ilovehippos

I am so terrible!
My boyfriend was taken to the hospital due to heavy drinking and excessive bleeding(from vomiting)
He called me from the hospital to tell me that he misses me, and that he feels so bad being in the hospital, makes him feel like a prisoner. Instead of giving him encouragement, out of anger, I said.. "Well, you put yourself in this situation, so why do you complain?"
How could I say that?
He said... "Thanks for saying that... I don't need this lecture now.. I'm exhausted..."
I think he's forgetting that when he's drunk... more or less 10days out of every month, I feel sad and hurt... and when he's sober, as if nothing happened, he wants my sympathy...
I even told him (how terrible am I?) that I don't want us to go through this anymore, and that I want us to have some space... !!! I could have waited and tell him this when he's out of the hospital, but I was soooooo mad at him, that I couldn't stop myself.
He drinks himself to death, and when he's sober, he expects everything to be in his way.... as if nothing happened.
I was so mad and I still am....
I love him to death, but I know that this will keep me from being happy. He has promised me several hundred times(only.. ) that he will quit, but he hasn't and I know he won't unless he, himself. really wants it to stop.
I want to stay with him, part of me tells me that I should stay with him, but I know this will continue like a cycle every month... I need to force myself to stop. Enough is enough. I have tried my best, but I know it's not in my hands...
I must let go............
Letting go doesn't mean ,
I stop loving him....
right?
But why did I have to tell him yesterday? first day of his sober day? I should have said ... "Honey, I'm glad that you're ok... Are you ok? I love you. Let's try this again.... You can do it this time sweetie... is the hospital ok?"
BUT instead...
"I'm so mad at you. I love you very much but we have to keep distance from now on...." After ten minutes... Afraid that he will be sad, I called him back , but he didn't pick up the phone....so I didn't talk to him again.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Either way, I feel bad..
I know I know that this must stop,
and I will stop it this time.

I feel so guilty./...
Help guys!!!

What have I done?

How can I stop myself from wanting to be with someone whom I love so much?...

BUT IKNOW THAT I"M MISERABLE.... ten days(his drinking days) 7 days(withdrawl time) every month!!!!!!!!!!
how how how?

StandingStrong

When my AH and I first seperated, I found the following poem. I printed it off and I read it daily (more than once).
While I don't have the answers to the questions you asked, I thought that the following may help you.
Oh, and one more thing, don't beat yourself up so badly for what you said. They were your feelings and you voiced them. We all say things that we regret or choose bad timing. And though you feel bad for the timing - you spoke how you felt to be the truth.
I'm sure that someone much wiser than me will come along and reply to your post, but until then, maybe this will help you a bit. Letting go doesn't always mean to stop loving.



Letting Go

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.

To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.

jimhere

StandingStrong,
Actually your poem says it quite well. Detachment is the highest form of love. And the hardest to practice. Because as human beings we are attached. I have often mistaken attachment for real love.
Jim

ilovehippos

Thanks guys.....
I will stand strong.....
But it hurts....and it's hard....

kermit

Hang in there! I don't think many of us have stoped loving our alcoholics, we just do as the poem says. May I also suggest a alanon meeting? They helped me alot. ((((ilovehippos))))

mallowcup

The poem says it well. I think we have to stop and think about what loving someone really is, what it really means. We have to redefine what we thought loving someone was.

LaTeeDa

Loving him is not wrong and is not keeping you from being happy. I love my husband with all my heart and when he is hurting, it hurts me, too. But his choices in life are in conflict with my choices. I decided that I cannot be with him as long as his lifestyle is undermining my goals. And, to be quite honest, my lifestyle undermines his goals. Either one of us has to get new goals, or we will never be happy together. It's sad, but I cannot change who he is just because I want him to be something else. And vice versa. I can still love him, I just don't have to join him on his path. Maybe our paths will be closer together at some point. For now, I must follow mine. If his leads back to the same neighborhood one day, great. If not, then it was not meant to be.

Don't beat yourself over the head for being honest. He doesn't want to hear it. He wants you to feel sorry for him. You don't have to. You can follow your path. Anger is a perfectly normal emotion. If you try to stop yourself from feeling it, it will only hurt you later. Don't guilt yourself for being angry. As long as you remain true to yourself, you will get past it.

(())

L

*edit* When I talk about choices, I am talking about the choice to seek help/treatment, not the choice to drink. That has been debated ad naseum.

prodigal

I don't know how old you and your boyfriend are, but if he's young he's definitely had this problem for quite a while in order to be in such bad physical shape. One thing I will tell you that is a given: alcoholics WILL and CAN manipulate you if you allow it. They will play on your sympathies, blame you for their problems, and do whatever they need to do to keep you feeling guilty and attached.

Of course you hurt. I doubt there is a single person on this board who hasn't felt pain they've incurred as a result of being involved with an alcoholic. But love means not beating yourself over the head for another person's bad choices. You have a life. He has a life. Do you want to have a life with an addict? Do you want to marry this guy while he's active in his addiction and have children with him?

It gets to the point that you have to make the personal decision if it hurts you more to stay with him or to leave him alone until he gets the help he needs. If he chooses not to get help, you have to decide if you want to live through more of this agony. IMO, there is no human being on earth worth going through hell for and back. I started down that road, and by some miracle - and it WAS a miracle - I was able to find peace, detach, and realize I'm far happier without my alcoholic husband in my life.

Cynay

Im soooo sorry your hurting... trust me when I say I know how you feel... I think we all do.

But loving him means to let him choose what he wants in live.... the MOST important part of it all is loving you. That does not mean you dont love him, it means that you love yourself and place yourself first. After all how does the saying go.

You can not possibly love another until you learn to love and live with yourself.

His choices are just differnt then yours, it hurts yes but at the same time you need to let him choose what he want and make a choice if you want to live with it. I choose to let it go and I can honestly say after a year that it was the best thing that ever happened to both of us.

Take a break, dont beat yourself up so much.... they will use evreything they know to us to manupliate ... that is a give, you have said your peace now get some support, education and focus on YOU.

ilovehippos

thanks guys....
He was sober for 7 years.....
and he started drinking again after being with me for a year....
Is it me?
Am I so hard to be with?
I feel guilty-but I got to move on, force myself to move on...
Hopefully, after a year or so, I feel good as you feel now...I'm so proud of you all......
Thanks guys!!!
It really helps alot!!!

ICU

The potential for relapse can happen at any time. So no, it's not you. Their drinking is never about you! It's about them!

ASpouse

This may be more true than you think if you continue going the way you're going, you probably will just love him until he dies.

FWIW, I think you did the right thing and you've obviously done this before, because he considers it just "quacking" on your part, and it sounds as if it is. Empty words with nothing to back it up.

Threats and ultimatums do make an alcoholic stop drinking. You can choose to live with this or you can choose not to live with it.

If you are going to say such things to him, be prepared to do it. If you aren't, then say nothing at all.

robina

"Detachment is the highest form of love." (I like that!)

At my first Al-anon meeting someone mentioned "loving detachment" and I reacted negatively to the idea that I would have to detach from the alcoholic in my life.

I realize now that loving detachment is not rejecting the person. You simply switch the focus from saving, rescuing, obsessing about the person to setting good boundaries and keeping yourself healthy.

ilovehippos

I like that....
"You simply switch the focus from saving, rescuing...." (I don't know how to use the quote button...)

I just spoke to my alcoholic again...
Does it ever happen to you guys too that whenever you have a sober minute, you want to express how frustrated and desperate you are to AH?
I couldn't stop being so mean to him again....
I told myself to breathe and to calm down before I call, and as soon as I heard his voice, a voice that's SOBER, I went angry?
How terrible am I?
Oh gosh.............
I feel so hopeless.....

equus

I expressed a great deal of frustration to my hubby! He even responded to it - felt lower, more inadequate, worth a little less. Pretty much the same way I can feel with someone venting frustration at me!

For me it was simple 'attachment' was the 'my' part - the things I wanted for me. Love isn't about what I can keep or will happen tomorrow - it's appreciation and pleasure of what is, the person. It may have been simple but it took a long time for that penny to drop - when it did I knew love doesn't hurt but attachment does - that can hurt like hell.

Grasshopper

Not hopeless!! You have that spark,even though that spark is anger,its still a spark.To be honest i can really relate to you.When i first came to recovery,rooms,i needed to --talk--talk---talk-to my fellows.I had so much pent up anger,resentments,,inside.Someone telling me to detache,or attache,went on deaf ears.I needed to say exactly as i was feeling,and thinking and get all that "stuff" out.Before i could become clear,clam,inside,and willing to let folks help me.Do you have a trusted friend who will listen?Who you can trust,to just hear you?It took me years to get to the point in my life where i couldnt say a nice thing to hub.I needed to air out my stuff.,to another.Even in hearing myself,talk,the real stuff inside of me,i knew that i needed help,recovery.Then i was able to hear others who have been where i was,and helped me with my recovery.It was then i was willing to listen to others,and how they are recovering.This is my own personal experience here...smile..
My prayers are with you,
God Bless,

brdlvr2

Don't feel bad. Your post is very similar to my story. About 2 or so years ago, my xbf was at his first rehab. Got sick in there and ended up on a venilator (sp) for a week. I was there everyday to be with him. Doc told him that due to his drinking and not taking care of himself a cold or broncitus ended up putting him in the hospital and on a breathing machine. He drank a few days after getting out of rehab. For the next year or so and still, he has been in and out of the hospital so many, many times. Always, always after drinking. His health is bad yet he drinks. At first I would feel bad for him, call and check up on him, pick him up from the hospital. but after awhile, I did not. He'd call much like your friened does and would say the same thing, I don't need this now, I didn't call to be talked to like this, or I'm sorry but I'm trying etc. I came to realize if he didn't care about his own health and knew what drinking was doing to him, then why should I care as much as I did. Sad to say, to me it got old. I'd see the hospital number on caller ID and I just knew who it was and what happened. I still care about him and I hope he finds a way to get sober. I pray that he stays out of the hospital and takes care of his health, but what can I do? Really, if a person wants to drink, they will and nothing will stop them. Don't beat yourself up. It's a normal reaction to being hurt. And yes, it does hurt to see them do this to themselves - I know.

brdlvr2

One more thing. I was with my xbf on and off for 3.5 years. It has only been in the last month or so, maybe less that I can talk to him when he calls and not go to instant anger. I can relate to what you wrote. I did feel bad and wondered why just the sound of his voice - even sober would make me mad. I guess I was protecting my heart. I knew that if I was nice, or let my guard down or even said I'm thinking of you, he'd find a away to get to me again and I'd go right back to him. I also was mad that due to alcoholism and choices he made, I could not continue to see him (my choice after along time of the whole range of emotions - good and bad)

megamysterioso

((ilovehippos))

It is NOT your fault. YOU did not cause him to resume drinking. It is nearly impossible I've found to offer "support" when you have been lied to time and time again. I also found it very difficult to have sympathy for any "pain" my AH may have been in at the time due to HIS drinking. That IS the hard reality of it and you were right when you said, "he put himself there." Don't feel guilty or ashamed. IT IS THE TRUTH.

You seem to understand that YOU are the only one that can stop the cycle. And you are absolutely right--- it is a vicious cycle. I HAVE approached my husband in his sober moments and had sincere heart-to-hearts about how alcoholism is KILLING our relationship. I tried every tactic in the book to "make him see the light." NOTHING worked or will ever work. Everyone has to make his/her own decisions in life. Although you feel you are trying to "help" him, continuously standing by his side and enabling him is only making his relapse easier for him.

Please realize that you are only in control of YOUR actions and not his. Free yourself from that burdensome way of thinking and your heart will become lighter. Find your peace that you deserve. Hugs, hugs and hugs.

ilovehippos

thanks guys.....
Yesterday, he cried on the phone...saying,
"If I were you, if you were in the hospital sick, I would have gone there in a split of a second... I can't believe that you're not here. I feel so lonely..." Blah blah blah...(We're in long distance... I live 8 hours away from him(by flight)
My response... "Oh yes of course, your majesty."
I have my phone turned off now. Don't want to deal with it for a couple of days...Although I'm worried and dying to hear his lovely sober voice which I don't get to hear so much....

Does it ever come to your mind that we might be addicted too? to our alcoholic husbands? I found myself repeatedly calling him trying to have myself heard, how hurt I am, and how unhappy I am with him, yet, I find myself more and more into him as days go by, and I find myself inseparable of thinking of him.... Is it just me?
It's always about him....
When he's drunk... "I can't do this, I ''m so drunk and so exhausted..."
When he's sober... "I can't do this, I'm so sober... and so exhausted... I took so many pills..."

I know I know!!!!!!!
I'm saying it all...it's obvious what's best for me.. To leave this behind and start living my life... My life.... Not his life...or not my life evolving around his. but simply, my life...
Mine...

But it really hurts...
But I guess having my phone completely off is a good start... right?
slowly but surely, getting there.... thanks guys!!!!!!!