Elmo

Thanks in advance for listening,

I love two men who hate each other. One is my son and the other is my husband. This is a very old story for me but it hasn't been in my face for several years. I have found myself crying half a dozen times this week out of sadness and frustration. My mind is churning with solutions like it hasn't for a long time. And none of the solutions can work.

My son is staying with us fresh out of rehab and has so far been successfully attempting recovery. I have allowed him to see the worst results of his choices. I believe he is making a very real stab at putting his life together and I want to be supportive. I see this as the last time I will offer anything other than emotional support. It is an opportunity to use my recovery.

I went into this knowing they hate each other. My husband knew what I was doing and said ok. He doesn't always say what he means. I guess I would like to trust that my husband would know how important this is to me and allow me the opportunity. Unfortunately that is not reality. I have choices but in a very real way that choice is being taken away from me. He doesn't say as much but his demeanor can fill a room. Or on another day he is very vocal about it.

There is nothing in any recovery books about this. If I have to abort my support of my son to shut my husband up I know me...huge resentment. This is a time I have waited for...for my son to give it a real shot.

I am a supportive person and I think what hurts me so much is that when I need support...when I say out loud "I need you to support me" he is so wrapped up in his own anger that he can't see past that.

For my son's part he is laying low. Avoiding the situation...staying away.

I have been depressed in the past more than once and the crying thing is warning sign to me that things in my life are not right. So that's it.

Anyone got the magic answer??

Elmo

cindyintn

I wish there was some magic answer for you.
It's good that your son is trying to get his life together and is making a real effort.
This situation sounds more than difficult for you. I know you love both men, and you're wishing this was all different. Why exactly does your husband hate your son so much?
Sometimes saying "I need" to someone seems to backfire (been there, done that!) I found that saying "I'd Like" works more often than not.
Have you tried getting your husband away from your home to discuss this? Also, have either of you tried counseling?
Maybe you want to try either of these, or possibly both.
My prayers go out to you.

Stephanie

Dear Elmo,

It's good to hear from you. What a hard situation. Unfortunately I do understand some of it first hand. I have a step son who is only 8 but we butt heads a lot and it can be very hard. It's very important to my husband that I treat him as my own and I understand my husbands requests. It is me that has the issues. I have also been to counseling specifically due to this issue alone. I had enormous resentment toward him for a number of reasons and I didn't like the fact that I seem to have enormous patience for my own kids but limited patience for him. He already has a lot of behavior problems. The main issue is that since his mother is incapable of caring for him and my husband has been using on and off, I have had sole responsibility for bring him up. I learned a lot from counseling, mostly that I can't save him, although I try, and that my anger is really at my husband and that it is my issue to resolve.

I'm sharing that with you because I think your husband is being pretty selfish. Either he thinks that the situation with your son is taking your time and focus away from him or it may even be financial. Whatever the reason it is within him. It is the same thing if he were actively drinking. He's basically actively acting out based on his own self-centered fear. Therefore you try to work your program accordingly, detach from his anger and try not to take responsibility for it or feed into it.

Also, I think it's great that your son is doing so well. You are really being great with him. One very important thing to remember, if he genuinely wants to be clean he will be able to do it with or without you. I am sure it's easier with moms help but it's not the only way. I feel you holding on for dear life like if you don't do this for him, he may never get sober and it will be all your fault. I may be wrong but it feels that way. if he's staying sober just to be able to live at home, it won't last anyway. It seems like he really wants it. If that's the case he'll be able to do it living elsewhere especially if he has been able to build up a network.

If you can't handle the situation and it is too stressful, maybe you want to work out a compromise and give your son a certain amount of time to get his feet on the ground and help him find a place if that will make you feel better. He can always advertise in one of his AA meetings that he's looking for a room to rent and then he will be living in a sober house. Most important is that you take care of yourself. I hope it works out for you.

camy

I can't say much about your adult son, but good luck. I know the feelings I have with my A are more losing him than guilt. Keep faith.

About the eight year old, I have the opposite situation. My husband is not my son's biological father, and my son knows it. There is no contact with the bio so that isn't an issue, but they fight like crazy. My son also has other issues as well. I found a book that I like, in addition to therapy. It is "How to Raise a Spirited Child." The point of the book is not to stereotype the child as bad or difficult. Sometimes they live up to the expectation.
I hope things get better for both of you.

Elmo

Wow,

So much to think about. I do know that what I do or don't do will not make or break my son's sobriety. Sorry if I made it seem otherwise. This is something I WANT to do. Not something I think I have to do.

I don't think it matters why they have a bad relationship it just is. And the fact of the matter is that I am beating my head against a wall. How I word it has no affect. I have "asked" "insisted on" "needed" "demanded" and on and on.

I think this man is incapable of doing what I ask. Selfish is a good word for it. And Searching...he does drink more when he is stressed. Which I guess is right now.

I am trying to change something I can't change. And if my support will not make or break my son's sobriety neither will my husbands anger. My son is free to leave if he doesn't want to put up with it.

There remains a part of my husband that I find...I am not even sure what the word is. Whatever it is it hurts.

Elmo

EmotionalMeg

Elmo,
You mentioned that your husband was being "selfish", and that he was "angry" with the whole situation. It sounds like he needs to learn to detach from your son the alcoholic, and be able to like and respect the fact that your son is trying to recover. It IS selfish to disregard your son in this way, but I am wondering if your husband understands about alcoholism and recovery?? The suggestion of counselling is a good one... for you AND your husband. Remember your priorities as well... The person you need to worry about is YOU - think about what is best.
Take care,
Meg

Stephanie

It's funny, I recently discovered some things I don't like about my husband too. It has nothing to do with how he treats me or what he doesn't do in regard to me. Before I got involved in alanon I never thought of him as separate from me, if you know what I mean. I never thought of him as his own person it was always how he effected me and that's how I judged his character. God, I didn't realize how having no boundaries and being an enmeshed codependent was so in fact sooooo self-centered. Anyways, the things I noticed is that our morals are so different. Different is ok but I think he can be rather unfair or mean to others who are less fortunate than him. What's more unbelievable is that I have known him for so long and never saw it. We also have different styles in relating to the children, I didn't know that either. He can also be really vindictive and spiteful toward someone who wrongs him. These things make me see him different whereas before I think I was too busy trying to get him to act a certain way toward me I never really even knew him. Very scary~~~~~~~~~

What you said made me think of this because I think you're saying you feel hurt because of some way that your husband is acting that you never saw before. I don't think I feel hurt because the behaviors I've discovered are not directed towards me, but what I do feel is........... cheated.

Elmo

I have to laugh at the idea of my husband in counselling. He is one of those types who is not all that deep. I am not giving him enough credit...I know he thinks about things. In some ways I have to admire someone who never ever second guesses himself but sometimes he ought to. In the process of raising our son he doesn't think he ever made a mistake. That to me, is not being in touch with reality. He could be as knowledgable as he wants to be about addiction. He doesn't seem to want to. All he sees is an adult who has not made anything of himself. Piece of sh** is how he refers to him. He barely stays in the same room much less speaks.

I do feel cheated. I am being cheated out of a support system. I have to go out to find it when I have asked for it from him. I have known this about him. This same sort of situation is what got me into recovery and this same thing keeps coming back at me. That tells me there is something I haven't finished.

You are right, recovery is selfish. I knew going into this there would be problems no matter what he said in the beginning. I can handle their bad relationship and I can handle his nasty comments. It is the disregard for my feelings that smarts.

I hate this part of him. What I want is for him to trust that I am doing this for the right reasons (he thinks I am being taken advantage of) and to love and support me unconditionally. I cannot have that from him.

Elmo

Morning Glory

Sounds like the HP has the surgeons scalpel out again. Turn the focus inward and see what's being dug up. I believe every circumstance is arranged for your good. Even this one. I think you're right that there is some unfinished business. Every single time I've been in a crisis there has been something worked in me. When the something is done the crisis ends. Sometimes the HP has to use strong measures to crack through our defenses.

Many Hugs,
MG

Ann

Elmo

My husband and I often disagree with how we feel we should act with our son. My husband is not codependent, but has feeling too that he keeps under wraps far too often. And his anger, frustration and fear for our son often gets redirected to me.

I don't like being in the middle. I no longer pass messages back and forth when they are not speaking. And I trust my recovery and accept my mistakes.

But sometimes, the calm, recovering serene person that I am, has to shoot off a cannon to get them both to listen when they are stomping all over my feelings. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't. But these bunny slippers have steel toes and I will not have them step on my toes.

It hurts when my needs are ignored. My husband and my son can both be very selfish when it comes to feelings. So I state my needs loud and clear, and then I let them suffer the consequences if they don't respect me.

And, like you, I just get tired and cry sometimes. But if you really think about it, we do have a lot to cry about. So we cry, take notice and try to get to the root of what is really bothering us.

Sending you huge hugs and a set of steel-toed bunny slippers.

Elmo

Thanks for the advise Ann. I had to search for a while but I was able to find the gun powder. It was a little old and the cannon was rusty but it fired just fine. Sesame Street will never be the same.

I was trying to put this whole thing back on a recovery level and here is what I came up with.

I can't control my son's sobriety, their relationship, my husbands feelings, my son's feelings or the outcome of trying to hep my son get a leg up.

I can control what I will participate in, my own determination in staying focused on my goal, not allowing myself to be pulled under or distracted by their craziness.

The problems we had when my son was younger was getting distracted with our own fights and then he was off the hook. Instead of dealing with the problem we would fight about the solution. That will not happen this time.

Did you know that red fur gives you super powers?

Thanks to all...it really is nice to have a soft place to hurl yourself when things aren't going well!!!

Elmo