IrshIzNotSmilin

Hey everyone. I was really anticipating a bad St. Patrick's Day weekend. I was ok friday and things were good AH under control. Saturday he was under control but he drank and drank we were at a family party for 4 hours and he drank constantly and steadily. He never slurred and/or fell down but he drank. I understand that he has a problem. He doesn't and won't. I cannot let go of the lousy feelings I have over it and i have been planning exit plans and what if plans and BAM I am 42 have been unable to get pregnant and BAM three pregnancy test later (IN HOME) i am a plus sign. So this is my dream right so I am not happy, I had given up the idea of IVF which was my alternative to have a child and gave it up a month ago to AH saying I am not having a child via IVF because I do not want this environment for my child. UGH! AH is happy he wanted this too. I still need to go get it confirmed. Well I have been a bunch of emotions. Yesterday i cried on and off all day and all I could think about was how much he drank at the party. Last nite we went to dinner and he drank again and I was just beside myself and got home and he wanted to be close and i pushed him away. I could not sleep and I wrote this note and put it where he would find it (I think he found it and said nothing) I wrote You ask me why I cry I cry because you drink, I know that you do and I do not feel good about life in this kind of environment my life is supposed to be good and peaceful without any problems and this is a major problem for me and now I am probably pregnant. i hate this. that is about all I wrote it came out better than that and I felt good about saying it. I just cried. Please advise if you guys think anything.

megamysterioso

OMG!!!! Talk about a weekend full of events huh? I don't know whether to be happy or sad for you Irsh. I fully understand how baby news if you have wanted one your entire life should be a happy time. I also understand your serious and very LEGIT reasons for not wanting to raise a child in this environment. What are the alternatives if you are pregnant though? I'm not trying to be a downer, but...

1. Terminate the pregnancy
2. Give the child up for adoption

I realize these are probably unthinkable options for you and understandably so.

3. Have your child, live with AH in hopes that things will somehow get better or change b/c of the baby (probably they won't, but maybe)
4. Have your child and end up divorced

I don't know how what to say really. It is a very, very difficult situation that will affect and complicate everything. It's hard and I guess a little unfair to speculate on the "what ifs" here. So many things can happen during the course of the pregnancy that may make you realize your own answers. My prayers are with you.

mallowcup

Let your child be your motivating factor. As a mother myself, I can tell you that your little baby will have a predispositon to alcohol. It would stop it here and now if I had it to do over again.

sunshine003

well first, let me say ....CONGRATULATIONS! that is very exciting news.

Irsh, you say you have been wanting to be a mother. Being excited about expecting doesn't have to be dependant upon the actions of your husband. If you want this baby then it isn't the end of the world that the father is an alcoholic. If you don't want to raise the baby in this enviroment, then don't. You don't have to decide today what is right. Pregnancy is hopefully 38-40 weeks long....that is quite sometime to decide what you should do regarding your marriage. For now , why not just focus on YOUR health and today. Get your pregnancy confirmed, get excited about what your body is doing and worry about the rest as you go.

Now, congrats and quit sitting there thinking about your Ah and what he does/doesn't do.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thanks everyone. I want to be happy and I am sitting here thinking about ah and not thinking about me. So gonna start thinking about me. Sunshine your right I have a few weeks lol. OK. I will heed all suggestions and advice. Thanks I'm feeling kind of alone. It is great to be able to communicate with all of you.

megamysterioso

Yep Irsh. Sunshine is right! After I read her post I thought, what was I thinking??? The focus really should not be so on AH right now, but rather on you and this new baby! You do have time.

sunshine003

Irsh, if you're going ot be a mommy then my suggestion would be this. ....Take this time to be nice to yourself. Learn about yourself, your wants, your needs. Learn how to feel proud and happy. Quit worrying over what your ah is going to do....you do not have any control over him or how he chooses his life. Did you read the thread minnie started about choices?

You spend a lot of time worrying about him and his drinking. If you took that energy and started focusing on you (and I am not even sure you know what that means) , I believe you will find some happiness. Who knows if that'll include him or not , you don't know either. But you need to learn how to detach so that you can focus on yourself and not allow your happiness to revolve around whether or not he understands your feelings. You owe this to yourself.

It's timeot get busy. This baby will demand all your attention very soon.

cwohio

congrats irish - take care of you and your precious child now - that is the most important thing.

GettingBy

Irsh,

Congratulations are definetely in order!! I'm very happy about your new bundle of joy!

About 5 months ago, I was right where you are at. Just found out I was pregnant, and facing the realities of my life. My husband has a drinking problem, and here I am pregnant. What was I thinking? Right? Well, as Sunshine said, being pregnant and how I feel about it is not dependent on my husband's action.

I too want to be a mother, and by having this child I have had to face the realities. For me, the reality is my husband has a drinking problem. A problem that I can't control and I have no way of knowing what will happen down the road. The drinking could get worse, or it could get better. If it gets worse, the reality is that I may have to seperate from him for my sake, and my unborn child's. I accept that possibility. It's a choice I may have to make, but for now, I live it one moment, one day at a time... and I'll face those choices if and when they come.

Being pregnant and dealing with an active alcholic is no simple task. I have had to work double time on taking care of me, and that has meant leaning more and more on my Al-anon friends. It's been a hard reminder, all over again, of our (my husband and mine) different priorities in life. I've had to remind myself about my expectations and how they will breed anger and resentment if I'm not careful. I keep my focus on me, and life remains manageable.

All that aside, I am simply loving being pregnant now. I relish all the wonderful moments I have, especially feeling the baby kicking me as I sit here and type this! Living in the here and now keeps me grounded and that helps me to appreciate all the little blessings!

Whatever you chose... know that you are not alone! Now is definetely the time to reach out for support. We're all here for you!

Blessings to you,
Shannon

IrshIzNotSmilin

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Thanks Sunshine and Mega I take everything and consider all. I want to say sunshine I think that I do not know completely how to focus on myself that probably is a foriegn one to me. I will read minnie's post and I will take all the good. Thanks.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Shannon just read your post and thanks. I want to cry. Well I am. So great. LOL thanks I really want this and I really have waited a long time. I will read and re-read I am going to go to Al-anon and I will try one day at a time. I find it sooooooooooo hard to do. What helps you to do that?? If I may ask???

sunshine003

Gettingby, I didn'tknow you were pregnant! congrats to you too. That is such an exciting time (see irish, it is if you'll let it be)! I hope all works out for you gettingby, well of course it will one way or another! Can't wait for you to meet your little one, that has always been the best day of my life!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Yes sunshine. If I let it be. Good one. DUH Shannon so happy for you!!!!!! AWESOME news and you must keep us posted on progress. Anytime. Irsh

sunshine003

Irsh, all of us have had to learn to do that. One day at a time....remember when I told you that you might have to start off smaller, like one moment at a time? heehee. Focus and get involved in your life. What do you want to do right this second? Is it read a thread here, take a shower? get up and do it. when you find yourself drifting and focusing on the "what if's" or how your AH makes you feel, point the finger back at yourself. Don't obsess over his problems and make them your own. You have your own and they aren't all about what happens when he drinks. back up a bit and look at your thoughts and your feelings....they aren't really about you, are they? they're always about what he did or what will he do next or how he responded to something you said or how he didn't do this or that and on and on. Start being your own best friend. quit putting your stuff all on him and leave his stuff to him, etc.

go to a meeting for sure, you need some f2f guidance.

megamysterioso

Absolutely Shannon- congrats!

GettingBy

The things that help me take it one day at a time... (in no particular order!)

- Accepting whatever support my husband can give me, even if it's not exactly what I want from him. I've also learned that it's SOOO important to walk away from him when he's in "hardware store" mode (which is also similar to "I'd rather be out with my guy friends" mode, and "I just don't understand why you are tired/cranky/sleepy/can't keep this place spotless" mode!)

- My sponsor. She's absolutely wonderful. She gives me the emotional support that I really, really, really need when my husband is in "Hardware store" mode. She lets me know that it's okay to feel emotional. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to take a nap instead of cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc. Right now taking care of me is top priority and she keeps me focused on that.

- Feeling my baby moving around, hiccuping, kicking, etc. It's a wonderful reminder that all the sacrifices and hard work is ABSOLUTELY worth it. Like Sunshine said, I can't wait to meet this little person and shower them with my love!

- Self-love, self-care... and more Self-love, self-care. Learning to adapt to the changes my life and BODY are going through. Doesn't mean I like them all, but I accept them b/c I know what's waiting for me about 4 months from now!

The reality is Irsh, it's not an easy journey. The first few months were very hard. I was very sick, and completely exhausted... and without a ton of help/support from my husband, I felt very ragged and alone. I had to accept the limits of my abilities. I had to re-prioritize. I was upset (and still do get upset!!!) about all the work I do, and sacrifices I make, and yet there my husband goes running around like nothing major is going on! My sponsor gave me the best response to one of my "gripes"...

And so I say the same to you, Irsh. What can you do to honor you??

IrshIzNotSmilin

WOW!!! I really need to heed your suggestions and advice thanks. REALLY!! I thank you and yes going to go to the meetings. I really need to change my old mindset. You have all helped so much today and given me so much to think about. Thanks.