What are you?
When I tried to answer that question I realised I was a work in progress taking from wherever I saw something I wanted.
Your past is hard, it's not you making something big out of it - it is hard. You remind me of D in many ways, he cuts himself no slack and that's served him well up to a point. But I think now he has to learn to show himself the compassion he shows others and let go a little - like breathing, in and out; one without the other is troublesome!!
We both have years of working with animals and that taught me lots, it taught me lots about what place anger has and where it damages, it taught me lots about patience and rythm - also about waiting a year or two sometimes for things to work out and acceptance when they don't. Most of all animals taught me to be gentle and have boundaries, that they can and should co-exist. Animals have taught me a whole pile on humility!!
My childhood was interwoven with people near the end of their life, by the time they came to be sleeping six to a room in our boarding house most things had been lost. I learned there about human worth - the thing not lost and about last chances. I honestly believe I served as much of a purpose to those men as they did for me. While I needed family love they needed a last chance to give it and to be able to give it from wherever they were at, for it to have no responsibility attached just whatever could be given. I learned people come and go, but then they were lodgers and I had no expectation other than that. I spent a long time wishing I could walk back into that long smoke filled cafe that wrapped me in a special love - this year I learned WHAT was special about that love; it was without attachment, it was valued each day for that day, it was given freely both ways. You know it fed me my self worth through years of verbal abuse, rejection and sometimes physical abuse. People society deemed worthless gave me the courage to chase my dreams long after they had died, gave me words to live by. I still remember the only time old Don was angry with me - he pushed his long fingers under my chin and held my head up - he told me to keep it there and not to walk round looking at the floor. He shouted (quietly - if you know what I mean) "You hold your head up, you walk tall, you don't never let this head drop looking at the floor, KID YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP ALL YOUR LIFE." He knew I understood.
All I can tell you is how I learned who I was, a work in progress with my eye on who I want to be and knowing my life is mine.
I am the author of my characters script, my life has never been and will never be a tradgedy, I have found joy in all places, I am a survivor, I have a love of life that is insaciable, I am alive, I am human, I am part way through my story, I respect my past and am glad for all it taught me but I look forward to new lessons and expect that I will always change. My counsellor told me to say goodbye to the things that now do me harm, but to say goobye to them fondly - as I would old friends that once helped me.
I can't tell you what makes you who you are - all I can offer is how I answrred that question for myself. I am Ruth.