Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Update
Hi everyone,
I'm taking a couple of well-deserved days of vacation and thought I'd post a quick (well, we'll see how quick LOL!) update on things.
It's been a little over 3 months since I left my ex-abf. I finally blocked all of his e-mails and he hasn't called in about a month after I asked him to leave me alone and allow me to get on with my life.
It has been an "interesting" experience, learning to be single and sober. I am 40 and since the age of 19 I have been in one relationship after another, all of them codie in various aspects. I have been with married men, emotionally unavilable men, alcoholic men, verbally abusive men and the list goes on and on. I stayed in miserable circumstances because I couldn't bear the thought of being alone.
Today I am not in a relationship. I am having the time of my life! My AA group has a big group that get together on the weekends and we go to dances, out to eat, the races etc. It is great fun and there is none of the drama involved. Also, a lady recently joined our group with 9 years sober but major codie issues. She and I have bonded and together we are learning to enjoy life.
There is someone that I've known for about 6 months as a friend who I have gone out with a couple of times. He has 20 years sober and is great to be around. While we are attracted to each other there is no great rush to move things along. I talk to him daily by e-mail and flirt but so far that is the extent of it. And today I'm ok with that. I don't have to sit and obsess over it. It's a very different feeling. There are a couple of other guys who have expressed interest so I'm going out and having fun and just waiting to see where things go.
I recently did another 5th step with my AA sponsor over the things that have happened in the past year and it revealed things that I still need to work on including self-esteem and learning to accept myself. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing that. I have intense body hatred issues that were fueled (but certainly not caused) by ex-abf writing about my flaws and leaving it out for me to find. I honestly don't know how to go about working on that other than prayer for my Higher Power to help me to see myself as he sees me rather than focusing on my flaws from my major weight loss. Sigh. I just don't know about that one. The idea right now of being intimate with someone is enough to cause a full blow panic attack!
Another thing I'm learning is how to set boundaries with people, defining what I will and will not tolerate. Talk about a strange feeling! I think I'm going to check out Al-Anon to learn more about self-care.
On another note, my 19yo son is experiencing a flare up of his depressive part of his bi-polar disorder and I am working to get him help and stabilized. That is going to be another area where I have to learn boundaries and probably the scariest but right now I just want to get him stable and not wanting to harm himself. We have issues as he wants to go to college out of state and live with his rich friend and has all these grandiose ideas of how he's going to accomplish all this yet he can't/won't hold a job for more than a week. He is thinking that I'm going to foot the bill even though he KNOWS I can't and it is causing all kinds of stress for me. He loves telling me that I need to do this and that for him yet he won't get off his *ss and do anything himself. And I have been told that I am to blame for this because I have raised him this way. I have to learn to stand up to him and my sponsor has been all over me on that one.
Ok, enough rambling. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing ok. I'll have 21 months sober on Monday. You guys were here for me when I needed you the most and I'll never forget that! You got me through one of the most horrible experiences of my life without having to drink over it. I owe ya'll big time!
Hugs,
Kellye
Sobriety date 8/8/04
By God's grace and AA!
I'm taking a couple of well-deserved days of vacation and thought I'd post a quick (well, we'll see how quick LOL!) update on things.
It's been a little over 3 months since I left my ex-abf. I finally blocked all of his e-mails and he hasn't called in about a month after I asked him to leave me alone and allow me to get on with my life.
It has been an "interesting" experience, learning to be single and sober. I am 40 and since the age of 19 I have been in one relationship after another, all of them codie in various aspects. I have been with married men, emotionally unavilable men, alcoholic men, verbally abusive men and the list goes on and on. I stayed in miserable circumstances because I couldn't bear the thought of being alone.
Today I am not in a relationship. I am having the time of my life! My AA group has a big group that get together on the weekends and we go to dances, out to eat, the races etc. It is great fun and there is none of the drama involved. Also, a lady recently joined our group with 9 years sober but major codie issues. She and I have bonded and together we are learning to enjoy life.
There is someone that I've known for about 6 months as a friend who I have gone out with a couple of times. He has 20 years sober and is great to be around. While we are attracted to each other there is no great rush to move things along. I talk to him daily by e-mail and flirt but so far that is the extent of it. And today I'm ok with that. I don't have to sit and obsess over it. It's a very different feeling. There are a couple of other guys who have expressed interest so I'm going out and having fun and just waiting to see where things go.
I recently did another 5th step with my AA sponsor over the things that have happened in the past year and it revealed things that I still need to work on including self-esteem and learning to accept myself. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing that. I have intense body hatred issues that were fueled (but certainly not caused) by ex-abf writing about my flaws and leaving it out for me to find. I honestly don't know how to go about working on that other than prayer for my Higher Power to help me to see myself as he sees me rather than focusing on my flaws from my major weight loss. Sigh. I just don't know about that one. The idea right now of being intimate with someone is enough to cause a full blow panic attack!
Another thing I'm learning is how to set boundaries with people, defining what I will and will not tolerate. Talk about a strange feeling! I think I'm going to check out Al-Anon to learn more about self-care.
On another note, my 19yo son is experiencing a flare up of his depressive part of his bi-polar disorder and I am working to get him help and stabilized. That is going to be another area where I have to learn boundaries and probably the scariest but right now I just want to get him stable and not wanting to harm himself. We have issues as he wants to go to college out of state and live with his rich friend and has all these grandiose ideas of how he's going to accomplish all this yet he can't/won't hold a job for more than a week. He is thinking that I'm going to foot the bill even though he KNOWS I can't and it is causing all kinds of stress for me. He loves telling me that I need to do this and that for him yet he won't get off his *ss and do anything himself. And I have been told that I am to blame for this because I have raised him this way. I have to learn to stand up to him and my sponsor has been all over me on that one.
Ok, enough rambling. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing ok. I'll have 21 months sober on Monday. You guys were here for me when I needed you the most and I'll never forget that! You got me through one of the most horrible experiences of my life without having to drink over it. I owe ya'll big time!
Hugs,
Kellye
Sobriety date 8/8/04
By God's grace and AA!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Glad to hear your good news.
With regards to your son, I understand the feelings. My daughter suffers from mental illness and alcoholism. I have found it extremely helpful (for both of us) for me to set a lot of healthy boundaries.
That way, I don't feel used and victimized, and she gets to take responsibillity for herself - it's good for everyone.
God Bless
With regards to your son, I understand the feelings. My daughter suffers from mental illness and alcoholism. I have found it extremely helpful (for both of us) for me to set a lot of healthy boundaries.
That way, I don't feel used and victimized, and she gets to take responsibillity for herself - it's good for everyone.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Enjoy your vacation.
At my meeting today the speaker shared that he started out in Al-Anon, realized he needed AA, did that for 12 years (still goes) before heading back to Al-Anon, too. He said it's been fantastic for him because even though the steps are the same, the focus is different, and he realized he had these issues to be addressed that were better served by Al-Anon. Not sure I completely understand what he meant, but thought I mention it.
At my meeting today the speaker shared that he started out in Al-Anon, realized he needed AA, did that for 12 years (still goes) before heading back to Al-Anon, too. He said it's been fantastic for him because even though the steps are the same, the focus is different, and he realized he had these issues to be addressed that were better served by Al-Anon. Not sure I completely understand what he meant, but thought I mention it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Thank you both! I was starting to feel invisible LOL! (Yeah I know, that's my selfish and self-centered side coming out!)
Denny, I never went to Al-Anon before and so far I've been so focused on staying sober but I'm realizing that I have issues that AA doesn't address specifically. If I had to guess I would guess that is what your speaker is referring to. When we share in AA we are supposed to keep our sharing as it relates to our alcoholism and getting off the topic is somewhat frowned upon although tolerated depending on who is chairing the meeting.
I drank as an alcoholic for 3.5 years but I have lived a dysfunctional life and had a very dysfunctional love life well before I ever became an alcoholic. I have an alcohol problem to be sure but I have a living problem as well and I think certain aspects of that living problem are better shared and understood at Al-Anon. At least that is my hope! I am fortunate that there is a large Al-Anon group close to my AA group and a lot of people go to both so when I go I will be there with people I already know.
Robin, thanks for sharing that about your daughter. We go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and will figure out a game plan for getting him re-stabilized and then I'm going to have to work on boundaries and making him be responsible no matter how uncomfortable it is for us both!
Hugs,
Kellye
Denny, I never went to Al-Anon before and so far I've been so focused on staying sober but I'm realizing that I have issues that AA doesn't address specifically. If I had to guess I would guess that is what your speaker is referring to. When we share in AA we are supposed to keep our sharing as it relates to our alcoholism and getting off the topic is somewhat frowned upon although tolerated depending on who is chairing the meeting.
I drank as an alcoholic for 3.5 years but I have lived a dysfunctional life and had a very dysfunctional love life well before I ever became an alcoholic. I have an alcohol problem to be sure but I have a living problem as well and I think certain aspects of that living problem are better shared and understood at Al-Anon. At least that is my hope! I am fortunate that there is a large Al-Anon group close to my AA group and a lot of people go to both so when I go I will be there with people I already know.
Robin, thanks for sharing that about your daughter. We go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and will figure out a game plan for getting him re-stabilized and then I'm going to have to work on boundaries and making him be responsible no matter how uncomfortable it is for us both!
Hugs,
Kellye
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Speaking of invisible, I completely missed your post earlier today. That's probably because your subject line is so short--kinda of got lost amongst the longer subject lines.
If you want a codie to notice your thread, you'll have to come up with a really dramatic subject line--one that will make us think you need to be rescued. LOL!
Hope you enjoyed your vacation. Two of my sister's children suffer from bipolar disorder, so I understand your frustration and struggles. Keep us posted on your son's progress. And more importantly, keep us posted on your progress as well.
If you want a codie to notice your thread, you'll have to come up with a really dramatic subject line--one that will make us think you need to be rescued. LOL!
Hope you enjoyed your vacation. Two of my sister's children suffer from bipolar disorder, so I understand your frustration and struggles. Keep us posted on your son's progress. And more importantly, keep us posted on your progress as well.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Hope you have a wonderful vacation and congratulations on all of the progress you have made. I commend your 21 months of sobriety as well. That is awesome and damn near impossible for some. Good luck with your son and keep setting those boundaries for yourself. You are well on your way to a much healthier you! I will most likely be sans relationships soon myself. I need a big break to reconnect with MYSELF, so I envy you for that. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi again kellye
ok, this is weird - tonight i went to a speaker meeting at a men's stag that lets us women in the first thursday of the month.
the woman who was speaking ALSO started in AA and then years later went to Al-Anon (she thought she was going to an AA meeting LOL). Anyway, she compared the two as AA taking care of her toothache and Al-Anon being the root canal.
if you decide to go to al-anon i can't wait to hear your thoughts
have a nice break
ok, this is weird - tonight i went to a speaker meeting at a men's stag that lets us women in the first thursday of the month.
the woman who was speaking ALSO started in AA and then years later went to Al-Anon (she thought she was going to an AA meeting LOL). Anyway, she compared the two as AA taking care of her toothache and Al-Anon being the root canal.
if you decide to go to al-anon i can't wait to hear your thoughts
have a nice break
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
They have an Al-Anon at 8:00 tonight following my 6:30 AA meeting. It is less than a mile away and I really think I'm going to go check it out. I can understand the tooth ache/root canal analogy. I think perhaps I will find the same thing.
Mega, I've been watching your posts. I think once you make that break and get through the rush of emotions you're going to feel (you always feel them whether it is a planned break or not - at least in MY experience), I think you are going to feel a sense of peace. By all means, use the time to work on you, get to know yourself, nurture yourself and work a program. I highly recommend the program aspect as it has taught me so much about how my mind works and what drives the thoughts that I have. I haven't learned to not think that way..... YET! But at least now when I do have them I can step back and look at it or I can call others and get their input.
FDM, yeah I guess I should have come up with a more dramatic title but I just couldn't think of one at the time LOL! I touched on various topics so it was hard to categorize it into one.
I have run my issue with the body hatred/intimacy issue by some ladies in my program and it looks like my thinking was ok. When/if it gets to that point, it has been suggested that I honestly explain my fears. If he cares about me he will accept me no matter what and if he doesn't better to know about it. I can't judge the whole world by one sick alcoholic's actions. The fact that my ex-abf lied about the whole thing, telling me that I was beautiful and he loved me exactly as I was and then wrote completely opposite thoughts of revulsion just kills me but I can't let it color my dealings with people from now on. That was his issues more than mine and somehow I have to let it go.
We have the doctor's appointment at 3:00 today. I faxed the doctor a letter giving him a detailed history of what has happened with my son, what is currently going on and our concerns that while he be stabilized that he not be overmedicated. Justin was aware that I was doing this and had asked me to do it so I'm going to send a copy in with him as well and then sit out in the waiting room and pray like heck!
Hugs!
Kellye
Mega, I've been watching your posts. I think once you make that break and get through the rush of emotions you're going to feel (you always feel them whether it is a planned break or not - at least in MY experience), I think you are going to feel a sense of peace. By all means, use the time to work on you, get to know yourself, nurture yourself and work a program. I highly recommend the program aspect as it has taught me so much about how my mind works and what drives the thoughts that I have. I haven't learned to not think that way..... YET! But at least now when I do have them I can step back and look at it or I can call others and get their input.
FDM, yeah I guess I should have come up with a more dramatic title but I just couldn't think of one at the time LOL! I touched on various topics so it was hard to categorize it into one.
I have run my issue with the body hatred/intimacy issue by some ladies in my program and it looks like my thinking was ok. When/if it gets to that point, it has been suggested that I honestly explain my fears. If he cares about me he will accept me no matter what and if he doesn't better to know about it. I can't judge the whole world by one sick alcoholic's actions. The fact that my ex-abf lied about the whole thing, telling me that I was beautiful and he loved me exactly as I was and then wrote completely opposite thoughts of revulsion just kills me but I can't let it color my dealings with people from now on. That was his issues more than mine and somehow I have to let it go.
We have the doctor's appointment at 3:00 today. I faxed the doctor a letter giving him a detailed history of what has happened with my son, what is currently going on and our concerns that while he be stabilized that he not be overmedicated. Justin was aware that I was doing this and had asked me to do it so I'm going to send a copy in with him as well and then sit out in the waiting room and pray like heck!
Hugs!
Kellye
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Mega, I've been watching your posts. I think once you make that break and get through the rush of emotions you're going to feel (you always feel them whether it is a planned break or not - at least in MY experience), I think you are going to feel a sense of peace. By all means, use the time to work on you, get to know yourself, nurture yourself and work a program. I highly recommend the program aspect as it has taught me so much about how my mind works and what drives the thoughts that I have. I haven't learned to not think that way..... YET! But at least now when I do have them I can step back and look at it or I can call others and get their input.
. You are so right about the "rush of emotions". I was really surprised at how sadness snuck up on me a few times (didn't think I had it in me lol). Luckily for the last couple of days, I've been able to retain a sense of calm about it all. I know not to get too comfortable with that though b/c that can all change quickly. I appreciate your advice and encouragement and agree with you that I need to nurture myself. I too think that working a program will be soooo helpful for me- especially when I'm out on my own and perhaps feeling a little lost. I will more than likely need that f2f support to keep myself in check. Good luck at the doc's today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
You're welcome. I think you're going to go through the grief process and the whole gamut of emotions. Many of them you've probably already been through while still in the relationship. F2F meetings and support are invaluable to my recovery. There is just something about seeing the understanding in another's eyes and never underestimate the power of a hug!!!!! Much as I love SR, I need that F2F interaction too!
Hugs,
Kellye
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Kellye not to hyjack your thread but I like what you said to Mega....
and Mega....starting that program now will make your transition easier
I wouldn't wait until after you leave to start.....today is a good day to begin.
and Mega....starting that program now will make your transition easier
I wouldn't wait until after you leave to start.....today is a good day to begin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Hijack away!!! It's all about recovery LOL!
Mega, she's right. Today is as good a day as any to start the rest of your life living it better and happier regardless of those around you and their actions.
Kellye
Mega, she's right. Today is as good a day as any to start the rest of your life living it better and happier regardless of those around you and their actions.
Kellye
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
