not be hurt by his decisions.
I do not think that an alcoholic can still drink and control it? He says he has read studies that say you can??
Anyone heard of this?
I said maybe only after they have completely quit and got over the addiction, could someone then have a social drink now and then?
He does quit for about a week at a time, then binge.
Thanks for your reply.
Just this support helps me so much.
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 20
ecaseyj
Ask him to show you where he has read these studies. I have never heard of them before. Once they are alcoholics, they are ALWAYS alcoholics. And they can't be social drinkers without the disease getting to them. They can't help but get drunk.
My A has been without a drink since the last binge. It's been 4 days now. It was a pretty bad one, and he's realizing it.
I've been repeating to myself.."Let go and let God" a lot the last few days, more so as I woke up several times last night.
We've got a court date today for a DUI, and I've been doing some heavy praying. Needless to say, I'm scared to death!
Cindy
Ask him to show you where he has read these studies. I have never heard of them before. Once they are alcoholics, they are ALWAYS alcoholics. And they can't be social drinkers without the disease getting to them. They can't help but get drunk.
My A has been without a drink since the last binge. It's been 4 days now. It was a pretty bad one, and he's realizing it.
I've been repeating to myself.."Let go and let God" a lot the last few days, more so as I woke up several times last night.
We've got a court date today for a DUI, and I've been doing some heavy praying. Needless to say, I'm scared to death!
Cindy
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