Something I found humorous.
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Something I found humorous.
Today I was talking to one of my co-managers. During the conversation, she started telling me how I come across and that I've even been intimidating to some of the upper management! 
After my initial shock, and her disbelief that no one had told me that before, I ended up laughing. It was just so funny to me.
Me.......the proverbial doormat to ah. Me, the one that accepted the unacceptable. Me..the one that always took the blame for everything. The one that defended, covered up for, and rescued ah. Me, the one that was miserable, cried often, felt like her world was spinning out of control, etc. Me........intimidating? ROFLMAO. She said that out of the management team at our store - she rated me in the Top 5 Aggressive Managers! (again, I was laughing)
Not only because it always surprises me how so many people can perceive a person differently - but that I have often noticed that I do not take crap from other people (only ah). However, to know that I come across as so aggressive and I intimidate people (Even upper management) - well, it just catches me as funny.
On an interesting note as well, the co-manager that was telling me this can be very intimidating as well. Most of the management team cringes when they hear her call their names! LOL. She even admitted that people find her intimidating, she knows it, but she is just the way she is. And said that when people and management have mentioned me to her that she just says "Oh, that's just how she is. She's a very cut and dried kind of person. She just states it as it is." And I was standing there thinking how I am the most indecisive person I know, thinking of all the times I've waffled over getting off this fence and rollercoaster ride, etc.
This was just truly the most humorous thing that happened to me today - and it has stuck with me pretty much the whole day. So I just thought I'd share with you.
Any of you notice that you are the opposite with others that you are with your A?
After my initial shock, and her disbelief that no one had told me that before, I ended up laughing. It was just so funny to me. Me.......the proverbial doormat to ah. Me, the one that accepted the unacceptable. Me..the one that always took the blame for everything. The one that defended, covered up for, and rescued ah. Me, the one that was miserable, cried often, felt like her world was spinning out of control, etc. Me........intimidating? ROFLMAO. She said that out of the management team at our store - she rated me in the Top 5 Aggressive Managers! (again, I was laughing)
Not only because it always surprises me how so many people can perceive a person differently - but that I have often noticed that I do not take crap from other people (only ah). However, to know that I come across as so aggressive and I intimidate people (Even upper management) - well, it just catches me as funny.
On an interesting note as well, the co-manager that was telling me this can be very intimidating as well. Most of the management team cringes when they hear her call their names! LOL. She even admitted that people find her intimidating, she knows it, but she is just the way she is. And said that when people and management have mentioned me to her that she just says "Oh, that's just how she is. She's a very cut and dried kind of person. She just states it as it is." And I was standing there thinking how I am the most indecisive person I know, thinking of all the times I've waffled over getting off this fence and rollercoaster ride, etc.
This was just truly the most humorous thing that happened to me today - and it has stuck with me pretty much the whole day. So I just thought I'd share with you.
Any of you notice that you are the opposite with others that you are with your A?
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Many months ago, I had an assistant manager that was talking to me one day and started sharing with me how her daughter (who is my age) is married to an alcoholic. I shared with her about my own situation. The look on her face was priceless. She said in a very surprised and incredulous kind of voice something like "You? But you seem to confident and self-assured. You are a very strong and organized person. You so self confident and you do such a great job!" I had forgotten about this until just a little bit ago or I'd have posted it with the above.
So I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm a "functional codependant"????? Of course, I realize that in some cases, codependent people are just people pleasers where they wish to please everyone. I've commented before that my codie issues only seem to be practiced with ah.
I was reading through some old posts after I posted the above and ran across one about the idea of faking it till you make it - acting as you want to be and then it will eventually come to be - and whatnot. And I wonder if that is part of the case as well? Do I wish to be a confident, self assured, and capable person? Is this partly why it comes across in my job? Actually, when I think of it, I've had other people (old friends and family) comment as well that they don't understand how someone like me could be so weak when it comes to ah as they have known me for so many years and recall the person I was before having married him.
I am really just having some major thought issues on this after what I was told today.
Also, I've noticed that after not having had much contact with ah, I feel as though I'm coming out of "the fog". Things are once again clear to me - the reality of the unacceptable things that he has done, the unacceptable things that I allowed and accepted, the things that he has put me through and the devastation that I felt so often. The realization of how our marriage/relationship really is, etc. And I have been feeling quite calm lately. I FEEL better not having had contact with ah. I am not being blamed, manipulated, emotionally beaten down, etc.
Someone had posted something on here awhile back about us getting sucked back into the drama and whatnot and how we shouldn't allow even minimal contact as we get sucked back in, etc. That no contact is NO contact. I've been searching for that thread for some time now and can't seem to find it. If anyone knows where it is, I'd love to read it again.
Okay, I'm done rambling now. I'm sure I'll be thinking of this all day tomorrow though - as well as paying attention to how I really do come across to people. Just find it so interesting. LOL.
There are lots of eggs that haven't been found,
Keep looking and you will find them,
So I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm a "functional codependant"????? Of course, I realize that in some cases, codependent people are just people pleasers where they wish to please everyone. I've commented before that my codie issues only seem to be practiced with ah.
I was reading through some old posts after I posted the above and ran across one about the idea of faking it till you make it - acting as you want to be and then it will eventually come to be - and whatnot. And I wonder if that is part of the case as well? Do I wish to be a confident, self assured, and capable person? Is this partly why it comes across in my job? Actually, when I think of it, I've had other people (old friends and family) comment as well that they don't understand how someone like me could be so weak when it comes to ah as they have known me for so many years and recall the person I was before having married him.
I am really just having some major thought issues on this after what I was told today.
Also, I've noticed that after not having had much contact with ah, I feel as though I'm coming out of "the fog". Things are once again clear to me - the reality of the unacceptable things that he has done, the unacceptable things that I allowed and accepted, the things that he has put me through and the devastation that I felt so often. The realization of how our marriage/relationship really is, etc. And I have been feeling quite calm lately. I FEEL better not having had contact with ah. I am not being blamed, manipulated, emotionally beaten down, etc.
Someone had posted something on here awhile back about us getting sucked back into the drama and whatnot and how we shouldn't allow even minimal contact as we get sucked back in, etc. That no contact is NO contact. I've been searching for that thread for some time now and can't seem to find it. If anyone knows where it is, I'd love to read it again.
Okay, I'm done rambling now. I'm sure I'll be thinking of this all day tomorrow though - as well as paying attention to how I really do come across to people. Just find it so interesting. LOL.
There are lots of eggs that haven't been found,
Keep looking and you will find them,
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I've had the same comments made to me by people at work. You seem so strong, etc. Also that people are intimidated by me. I'm starting to realize, though, that it's all part of the same picture. My perfectionist, controlling tendencies show themselves at work. For those I work with, especially those who are lower in the org chart, this is intimidating. Also, I found that I was carrying around quite a bit of pent up anger and resentment (at my situation, my marriage) and people sense that. My work relationships have gotten much better since I started recovery. People aren't afraid to approach me as much. I still have a lot of work to do to repair the perception of me that others still have, but it is slowly getting better and as it does, I find my work to be much more pleasant and quite a bit less stressful. Proof to me that recovery improves all aspects of my life.
L
L
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Absolutely SS! How funny it is too isn't it? In fact, my boss refers to me as a "bulldog". ROFLMAO When he first used this term to describe me to new hires, I really thought he was totally joking. Then he clarified it by saying, "she won't let anyone slide on their responsibilities- she calls people out and stays on top of them if they deserve it." What??? I mean, I am a good manager, but "bulldog"???? Not how I pictured myself LOL. I thought I was more of a Yorkie that enjoys wearing those cute dog sweaters!
Yes, I have taken more junk from AH than any other person in my life. I'm the type of person that will say something to someone if they cut in front of me in line. If someone messes up my order in the drive-thru, I'll go back in and straighten it out. I'm not rude about it, but I expect to be treated respectfully and get what I pay for. I've left men in my past for far less "crimes" than AH has committed. It is amazing how we somehow have dropped our guard and let them step way beyond the boundaries we have set for everyone else. Thanks for sharing your story today.
Hunting for eggs,
Quick as a wink,...
Yes, I have taken more junk from AH than any other person in my life. I'm the type of person that will say something to someone if they cut in front of me in line. If someone messes up my order in the drive-thru, I'll go back in and straighten it out. I'm not rude about it, but I expect to be treated respectfully and get what I pay for. I've left men in my past for far less "crimes" than AH has committed. It is amazing how we somehow have dropped our guard and let them step way beyond the boundaries we have set for everyone else. Thanks for sharing your story today.
Hunting for eggs,
Quick as a wink,...
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hmmmmm...interesting...I am wondering which came first the chicken or the egg.? I never allowed anyone but exabf to abuse me and I also come across as cocky and intimidating. But isn't it that same trait that allowed us/me to stay with the abuse?
exabf are friends now after 6 years m/l and today I can't see what I found so compelling about him. I did need 2 yrs of NO contact, by the way. And lots of abuse education.
exabf are friends now after 6 years m/l and today I can't see what I found so compelling about him. I did need 2 yrs of NO contact, by the way. And lots of abuse education.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Yup. Same story for me. Today, I know that the ultra-strong, capable, confident Minnie was/is just a mask. Part of my defence mechanism and an illustration of my perfectionist tendencies. I also think it is compensatory for me - the times when I feel weakest are the times when my "public face" is strongest and it all happens on a sub-conscious level. All part of my own denial, I think.
I still battle with it daily.
I think the post about no-contact was by Minx, if that helps. It works. I only have contact with R through lawyers and it is certainly easier to see the wood for the trees without the unnecessary drama.
I still battle with it daily.
I think the post about no-contact was by Minx, if that helps. It works. I only have contact with R through lawyers and it is certainly easier to see the wood for the trees without the unnecessary drama.
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I was thinking compensating also, Minnie.
Becoming the real thing, like the beat up Velveteen Rabbit, is a daily struggle.
Without my illnesses I don't know how or who to be.
I am still on keep it simple stupid.
Becoming the real thing, like the beat up Velveteen Rabbit, is a daily struggle.
Without my illnesses I don't know how or who to be.
I am still on keep it simple stupid.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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I don't like to be vulnerable. After all, where did that ever get me? lol. I am getting better at opening up to appropriate people and SR was really useful for that. It's a shame that my codie-ness backfired in such a way that this avenue is somewhat closed to me at present, but hey ho.
This is one of the areas where I think there is a real commonality between the drinkers and the partners. It helps to understand better.
This is one of the areas where I think there is a real commonality between the drinkers and the partners. It helps to understand better.
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Maybe you aren't handling the situation at home as well as you think. I wouldn't like being thought of as a bulldog. That's misdirected aggression. It isn't a complicment to be intimidating. It means you are touchy, unapproachable, quick to judge and speak. It isn't who you are meant to be.
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Maybe you aren't handling the situation at home as well as you think. I wouldn't like being thought of as a bulldog. That's misdirected aggression. It isn't a complicment to be intimidating. It means you are touchy, unapproachable, quick to judge and speak. It isn't who you are meant to be.
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
So I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm a "functional codependant"????? Of course, I realize that in some cases, codependent people are just people pleasers where they wish to please everyone. I've commented before that my codie issues only seem to be practiced with ah.
I was reading through some old posts after I posted the above and ran across one about the idea of faking it till you make it - acting as you want to be and then it will eventually come to be - and whatnot. And I wonder if that is part of the case as well? Do I wish to be a confident, self assured, and capable person? Is this partly why it comes across in my job? Actually, when I think of it, I've had other people (old friends and family) comment as well that they don't understand how someone like me could be so weak when it comes to ah as they have known me for so many years and recall the person I was before having married him.
LOL.
I was reading through some old posts after I posted the above and ran across one about the idea of faking it till you make it - acting as you want to be and then it will eventually come to be - and whatnot. And I wonder if that is part of the case as well? Do I wish to be a confident, self assured, and capable person? Is this partly why it comes across in my job? Actually, when I think of it, I've had other people (old friends and family) comment as well that they don't understand how someone like me could be so weak when it comes to ah as they have known me for so many years and recall the person I was before having married him.
LOL.
I like how you made me look at this; thanks!
p.s. Trust yourself......you ARE all those good things; just "weak" when you fight against alcoholism.....we ALL are.
Remember: people who knew you BEFORE ah thought of you as all those good things, so where was the "act" then? Probably no act...you ARE capable,confident,etc just had it shaken a bit on the homefront with the alcoholic junk that is thrown around there. At work, when that is not an issue, it doesn't bog you down and force you to deal with it. Don't doubt yourself....that is just YOUR disease that makes you second-guess your own worth..echoes of alcoholic crap that you have probably heard blaming you and putting you down. At work, I doubt if you hear that, so it doesn't enter your mind to wonder those things.
the girl can't help it
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Any of you notice that you are the opposite with others that you are with your A?
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Originally Posted by minnie
Yup. Same story for me. Today, I know that the ultra-strong, capable, confident Minnie was/is just a mask. Part of my defence mechanism and an illustration of my perfectionist tendencies.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
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I am a no nonsense kind of girl....I am straight forward in every thing I do.
I don't sugar coat much of anything.....of course I am not heartless and will
be soft when needed...(weakness: old people, babies, people with disabilities,
people that are in pain...)
I have been overlooked by men because they find me intimidating....imagine that
can't get a date cause the guy's afraid of me....lol)
I tend to think it is the insecurity of others that makes them "scared" of
someone who is assertive.
Have you ever noticed the milk toast married guy that becomes the bully at work?
Interesting top SS........
I don't sugar coat much of anything.....of course I am not heartless and will
be soft when needed...(weakness: old people, babies, people with disabilities,
people that are in pain...)
I have been overlooked by men because they find me intimidating....imagine that
can't get a date cause the guy's afraid of me....lol)
I tend to think it is the insecurity of others that makes them "scared" of
someone who is assertive.
Have you ever noticed the milk toast married guy that becomes the bully at work?
Interesting top SS........
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Originally Posted by pmaslan
... I am a no nonsense kind of girl....I am straight forward in every thing I do. I don't sugar coat much of anything....
Originally Posted by pmaslan
... I have been overlooked by men because they find me intimidating...
Originally Posted by pmaslan
...weakness: old people, babies, people with disabilities, people that are in pain..
Mike :-)
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Today at work, everytime a situation arose that my co-manager thought proved her point, she'd point it out to me. Some of them, I saw on my own, others I did not notice until she mentioned them. It was an interesting day.
And I got to thinking - maybe with other relationships (family, friends, etc), it's a matter of knowing where I stand with them and knowing what to expect and what is expected, etc. Whereas with ah, I have felt confused a lot of times about those issues. Where an action does not match the words, where hurtful things have been said while under the influence, etc truly beat me down and broke my spirit.
Also, as mentioned above by someone - the drama of my personal life is not at work. I have a job to do, I can throw myself into it and escape my personal life, and I know what my job is and what is expected of me. Just as I have a set type of rule book for those that work under me - they know what is expected, etc. and it's my job to make sure that it gets done.
On the idea of intimidation being a bad thing, I totally agree. It does sound as though a person that is intimidating would be non approachable and quick to judge and speak. However, I believe that ones own insecurities can be part of that equation. I know many people that are intimidated by everything and everyone! I believe after having paid attention to my actions today and having my co manager point them out to me throughout the day - that yes, I do speak what is on my mind, I stick up and defend myself, and I do just say things as they are. Perhaps I come across stronger than I mean too - but in those 3 areas, I'd say that they are not all bad things to be.
And pick-a-name, I believe you are absolutely correct in what you said in your PS. I am (and tend to have always been this way) EXCEPT with ah and alcoholism.
Your PS was interesting - thanks.
And I got to thinking - maybe with other relationships (family, friends, etc), it's a matter of knowing where I stand with them and knowing what to expect and what is expected, etc. Whereas with ah, I have felt confused a lot of times about those issues. Where an action does not match the words, where hurtful things have been said while under the influence, etc truly beat me down and broke my spirit.
Also, as mentioned above by someone - the drama of my personal life is not at work. I have a job to do, I can throw myself into it and escape my personal life, and I know what my job is and what is expected of me. Just as I have a set type of rule book for those that work under me - they know what is expected, etc. and it's my job to make sure that it gets done.
On the idea of intimidation being a bad thing, I totally agree. It does sound as though a person that is intimidating would be non approachable and quick to judge and speak. However, I believe that ones own insecurities can be part of that equation. I know many people that are intimidated by everything and everyone! I believe after having paid attention to my actions today and having my co manager point them out to me throughout the day - that yes, I do speak what is on my mind, I stick up and defend myself, and I do just say things as they are. Perhaps I come across stronger than I mean too - but in those 3 areas, I'd say that they are not all bad things to be.
And pick-a-name, I believe you are absolutely correct in what you said in your PS. I am (and tend to have always been this way) EXCEPT with ah and alcoholism.
Your PS was interesting - thanks.
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