StandingStrong

I know that I've mentioned it here before how my house generally reflects my state of mind. If I'm unsettled about something, my house shows it. The better my frame of mind is, my house shows that too.
Well, last year ah quit paying our mortgage and was going to allow the mortgage company to foreclose. A lot of things blew up in my life around this time and the stress was overwhelming!!!! Anyways.....it ended up that ah signed a quit claim to the house and I refinanced it myself. This was really huge for me as I was really nervous and scared that I'd not be able to pull it off (as some of you may recall, I have mentioned that ah does not help out on a regular basis with financial stuff for the kids - as well as I dont have a great paying job, etc) Last year, I did manage to get a few things done that needed done - such as draining the septic tank, getting the chimney pipes replaced (though ah helped me do that during his time of effort), got the porch posts replaced and my Dad replaced the rain cap for me. These weren't big items, but they were necessities.
This year will mark the one year anniversary of when I took over the house. And I have been feeling lately that I need to take personal ownership of it. I have noticed that when ah mentions the house, he refers to it as "your house". I still refer it to it as "our house" or "the house" when I am talking about something concerning the house. I have also come to realize that there are many memories in this house of ah - and not all are good ones either.
When we bought this house, there were many things that I had hoped to change. We bought this house about 11 years ago and most of the things I had on that "want to change" list have not changed. This is one of those things that bring me a negative feeling.
So, to take personal ownership of the house - I have been making plans! I have already picked out the paint colors I plan to use in the family room as well as my bedroom. In the bedroom, the bottom half of the wall is paneled. Ah would never allow me to paint that paneling - he didn't believe in painting any type of wood or paneling - and truly, there is nothing wrong with the paneling. I just have had the same colors in my bedroom since I was 2 years old and I want something different - this year, my best friend and I will be working on my room and I'm going to paint the paneling!!! (Even if I hate it, I swear I will claim to love it!!! lol) I have also ran into some issues with the front of the house - having to remove the front porch and the brick that is half way up the house, etc due to the poor job that was done when the house was built. My Dad suggested we use vertical siding along the front of the house as I've been unable to find siding that matches the siding I already have to replace the brick. Not only will this make the house appear differently - it will also give me the opportunity to get rid of a glass stained window that I have always hated as well.
There are some other things as well that I hope to do - but you get the point.
I think that perhaps if the house looks different, it will feel different. Perhaps if I can get done some of the things that I have wanted done for all these years, it will feel more like MY home. And also - maybe it would make it easier for ah as he claims that it's hard for him to leave when he's here. Perhaps then it won't feel like his home. (And there is a part of me that wants to do this as well to show him that I can do it!!! since he didn't do it while he was here all those years).
Anyways.....Jazzman is the major remodeler of the crew here - maybe he has some ideas for me????? LOL

I am looking forward to getting some of these things done. As I said, my house tends to reflect my inner mood and feelings. So I'm thinking that perhaps if I start changing my surroundings - perhaps my feelings will change as well. (Reverse psychology?? lol)
So, anyways, just wanted to share with you all as I am probably going to need the motivation (as I really don't feel it even though I want to do it). And will be needing to actually ask people to help me which I'm not good at doing - Im such the independant brat. LOL But I'm also hoping that this will be a stepping stone for me as well on the road of my recovery as well as personal growth. It will take me months to get everything done - but Im making my plans now while it's still too cold to do anything major anyways.
I'm on the road to taking personal ownership now - and it feels odd. Good in many senses, odd in others.

StandingStrong

I just read my post and saw this:
See what I mean????????

Oh, sidenote I forgot to mention - there has been a big tree in my front yard that has caused me some concern. Ah and I had discussed getting it removed for years as we were afraid the roots would hit the new septic we put in a few years ago. However, we never had the money to have it taken out.
Just a few weeks ago, there was a notice on my door from the county saying they'd like to take the tree down as it was split and they didn't feel it was safe. For one thing, the tree was not split - but I called them and they came out and cut the tree down for FREE!!! My new neighbor next door came over and asked if he could have the wood as he has a woodburner. He and about 6 of his friends came over, split it up and took the wood - and even cleaned up everything!!!
Another neighbor had known last year that I wanted the tree removed but couldn't afford it, he had told me he would call me in a favor as he had a friend on the county board. At the time, I told him to not worry about it as I hadn't gotten the house in my name yet and wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it, etc. I'm thinking he called in that favor for me!!!!! LOL

So that's been sort of my motivation. A reminder of sorts.

I noticed after ah and I had split up - I had been really showered with a lot of blessings. Things happened that first year that I started to really rebuild my faith as some of them were just beyond coincidence. I felt they were signs.
So, I'm thinking that the timing of spring - the neighbor needing the wood - it all was free - etc added in with my new realizations of ah and I's relationship are maybe trying to tell me something.

It's time to start getting back to ME and taking ownership of this house and focusing on MY life and MY surroundings.

sunshine003

That all sounds so wonderful standing strong!! I bet it'll make you feel better to. It really is a HUGE step in moving forward! I applaude you

ICU

I'm just like you. When my home is a mess, so is my mind. When my home is in order, well, ok, 'ya got me on that one! Generally speaking though, my housekeeping habits reflect my state of mind. Whew! Slid by on that one!!

I think your crucial milestone was getting the house in the first place! That was a huge accomplishment!!! I would think everything else you want to have done should be relatively easy by comparison!

When I made changes in my home after my ex left, it didn't change me, but rather reflected an aspect of my personality. I guess maybe my creativity was sparked again. That motivated me to do more.

I remember painting two coffee tables. I primed and wanted a high gloss in black for the finish. It somehow didn't turn out right; don't know why. Instead of getting the flawless finish that I was looking for, the black paint didn't mix with the primer and it gave a splotchy look. Af first my heart sunk, but then when I looked closer, the black and white swirls and varying textures made it so interesting to look at, a one of a kind, and here's the best part....created by little 'ole ME!!! So what if it didn't work out the way that I had planned, I think it came out better!

Have fun with it, knock your socks off! And if you make a mistake, so what? It's an opportunity to learn, to express yourself, and that creativity will make you feel good!

And the most important point of all.....Jazz is right!!! Painting works!!!

I wish you luck with all your painting and non-painting projects!!!!

ASpouse

Is that why my house has it's messy days and it's excessively neat and everything in it's place days? Hmmm, I'll have to give that some thought it makes a lot of sense.

.......... and I thought it was just because I was being lazy and tired of picking up after everyone!

denny57

this has also been my experience! i believe they are blessings, too. and i find the more i accept them, the more come my way. it's nice.

sadface

Standingstrong, I feel the same way you do. It has been 14 mos. since I separated from my AH. When that happened, I thought I was going to end up living in the streets. I couldn't afford the house payment. One year later I am still here. Last fall, I started taking classes to get my license for a part-time job which I did get. With my two jobs, and the little bit my AH gives me, I have a little bit of a savings now. I also am looking forward to start working on my house to reflect the real me. Not chaos. Things do get better slowly by surely.

Jazzman

Remember, I got the color coordination brochure for the complete idiot and asked my artsy neighbor to tell me what to do!
And you want my ideas?!?!?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

I don't think you really do. Just get started painting. It really does work!<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

BTW, there was wood paneling in the home I grew up in for years. My Mom got sick of it and painted it white and it came out great! Actually, my Mom is the one that taught me how to paint. We use to do a lot of painting together.... just realized that... weird. It must have worked for her too?<o:p></o:p>

StandingStrong

Thanks for the replies - I apologize that my posts were so long. I guess I just have so much I want to do. A part of me is so excited and yet I dread the work - lol. Or maybe a part of me hates that I'm going to end up doing this all myself - when I wanted it done for so long and ah never did it? I don't know - maybe it's a combination of things.

I just feel that this house needs to feel like MY house. This house looks just like it did when ah lived here. There are reminders everywhere. And as with our relationship (my seeing and tending to focus on the things that he DIDN'T/DOESN'T do), I guess I just look around here and see all that he didn't do. And honestly, it's not just the cosmetic stuff either - there are things that really have to be done (like removing the porch)
I know that I am resentful that the loan I had to get was almost double the amount we originally mortgaged the house for (he is very bad with finances), and then to have so much stuff that needs to be done - and I guess I feel somewhat guilty about wanting the facelift. But yet - I really think that it needs done - for me.

Anyways...I'm hoping for nicer weather soon so I can get started. Maybe once I get started, it will help to keep me motivated.

Thanks again for the replies - like I said, I may need a few pushes this summer to actually do this stuff.

megamysterioso

That sounds very exciting and I'm sure it will lift your spirits after it is all done. It is always great to be able to sit back and enjoy the fruits of own's one labor. Very rewarding indeed.

Pick-a-name

S.S. You sound GREAT!! Such and inspiration to me. I can relate so very much with what you are saying and feeling.......I'm slowly starting to come around,too. In fact, I broke down and did a bit of "clean-up" already this morning (I've been in a bad funk lately and frankly, I didn't care to do anything but the basics...my daughter,too and we are the only two living here right now).

I am very glad all seems to be going along well, and yes...the "blessings" are just that, I think! Seems as if there is lots of love coming your direction! Maybe this is an example of "the Lord helping those who help themselves"...?

Whatever; keep posting..and thanks, I really needed to hear this today. You really helped! Hugs! (not drugs!ha....my daughter's t-shirt today; seemed appropriate!)