what makes me what I am.......
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
what makes me what I am.......
Gypsyrose asked me in another thread, what makes me what I am, I appear to be a tough cookie!
Well, first of all my "toughness" I truly believe is my "wall". If I put up this wall, only the very chosen through can find he entrance. Is this Good? or Bad? Probably a little of both.
I certainly cannot sit here and write "what makes me what I am?" as for me that question is as elusive as "What came first? The chicken? or the egg?"
I do know I have been through lots of tough stuff in my life, not as a kid, but as a young adult. My upbringing was good, I'm sure there were things that went on that shaped my personality, but nothing serious, nothing earth shattering. I had good parents, they took care of us, taught us well. They also made mistakes. I was never sexually abused or molested by any relatives and have a pretty loving upbringing, nothing out of the norm. I lost my younger brother 20 years ago to alcohol & drug addiction in a car accident. I have an older sister I adore and an older brother who is probably the most horrid human being on earth. People say we are a lot alike, we probably are.
I was always known as the sweet one. The one who had so much potential and at some point in my life I decided I hated being known as that .... the bitch girls had so much more, so much more excitement, they were the cool ones, they had it all.
Let me tell you, I worked very hard at being the type of person who could be called a 'bitch' and I loved it. Today I don't so much.
I got married, divorced, lived with an abusive alcoholic for 8 years, moved out, lived on my own, remarried my ex-husband (also an A at the time), had kids, lost my 3 year old son to brain cancer, went through years of living with an active A who is now recovering. Had another child at 43 years old, saw my husband go through rehab, lost a long term job at age 46, looking for some stability since then. Went through therapy and Al Anon, learned a lot, need to learn much more.
I breed dogs, I am criticized by many in the "dog world" and some love me. Am I tough, yes I am and my body armor is tough, but it does have it's chinks and when I see folks controlling, enabling and trying to validate why an alcoholic does what they do, well it makes me angry because it doesn't matter why they do what they do.
Of course you will have the men of science give it a scientific name, others will use God to validate it. Does it matter really? They are doing something that disrupts the lives of others and those "others" need to do something for themselves to help them live a good and productive life.
So, in the nutshell, that's my story .....
Well, first of all my "toughness" I truly believe is my "wall". If I put up this wall, only the very chosen through can find he entrance. Is this Good? or Bad? Probably a little of both.
I certainly cannot sit here and write "what makes me what I am?" as for me that question is as elusive as "What came first? The chicken? or the egg?"
I do know I have been through lots of tough stuff in my life, not as a kid, but as a young adult. My upbringing was good, I'm sure there were things that went on that shaped my personality, but nothing serious, nothing earth shattering. I had good parents, they took care of us, taught us well. They also made mistakes. I was never sexually abused or molested by any relatives and have a pretty loving upbringing, nothing out of the norm. I lost my younger brother 20 years ago to alcohol & drug addiction in a car accident. I have an older sister I adore and an older brother who is probably the most horrid human being on earth. People say we are a lot alike, we probably are.
I was always known as the sweet one. The one who had so much potential and at some point in my life I decided I hated being known as that .... the bitch girls had so much more, so much more excitement, they were the cool ones, they had it all.
Let me tell you, I worked very hard at being the type of person who could be called a 'bitch' and I loved it. Today I don't so much.
I got married, divorced, lived with an abusive alcoholic for 8 years, moved out, lived on my own, remarried my ex-husband (also an A at the time), had kids, lost my 3 year old son to brain cancer, went through years of living with an active A who is now recovering. Had another child at 43 years old, saw my husband go through rehab, lost a long term job at age 46, looking for some stability since then. Went through therapy and Al Anon, learned a lot, need to learn much more.
I breed dogs, I am criticized by many in the "dog world" and some love me. Am I tough, yes I am and my body armor is tough, but it does have it's chinks and when I see folks controlling, enabling and trying to validate why an alcoholic does what they do, well it makes me angry because it doesn't matter why they do what they do.
Of course you will have the men of science give it a scientific name, others will use God to validate it. Does it matter really? They are doing something that disrupts the lives of others and those "others" need to do something for themselves to help them live a good and productive life.
So, in the nutshell, that's my story .....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Thanks for sharing with us. It does seem like it's much easier to get through life with a tough exterior. I do my best to give off that impression, but I am so soft it's not even funny!
I can't imagine the kind of pain you went through losing your son or your brother. It had to have taken a great deal of strength to make it through it.
There are no excuses why A's inflict such chaos on the ones they love. It seems like it is a blameless addiction to me. We can't blame them because it's a disease, we can't blame ourselves because we 'can't make' them drink. It's all very confusing and painful to me.
I can't imagine the kind of pain you went through losing your son or your brother. It had to have taken a great deal of strength to make it through it.
There are no excuses why A's inflict such chaos on the ones they love. It seems like it is a blameless addiction to me. We can't blame them because it's a disease, we can't blame ourselves because we 'can't make' them drink. It's all very confusing and painful to me.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
What are you?
When I tried to answer that question I realised I was a work in progress taking from wherever I saw something I wanted.
Your past is hard, it's not you making something big out of it - it is hard. You remind me of D in many ways, he cuts himself no slack and that's served him well up to a point. But I think now he has to learn to show himself the compassion he shows others and let go a little - like breathing, in and out; one without the other is troublesome!!
We both have years of working with animals and that taught me lots, it taught me lots about what place anger has and where it damages, it taught me lots about patience and rythm - also about waiting a year or two sometimes for things to work out and acceptance when they don't. Most of all animals taught me to be gentle and have boundaries, that they can and should co-exist. Animals have taught me a whole pile on humility!!
My childhood was interwoven with people near the end of their life, by the time they came to be sleeping six to a room in our boarding house most things had been lost. I learned there about human worth - the thing not lost and about last chances. I honestly believe I served as much of a purpose to those men as they did for me. While I needed family love they needed a last chance to give it and to be able to give it from wherever they were at, for it to have no responsibility attached just whatever could be given. I learned people come and go, but then they were lodgers and I had no expectation other than that. I spent a long time wishing I could walk back into that long smoke filled cafe that wrapped me in a special love - this year I learned WHAT was special about that love; it was without attachment, it was valued each day for that day, it was given freely both ways. You know it fed me my self worth through years of verbal abuse, rejection and sometimes physical abuse. People society deemed worthless gave me the courage to chase my dreams long after they had died, gave me words to live by. I still remember the only time old Don was angry with me - he pushed his long fingers under my chin and held my head up - he told me to keep it there and not to walk round looking at the floor. He shouted (quietly - if you know what I mean) "You hold your head up, you walk tall, you don't never let this head drop looking at the floor, KID YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP ALL YOUR LIFE." He knew I understood.
All I can tell you is how I learned who I was, a work in progress with my eye on who I want to be and knowing my life is mine.
I am the author of my characters script, my life has never been and will never be a tradgedy, I have found joy in all places, I am a survivor, I have a love of life that is insaciable, I am alive, I am human, I am part way through my story, I respect my past and am glad for all it taught me but I look forward to new lessons and expect that I will always change. My counsellor told me to say goodbye to the things that now do me harm, but to say goobye to them fondly - as I would old friends that once helped me.
I can't tell you what makes you who you are - all I can offer is how I answrred that question for myself. I am Ruth.
When I tried to answer that question I realised I was a work in progress taking from wherever I saw something I wanted.
Your past is hard, it's not you making something big out of it - it is hard. You remind me of D in many ways, he cuts himself no slack and that's served him well up to a point. But I think now he has to learn to show himself the compassion he shows others and let go a little - like breathing, in and out; one without the other is troublesome!!
We both have years of working with animals and that taught me lots, it taught me lots about what place anger has and where it damages, it taught me lots about patience and rythm - also about waiting a year or two sometimes for things to work out and acceptance when they don't. Most of all animals taught me to be gentle and have boundaries, that they can and should co-exist. Animals have taught me a whole pile on humility!!
My childhood was interwoven with people near the end of their life, by the time they came to be sleeping six to a room in our boarding house most things had been lost. I learned there about human worth - the thing not lost and about last chances. I honestly believe I served as much of a purpose to those men as they did for me. While I needed family love they needed a last chance to give it and to be able to give it from wherever they were at, for it to have no responsibility attached just whatever could be given. I learned people come and go, but then they were lodgers and I had no expectation other than that. I spent a long time wishing I could walk back into that long smoke filled cafe that wrapped me in a special love - this year I learned WHAT was special about that love; it was without attachment, it was valued each day for that day, it was given freely both ways. You know it fed me my self worth through years of verbal abuse, rejection and sometimes physical abuse. People society deemed worthless gave me the courage to chase my dreams long after they had died, gave me words to live by. I still remember the only time old Don was angry with me - he pushed his long fingers under my chin and held my head up - he told me to keep it there and not to walk round looking at the floor. He shouted (quietly - if you know what I mean) "You hold your head up, you walk tall, you don't never let this head drop looking at the floor, KID YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP ALL YOUR LIFE." He knew I understood.
All I can tell you is how I learned who I was, a work in progress with my eye on who I want to be and knowing my life is mine.
I am the author of my characters script, my life has never been and will never be a tradgedy, I have found joy in all places, I am a survivor, I have a love of life that is insaciable, I am alive, I am human, I am part way through my story, I respect my past and am glad for all it taught me but I look forward to new lessons and expect that I will always change. My counsellor told me to say goodbye to the things that now do me harm, but to say goobye to them fondly - as I would old friends that once helped me.
I can't tell you what makes you who you are - all I can offer is how I answrred that question for myself. I am Ruth.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
was your husband an alcoholic when you were married the first time? and still drinking when you married him the second? Then there was one you just lived with in between?
What happened first, you starting to help yourself? your ah going for help? or was it at the same time?
You've suffered some huge losses in your life, I am very sorry.
What happened first, you starting to help yourself? your ah going for help? or was it at the same time?
You've suffered some huge losses in your life, I am very sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Ladies, I think you all are wonderful and awesome children of the HP. My life has been enriched by having met you. Thank you for being such a shining example of recovery.
Mike :-)
Mike :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
The progression ....
Sunshine,
I married my husband in 1978. He was the bad boy, he was (in my mind) going to teach me how to live, how to be free, how to have fun. Was he an alcoholic at that time? I honestly don't know, but he could drink and do drugs and we did lots of them. I divorced him in 1980.
In 1979, I was bartending and met another guy. Oh my God, he was gorgeous, funny and another fun guy to go to the bars with. I lived with him for 8 years. That was when I truly saw the damage that alcoholism causes.
In 1986, after he beat me up in a drunken rage, he didn't remember thing, I found my own apartment the next day. When he came home from work I told him. He saw my face and asked me "what happened to you?" I told him he beat me up .... he didn't remember a thing. He was in a full blown black out. During that relationship I honed my co-de behaviors quite sharply. I would sit up all night, watching out the window to see what kind of shape he'd be in when he was coming home (we lived within walking distance of all bars). Oh yes, I was the co-dependent extraordinaire. He would bring other women home to our house when I was there. He would bring them to where I was working. He didn't care and I was the cowering idiot over there in the corner. Finally, the day came and I moved out and never looked back.
I lived on my own for 2 1/2 years. Honestly, the best years I ever had. All the choices I made pertained specifically to me and me only. I was not recovering or anything at that time, surely I would be fine and I would never involve myself with another alcoholic again ... no way in hell.
....... however, I got together with my ex-husband again in June of 1989. It was June 13, 1989 and I remember this because this was the day he was released from prison. Conditions of his parole were AA and NA, all of his charges stemmed from drug use and alcohol use. BS really, but the law is the law and they had been lenient enough over the years. Was he an alcoholic when he was released .... probably not and 1/2 a beer would make him pass out at that time. No booze for 5 1/2 years you know. But oh no, I was a bartender on weekends, so of course he came, met all kinds of people that were bad for him and within I'd say 6 months, he could drink with the best of them. We got married on 2/10/1990 again. We would go out and drink and on Friday nights we'd go to specialty stores and look for some odd booze that we never heard of just to try it. God, I can remember one night we were trying to make the perfect "Snakebite" shot. We lined up 20 shot glasses and drew lines on each shot glass at different levels to decide how much Yukon Jack and how much lime juice. If we ever made the perfect one I'll never know, we were too drunk to know. We used to go to bars that served "Florida Shots" ... sort of like a triple shot just because .... bartenders, Christ we knew them all and they knew us. Oddly, I could drink or I didn't need to. I never ever got addicted to it, to this day I don't know why, I just never had a problem with booze, still don't, but I rarely drink now.
We bought a house, had my daughter in 1991 and my 2nd son in 1995. In 1997 my son was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. You think that takes strength? You have no idea. I pulled on strength that I didn't even know I had and to this day I'm still not sure if I had to I could summon that strength again. When my husband was in the hospital with my son, I'd bring him a six pack and a pint of blackberry brandy. I was so worried about him dealing with it and this was how I knew he could deal with it. I pushed him along on his path to alcoholism, although I did not force him to drink.
Our son died in 1999. That was the incident that led my husband to his bottom, although he still did not reach it until 2003. Our second son was born in 2000. Our lives went on during this time, miserably for the most part, but we moved forward. Him drinking and me enabling. He would drive my daughter around drunk, he visited me with our newborn in the hospital drunk where I had to walk him out, I had minor sugery after the birth of our 2nd son and he picked me up drunk from hospital, couldn't even stay with me, there was no liquor in the hospital of course. I begged, pleaded, threatened, talked to family, friends, clergy. The answer was the same. If he didn't want to help himself, there was nothing anyone could do. Was I angry? You bet I was ...... having learned those great co-dependent skills back in the early 80's this answer was unacceptable to me, with one very simple exception ....... I had KIDS! They were my motivation to do something to step away from the dance and I did, making a 360 degree turn to the opposite of any behavior I had ever done before. He needed help, I refused. He wanted to get to rehab, not by me. I did absolutely nothing for him. I didn't cook for him, wash his clothes, buy food for his lunch. That boy was on his own, we were married in name only.
I guess about 2 weeks before he went into rehab on his own, I called a counsellor and found Al Anon. Truthfully, I didn't care for Al Anon much, but I stuck with it. The counsellor too. It was painful, very painful.
Even when my husband was in rehab, he would call me and every time he called me I told him I hated him, I didn't love him at all and his response "sell the house and we'll split the proceeds". You see, he didn't beg me, he didn't want me to stay if I didn't want to. The only difference was I loved him, I was trying to get him to beg me and even in his lithium enduced haze to prevent seizures, he would not beg me. My husband won't beg someone for something if they don't want to give it.
Not everything is rosy with me, we have financial problems and communication problems ...... but at the core of both of us is the simple fact that we love each other, with all of our faults, with all the lies, with all that we don't have and want, we quite simply love each other. This is not something that we even realized until after our recovery. During the chaos, there was no way to know, to understand the love we truly have for each other. Believe me, there are some days I really can't stand him and I know he feels the same .... but for the most part I like to hope that we are on the same page.
I cannot say if we would still be together if he continued to drink and I continued to enable. I would guess not, but I really can't say.
Cheers to all of you who endured this very long story that makes me part of who I am.
I married my husband in 1978. He was the bad boy, he was (in my mind) going to teach me how to live, how to be free, how to have fun. Was he an alcoholic at that time? I honestly don't know, but he could drink and do drugs and we did lots of them. I divorced him in 1980.
In 1979, I was bartending and met another guy. Oh my God, he was gorgeous, funny and another fun guy to go to the bars with. I lived with him for 8 years. That was when I truly saw the damage that alcoholism causes.
In 1986, after he beat me up in a drunken rage, he didn't remember thing, I found my own apartment the next day. When he came home from work I told him. He saw my face and asked me "what happened to you?" I told him he beat me up .... he didn't remember a thing. He was in a full blown black out. During that relationship I honed my co-de behaviors quite sharply. I would sit up all night, watching out the window to see what kind of shape he'd be in when he was coming home (we lived within walking distance of all bars). Oh yes, I was the co-dependent extraordinaire. He would bring other women home to our house when I was there. He would bring them to where I was working. He didn't care and I was the cowering idiot over there in the corner. Finally, the day came and I moved out and never looked back.
I lived on my own for 2 1/2 years. Honestly, the best years I ever had. All the choices I made pertained specifically to me and me only. I was not recovering or anything at that time, surely I would be fine and I would never involve myself with another alcoholic again ... no way in hell.
....... however, I got together with my ex-husband again in June of 1989. It was June 13, 1989 and I remember this because this was the day he was released from prison. Conditions of his parole were AA and NA, all of his charges stemmed from drug use and alcohol use. BS really, but the law is the law and they had been lenient enough over the years. Was he an alcoholic when he was released .... probably not and 1/2 a beer would make him pass out at that time. No booze for 5 1/2 years you know. But oh no, I was a bartender on weekends, so of course he came, met all kinds of people that were bad for him and within I'd say 6 months, he could drink with the best of them. We got married on 2/10/1990 again. We would go out and drink and on Friday nights we'd go to specialty stores and look for some odd booze that we never heard of just to try it. God, I can remember one night we were trying to make the perfect "Snakebite" shot. We lined up 20 shot glasses and drew lines on each shot glass at different levels to decide how much Yukon Jack and how much lime juice. If we ever made the perfect one I'll never know, we were too drunk to know. We used to go to bars that served "Florida Shots" ... sort of like a triple shot just because .... bartenders, Christ we knew them all and they knew us. Oddly, I could drink or I didn't need to. I never ever got addicted to it, to this day I don't know why, I just never had a problem with booze, still don't, but I rarely drink now.
We bought a house, had my daughter in 1991 and my 2nd son in 1995. In 1997 my son was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. You think that takes strength? You have no idea. I pulled on strength that I didn't even know I had and to this day I'm still not sure if I had to I could summon that strength again. When my husband was in the hospital with my son, I'd bring him a six pack and a pint of blackberry brandy. I was so worried about him dealing with it and this was how I knew he could deal with it. I pushed him along on his path to alcoholism, although I did not force him to drink.
Our son died in 1999. That was the incident that led my husband to his bottom, although he still did not reach it until 2003. Our second son was born in 2000. Our lives went on during this time, miserably for the most part, but we moved forward. Him drinking and me enabling. He would drive my daughter around drunk, he visited me with our newborn in the hospital drunk where I had to walk him out, I had minor sugery after the birth of our 2nd son and he picked me up drunk from hospital, couldn't even stay with me, there was no liquor in the hospital of course. I begged, pleaded, threatened, talked to family, friends, clergy. The answer was the same. If he didn't want to help himself, there was nothing anyone could do. Was I angry? You bet I was ...... having learned those great co-dependent skills back in the early 80's this answer was unacceptable to me, with one very simple exception ....... I had KIDS! They were my motivation to do something to step away from the dance and I did, making a 360 degree turn to the opposite of any behavior I had ever done before. He needed help, I refused. He wanted to get to rehab, not by me. I did absolutely nothing for him. I didn't cook for him, wash his clothes, buy food for his lunch. That boy was on his own, we were married in name only.
I guess about 2 weeks before he went into rehab on his own, I called a counsellor and found Al Anon. Truthfully, I didn't care for Al Anon much, but I stuck with it. The counsellor too. It was painful, very painful.
Even when my husband was in rehab, he would call me and every time he called me I told him I hated him, I didn't love him at all and his response "sell the house and we'll split the proceeds". You see, he didn't beg me, he didn't want me to stay if I didn't want to. The only difference was I loved him, I was trying to get him to beg me and even in his lithium enduced haze to prevent seizures, he would not beg me. My husband won't beg someone for something if they don't want to give it.
Not everything is rosy with me, we have financial problems and communication problems ...... but at the core of both of us is the simple fact that we love each other, with all of our faults, with all the lies, with all that we don't have and want, we quite simply love each other. This is not something that we even realized until after our recovery. During the chaos, there was no way to know, to understand the love we truly have for each other. Believe me, there are some days I really can't stand him and I know he feels the same .... but for the most part I like to hope that we are on the same page.
I cannot say if we would still be together if he continued to drink and I continued to enable. I would guess not, but I really can't say.
Cheers to all of you who endured this very long story that makes me part of who I am.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
Judy, I am awestruck. Your open eye and open heart love for your husband, your self and the REALationship between you is inspiring. Your strength and honesty endearing. I am saddened by the loss of your little boy, I cried. I can see how the wall was built and I see also that it is slowly coming down. It is very nice to meet that part of you. Thanks for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I was happy to share ..... I am glad I can share it without the raw emotions that each of these incidences had at the time. Time truly does heal all wounds if we allow it to. I try now to confront my demons and believe it or not, and now don't anybody spit all over their keyboard, I am a very non-confrontational person in the flesh! Honest, I really am.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Judy - you already are an incredible woman!!!
I'll be brave with some guess work - but it is only guessing so if it sounds wrong it probably just is wrong!
I think you needed to survive and became the person it took to do that, something I don't think you should regret (I'm very glad you did!!). I think maybe now you want the other facets of you to be seen and grow, I think maybe now life has changed and what worked then isn't as successful as things have changed - and SO MUCH has changed.
You're a survivor 'When the going gets tough the tough get going' I've got a hunch those words ring in your head sometimes too? I say to D sometimes that you could drop me in Iraq in my underpants and I'd survive, I'd solve each problem I needed to to be in a slightly better position than I was 5 minutes ago and even if briefly I considered giving up I wouldn't. Sometimes when I come across people that aren't like that I can be jealous, what it would be like to let go and have the whole world and his wife come rescue me - only mostly I notice that doesn't last long. I can be angry because life taught me there is always some way so they SHOULD find it. BUT I have been lucky to always have that belief and confidence, I can't imagine being me without the part of me that knows I can make life better for myself. Working with kids that have truly had lives from hell has taught me that not everyone has that, working with children when one kills themself taught me there is no SHOULD or SHOULDN'T that's more important than human life. Being angry when someone is afraid is no more effective for a person than it would be for a dog, if people are angry with me when I'm afraid I don't process it well enough to make use of it.
Your life has been hard, what you needed then you might not need now. You can afford to take a deep breath and let the parts of you that you ENJOY grow, rather than what you need just to survive.
You're not one thing, you're not one trait, you're not defined by any single factor and if someone thinks you are then they are wrong - you are Judy, a survivor, honest, strong, thoughtful, changing, a good Mum, a loving wife, a dog owner, a whole person who has the right to keep growing and changing.
Please don't let what you needed so long ago eclipse all the rest of you - 'cos we like you.
I'll be brave with some guess work - but it is only guessing so if it sounds wrong it probably just is wrong!
I think you needed to survive and became the person it took to do that, something I don't think you should regret (I'm very glad you did!!). I think maybe now you want the other facets of you to be seen and grow, I think maybe now life has changed and what worked then isn't as successful as things have changed - and SO MUCH has changed.
You're a survivor 'When the going gets tough the tough get going' I've got a hunch those words ring in your head sometimes too? I say to D sometimes that you could drop me in Iraq in my underpants and I'd survive, I'd solve each problem I needed to to be in a slightly better position than I was 5 minutes ago and even if briefly I considered giving up I wouldn't. Sometimes when I come across people that aren't like that I can be jealous, what it would be like to let go and have the whole world and his wife come rescue me - only mostly I notice that doesn't last long. I can be angry because life taught me there is always some way so they SHOULD find it. BUT I have been lucky to always have that belief and confidence, I can't imagine being me without the part of me that knows I can make life better for myself. Working with kids that have truly had lives from hell has taught me that not everyone has that, working with children when one kills themself taught me there is no SHOULD or SHOULDN'T that's more important than human life. Being angry when someone is afraid is no more effective for a person than it would be for a dog, if people are angry with me when I'm afraid I don't process it well enough to make use of it.
Your life has been hard, what you needed then you might not need now. You can afford to take a deep breath and let the parts of you that you ENJOY grow, rather than what you need just to survive.
You're not one thing, you're not one trait, you're not defined by any single factor and if someone thinks you are then they are wrong - you are Judy, a survivor, honest, strong, thoughtful, changing, a good Mum, a loving wife, a dog owner, a whole person who has the right to keep growing and changing.
Please don't let what you needed so long ago eclipse all the rest of you - 'cos we like you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
It scares me now that it could've so easily been me that ended up with an addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Your welcome Patty ..... I forgot to mention in October of 1998 I lost my father also. The day after we buried my father, we were told my son's cancer returned.
I really never grieved the loss of my father.
It seemed I was "dancing" as fast as I could, like a marathon dance contest, and only now it seems as if the dance is winding down. I'm tired .... emotionally I'm just plain ole' tired and would love to have some peace in my life, even for a short while.
I really never grieved the loss of my father.
It seemed I was "dancing" as fast as I could, like a marathon dance contest, and only now it seems as if the dance is winding down. I'm tired .... emotionally I'm just plain ole' tired and would love to have some peace in my life, even for a short while.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
That makes sense Judy......I lost my dad and financee left me all in 10 days,
3 years ago...I was dancing as fast as I could with as many people that would
endulge me....I have paid the price since.....I am looking forward to that slow dance.
3 years ago...I was dancing as fast as I could with as many people that would
endulge me....I have paid the price since.....I am looking forward to that slow dance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I too have lost a son just 2 years ago. he was 18 years old and died of a stroke. the bad part is I feel I havent been able to greive him properly and have been feeling really guity. You see, my AH has so taken up my life I have no time for nothing else in my head I cry silently and also look tough on the outside. No one I work with has a clue what happens behind closed doors. My AH is very emotionally violent and blames me for everything in his life.
I've been going to Al-anon for about 8 months. Finally asked someone to work the steps with me. It seems to work on everyone else and I feel I am going nowhere.
I'd love to leave for a few days but I also know my AH would hurt himself or someone else if he did.
In his mind, I am always with someone else if I am not with him. He even directs the underwear that I wear. if I am not at my desk when he calls,,,,, he demands to know where I am, etc. etc.
Paranoid is putting it lightly and I dont know what to do?
I expected to go to Al-anon to find out how to cure my A but I guess I need to cure myself. Then I get sooooo angry because I didn't do anything and I am paying all of my AH's consequences..........
I've been going to Al-anon for about 8 months. Finally asked someone to work the steps with me. It seems to work on everyone else and I feel I am going nowhere.
I'd love to leave for a few days but I also know my AH would hurt himself or someone else if he did.
In his mind, I am always with someone else if I am not with him. He even directs the underwear that I wear. if I am not at my desk when he calls,,,,, he demands to know where I am, etc. etc.
Paranoid is putting it lightly and I dont know what to do?
I expected to go to Al-anon to find out how to cure my A but I guess I need to cure myself. Then I get sooooo angry because I didn't do anything and I am paying all of my AH's consequences..........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by KarenM
I'd love to leave for a few days but I also know my AH would hurt himself or someone else if he did.
And by the way, welcome. This is a wonderful place. I am so glad I found it. I hope you will be, too. If you start a new thread, more people will see it and respond. That way you won't get lost in this one.
Glad to have you here,
L
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