equus

I haven't really got to the bottom of this but I just got a call from my Mum to say my brother's in a right state. Apparently he went round to their house and was wearing his work uniform over his pyjamas - generally really upset because he's getting some serious bullying at work. On top of that my Mum said he's getting conned on some scam or other after being targetting in town.

So since we were about 6 yrs old here's the situation:
My parents do little if anything to help, although they do help him finacially. In fairness recently that has changed a little but only in ways that are really invasive and have put my brother off - I don't think they meant that though.

However since we were kids my Andy has been mostly my job - when we were kids that meant me beating the cr@p out of the bullies, as an adult being there, setting up what I can so he's got the most independance, total provision of social life (my job for about 17 years!!) until he started archery - which was the result of years and years of encouraging him to try something alone. D and I both do it now from help cleaning, decorating, computers, you name it!!

I've come to really value my brother in the last year - some might remember me posting about it. It hasn't seemed at all like a chore for a long while.

So why do I resent my Mum ringing me at work and dropping what sounds like a nightmare in my lap? She said very little except he needs legal advice and is losing the plot. That chore feeling has just come back - it has NOTHING to do with what I think of my brother and everything to do with the fact it's always been my job.

I put the phone down and just felt a weight of URGH!! I know I can do it, I don't mind, my plate's fairly full but has been worse in the past.

- While writing this D rang, told me it wasn't just my job anymore and to stop thinking like that! It's our job - he's our brother.

Okay - I'm blubbing!

gelfling

Yikes!!! Makes me wonder if Mum needs some excitement in her life and is stirring up the pot. How long has this situation been going on? Needing legal advice isn't something that pops up out of thin air. More to it I bet.

DesertEyes

Hey there equus,

I raised my younger brother too. Didn't do as good a job as I would have liked, but I was only 4 yrs. older.

Here's what works for me.

- Who is providing the information. Mom? I dunno about your Mom, but mine was completely unreliable. If it came from her I just ignored it, it was wrong, exagerated or fabricated.

- Thru al-anon I have learned that my brother needs to live his own life. Our relationship is twisted because I raised him, instead of us being equal siblings. That leaves me with a lot of "codie" feelings towards him, instead of healthy al-anon feelings.

- What I can do for my brother is the same that I can do for any other person in the world. Be supportive, offer assistance when _truly_ needed, listen carefuly without directing or controlling, and trust that _his_ HP will provide him the tools to handle lifes' challenges.

Mike

equus

You'll have to excuse me being blunt but Andy's HP has had one hell of a tea break!! Nope - no trust there I'm afraid.

It could be unreliable but it does sound like something pretty serious has gone off. Either way he won't be around till the weekend so we'll have to wait to find out.

My brother lives on his own, works, drives a car, I certainly didn't bring him up or try to now - in fact he was taken out of our home and sent to special school when he was about 9 and didn't come back till he was 16 (except for holidays and some weekends). He's mildly autistic with other learning difficulties (which maybe I should have mentioned) but does okay - he needs help sometimes and I just got peeved at my Mum who started to leave that to me when I was still in junior school and he was getting his head kicked in!

I guess that's why I don't sign up to al-anon, our beliefs are different - I don't view my relationship with my brother as twisted, it got bent out of shape for a while but has bounced back nicely. It's a deep and strong relationship - he's my brother and he's one of the most appreciative, honest non-using people on the planet. I think perhaps right now (a bit after the fact) it sinking in with him that we have had our plates full, but not so full there isn't room for him.

He's my family and there's no deliberation on me being there to help, he's never used it or me. Only after 30+ years I've got to start getting used to him being our brother and us being there to help!

megamysterioso

Oh EQ, I'm so sorry that this is happening and can relate to the love you must have for him and the struggle it has probably been throughout your life. My grandmother's mom passed away early and my granny was the oldest of 5. They were poor growing up and just when my grandmother got on her own and began a successful career in the 50s, she received notice that her mom had passed. She rushed home to take care of her 4 brothers- one of which has a severe case of Downes Syndrome. He was not supposed to live past age 13, but is in his 70s now!! My granny put everything she had on hold to be the caregiver to him. The love and bond between them was simply beautiful and I don't think she would have traded that for anything even when times were at their worst. God bless her and you for stepping up when no one else will.

equus

It's never been a case of being FT carer - I think we'd fight like cat and dog if it was!

I'm sorry whatever's happening to him is happening especially as doing the archery had really started to lift his confidence!! I'm not sorry for me though - I posted the OP when I was mad at my Mum, she paid a deposit for a house and made sure the mortgage was in his name then left him to it. While I was at uni he never went out except to work in a warehouse where they called him names. All those years ago the only time D came home with me we took Andy for a game of pool! D has always liked him and they stick together ganging up on me (I LOVE that!).

I do hate that Andy's life has been largely sh!t. He got bog all parenting, shut up with emotionally disturbed kids (about half of whom were psychotic if you ask me) then bunged out to sink or swim!! None of the above I did much to prevent - apart from setting up the bullies at school, perhaps it was the HP that blessed me with adrenaline that kills pain, I could fight.

I took 4 years for him to learn to drive and that was just about the only heroic thing I did. I'm quite proud of that because no-one believed it was possible but we went out in my car 4 nights a week for about 3 hours a time and he's now a very good driver!!

In short I was angry at my parents - but then long ago it did become my job and I'm better able to do it so it's stupid being angry at them now.

When I told D I did what I always do talk about 'I' and 'me' sorting it - then blubbed when I got told nope - 'we' will deal with it.

megamysterioso

Oh yeah- I understand that you were irked with your parents. You're not wrong for feeling a little frustrated. Even though you have not been a FT caretaker to him Equus, you have still contributed so much to his life when your own parents would not. I think it's admirable and I would hopefully do the same for my family member if faced with that same situation. What you've done for him and do for him is all out of love and nothing motivated by genuine love can be a bad thing. Good to be "we" hey???

DesertEyes

No prob Equus, I can see that this is causing you a lot of pain. Blunt away, we're here to listen.

Yes, all that additional information does make quite a difference. It's a very different world for someone with learning disabilities.

Lesee if I understand you correctly. Your brother has a learning disability, yet has always done good for himself. Your mother failed to give him the protection he needed while he was a child and you feel "peeved" because of that. I dunno, my feelings towards a woman who fails to protect a disabled child are way stronger than "peeved". I would be spitting mad.

I think that's just fine. I admire how you and your "D" lead an exemplary life. I have learned a great deal from reading your posts and appreciate the kindness you have shown me. The only thing that I think you guys are doing wrong is that you drive on the wrong side of the road

(p.s. I'm tyring to make a funny in american english)

I aplogize if you took my comment personally. I meant that _my_ relationship with _my_ brother is twisted. I never meant it as a reference to yours.

Your love for him is clear, and I admire you for that. I think the fact that in a world so full of hardship and injustice your brother would be so lucky as to have you for a sister is awesome.

Mike

equus

It is good to be a 'we'. The driving was the best fun and biggest bonding we'd had in years!! But it was different when we were kids - I'd just shout at him to try and get him to fit in - then he'd do something weird and school kids would start shouting 'scrap scrap scrap' back to square one!

When he went away to school he'd come home and tell me what was happening, then I'd get him to help me find whoever it was doing the bullying do beat them up when we visited the school! (Just shows how involved Mum and Dad were on these trips!). One time he wouldn't tell me who was doing it - or more precisely wouldn't point them out because the kid was a boxer and he thought I'd lose (he was a year or two older than me too). I found the kid anyway - came home telling parents I'd fallen out a tree but I did win - thanks to a tree!

equus

Thanks Mike - sorry I set off in waffle mode. I meant I was peeved at my Mum now - I was spitting mad when we were kids but it is different now. When my Mum has tried to help it's driven us both up the pole! She decided he should move last year - ye gads that was fun but thankfully he didn't move!

Actually over this year I've noticed more than ever that my brother has always been there for me too - we have had some outrageous laughs!!

susane1408

You know something Ruth? a simple statement from Phil made me realise I'd found what I had been searching for all my life; I had been struggling with job choices and household maintenance like I always have done all my life. He said " Your not alone anymore, we can deal with this"
I love being we

equus

Situation sorted!!! My brother had panicked because he'd left about 4 messages for my parents to ring him with their new number and they hadn't - he thought something had happened to them!

He is getting a very hard time at work but apparently he's not alone - it's a gang of them giving those not in the gang a rough time. The company's dreadful and trying to get them to leave to avoid redundancy payments. The payments wouldn't be due till early next year and a year in that place isn't worth the dosh.

I reminded him that he's only been unemployed for 3 months in 20 years (he's never late, never calls a sicky, never takes more than his exact break!). That went a long way to him being less scared of the dole. He's looking in the paper for another job and has agreed to contact agencies this week.

I'm very glad he's ok.

FormerDoormat

I'm glad the situation has been sorted out and your brother is ok. You're a good sis.

DesertEyes

I'm glad to hear that equus. If I had a sis I'd want her to be like you.

Mike