BayouSelf

When my AH moved out five months ago (was still drinking at the time), I had been in Al-Anon for about a year and I started going to open AA meetings with my Al-Anon sponsor because her husband was attending those meetings. The open AA meetings gave me a whole new perspective on the disease and made me a little more compassionate and not so angry with my AH and I started seeing a whole different side of the alcoholism. Because of the jealousy of my AH, he started following me to the meetings and started coming with me. Since getting into AA, his whole personality changed, he's very mean, cold, hateful to me and he told me he no longer wants me to attend HIS meetings because he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with me there which is understandable. I told him that I would only go to meetings once a week on the night that he does not go. He said I have no business in his meetings and I belong in Al anon. Before he ever started going, I made some very good friends in those meetings and had been going to some after meeting fellowships and I do not intend to stop being friends with these people. Last night, AH was out of town, so I went with my sponsor and her husband to the meeting and we went to eat afterwards. My AH text messaged me and said "Well, did you find out how I am doing?" I told him that I did not ask. I already know how he's doing, he shows it to me every day with his actions. Someone there broke my anonymity which is really sad. I think me going to his meetings and being friends with those guys either intimidates him or threatens him in some way. He's scared they may find out he's not doing so well after all and puts up a good front. I told him to stay in his garden and I'll stay in mine. He told me my garden is at Al-Anon not AA. What do you guys think? Is he just being a bully?

cwohio

if you get something out of going to those meetings, then i say go. they are open for a reason - for all of us to understand better the disease. if he feels so threatened, he could go to a closed meeting couldn't he? sounds like "quacking" to me.

denny57

Yes.

I think you made a reasonable compromise by not attending when he is there. That is too bad someone broke your anonymity, but don't let it keep you from going. I have also found attending open AA meetings very helpful to me. Not only in understanding the disease, but it lets me see how many people have turned their lives around. Seems like your AH is a work in progress, as we all are. You have a right to work your recovery in whatever manner you wish. Good luck and hang in there.

BigSis

He sounds afraid. Perhaps now that he knows these folks, he is afraid you will spill something that might show the "real" person he is. We all play a role sometimes, and it may be that his "role" at AA is not the same as who he is at home. I am sorry he is not further along in recovery, but he is where he is....

I don't know how big is your town, or how many meetings you have available, but if this is one of his only places where he is comfortable, and you fit in at a few places...then it does seem "fair" to me that you might be able to drop this AA meeting and pick up another one somewhere else.

That's just my perspective from what you wrote... take what you like...

Live

jeez....my exbf even disabled the car so I couldn't get to Al-anon. I really think you are plenty fair about going on the night that he doesn't go. That isn't about him, it is about you. Just sounds like a control manuever to me. Quack.
And really, mostly likely people can see through and they know the truth anyway, you aren't outing him.

Pick-a-name

I understand what you say about the open AA meetings.I feel the same way. In my mind, you have accomodated his wishes by going his "off" night and with your sponsor and her husband,to boot.

Whatever is the "problem": it is about him...maybe with whom or how he spends his time that he doesn't want you to know.....that is the thought that came to me. Whatever it is; or even if he is afraid you will talk badly about him (in that case, I am sure he will find after a few weeks that isn't a concern for him) it is about him.
Like you said, if he is afraid you will find out he is just giving lip-service to his recovery.......you know that; maybe he doesn't believe that. All his issues.

If it were the meeting in the next town...would he care? Just curious.........not saying it should effect what you do for you. Listen to your sponsor would probably be my "advice".

Probably just more QUACK,QUACK,QUACK!!!!!!

Good luck.

You sound good.

splendra

open meetings anyone can go it is the closed meetings that are for alcoholics only...

BayouSelf

Yes, we live in a rather small town. There is another AA meeting in town, but it is in a pretty rough part of town that I would never go to at night by myself, very dangerous part of town. I had been going to these meetings for a couple of months with my sponsor and even went to a superbowl party and out to eat a few times with some of the people in this group before he even got into the group. I don't go that often and only when he isn't there. He told me that he heard from someone in the group that sometimes Al-Anons go to those meetings and end up dating someone they meet there. I thought "Oh yes, just what I'm looking for, the next Alcoholic to marry". I'm still trying to save my marriage, not looking for the next one. How sick is that? I think it may be one of three things:

1. He is spending a little more time with one of the females in the group than he probably should be (being married and all) and he doesn't want me to know. It truly does not matter to me if he is as we will be divorced in 2 months, the way things are looking right now.

2. He is afraid I will blow his "cover"

3. He is afraid I may meet someone being I am so lonely and vulnerable right now (which is what he thinks I am right now).

The problem is, I know the real reasons I go and it is to understand the disease that has ripped my world completely from underneath me and to recognize my patterns of why I become involved with people like him because I never want to do this again.

aasharon90

Hi, I'm Sharon and I'm an Alcoholic.

This is just my thoughts. My suggificant other is not an Alcoholic nor ever will be. He and his family were the ones to do the family intervention on me way back when. We did the family session in rehab together to break the ice to them and let them see what I had become. An Alcoholic. From there my other learned about Alanon. It was said that when one is affect with this disease of Alcoholism everyone in the family is affected. My husband did attend SOME Alanon meetings, just enough to learn a few words, one like DETTACHMENT. It was a way he learned a few things to help himself live with someone in recovery. That is why there r other recovery programs available for family member so they can work THEIR own program. My family came to a few of my birthday meetings but that was all. And this is just my opinion or my speculation, which i know i shouldn't do, but......I don't think my husband woulded feel comfortable attending AA meetings mainly because living with one alcoholic in recovery is enough. So I think. I wouldn't got to Alanon mainly because i would hate to hear how they r suppose to detache themselves from the ones they supposeively love. And no telling what else they say about us Alcoholics. But hey, if it help a marriage stay together, then so be it. Sadly im the only one working a somewhat halfway decent program in this marriage and thus we have our own share of mis-understandings. Even at 24 yrs. marriage. : ) Anyway....
Would ur husband be willing to come to Sober Recovery and sharing his story with us? Maybe with the 2 of u working ur own programs others can see if its working and be inspired by sharing ur Experience, Strengths and Hopes with them? Just a suggestion of course.

Thanks for letting me share.

BayouSelf

I appreciate and respect your suggestion, but sometimes with only going to Al-Anon, unfortunately some of the people end up very angry and hate the alcoholics in their life, have no compassion for them and do not understand what it is they go through. I felt by my occasionally attending open AA meetings that it would help balance out my feelings. I have learned compassion and understanding through attending those meetings and it has helped me lose a lot of resentment towards my AH. Sometimes hearing and seeing the miracles in AA first hand, gives me hope and knowledge that sometimes marriages work out, sometimes they do not. It helps me with the acceptance part and remember, I never attend a meeting unless he is NOT there, so it should not affect his recovery whatsoever.

Freewolfman

People who are walking the walk & not just talking the talk don`t care who goes to whatever meeting !! With Love for All ; Mark .

BigSis

Is that how it would work for you? If he came to every Anon meeting when you were gone? Sharing HIS stuff with folks with whom you have spilled your guts?

For me, having my husband in my program WOULD affect my recovery.

I totally understand going to meetings to get the other side of the story - I urge folks here to go upstairs to the other forums for that very reason. Hope is fleeting and difficult to find in this horrible disease.... AA is a good place to find some.

But we who love addicts do have our own meetings, and I have attended Alanon meetings that were not very healthy, and did not have a lot of long-term recovery... and there was a lot of anger and hate and rage. Those meetings are not conducive to how I want my recovery to be... so I have discovered other Alanon meetings where the makeup of the group gives me what I need.

If there is infidelity in your marriage, either of you going to the other's meetings will not stop that. It will happen in or out of the meetings for whatever reason it is happening. That issue is separate from the one of which program each of you attend.

Perhaps just agreeing to stop attending the AA meetings for some period of time would be a good compromise and a way to treat him the way you would like to be treated... with respect and love - without sacrificing your needs.

AA is for those who desire to stop drinking.
Alanon is for those of us for whom someone else's drinking bothers us.

Perhaps allowing your AH to make that program wholly and entirely his will be the path he needs to get sober, make amends and start living life on life's terms. I hope so. What a brighter future that might bring.

As always, when I start getting into my opinions on stuff... take what you like and leave the rest. It is only my opinion. I do wish you well.

dax

AA has OPEN meetings for this very reason- so anyone connected with an alcoholic can attend. It is HIS problem if he doesn't want you there. Go to the meetings and ignore his selfish anger and wish to control. My husband has 27 years of sobriety. He didn't want me going to open AA meetings- and he ended up having a long time affair with a woman in the program. Just a little prospective here. I should have gone to some anyway- might have got a little insight to to all the going ons. So go if it is helping in your recovery. I agree - If I ever decide to divorce my husband , I
would never date or have another relationship with an alcoholic so that really this should not be an issue with him.
dax

Zoey

I might suspect he is is wanting to drink, and is looking for a way to blame you.
Yes, Dax could be right.

I think also it would be very hard in a small town, to have SO going to the same group.
Unless they want to take SO.

Take what you can use and leave the rest.

Minx1969

I say go..

I attended (and still attend) open AA meetings. I think they are wonderful for learning compassion and more about the disease of alcoholism..

I think you are doing the right thing by going with your sponsor (trust me..I get the predatory thing..Got my share of stares from "wolfish" men..but I didn't let that stop my recovery..

I didn't hook up with anyone in AA..took a year off dating in general...

It's just as much YOUR fellowship as it is his..You just keep working on your recovery with your sponsor and leave him to his..

As someone said it's "quack quack quack"...

In our fellowship we have joint couples AA/Alanon meetings and lots of join events..just the way it is here..

if someone had a problem they go to other meetings..

we have a beginners Alanon meeting before a HUGE (300 people) open AA meetings and we actually get alot of people from AA who come..I think it is an eye opener for them as well..

denny57

This seems to me to be a contradictory statement. Blue has said the open AA meetings are helpful to her recovery. Would he not show respect and love by supporting that need? I continue to think the compromise has already been made - attending open AA when he is not there. To do otherwise is again giving into the demands of the A. If Blue were to say she would not welcome him at Al-Anon meetings, then I would have a different opinion.

mallowcup

If he would like you not to go, I'd respect that. I think I might feel guarded or restrained if my spouse were with me. I think the satisfaction for an alcoholic is to go and receive benefit from going.

Pick-a-name

That is the same thing I found to be true,also. (I just need to be sure I don't become "too" compassionate for the A's plight at the riskof taking my focus off of my own recovery.) I find the leads of those in TRUE recovery to be a very spiritual and inspirational thing.

I guess I am also assuming these open meetings are like the ones I go to..........maybe they are not and therein lies the problem. I go to open speaker meetings where there is little "cross-talk", at least until after the meeting and on an informal basis. We go in, usual opening readings, etc and then a speaker will get up and share his/her own story of E,S,and H.

BayouSelf

[QUOTE=BigSis]Is that how it would work for you? If he came to every Anon meeting when you were gone? Sharing HIS stuff with folks with whom you have spilled your guts?


I don't share at open AA meetings, I just listen for knowledge and understanding of the disease. At this point, I could really care less about things he has done. If he has done something worse that I don't know about already, it would surprise me. Even if he has committed adultry, nothing would surprise me at this point. I'm not sure what he is afraid of.

BayouSelf

In the beginning of his recovery AH would attend all of my Al-Anon meetings and I had no problem with it whatsoever. It did not bother me that he came to my meetings. I would share in front of him with no problem. It takes honesty to be able to do that.