GettingFree

Yes, it happens all the time and love or relationship addiction is incredibly common, but not talked about nearly enough in those terms. I've been there. Remaining in destructive or chaotic relationships that fail to meet our needs or going from relationship to relationship is often much more about a need for love than about love itself, about a fear of being alone (hence we are afraid to break the attachment) and a need to have our own self-worth come from someone else than from inside of us.

You said that you are an 8-hour plane ride from your bf. I don't know the whole of your circumstance, and while long-distance relationships sometimes become enduring relationships, more often they are characterized by unmet needs, heartache, longing and frustration. Choosing and becoming involved with people who are unavailable and unable to meet our needs, in any number of ways emotionally or physically, is a classic characteristic of love addiction.

Looking at why we make these choices, and why we expose ourselves repeatedly to more pain or abuse in the hopes of being loved, takes a lot of courage and honesty. It's hard work, as is any recovery. And that's exactly what it is, a recovery process from an addiction -- but it is an addiction that we came by honestly, stemming back to big holes left in our very early lives by not being valued or loved as children. When huge needs go unmet for so long, we can spend a lot of time trying to get them met, in very unhealthy ways -- just like any addict. And if you do the work, the rewards are wonderful, and you can eventually develop the ability to have a healthy loving relationship between equals.

It sounds like you've already made the first important step by questioning if what you're feeling is healthy. That's a great sign.

You might want to check out the Women In Recovery board and a couple of threads on relationship addiction and abusive relationships. I posted there a few book titles. if you're interested in reading anything on this, here are some names:

Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer;

Facing Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody;

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

best,
gf

megamysterioso

I do know exactly how you feel. I'm in a very transitional place in my relationship right now and I too KNOW what is best for me. I want my life to be my own and I want my relationship to be a partnership. I don't have children and I told my AH the other day when he began to question where he was to go when I move out, "you are a full grown man like you've so expressly told me time after time so you should be able to care for yourself. I'm not your mother, I don't want to be your mother- I want a life partner!" It's so difficult, but we have to cut the cord for our own sake.

ilovehippos

Thanks guys...

My alcoholic called me yesterday from the hospital, crying and very mad at me..
"Why aren't you here, you're my partner, my family, and why aren't you here? I feel so lonely?"
-Why can't he ask himself this while he drinks? Yes. I too want a partnership, I don't want a baby to spoonfeed.

Loneliness has become my bestfriend while being in a relationship with my alcoholic. His endless binge drinking, and his long withdrawal period- It's all about him.

But at the end of the day, I sit down and think about all the wonderful memories we have shared together-(or course, when he's sober), tears well in my eyes and I can't stop asking myself..."Where did it all go wrong?"

What's sad is that I will never know, that I will never be able to answer this question.
He really is a wonderful man. He will always be.... But I must let go.......

Yes, you're right, long distance unhealthy relationship is worse than anything, because of lot of frustrations, and lack of communications.

Feeling sad again... and missing my alcoholic. I wonder if this is what it feels like when he's drinking...missing beer, and vodka...... like I miss him....

Thanks guys.....
Confession:
although I was so mad at him for asking me to come there for feeling so lonely, immediately after our phone call, I started looking for flights.... silly huh? and after an hour or so, I had to stop myself....

It will all be alright, right?

GettingFree

It sounds like he uses his drinking as a tactic to control and manipulate you. He drinks, he suffers, and then expects you should be there to soothe him when he's hurting as a result of his own choices. Or more accurately, by his absence of choice to seek help for his addiction and commit to recovery.

No doubt his pain is real. But it is a classic addict's tactic to make you responsible for the pain he feels by not rushing to his side (on an 8 hour-plane ride, no less) -- and then crying and attacking you for not doing so. Yes, right now, it is all about him and he'll pull out anything he can, including tears and tantruming to get HIS needs taken care of, even if makes YOU feel like crap. That is not love. And right now, he IS sober.

Addicts can cycle between being charming, engaging, attentive and sweet and the the kind of blaming and hostile behavior your bf is showing right now. Both can be manipulative, and particularly in a long-distance relationship that lacks the reality of a day-in/day-out ongoing relationship, it can be hard to know what's real.

It sounds like you have more than alcohol here as a problem -- and that when he's 'sober' he's also using. What kind of pills is he using? To what extent? Do you know him when he's truly sober?

Wikipidia says: "Addiction is a compulsion to repeat a behaviour regardless of its consequences."

This is the compulsive nature of addiction. You feel driven to behaviors that lead you closer to the 'DOC'. And while giving you your 'fix' for a bit, the consequences of going to him will be harmful for both you and for him.

Harmful for him, because you are enabling him by not letting him face the full consequences of his actions. The pattern continues: he drinks, he feels pain, you rush to support him. It's called enabling. As said earlier in this thread, detachment is love. By going, you'd be actually doing something more self-serving and not loving: you'd be fulfilling your own needs to avoid the pain of being alone which seems unmangageable to you now.

Harmful for you because you're tempted to do anything to avoid feeling those feelings -- including dropping everything, disrupting your life, and booking no doubt a very expensive plane ticket to attend to something that has happened before, and most likely, will again. Sound reasonable?

Harmful for you because you're enabling the very behavior that causes you such pain. Harmful for you because you're trapped in what seems from out here your own addiction.

It will only be alright if you want it to be. Just like your bf will only get sober, and stay sober, if he wants to.

If you continue the dance with him, you're almost certainly set up for exactly more of the same. There's no indication from anything you've written in this thread that this man has any intention of committing to a genuine recovery path. Add in the enormous challenge of doing this long-distance and you're going to be very far from the kind of partnership you want.

Only you can decide when you're 'bottomed out' -- when you've had enough pain and need to start your own recovery -- so you can have the life, and full relationship, you really want, rather than seeking crumbs of something in the hopes of experiencing just a very very small glimpse of it in small pieces.

best

gf

ilovehippos

Thankyou Getting Free for your support....

Why am I always so mean to him on the phone?
I don't know why.
As soon as I hang up, I regret it, but it feels as if the pain I had gotten while he drinks, I want to do the same when he's sober?
Could it be?

GettingFree

The answer is pretty simple. You're angry. With good reason. And you want him to know how angry you are and how much he's hurt you. And the two of you seem caught in a back-and-forth of attack and defend.

As to feeling badly afterwards, none of us likes ourselves much when we lose control and attack or behave meanly. And so we're caught with a double-bind.

You're not a bad person for having these feelings, or having the desire to hurt those who hurt us. It's part of our fight-or-flight response hard-wired into us. In a healthy relationship, we learn how to express anger and hurt without attacking or hostility. It takes a lot of trust and practice -- and yes, love. And in a healthy relationship we develop a history of dealing with conflict constructively, which leads to greater trust, reducing the need to attack, etc.

As important, in a healthy relationship with ourselves, we learn how to look at our anger and understand the cause and get it out in ways other than exploding anger bombs. Most of us have a lot of anger inside stemming from a whole lot of situations -- and when we don't address it directly and have other outlets for it, it will come out in ways we regret.

But right now you're in a double-bind. You have all this anger stored inside -- for good reason. There's no resolution to the problem causing the intense anger and hurt in this situatuion, you get more frustrated, the anger erupts, and then you beat up on yourseslf for behaving in a hurtful way.

A crazy cycle huh? But everything you're feeling is totally valid. It's what you're going to do about it is the question.

gf

ilovehippos

Thanks Gettingfree....

It is so hard to detach....
I feel I'm really addicted to him hurting me....
Took my phone off the hook, but wanting to call him badly.... I guess I'm needing his attention, since I feel it's always about him...
Wish me luck, and thankyou so much for your support...

GettingFree

Like with any addiction, you have to take this one day at a time. It's really hard to change your focus (from wanting to call, etc) but you can. I've been there, and so have lots of us. You CAN do this. Just keep asking yourself, "Is this really what I want? Is this what it feels like to be content and fulfilled in a relationship? Is this really what I had in mind when I signed up for this relationship?"

Do you have friends, family or a support network around you? Can you get together with them? Can you get out of the house/apartment, even if it's just going for a walk? What else can you do to put your attention on something else - -what do you like to do?

Also, have you ever thought about therapy or counselling? It may be a good time to get some individual face-to-face support. This is a hard thing to go through and you might be able to better sort out what your options are and what you want to do.

Also, as others have suggested, looking up alanon meetings in your area could be a good route to get support as you go through this.

gf