My AH says I can't go to open AA meetings.
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Clancy46
I might suspect he is is wanting to drink, and is looking for a way to blame you.
Yes, Dax could be right.
I think also it would be very hard in a small town, to have SO going to the same group.
Unless they want to take SO.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Yes, Dax could be right.
I think also it would be very hard in a small town, to have SO going to the same group.
Unless they want to take SO.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
He told me he is having a very difficult time, wanting a drink and he is blaming everything on the fact that I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. He says that is what is making him want that drink. I know better.
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
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[QUOTE=Pick-a-name]That is the same thing I found to be true,also. (I just need to be sure I don't become "too" compassionate for the A's plight at the riskof taking my focus off of my own recovery.) I find the leads of those in TRUE recovery to be a very spiritual and inspirational thing.
Believe me when I tell you there is nothing spiritual about what my AH is going through at this time. None of the spiritual people that I know would cuss me to the moon and back for going to an AA meeting that he was not in attendance. I just think he's struggling and I pray for him every day. I hope one day he can feel the hope that I feel.
Believe me when I tell you there is nothing spiritual about what my AH is going through at this time. None of the spiritual people that I know would cuss me to the moon and back for going to an AA meeting that he was not in attendance. I just think he's struggling and I pray for him every day. I hope one day he can feel the hope that I feel.
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I really appreciate everyone's response. It's been very interesting to see both sides. However, if you really think about it, had anonymity not been broken, he would never have known I was even there, and I don't speak at meetings, so its not like I would have been sharing anything negative about him. It just really disappoints me that one of his new AA "friends" told him I was there. I feel I did nothing wrong, but try to help myself.
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Paulie used to always tell me...what other people think of me is none of my business...that would be especially true with me if someone were cussing me and telling me what to do....this isn't about him and you have made it oh so clear that this is part of your recovery...and aren't we always told to mind our own recovery first? Keep on keeping on......and many blessings to you
live
live
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
[QUOTE=bluebayou]
I am sorry....I know THAT feeling,too. My AH is still drinking and filed for divorce (after 27yrs) after we had an intervention for him......yes, he is angry and blaming,too and pouting big-time! A temper tantrum that only a 51 yr old "functional" alcoholic executive could pull........ugh! (It hurts, but it is also so inane!)
What I was referring to is the reason I sometime go to the open AA meetings or listen to leads/speaker tapes online sometimes (that is another idea that may be a compromise, that I had forgotten! You can hear them on your computer without going to his group. Is that a consideration?)
The spritual, uplifting part is hearing a greatful humble member share his/her story about what it was like and what it is like now...... USUALLY AWESOME!
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
That is the same thing I found to be true,also. (I just need to be sure I don't become "too" compassionate for the A's plight at the riskof taking my focus off of my own recovery.) I find the leads of those in TRUE recovery to be a very spiritual and inspirational thing.
Believe me when I tell you there is nothing spiritual about what my AH is going through at this time. None of the spiritual people that I know would cuss me to the moon and back for going to an AA meeting that he was not in attendance. I just think he's struggling and I pray for him every day. I hope one day he can feel the hope that I feel.
Believe me when I tell you there is nothing spiritual about what my AH is going through at this time. None of the spiritual people that I know would cuss me to the moon and back for going to an AA meeting that he was not in attendance. I just think he's struggling and I pray for him every day. I hope one day he can feel the hope that I feel.
I am sorry....I know THAT feeling,too. My AH is still drinking and filed for divorce (after 27yrs) after we had an intervention for him......yes, he is angry and blaming,too and pouting big-time! A temper tantrum that only a 51 yr old "functional" alcoholic executive could pull........ugh! (It hurts, but it is also so inane!)
What I was referring to is the reason I sometime go to the open AA meetings or listen to leads/speaker tapes online sometimes (that is another idea that may be a compromise, that I had forgotten! You can hear them on your computer without going to his group. Is that a consideration?)
The spritual, uplifting part is hearing a greatful humble member share his/her story about what it was like and what it is like now...... USUALLY AWESOME!
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Hi blue,1--you say you never attend a meeting unless he is not there,so it should not affect his recovery.
2--You feel also thay these meetings are aiding your own recovery.
3--You feel you did nothing wrong,but try to help youself.
1-blue you cant make this decision for him.Truth,is,he has told you that youre attending these meetings is affecting him,and he is upset and has asked you not to continue coming to "his" meetings.Although as alcoholics we learn not to blame others for our thoughts/feelings,it is a learning process.The alcoholic is raw,has thoughts/feelings,that are new to him/her.In fear big time.In time will learn how to walk the walk to talk the talk.As he is growing learning a new way to live,down the road,he may happy that you come to these meetings.The newcomer feels that they are his/her meetings.Thats a very common feeling/thoughts.This is their home.I felt the same way also,when i was new.My meetings...smile.As you have been to these meetings long before him,you know by what others have shared,what it was like in their beginnings,of their soberiety,what im sharring should be no surprise.And that there is no annominity at open meetings.All can come.No one can actually stop anyone from coming to open meetings.
2--You feel that these meetings are in "aid" of your own recovery.
To the alcoholic meetings are their ----life-line---.Where in order to get well-er,they must feel the fellowship,comfty,not threatened.3--You feel you did nothing wrong,but try to help yourself.And this is true.You have every right to believe this,and feel this way.To heck with those who actually have the disease of alcoholism right?Walk a mile in my shoes.Its better to understand than be understood.There is a time.a time to help myself and a time to be compassionate towards others and to give.
Both my hub and are are alcoholics.We dont go to each others meetings.Not even open ones.Some couples do of course,when both have agreed no one is threatened by going.
Im praying that your man will go to the other meeting in town.He will learn in time,not to let others bother him to the extent that he allows them to now.Not to give so much power over to others.He will learn in time.In both recovery programs AA and Al-anon,we learn to help others.This is a big aid to ones recovery.
best to you both,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!
2--You feel also thay these meetings are aiding your own recovery.
3--You feel you did nothing wrong,but try to help youself.
1-blue you cant make this decision for him.Truth,is,he has told you that youre attending these meetings is affecting him,and he is upset and has asked you not to continue coming to "his" meetings.Although as alcoholics we learn not to blame others for our thoughts/feelings,it is a learning process.The alcoholic is raw,has thoughts/feelings,that are new to him/her.In fear big time.In time will learn how to walk the walk to talk the talk.As he is growing learning a new way to live,down the road,he may happy that you come to these meetings.The newcomer feels that they are his/her meetings.Thats a very common feeling/thoughts.This is their home.I felt the same way also,when i was new.My meetings...smile.As you have been to these meetings long before him,you know by what others have shared,what it was like in their beginnings,of their soberiety,what im sharring should be no surprise.And that there is no annominity at open meetings.All can come.No one can actually stop anyone from coming to open meetings.
2--You feel that these meetings are in "aid" of your own recovery.
To the alcoholic meetings are their ----life-line---.Where in order to get well-er,they must feel the fellowship,comfty,not threatened.3--You feel you did nothing wrong,but try to help yourself.And this is true.You have every right to believe this,and feel this way.To heck with those who actually have the disease of alcoholism right?Walk a mile in my shoes.Its better to understand than be understood.There is a time.a time to help myself and a time to be compassionate towards others and to give.
Both my hub and are are alcoholics.We dont go to each others meetings.Not even open ones.Some couples do of course,when both have agreed no one is threatened by going.
Im praying that your man will go to the other meeting in town.He will learn in time,not to let others bother him to the extent that he allows them to now.Not to give so much power over to others.He will learn in time.In both recovery programs AA and Al-anon,we learn to help others.This is a big aid to ones recovery.
best to you both,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!
Last edited by Cap3; 04-02-2006 at 07:11 AM. Reason: adding to.
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Originally Posted by Cap3
And that there is no annominity at open meetings.All can come.No one can actually stop anyone from coming to open meetings.
Originally Posted by Cap3
To heck with those who actually have the disease of alcoholism right?
Originally Posted by Cap3
We dont go to each others meetings.Not even open ones.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
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Hi,denny,well i give it a guess being alcoholic myself why he is so concerened.read my post above.He,s new.Newcomers have lots of fears.Real and unreal.When ever did an alcoholic make sence?Thats why we come to alcoholics meetings,open and closed.To learn that our best thinking,got us to the rooms.lol.
Im an alcoholic.Didnt know it for years though,because i compared my amount of drinking to hubs.I understand where other al-anons come from.Im not comparing pain,.You are understanding it as i am,but im not.However there are meetings for us all,and there is a reason that there are different meetings for the different folks.Does it hurt to be considerate of others?If working recovery programs we learn that its not.It helps us to help others.In our beginnings of recovery,my recovery comes first and formost.Eventually though i learn to give to others too,.Helping others has been a huge aid in my own recovery.
Im an alcoholic.Didnt know it for years though,because i compared my amount of drinking to hubs.I understand where other al-anons come from.Im not comparing pain,.You are understanding it as i am,but im not.However there are meetings for us all,and there is a reason that there are different meetings for the different folks.Does it hurt to be considerate of others?If working recovery programs we learn that its not.It helps us to help others.In our beginnings of recovery,my recovery comes first and formost.Eventually though i learn to give to others too,.Helping others has been a huge aid in my own recovery.
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Well, I tought I might add this for a little insight... My AH ONLY attends the open meetings and he goes three nights ONLY a week. He NEVER attends the CLOSED meetings because he says those are too boring because they are doing step work. He knew I liked attending the open ones, so those are the ones he goes to. He doesn't have to go to the closed ones because he knows that I CANNOT attend those. Sounds like more of a control issue, don't you think. He has told me that he refuses to eat, breathe, and sleep AA like some of those old timers in there. Believe me when I am telling you, I only go to the very rare meetings, maybe once or twice a month, usually only the birthday eating meetings, speaker meetings or conventions. I only went Friday night because I knew he was out of town and I was having a REALLY bad day and my sponsor would have rathered me be at that meeting, then in an unhealthy bar looking for the next alcoholic to fill my loneliness. Hope this helps you see the whole story, but I do understand both sides. I'm just having a hard time right now too and my sponsor brought me to that meeting, she felt to help me when I was down and lonely (because my husband had decided to go out of town "to get drunk and probably sleep with his ex-girlfriend). He's doing what he has to do right now and I'm doing what I have to, to get healthy.
On a tear
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Location: Volcano Country!
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Blue... I get it. I really do. No one "owns" a meeting. And to be honest, in my early recovery, I also preferred the AA meetings.
For me, going to an AA meeting is very much like going into a bar.....What was true for me (And may NOT be true for any other body anywhere) is that I liked the AA meetings not only because they offer hope, but because I have been attracted to alcoholic men since before time. For that matter, I love alcoholic women, too!
Open alcoholic meetings were often far more interesting than my Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are mostly women (not all, but mostly). Often angry, hurt, tearful women.
While AA meetings (around here) are predominantly men.
And I did not so often find my own fears reflected at an AA meeting. I didn't sit across from a newcomer and think, "she is like me" (whlie not liking what I saw). AA meetings were safe for me. I did not have to look at my problems so often.
But for working a program of recovery.... Alanon was where I needed to be.
My point (that I didn't make well) is that Alanon is a place where YOU can work a program of recovery. AA supplements that, you go to it IN ADDITION to what you already have.
Your AH does not appear to be working a program of recovery, but if he does decide to do so, ALL he has is AA.
He sounds abusive and selfish and like he is still active in his addiction. But none of us knows what might allow a drunk to find sobriety. And I would not suggest to anyone to get in the way of that.
I am not saying you CAN'T go or would not be allowed to go or even that you do not deserve to go... I am just urging you to consider finding a way to focus on your Alanon recovery in light of the fact that the alcoholic in your life has asked you to not go to what he calls "his" meetings.
Now...if he had a particular meeting he was going to, and you found another AA meeting on the same night - I don't think he could complain.
I only went Friday night because I knew he was out of town and I was having a REALLY bad day and my sponsor would have rathered me be at that meeting, then in an unhealthy bar looking for the next alcoholic to fill my loneliness.
Open alcoholic meetings were often far more interesting than my Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are mostly women (not all, but mostly). Often angry, hurt, tearful women.
While AA meetings (around here) are predominantly men.
And I did not so often find my own fears reflected at an AA meeting. I didn't sit across from a newcomer and think, "she is like me" (whlie not liking what I saw). AA meetings were safe for me. I did not have to look at my problems so often.
But for working a program of recovery.... Alanon was where I needed to be.
My point (that I didn't make well) is that Alanon is a place where YOU can work a program of recovery. AA supplements that, you go to it IN ADDITION to what you already have.
Your AH does not appear to be working a program of recovery, but if he does decide to do so, ALL he has is AA.
He sounds abusive and selfish and like he is still active in his addiction. But none of us knows what might allow a drunk to find sobriety. And I would not suggest to anyone to get in the way of that.
I am not saying you CAN'T go or would not be allowed to go or even that you do not deserve to go... I am just urging you to consider finding a way to focus on your Alanon recovery in light of the fact that the alcoholic in your life has asked you to not go to what he calls "his" meetings.
Now...if he had a particular meeting he was going to, and you found another AA meeting on the same night - I don't think he could complain.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
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Blue,
After reading your post, the first thought that came into my mind was that he thinks you are trying to control him in some way or fashion. Our normal codie behavior is to do that in the past maybe you did try to control him and it's a pattern that is very hard for us to stop. Please understand that I'm not saying you are doing that now! If it were me, (of course my ah is still using and will be my xah soon) I would probably ask him to let me know when he is okay in his recovery that I begin attending again. Just putting the ball in his court. The problem is that only some people take the anounimity (ahh spelling!) seriously everyone there is in a different place in recovery. Maybe he's feeling that with you going that he cannot be open and honest, which is very necessary for recovery.
Best of luck,
~FaithChaser
After reading your post, the first thought that came into my mind was that he thinks you are trying to control him in some way or fashion. Our normal codie behavior is to do that in the past maybe you did try to control him and it's a pattern that is very hard for us to stop. Please understand that I'm not saying you are doing that now! If it were me, (of course my ah is still using and will be my xah soon) I would probably ask him to let me know when he is okay in his recovery that I begin attending again. Just putting the ball in his court. The problem is that only some people take the anounimity (ahh spelling!) seriously everyone there is in a different place in recovery. Maybe he's feeling that with you going that he cannot be open and honest, which is very necessary for recovery.
Best of luck,
~FaithChaser
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Join Date: Mar 2003
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Blue would not even need to be in recovery if it wasn't for living with an alcoholic spouse. It reaLLY isn't any of his business what blue is doing or what meetings she goes to. How about the ex drunk having a little consideration for a person he has caused untold suffering? Some of you alcoholics seem to think everyone should bend over backwards to help in your recovery when you alone are responsible for getting yourself sober and staying that way. His sobriety is not her problem. If he can't cope with her going to open AA meetings, then he isn't getting the program anyway. Just my opinion. dax
Not a bad place to be....
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
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Thanks So Much
Thanks to everyone for their input. I really appreciate hearing both sides and respect everyone's opinions. I always enjoy hearing both sides. It helps me see things in a different light. Of course, I will continue to do what I feel it is my HP tells me to do. I wanted to add another thing. Someone mentioned that AA is all my AH has. That is not true. He was coming with me to Al-Anon meetings also because of the fact he has several alcoholic family members who give him a lot of grief. That was helping him at one time and everyone in my Al-Anon meeting accepted him with the same love they accepted me. Also, six months ago we started attending church together where we were both seeing a counselor and getting a great deal closer to the God of our understanding. Unfortunately, he has now dropped the Al-Anon meetings, dropped the church we go to and is starting to surround himself with other enablers and other alcoholics and at least I am in a place now that I know there is nothing I can do but hope and pray for his recovery and live my life and try to be the best person I can be for my son. Thanks again to everyone for your help. You guys are awesome.
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Because of the jealousy of my AH, he started following me to the meetings and started coming with me. Since getting into AA, his whole personality changed, he's very mean, cold, hateful to me and he told me he no longer wants me to attend HIS meetings because he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with me there which is understandable.
He told me he is having a very difficult time, wanting a drink and he is blaming everything on the fact that I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. He says that is what is making him want that drink. I know better.
I'm just having a hard time right now too and my sponsor brought me to that meeting, she felt to help me when I was down and lonely (because my husband had decided to go out of town "to get drunk and probably sleep with his ex-girlfriend). He's doing what he has to do right now and I'm doing what I have to, to get healthy.
Also, six months ago we started attending church together where we were both seeing a counselor and getting a great deal closer to the God of our understanding. Unfortunately, he has now dropped the Al-Anon meetings, dropped the church we go to and is starting to surround himself with other enablers and other alcoholics
He told me he is having a very difficult time, wanting a drink and he is blaming everything on the fact that I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. He says that is what is making him want that drink. I know better.
I'm just having a hard time right now too and my sponsor brought me to that meeting, she felt to help me when I was down and lonely (because my husband had decided to go out of town "to get drunk and probably sleep with his ex-girlfriend). He's doing what he has to do right now and I'm doing what I have to, to get healthy.
Also, six months ago we started attending church together where we were both seeing a counselor and getting a great deal closer to the God of our understanding. Unfortunately, he has now dropped the Al-Anon meetings, dropped the church we go to and is starting to surround himself with other enablers and other alcoholics
I see a lot of controlling and manipulating on his part.
If you are seperated and have filed for divorce, I'm curious really why the two of you are having such contact as the above mentioned. Seems to me that perhaps you both are still involved with each other in a way that keeps old patterns/behaviors happening. Forgive me if I'm wrong, just stating what I was thinking.
It also seems to me that your ah is not fully working a program and that you are trying to get healthy and do what is best for you.
I guess I am just confused as to why this has become such a big issue given the circumstances and my impression. Either I am misunderstanding the situation or the two of you are still very much in contact - which leads me to wonder if you are trying to reconcile? I guess I'm confused - sorry.
Whatever you decide, I just hope that you will continue to heal yourself. You are the only one that you are in control of and you need to do what is best for you.
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
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Believe me, it gets confusing to me too. After the last "incident", I told him that he had two weeks to find a place to live and that I was filing for divorce. I filed for divorce in December and I can finalize that divorce in June, or leave it open and I have two years to actually finalize it. I felt the need to file for divorce for him to see how seriously the situation was. My stand was "you either get into recovery and start working a program or I'll finalize the divorce in six months or so and we'll each move on". We continued seeing each other hoping for reconciliation, but I noticed that while we were still having contact with each other, it still seemed he was doing it all just to get back in my house and for reconciliation. We have since decided to not have so much contact and try to work our programs without spending so much time together. I really felt like us seeing each other everyday and talking everyday and arguing everyday was hindering each of our recoveries. Our goal is supposed to be to try and get healthy and hopefully save our marriage, but it's not looking like that will happen. I'm afraid that he's out looking for the next "doormat". His erratic behavior and verbal abuse is a sure sign that there is a little spirituality missing some how. Something's not right and I should probably run and run fast!
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Well,....sounds like he packed up his selfish, using, controlling alcoholic personality and dragged it with him into recovery. Which, by the way,....is a 'dry drunk'. We as alcoholics, while using, are very selfish, and controlling. Our way is 'Kingdom Rule'. Sounds like he is trying to do the same thing with AA. You have every right to attend any open meeting you want. I would ask, however, if this is truely stressing YOU out,...why not just find another open meeting somewhere else to attend? Im sure the new found friends you've gained at this meeting would gladly attend another with you if you asked. Or,...you will surely meet others at new meetings. But, dont stress yourself out by continuing this destructive behaviour. Sounds like you are letting him do the same to you in his recovery that he did in his addiction. Just a thought.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
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Alanon is not for drunks who want to be sober. Alanon will not get or keep a drunk sober - even if he wants it. That is not the purpose of the program.
There are two programs for a good reason.
I presume everyone I meet at Alanon is there because they are seeking a better life - not because they are forced to by some horrid alcoholic.
Blue, I didn't see that you indicated that you need to quit drinking, or that you believe you have a problem with drinking. What I thought I read was that you go to AA to find some hope... perhaps I was being presumptuous that the person for whom you needed the hope was your husband.
The man might need Alanon to deal with the drunks in his life, but he also needs AA for an entirely different reason. There are lots of folks who work more than one 12-step program... two separate 12-step programs. Lucky him - around here, we would call him a Double Winner.
Lots of our marriages are ruined by alcohol. Lots of our families are ruined by alcohol and lots of our lives are ruined by alcohol...some permanently. He needs AA, why make it more difficult for him to go?
There are two programs for a good reason.
I presume everyone I meet at Alanon is there because they are seeking a better life - not because they are forced to by some horrid alcoholic.
Blue, I didn't see that you indicated that you need to quit drinking, or that you believe you have a problem with drinking. What I thought I read was that you go to AA to find some hope... perhaps I was being presumptuous that the person for whom you needed the hope was your husband.
The man might need Alanon to deal with the drunks in his life, but he also needs AA for an entirely different reason. There are lots of folks who work more than one 12-step program... two separate 12-step programs. Lucky him - around here, we would call him a Double Winner.
Lots of our marriages are ruined by alcohol. Lots of our families are ruined by alcohol and lots of our lives are ruined by alcohol...some permanently. He needs AA, why make it more difficult for him to go?
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I find myself a little astonished that this debate is going on. We have been thanked for our replies. She has a sponsor...who took her there. I am not getting it. There is another AA in town, he could go to it just as well. She is scared of the neighborhood. It just sounds more codie to me to be kowtowing to a demand made by someone who is not really seeking recovery.
And is being abusive in that demand.
Ok. We are all entitled to our opinion.
Mine is that if he wants to get sober and be serious about recovery, he will.
She was going to these meetings before he was.
And I don't think she is man-shopping.
Does he have a sponsor, blue? Just wondering.
And is being abusive in that demand.
Ok. We are all entitled to our opinion.
Mine is that if he wants to get sober and be serious about recovery, he will.
She was going to these meetings before he was.
And I don't think she is man-shopping.
Does he have a sponsor, blue? Just wondering.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
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Live - you are right. Blue has her answer and has been very gracious. For me, this is a program issue and one that I think is important for me to try to understand. I need to figure out why I feel so strongly about this....
I tried considering if the tables were turned. What if it was a drunk coming into an Alanon meeting, not because he had a problem with another's drinking, but just because he enjoyed the meetings? By itself, it would be fine.
But then how would others feel if we discovered that his wife, the one who is living with a drunk and the one who might best benefit from the Alanon meeting, that he told her he would not stop attending - even if she told him it made her uncomfortable?
Wouldn't his attendance at Alanon be affecting her recovery?
Maybe I am just being like Dax mentioned... bending over backward to help a drunk - and one that most agree does not deserve, or has not earned the help. I do not think this situation is all that unique to just Blue and her husband.... which is why I keep hijacking this thread.
I'll stop now... it's getting late on this coast, anyway.
I tried considering if the tables were turned. What if it was a drunk coming into an Alanon meeting, not because he had a problem with another's drinking, but just because he enjoyed the meetings? By itself, it would be fine.
But then how would others feel if we discovered that his wife, the one who is living with a drunk and the one who might best benefit from the Alanon meeting, that he told her he would not stop attending - even if she told him it made her uncomfortable?
Wouldn't his attendance at Alanon be affecting her recovery?
Maybe I am just being like Dax mentioned... bending over backward to help a drunk - and one that most agree does not deserve, or has not earned the help. I do not think this situation is all that unique to just Blue and her husband.... which is why I keep hijacking this thread.
I'll stop now... it's getting late on this coast, anyway.
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