Recognizing Choices
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Recognizing Choices
From Language of Letting Go - May 27
We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.
We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviours - such as caretaking or controlling.
Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say "I have to take care of this person....", "I have to say yes....", "I have to try to control that person.....", "I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way.....", we can know we are choosing not to see choices.
Than sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.
Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else's rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.
Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.
We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.
We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviours - such as caretaking or controlling.
Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say "I have to take care of this person....", "I have to say yes....", "I have to try to control that person.....", "I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way.....", we can know we are choosing not to see choices.
Than sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.
Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else's rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.
Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
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Courage to Change
We are dealing with a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease and one that is progressive and continues to get worse mentally, physically, and spiritually -- usually on all fronts at once.
I think one of the greatest things that I have gotten out of Al-Anon is the knowledge that I have choices! This is something that I never realized before! I have to accept the things I cannot change. I have to accept that the alcoholic is powerless over the disease. But accepting it doesn't mean I have to condone it, or like it -- and I do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavoir.
I have the right to make decisions that are in MY best interest -- to decide not to be around alcoholic behavoir and to walk away from fights and arguments. And to make the decision to no longer participate in the insanity of others
I have found the courage to make those kinds of decisions. I can make decisions that might cause me some short-term discomfort knowing that in the long run, things will work out for the best.
Now all I have to do is learn how to not participate in my own insanity!
We are dealing with a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease and one that is progressive and continues to get worse mentally, physically, and spiritually -- usually on all fronts at once.
I think one of the greatest things that I have gotten out of Al-Anon is the knowledge that I have choices! This is something that I never realized before! I have to accept the things I cannot change. I have to accept that the alcoholic is powerless over the disease. But accepting it doesn't mean I have to condone it, or like it -- and I do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavoir.
I have the right to make decisions that are in MY best interest -- to decide not to be around alcoholic behavoir and to walk away from fights and arguments. And to make the decision to no longer participate in the insanity of others
I have found the courage to make those kinds of decisions. I can make decisions that might cause me some short-term discomfort knowing that in the long run, things will work out for the best.
Now all I have to do is learn how to not participate in my own insanity!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
wow, thanks you guys. perfect day to read this! I have choices. I can make choices and not feel guilty about doing what is best for me. I can choose to sit and be miserable, feel guilty or let others bring me down. But I'm going to choose to believe in myself and know that I am a capable person. I am capable of making choices and nobody has to like my choice, just as long as I know I am doing my best, I can let go and be happy about what I am doing.
Minnie, a great read and it's come at the perfect time.
From you to morninglory.
Minnie, a great read and it's come at the perfect time.
From you to morninglory.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I chose to move out of my house and away from abf for the past 3 weeks because I can not live with his nightly drinking and his denial of having a problem. I know this is the best choice for me right now, but I sure don't like the feeling of being displaced and imposing upon other family members. I can't relax and be comfortable at my own house or at anyone else's right now. I don't feel at peace with my decision, yet. I'm a little bitter that he is not choosing to do anything different until he's forced to if/when we sell the house. I'm trying to detach and do things for myself and feel happy about it, but it's very forced right now. I guess I just have to keep at it and it will eventually be easier. In need of reassurance right now... Thanks!!
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
That's really hard aztchr.
My second short marriage was to an addict. He began abusing me and I had to get my kids in the car and try to leave. He got my keys and started beating my car with us locked in it. I finally grabbed the kids and ran leaving my car there. I landed at my brothers house 3 days before Christmas. It was a very hard time, but I made the right decision. I found work and relocated and it just go better from there. It feels really horrible for awhile though. Hang in there. It gets better.
My second short marriage was to an addict. He began abusing me and I had to get my kids in the car and try to leave. He got my keys and started beating my car with us locked in it. I finally grabbed the kids and ran leaving my car there. I landed at my brothers house 3 days before Christmas. It was a very hard time, but I made the right decision. I found work and relocated and it just go better from there. It feels really horrible for awhile though. Hang in there. It gets better.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi aztcher
Maybe you should start your post as a new thread. It might get buried in this one. I can offer some reassurance in that you are doing the right thing to look out for yourself. Do you attend Al-Anon or some other group or therapy?
It's tough sometimes, but doing what is right for ourselves pays off in the end. When that end is is a whole 'nother story!
Anyway, maybe try posting again as a new thread so more people respond.
Maybe you should start your post as a new thread. It might get buried in this one. I can offer some reassurance in that you are doing the right thing to look out for yourself. Do you attend Al-Anon or some other group or therapy?
It's tough sometimes, but doing what is right for ourselves pays off in the end. When that end is is a whole 'nother story!
Anyway, maybe try posting again as a new thread so more people respond.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It truly took me a long long time to realize that I had choices. I did feel stuck much of the time and for many reasons.
Having realized that I do have choices has been a real growing step for me. I still find though that I am very indecisive, as I've been that way since I was a young child, but I do recognize that the choice is mine now.
Having realized that I do have choices has been a real growing step for me. I still find though that I am very indecisive, as I've been that way since I was a young child, but I do recognize that the choice is mine now.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
az, you've come farther than you think. I felt the same way. The measure comes in thinking, if he wanted to get back together today, would I? You would quickly measure the progress you've made by realizing that if it dodn't work out, you'd have to go through the last three weeks all over again. You would also remember the reasons you left. It wasn't a snap decison. Enjoy your quiet nights. Eating and sleeping, talking on the phone and whatching what I wanted on TV was a huge thrill for me. I would try journaling about those nights he drank.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Before I say anything I want to acknowledge that abusive relationships can really mess with anyone's head!! I know chances are if I had experienced that I wouldn't be able to have maintained the way I feel now, I'd probably need alot of help and support to get back independance. However I haven't had an abusive relationship so below is what's true for me.
I've always been a willfull person, highly aware of making my own decisions. When other people actually want to make my decisions for me then they say I'm pig headed or arrogant. But I've always known it will be me that lives with any outcome and while I'll listen to many people ultimately choices lie with me - this is how I think.
As a woman having that attitude brings it's fair share of flack, buying your own cars off the street, having your own knowledge about which is a good house to buy, being prepared to take my own risks - all of those things are often seen as a positive in men but not in women.
I find it hard to understand from the other side, I can't get my head round people thinking I don't listen just because I may not do what they suggest, after all I won't blame them for the outcome whether it was advice I took or rejected. I may decide againnst a piece of advice today then change my mind - but it's MY MIND and it's OK for me to choose.
I like the protection of wise words, I do listen and am grateful but I still think for myself - without that it seems meaningless, how can I follow wisdom if I have never thought for myself if it's wise in the first place?
As a child I respected my elders but I know a man of 30 might think a thing black, one of 40 muightt argue it white, a 50 yr old may say his age settles the dispute and it's black, then one of 60 say no it's white. If older means right how can so many old people disagree? So instead I learned to respect how they formed views and learn the patience of discussing them - then making my own mind up.
Recognising choices is to take on an adult role and not give over an adult's ability to write our own scripts. I think it's a habit grown in reasoning and actions, if I took my reasoning from others I don't doubt my actions would follow. If I believed I should or shouldn't think this or that - I'm sure soon enough what I did would be dictated.
To me choices go hand in hand with reasoning and responsibility.
I've always been a willfull person, highly aware of making my own decisions. When other people actually want to make my decisions for me then they say I'm pig headed or arrogant. But I've always known it will be me that lives with any outcome and while I'll listen to many people ultimately choices lie with me - this is how I think.
As a woman having that attitude brings it's fair share of flack, buying your own cars off the street, having your own knowledge about which is a good house to buy, being prepared to take my own risks - all of those things are often seen as a positive in men but not in women.
I find it hard to understand from the other side, I can't get my head round people thinking I don't listen just because I may not do what they suggest, after all I won't blame them for the outcome whether it was advice I took or rejected. I may decide againnst a piece of advice today then change my mind - but it's MY MIND and it's OK for me to choose.
I like the protection of wise words, I do listen and am grateful but I still think for myself - without that it seems meaningless, how can I follow wisdom if I have never thought for myself if it's wise in the first place?
As a child I respected my elders but I know a man of 30 might think a thing black, one of 40 muightt argue it white, a 50 yr old may say his age settles the dispute and it's black, then one of 60 say no it's white. If older means right how can so many old people disagree? So instead I learned to respect how they formed views and learn the patience of discussing them - then making my own mind up.
Recognising choices is to take on an adult role and not give over an adult's ability to write our own scripts. I think it's a habit grown in reasoning and actions, if I took my reasoning from others I don't doubt my actions would follow. If I believed I should or shouldn't think this or that - I'm sure soon enough what I did would be dictated.
To me choices go hand in hand with reasoning and responsibility.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
Its a great day to read this thread. I am just now learning that I have choices and that I can not control or cure the alcoholism for my A. I still havent heard my A and it has been 2 days now.
The choice that I am deciding to make is trying to move on with MY life and stop worrying about his. Its a very hard thing to do right now but in time it will get easier and I will become a stronger person for it.
I choose to go to Al Anon to help coupe with this situation instead of stting hear with the phone in my hand starring out the window, I choose to sit at my computer and read these posts to gain more wisdom and strength instead of sitting on the couch crying, I choose to go to counseling instead of driving around from bar to bar in hopes of finding my A. (Afterall, I cant find him until he finds sobreity)
The choice that I am deciding to make is trying to move on with MY life and stop worrying about his. Its a very hard thing to do right now but in time it will get easier and I will become a stronger person for it.
I choose to go to Al Anon to help coupe with this situation instead of stting hear with the phone in my hand starring out the window, I choose to sit at my computer and read these posts to gain more wisdom and strength instead of sitting on the couch crying, I choose to go to counseling instead of driving around from bar to bar in hopes of finding my A. (Afterall, I cant find him until he finds sobreity)
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
It took me seven and a half years of being clean and sober to realize I have choices. To realize that everything is a choice. It's so empowering to get to that point and it gives me such a feeling of self-responsibility.
Ngaire
Ngaire
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Yepppers ... its amazing how to choose empowers you.
Knowing that I have choices also keeps me from resenting and being a victim....
Not to mention that even if I make a wrong choice, its mine to make and I can choose to change it... Nothing is forever and a choice I make today may not serve me at a later date... and at that time I can change my choice.
Knowing that I have choices also keeps me from resenting and being a victim....
Not to mention that even if I make a wrong choice, its mine to make and I can choose to change it... Nothing is forever and a choice I make today may not serve me at a later date... and at that time I can change my choice.
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