What am I willing to accept?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
What am I willing to accept?
This has been a question that has been asked of me here on this board many times, though sometimes in a slightly different wording depending on the post it was being replied too.
In the past few months - and especially since I laid it down on the line one more time a little over a week ago - the answer to my question just continues to become more clear.
Am I willing to accept that ah is not working a program or getting counseling, etc for his alcholism? Am I willing to to accept that he is still drinking on occassion? Am I willing to accept that I believe he's lying about said drinking?
I accept that it is how it is. However, I will not accept that in my life.
Am I willing to accept that ah had a fling with a woman 16 years younger than him, allowed her and her friends to harrass me, etc. and not confront her? Am I willing to accept that as far as I'm aware, paternity has not been established for her child and that it may possibly be ah's? Am I willing to accept the many other acceptable things that happened due to this situation?
I can accept that this is the reality. I will not accept this from the man that wants to be my spouse. I will not live with him blindly while not knowing the truth. Let alone the fact that I will not share my life with someone that turned this to blame me, did not confront her to protect me.
Am I willing to accept that this man was going to allow them to foreclose on our home leaving me and my 2 youngest children without a home? That this same man has also not upheld his promises of helping to financially take care of the children? Am I willing to accept that this man claims by words and small kindnesses that he loves me but has not shown that he truly cares by even asking me if we or the children need anything?
I accept that it is the way it is. However, I will not accept this person's words to over ride his lack of actions and lack of care.
Am I willing to accept that the things that I told ah that he needed to do in order to prove that he'd really changed this time (when we split up 2 years ago) have still not been done? Am I willing to accept that the things that I've asked of him since have not also been done? Or that the promises he's made have also been broken?
I again accept the reality of it being this way. However, no, I am not willing to accept this man back into my life as my husband.
Am I willing to accept that he is still immature and irresponsible? That he still is financially irresponsible? And that he is doing nothing to improve that?
I accept that he is who he is and how he is. But I will not accept this from a spouse.
Am I willing to accept that he blew our son off when he needed/wanted ah to do a paternity test on the fling's child? Will I accept that he has broken promises to our children? Will I accept that he continues to not be responsible as a father and still tries to be our oldest son's "buddy"?
He may be the way he is and I can accept that. However, I will not accept this as a spouse.
Am I willing to accept the he still wants to be defensive with me, verbally and emotionally abuse me? Am I willing to accept that he claims to be a changed person but has not shown himself to be so? Am I willing to accept the times that he has made me cry since he claimed to have changed?
Uhhhh....again - no! Not as a spouse!
Am I willing to accept that regardless of everything - he still will not give me want I want and what I need as a husband? Will I accept that the past is as it is and take him back without him needing to change things or prove himself as I've asked him too for 2 years now?
No. I will not.
And so I come to realize that the questions I was asked - What am I willing to accept?
I accept that ah is who and how he is. I cannot change him.
However, as a spouse, I will no longer forgive and start over with alot of empty promises and claims that he's a changed person. I did that for 15 1/2 years before we seperated. I will not accept less than what I asked for from the beginning and I will not accept his words when his actions (and lack of actions) tells me that he is not sincere or willing to make the effort.
I will not tell you that it does not hurt - because it does. But having had no contact with ah for awhile, I can see things more clearly and feel that I'm coming out of my "fog". I see it as it is - and how it's always been. And I do not wish for this to be my life for the rest of my life. I will not accept it - and therefore, I realize that means that I will not take ah back. Our marriage is over. It's a very sad reality.
What am I willing to accept? Nothing less than what is acceptable. I will no longer accept the unacceptable. I will no longer accept words without actions. I will no longer accept bad behavior, broken promises, empty words, and suck up actions. I will not accept having my needs and feelings blown off for his own selfishness and feeling the pain that comes with that. I will no longer accept getting blown off and having to keep asking and explaining what I want/need when it is so obvious that he is not willing to give those things to me. I will not accept his avoidance of all issues that I deem important.
I am not willing to accept less than what I myself have been giving.
In the past few months - and especially since I laid it down on the line one more time a little over a week ago - the answer to my question just continues to become more clear.
Am I willing to accept that ah is not working a program or getting counseling, etc for his alcholism? Am I willing to to accept that he is still drinking on occassion? Am I willing to accept that I believe he's lying about said drinking?
I accept that it is how it is. However, I will not accept that in my life.
Am I willing to accept that ah had a fling with a woman 16 years younger than him, allowed her and her friends to harrass me, etc. and not confront her? Am I willing to accept that as far as I'm aware, paternity has not been established for her child and that it may possibly be ah's? Am I willing to accept the many other acceptable things that happened due to this situation?
I can accept that this is the reality. I will not accept this from the man that wants to be my spouse. I will not live with him blindly while not knowing the truth. Let alone the fact that I will not share my life with someone that turned this to blame me, did not confront her to protect me.
Am I willing to accept that this man was going to allow them to foreclose on our home leaving me and my 2 youngest children without a home? That this same man has also not upheld his promises of helping to financially take care of the children? Am I willing to accept that this man claims by words and small kindnesses that he loves me but has not shown that he truly cares by even asking me if we or the children need anything?
I accept that it is the way it is. However, I will not accept this person's words to over ride his lack of actions and lack of care.
Am I willing to accept that the things that I told ah that he needed to do in order to prove that he'd really changed this time (when we split up 2 years ago) have still not been done? Am I willing to accept that the things that I've asked of him since have not also been done? Or that the promises he's made have also been broken?
I again accept the reality of it being this way. However, no, I am not willing to accept this man back into my life as my husband.
Am I willing to accept that he is still immature and irresponsible? That he still is financially irresponsible? And that he is doing nothing to improve that?
I accept that he is who he is and how he is. But I will not accept this from a spouse.
Am I willing to accept that he blew our son off when he needed/wanted ah to do a paternity test on the fling's child? Will I accept that he has broken promises to our children? Will I accept that he continues to not be responsible as a father and still tries to be our oldest son's "buddy"?
He may be the way he is and I can accept that. However, I will not accept this as a spouse.
Am I willing to accept the he still wants to be defensive with me, verbally and emotionally abuse me? Am I willing to accept that he claims to be a changed person but has not shown himself to be so? Am I willing to accept the times that he has made me cry since he claimed to have changed?
Uhhhh....again - no! Not as a spouse!
Am I willing to accept that regardless of everything - he still will not give me want I want and what I need as a husband? Will I accept that the past is as it is and take him back without him needing to change things or prove himself as I've asked him too for 2 years now?
No. I will not.
And so I come to realize that the questions I was asked - What am I willing to accept?
I accept that ah is who and how he is. I cannot change him.
However, as a spouse, I will no longer forgive and start over with alot of empty promises and claims that he's a changed person. I did that for 15 1/2 years before we seperated. I will not accept less than what I asked for from the beginning and I will not accept his words when his actions (and lack of actions) tells me that he is not sincere or willing to make the effort.
I will not tell you that it does not hurt - because it does. But having had no contact with ah for awhile, I can see things more clearly and feel that I'm coming out of my "fog". I see it as it is - and how it's always been. And I do not wish for this to be my life for the rest of my life. I will not accept it - and therefore, I realize that means that I will not take ah back. Our marriage is over. It's a very sad reality.
What am I willing to accept? Nothing less than what is acceptable. I will no longer accept the unacceptable. I will no longer accept words without actions. I will no longer accept bad behavior, broken promises, empty words, and suck up actions. I will not accept having my needs and feelings blown off for his own selfishness and feeling the pain that comes with that. I will no longer accept getting blown off and having to keep asking and explaining what I want/need when it is so obvious that he is not willing to give those things to me. I will not accept his avoidance of all issues that I deem important.
I am not willing to accept less than what I myself have been giving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
SS, sounds like you have had some very powerful realizations. That happened to me over the weekend. It hurt like hell. I have to say that I feel pretty peaceful now, though. Here's hoping that you find some peace out of yours.
L
L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Great thinking, SS. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Acceptance was a corner-stone for me in my decision-making surrounding R. In both of the ways you describe. Truly understanding what it meant changed my life.
Acceptance was a corner-stone for me in my decision-making surrounding R. In both of the ways you describe. Truly understanding what it meant changed my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
You get into pretty powerful or hardcore stuff StandingStrong.
I don't go thruogh the exact samething as you do, but I do
go through the samething.
Acceptence is a SOB.
logicaly, I tell myself these things. Like it say...I get sucker
over and over again. I get confussed even more.
What am I willing to accept ??? it's been years of this madness.
But everytime she seem so sincere, but the crap just goes out
the window as soon as I open up myself to her again.
I feel so stupid and ashame right now, becuase I make the
same mistakes over and over and over again. It's not that
I don't relized those list of things, I do.
I belive the lies , deceptions over and over again because
they come in diffferent forms that I've havn't recognized.
So is this my answer...She's just plain EVIL. I have no other
explinations. is this what it takes for me to walk away forever
Is this what I must accept ?
I pray for help
I pray for answers
I pray for god's love
I don't feel any of it. i just feel like crying, I'm sick and tired
of crying. I've been crying for years. I'm so freaken drain,
I don't have anything to give to anybody. I feel like life
had been sucked out of me. i havn't alwaYS been this way.
It's like I'm suffering her consequences.
I don't know where I'm at.
Obviousely, I made contacts..maybe I'm just foggy
HUrts like hell thou....will I ever learn ?????
I don't go thruogh the exact samething as you do, but I do
go through the samething.
Acceptence is a SOB.
logicaly, I tell myself these things. Like it say...I get sucker
over and over again. I get confussed even more.
What am I willing to accept ??? it's been years of this madness.
But everytime she seem so sincere, but the crap just goes out
the window as soon as I open up myself to her again.
I feel so stupid and ashame right now, becuase I make the
same mistakes over and over and over again. It's not that
I don't relized those list of things, I do.
I belive the lies , deceptions over and over again because
they come in diffferent forms that I've havn't recognized.
So is this my answer...She's just plain EVIL. I have no other
explinations. is this what it takes for me to walk away forever
Is this what I must accept ?
I pray for help
I pray for answers
I pray for god's love
I don't feel any of it. i just feel like crying, I'm sick and tired
of crying. I've been crying for years. I'm so freaken drain,
I don't have anything to give to anybody. I feel like life
had been sucked out of me. i havn't alwaYS been this way.
It's like I'm suffering her consequences.
I don't know where I'm at.
Obviousely, I made contacts..maybe I'm just foggy
HUrts like hell thou....will I ever learn ?????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I am happy for you. Happy that you have thought through an
incredibly tough situation and made a solid decision for yourself.
It is hard and it is sad but continuing along the path that you were
on would prove to be much harder.
Hang in there.....
incredibly tough situation and made a solid decision for yourself.
It is hard and it is sad but continuing along the path that you were
on would prove to be much harder.
Hang in there.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It is very hard. Today there were a few times that I caught myself remembering good times and good things. I had to remind myself of the bad and hurful things.
I know that the road that I am on is a hard one - and one that I can be easily swayed from. Seeing ah, talking to him, etc can completely knock me off my path as it's done before.
However, I just keep reminding myself of the events of this past year and how hurt I've been at his broken promises, lies, and everything else. I know that to take him back would be severe damage to myself. I know that I would feel that I'd sacrificed myself again for him, that I'd have to let go of all of the self respect that I have gained, and that I'd be forever wondering and whatnot, questioning the lack of actions that he's displayed, and really questioning so many things.
It's not so much that I feel I've made this big decision about our marriage. It's more like the realization that this is simply the way it is. He has just hurt me so much and I can't take him back as my spouse if this is how he chooses to treat me. I deserved better than what he gave me - and I deserve better now. For years, I believed that it was my fault, that somehow it was my flaws that made me not good enough, etc. as well as his words always twisting things to blame me, etc. But now, I know better.
The reality sucks. It does hurt. But it's been right there in front of my face - I guess I just didn't really want to see it before. I don't really WANT to see it now, it's just come to a place where it's not possible to see it. It is as it is.
Thanks for the posts everyone. Today I feel okay and I think I'm handling it okay - BUT I haven't seen or spoken to ah. It is then that I always start to second guess myself, etc. It is then when I remind him of what he has done and not done, etc and he twists it back onto me. So it will be a true test of how well I can handle things when I have to talk or see him. I can only hope that somehow I can remember the reality and not buy into his "feel sorry for me" and "blame game & manipulation" tactics that always seem to work so well.
I know that the road that I am on is a hard one - and one that I can be easily swayed from. Seeing ah, talking to him, etc can completely knock me off my path as it's done before.
However, I just keep reminding myself of the events of this past year and how hurt I've been at his broken promises, lies, and everything else. I know that to take him back would be severe damage to myself. I know that I would feel that I'd sacrificed myself again for him, that I'd have to let go of all of the self respect that I have gained, and that I'd be forever wondering and whatnot, questioning the lack of actions that he's displayed, and really questioning so many things.
It's not so much that I feel I've made this big decision about our marriage. It's more like the realization that this is simply the way it is. He has just hurt me so much and I can't take him back as my spouse if this is how he chooses to treat me. I deserved better than what he gave me - and I deserve better now. For years, I believed that it was my fault, that somehow it was my flaws that made me not good enough, etc. as well as his words always twisting things to blame me, etc. But now, I know better.
The reality sucks. It does hurt. But it's been right there in front of my face - I guess I just didn't really want to see it before. I don't really WANT to see it now, it's just come to a place where it's not possible to see it. It is as it is.
Thanks for the posts everyone. Today I feel okay and I think I'm handling it okay - BUT I haven't seen or spoken to ah. It is then that I always start to second guess myself, etc. It is then when I remind him of what he has done and not done, etc and he twists it back onto me. So it will be a true test of how well I can handle things when I have to talk or see him. I can only hope that somehow I can remember the reality and not buy into his "feel sorry for me" and "blame game & manipulation" tactics that always seem to work so well.
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