Not sure what I am doing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: CapeMay, New Jersey
Posts: 6
Not sure what I am doing
I am not sure what I am doing anymore. I posted a message for help when I first registered on. That was today. I was hoping I guess my husband would change and stop drinking and useing drugs. But I guess he won't. I am heart broken for the man I love has disapearred! I love and hate a monster that sneaks around steals our money and abuses me. I seem to think it may be all my fault and I changed him, I drove him to all the cheating and drunk'n rages, that's what he tells me anyway. I'm scared for him and his future as well as mine and our childrens! I'm lost and maybe I am focussing too much on myself and not enough on his needs ...but the promises of staying sober and clean never last and my hopes and beliefs in him are fading! What can I do to help him anymore? What can I say to make him see how much I love him? What can we do to stop him from killing himself?
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Tricia,
I'm glad you found your way here. We learn here that we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. None of this is your fault and there is nothing you can do to change your husband or cure his addiction.
Please click on the link below and read the post called addictive personality. This post helped me so much when I first came to the boards. Others will be along shortly to offer their support. Keep checking back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
Hugs,
MG
I'm glad you found your way here. We learn here that we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. None of this is your fault and there is nothing you can do to change your husband or cure his addiction.
Please click on the link below and read the post called addictive personality. This post helped me so much when I first came to the boards. Others will be along shortly to offer their support. Keep checking back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: oh
Posts: 51
tricia - Welcome to the boards. I know how it feels to love the man and hate the disease. I am currently married to my alcoholic...he got sober several yrs ago and is still doing well. I still remember trying everything I could think of to help him....to get him to own his problem, to stop the chaos.
Oh how I wish I knew about these boards back then...you can't change him or make him want to change. The only thing you can do right now is to educate yourself about his disease and yours (ours) --- codependency.
I am sending you hugs and prayers....stick around and read as much as you can....Alot of us were really relieved to find that our problem was not uncommon.
Much love ~piggle~
Oh how I wish I knew about these boards back then...you can't change him or make him want to change. The only thing you can do right now is to educate yourself about his disease and yours (ours) --- codependency.
I am sending you hugs and prayers....stick around and read as much as you can....Alot of us were really relieved to find that our problem was not uncommon.
Much love ~piggle~
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hello , my goodness, reading your story just breaks my heart but maybe telling you what I did will help. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I detachted in love from my bf, that was 3 weeks ago. It its the hardest thing I ever had to do because I love him so very much. I am also pregnant with his child. I am so sad about this but Ihad to be strong and look at the big picture. Thank goodness we did not live together or I am married to him. Reading all these stories made me realize how lucky I am by not being there and making this detachment step right away. Sure I miss him, sure I wish the healthy him was with me but that is not reality. In my case he does not even think he has a problem that makes it worse because until he admits to himself and others and gets help , we will never find our way back to one another. I have let go completely and put everything to my HP. It is not going to be easy trust me on this but you can do it, if not for you than for your children. Think of them please.
I was the rescuer and enabler as well for a short time. Everyone around him his family and friends do the same still so he sees no problem. I was the only one standing up towards his drinking and bad behavior. So now I am at fault and to be blamed in his eyes but I know it is not so and that is all that matters.
I have been taking this one day at a time, I go to 2 AlAnon meetings a week and a CODA meeting once a week and it is helping in a large way it will help you to.
Paying to much attention to yourself? I do not think so, it is the other way around, you are not paying attention to yourself at all. You are number one in this as well as your children. Please if you haven't yet joined an AlAnon and a CODA group maybe you like to consider it. You find many resource online and meetings in your town I am sure.
None of this is your fault! It never was and it never will be. It is your A that has the problems not YOU! You are a wonderful and warm human being that is in pain now but you don't have to be. I know that words may not be of comfort to you at times like this but please whatever you want to do, do get help and start your life being YOU, in love and harmony.
I wish you luck and God Bless you and yours!
I detachted in love from my bf, that was 3 weeks ago. It its the hardest thing I ever had to do because I love him so very much. I am also pregnant with his child. I am so sad about this but Ihad to be strong and look at the big picture. Thank goodness we did not live together or I am married to him. Reading all these stories made me realize how lucky I am by not being there and making this detachment step right away. Sure I miss him, sure I wish the healthy him was with me but that is not reality. In my case he does not even think he has a problem that makes it worse because until he admits to himself and others and gets help , we will never find our way back to one another. I have let go completely and put everything to my HP. It is not going to be easy trust me on this but you can do it, if not for you than for your children. Think of them please.
I was the rescuer and enabler as well for a short time. Everyone around him his family and friends do the same still so he sees no problem. I was the only one standing up towards his drinking and bad behavior. So now I am at fault and to be blamed in his eyes but I know it is not so and that is all that matters.
I have been taking this one day at a time, I go to 2 AlAnon meetings a week and a CODA meeting once a week and it is helping in a large way it will help you to.
Paying to much attention to yourself? I do not think so, it is the other way around, you are not paying attention to yourself at all. You are number one in this as well as your children. Please if you haven't yet joined an AlAnon and a CODA group maybe you like to consider it. You find many resource online and meetings in your town I am sure.
None of this is your fault! It never was and it never will be. It is your A that has the problems not YOU! You are a wonderful and warm human being that is in pain now but you don't have to be. I know that words may not be of comfort to you at times like this but please whatever you want to do, do get help and start your life being YOU, in love and harmony.
I wish you luck and God Bless you and yours!
Last edited by prettywoman; 01-21-2003 at 10:16 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: CapeMay, New Jersey
Posts: 6
Thank You
Thank you everyone who posted a message to me,
Your words of encouragement are so apreciated! I am today feeling helpless, and confused! I want to so much go to a meeting you talk of.. but my husband would kill me! I am always under watch as to what I say or do! Writing this on line is the only way I can talk about anything for he is not home and I am working..well trying to anyway! I find my mind not focussed anymore on things... I worry is he cheating again? Is he going to come home tonight? Will he be nice or mean? Can I smile for the children cause God knows its been so long since I laughed and smiled for real not for show! I am going to try to find away to get into a meeting... but I don't see how I can leave the house for that long and explain where I have been. I thank you for letting me come in here and write how I feel... Thank you for listening and for writing me! It means to me more than you can imagen!
Your words of encouragement are so apreciated! I am today feeling helpless, and confused! I want to so much go to a meeting you talk of.. but my husband would kill me! I am always under watch as to what I say or do! Writing this on line is the only way I can talk about anything for he is not home and I am working..well trying to anyway! I find my mind not focussed anymore on things... I worry is he cheating again? Is he going to come home tonight? Will he be nice or mean? Can I smile for the children cause God knows its been so long since I laughed and smiled for real not for show! I am going to try to find away to get into a meeting... but I don't see how I can leave the house for that long and explain where I have been. I thank you for letting me come in here and write how I feel... Thank you for listening and for writing me! It means to me more than you can imagen!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: CapeMay, New Jersey
Posts: 6
I don't want to paint a picture that he is a evil man cuase he isn't .. I only when he drinks or does other stuff! I usually just play agreeable and smile and nod my head when he is drunk, and it's when he is angry at me for what ever reason that he gets violent and such. I was told once by a friend that he keeps such an eye on me cause he is doing all the wrong that he thinks I may be doing wrong as well..( cheating and such). Funny I own a buissness and have children ...who has the time for that! I have to get going he will be in need of me picking him up shortly. I'm ok... thanks
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Tricia - I too am so very glad that you found your way here. Please come back here as often as you can and feel free to talk about what is happening in your life. There is no judgement here, only love and caring from a wonderful group of people who understand what life is like living with another's drug and alcohol abuse. I will add you and your family to my prayers. Please be safe, Tricia.
Love and hugs.
Love and hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Your husband is going to kill you if.....you being watched?....that does not sound good at all. Maybe you need to get the police involved here and seeks as much help as you can to get away from this man. I will pray for allof you. What state are you from?
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 11
Tricia
Oh Tricia...
How I can relate to your post. I was there too, walking on egg shells, made to believe that I deserved to be beaten on or mistreated. As the years past, and I became more informed of the addiction and found help for me, I began to understand that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I choose to stay with my A, I am glad to report that he no longer beats on me, I have respect for myself and I am getting help for me. I have learned that there is nothing I can do to change him (stop him from using, cheating, lying, etc).
Please keep coming back and get to meetings somehow, of course do not put your self in any danger.
How I can relate to your post. I was there too, walking on egg shells, made to believe that I deserved to be beaten on or mistreated. As the years past, and I became more informed of the addiction and found help for me, I began to understand that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I choose to stay with my A, I am glad to report that he no longer beats on me, I have respect for myself and I am getting help for me. I have learned that there is nothing I can do to change him (stop him from using, cheating, lying, etc).
Please keep coming back and get to meetings somehow, of course do not put your self in any danger.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((hugs)))
Tricia:
I know exactly where you are right now. Our husbands were cut out of the same cloth. My husband doesn't physically abuse me, but I'm not sure he wouldn't, if I didn't smile and nod a lot. The verbal abuse is what has let you believe that it's your fault! Believe me--you are not the one to blame! The alcohol is.
I'm sorry to say, I have not been able to go to a meeting either, for the same reasons, but believe me, these people have been a wonderful help to me these last few weeks. Also, turning to my Higher Power (HP), God, has really helped.
You just need to get use to living one day at a time. And take really good care of yourself and the children. I found that even though I sometimes feel like a terrible cloak of hurt, depression, anger, and pain are surrounding me, I can look for small things in my everyday life that give me my greatest joy. I started writing down every day the one thing that was the best thing that happened to me that day, and it has really helped me to look for good things in my life.
The reason, I believe, that he needs to know everywhere you are, is he needs to have complete control of everything. Another part of his addictive personality. I have the same thing. I've just learned to check in a lot, and sometimes, I have to bring him around to my way of thinking by letting him believe it was his idea all along. I don't really think I'm manipulating him, I just know that his alcohol has warped his mind so much that he just wants to be against me in any decision I make. If he was in his right mind, he would have agreed with me to begin with!
And there are times when he is somewhat normal when I can reason with him, and let him know how he has been treating me, and then he will for awhile wake up to that fact, and then it's easier again.
If he is physically abusing you, please seek help! All the previous notes are chock-full of all the information you need. And if you do get the chance to go to a meeting, take it, and go. I haven't been to one, but I'm going to as soon as I can get away without being noticed.
Lyn
I know exactly where you are right now. Our husbands were cut out of the same cloth. My husband doesn't physically abuse me, but I'm not sure he wouldn't, if I didn't smile and nod a lot. The verbal abuse is what has let you believe that it's your fault! Believe me--you are not the one to blame! The alcohol is.
I'm sorry to say, I have not been able to go to a meeting either, for the same reasons, but believe me, these people have been a wonderful help to me these last few weeks. Also, turning to my Higher Power (HP), God, has really helped.
You just need to get use to living one day at a time. And take really good care of yourself and the children. I found that even though I sometimes feel like a terrible cloak of hurt, depression, anger, and pain are surrounding me, I can look for small things in my everyday life that give me my greatest joy. I started writing down every day the one thing that was the best thing that happened to me that day, and it has really helped me to look for good things in my life.
The reason, I believe, that he needs to know everywhere you are, is he needs to have complete control of everything. Another part of his addictive personality. I have the same thing. I've just learned to check in a lot, and sometimes, I have to bring him around to my way of thinking by letting him believe it was his idea all along. I don't really think I'm manipulating him, I just know that his alcohol has warped his mind so much that he just wants to be against me in any decision I make. If he was in his right mind, he would have agreed with me to begin with!
And there are times when he is somewhat normal when I can reason with him, and let him know how he has been treating me, and then he will for awhile wake up to that fact, and then it's easier again.If he is physically abusing you, please seek help! All the previous notes are chock-full of all the information you need. And if you do get the chance to go to a meeting, take it, and go. I haven't been to one, but I'm going to as soon as I can get away without being noticed.
Lyn
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Tricia,
Welcome to this board. You've come to the right place where you'll find plenty of women who are living your life.
I would urge you to get to Al Anon meetings if at all possible. I know being held prisoner in your own home is awful. I wish for you a different life and will keep you in my prayers.
And trust me on this one....you did NOTHING to cause his disease.... NOTHING. HE is sick with the disease of alcoholism. It's just like if he had diabetes. Could you cause that? Nope, and neither can you cause his drinking. Oh yes, now he may try to guilt you into thinking it's all your fault, but that is only because he doesn't want to face up to admitting it is HE who has the problems.
Hang in there, Tricia. Keep reading here. All the information I've found here has been so helpful, not to mention the wonderful, loving people here. We are all in this together. You aren't alone.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to this board. You've come to the right place where you'll find plenty of women who are living your life.
I would urge you to get to Al Anon meetings if at all possible. I know being held prisoner in your own home is awful. I wish for you a different life and will keep you in my prayers.
And trust me on this one....you did NOTHING to cause his disease.... NOTHING. HE is sick with the disease of alcoholism. It's just like if he had diabetes. Could you cause that? Nope, and neither can you cause his drinking. Oh yes, now he may try to guilt you into thinking it's all your fault, but that is only because he doesn't want to face up to admitting it is HE who has the problems.
Hang in there, Tricia. Keep reading here. All the information I've found here has been so helpful, not to mention the wonderful, loving people here. We are all in this together. You aren't alone.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome to our board Tricia!
I am so thankful for this wonderful place and all of these great people!!You will find the more you come visit the better you will feel and the stronger you will get.
Just keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault and the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your children.
Verbal abuse is sometimes more destructive than Physical abuse. They love to be in control and knock down our selfesteem. Just keep telling yourself how special you are and how much you deserve to be treated right!!
It is overwhelming when you feel all alone,but now you have US.
You need never be alone in this again.
My prayers go out to you,
matters
I am so thankful for this wonderful place and all of these great people!!You will find the more you come visit the better you will feel and the stronger you will get.
Just keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault and the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your children.
Verbal abuse is sometimes more destructive than Physical abuse. They love to be in control and knock down our selfesteem. Just keep telling yourself how special you are and how much you deserve to be treated right!!
It is overwhelming when you feel all alone,but now you have US.
You need never be alone in this again.
My prayers go out to you,
matters
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: CapeMay, New Jersey
Posts: 6
What do I say?
I woke up this morning after a terrible night, thinking what now? Why? Thinking of all the terrible things he had to say to me and how I had to put my kids in another room with a loud Tv to stop them from hearing his words and threats!
I was thinking how noone can know how I feel for my friends..the few that still talk to me, when I can sneak in a call or email..always say just leave! Then this morning I came here from seeing my email list and broke down crying! For once I feel I am not truely alone in this confusion and life! Thank you!!
I want to so much sometimes to yell and scream out! I want my life back..the one I had where I smiled and wasn't always so numb! I want HIM back..the man who made me laugh not use hurtful cruel words and such to intimidate me. Today I am angry and so hurt. I wish I could explain my life to you all so you could understand, but how? I can only breifly describe things ...cause as I think in my head our life.,. I find myself agreeing with him on how I have changed, maybe how I caused him to stop loving me and hateing me so much!
When we met I was 18, a dancer , family that didn't want to be bothered cause I quit college. He was kind and fun and supportive of my dreams. He was what I thaught books were made from...the hero the love of a life time. We got married and then things changed, things came out slowly on who he was and his life. I figured, hey everyone has issues, we couldwork it out together, My love was strong enough for the both of us! Well, we had children.. and soon I saw his mothers alcholic behavior and her cheating on her husband and such was so out there for him to see. He started not letting me have friends,, but yet he would meet his friends at the corner and yell at me he had to get away from me and not come home for days! He began wanting me to gain weight then yelling at me I'm ugly and old and so miserable noone would want me. Then he would call days later and say how sorry he was that he loved me would I let him come home? I got bitter at times and maybe said things I shouldn't like "I'm not your mother,, I wouldn't cheat on you" or YOur being just like her! Wrong I know .. I am sorry for that, soon I had to quit working he didn't like it and always yelled I never came home on time. Then I helped him build his buissness... he ended up loosing it to DWI's and charges of posession. So now he has no license and no nothing. So I worked out a way for myself to get a buissness and he would be like the so owner.. head guy... but this just makes things worse! He takes the money and yells I'm not worth the paper money is made on... and yells what do I do to make money. I don't know...things so many things. I can't help anymore but be wanting to run away! The women thrown in face time and time again, the hurtful words and sometimes physical. I just walk around like a zombie anymore. I'm not even the mother I used to be and that is what scares me the most! I have lost the ability to have fun. Evrythng I do I'm scared of what he will say or how he will react or will he thnk I am lieing... I'm overwhelmed!
But I wrote this not only to vent..which I thank you for letting me do! But to tell you for once I feel like someone understands! Reading your replies to my post, just filled my eyes with tears cause I don't feel so alone! I read and related to you as you related to me and that was and is the most wonderful feeling I have had in years!! Thank YOu ... I wish I could hug you all and make you understand just how much it made me feel today...I sound like a loon! I'm sorry , but I never had anyone to relate to me before! Thank you thank you...
I was thinking how noone can know how I feel for my friends..the few that still talk to me, when I can sneak in a call or email..always say just leave! Then this morning I came here from seeing my email list and broke down crying! For once I feel I am not truely alone in this confusion and life! Thank you!!
I want to so much sometimes to yell and scream out! I want my life back..the one I had where I smiled and wasn't always so numb! I want HIM back..the man who made me laugh not use hurtful cruel words and such to intimidate me. Today I am angry and so hurt. I wish I could explain my life to you all so you could understand, but how? I can only breifly describe things ...cause as I think in my head our life.,. I find myself agreeing with him on how I have changed, maybe how I caused him to stop loving me and hateing me so much!
When we met I was 18, a dancer , family that didn't want to be bothered cause I quit college. He was kind and fun and supportive of my dreams. He was what I thaught books were made from...the hero the love of a life time. We got married and then things changed, things came out slowly on who he was and his life. I figured, hey everyone has issues, we couldwork it out together, My love was strong enough for the both of us! Well, we had children.. and soon I saw his mothers alcholic behavior and her cheating on her husband and such was so out there for him to see. He started not letting me have friends,, but yet he would meet his friends at the corner and yell at me he had to get away from me and not come home for days! He began wanting me to gain weight then yelling at me I'm ugly and old and so miserable noone would want me. Then he would call days later and say how sorry he was that he loved me would I let him come home? I got bitter at times and maybe said things I shouldn't like "I'm not your mother,, I wouldn't cheat on you" or YOur being just like her! Wrong I know .. I am sorry for that, soon I had to quit working he didn't like it and always yelled I never came home on time. Then I helped him build his buissness... he ended up loosing it to DWI's and charges of posession. So now he has no license and no nothing. So I worked out a way for myself to get a buissness and he would be like the so owner.. head guy... but this just makes things worse! He takes the money and yells I'm not worth the paper money is made on... and yells what do I do to make money. I don't know...things so many things. I can't help anymore but be wanting to run away! The women thrown in face time and time again, the hurtful words and sometimes physical. I just walk around like a zombie anymore. I'm not even the mother I used to be and that is what scares me the most! I have lost the ability to have fun. Evrythng I do I'm scared of what he will say or how he will react or will he thnk I am lieing... I'm overwhelmed!
But I wrote this not only to vent..which I thank you for letting me do! But to tell you for once I feel like someone understands! Reading your replies to my post, just filled my eyes with tears cause I don't feel so alone! I read and related to you as you related to me and that was and is the most wonderful feeling I have had in years!! Thank YOu ... I wish I could hug you all and make you understand just how much it made me feel today...I sound like a loon! I'm sorry , but I never had anyone to relate to me before! Thank you thank you...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
You did it!
Tricia:
You made it through another day! I'm proud of you!
You need to realize that no matter what awful things he says about you (ugly, fat, skinny, bad mom, lazy, whatever) you are a great person. I fell into that trap for a long time. I kept hearing I was fat and lazy. Then I started listening to things my friends would say, like "I don't know how you do it--you do so much, and keep up so well", and I'd say, but my house is a wreck, and they'd say "what do you mean! it looks great!" Then I'd be looking at pictures of myself, thinking I looked fat, and my kids or my friends would say "You fat? are you crazy!" So, I started really looking with open eyes at the situation. And the problem was not me. My daughter has a mother-in-law that is very overweight, and her husband absolutely adores everything about her. So, you see, it's not you. It's him.
If your mother-in-law ran around on her husband, it will probably make your husband extremely suspicious all the time. Couple that with alcohol, and the suspicion grows a hundredfold. I know how your night went. I've lived it myself, over and over. Oh, the scene may change a little (what will he tear up next?) But, it's still the same scene. I feel for you! I'd hug you, if I could. I know it is a very helpless feeling. And something in us just wants to "fix" it.
But you can't change him. You can only work on yourself. Start really looking in the mirror at yourself, and see what a beautiful, amazing person you are. Focus on yourself and your kids, and find some happiness in the little things. Light some scented candles, turn on some soft spiritual music, and take a bubble bath. It's a start.
Hugs, Lyn
You made it through another day! I'm proud of you!
You need to realize that no matter what awful things he says about you (ugly, fat, skinny, bad mom, lazy, whatever) you are a great person. I fell into that trap for a long time. I kept hearing I was fat and lazy. Then I started listening to things my friends would say, like "I don't know how you do it--you do so much, and keep up so well", and I'd say, but my house is a wreck, and they'd say "what do you mean! it looks great!" Then I'd be looking at pictures of myself, thinking I looked fat, and my kids or my friends would say "You fat? are you crazy!" So, I started really looking with open eyes at the situation. And the problem was not me. My daughter has a mother-in-law that is very overweight, and her husband absolutely adores everything about her. So, you see, it's not you. It's him.
If your mother-in-law ran around on her husband, it will probably make your husband extremely suspicious all the time. Couple that with alcohol, and the suspicion grows a hundredfold. I know how your night went. I've lived it myself, over and over. Oh, the scene may change a little (what will he tear up next?) But, it's still the same scene. I feel for you! I'd hug you, if I could. I know it is a very helpless feeling. And something in us just wants to "fix" it.
But you can't change him. You can only work on yourself. Start really looking in the mirror at yourself, and see what a beautiful, amazing person you are. Focus on yourself and your kids, and find some happiness in the little things. Light some scented candles, turn on some soft spiritual music, and take a bubble bath. It's a start.
Hugs, Lyn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: CapeMay, New Jersey
Posts: 6
lyn
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I go thru the same thing everyday.. Myhouse is a mess, I look and feel old and yucky! My kids say mom you look great, my friends don't come over here, but they seem to think I have the patients of a saint! I look at them like "you're nuts...If you only knew how many times I expolode inside myself"
I find it hard sometimes to look at myself in the mirror. Not only cause of what He has to say but for I find myself finding more faults...I think learning to like yourself is probebly the hardest thing in all this! I keep saying if I would work out more..or if I didn't cut my hair... I think that though is from my own issues!
I'm finding the day getting easier. He has only called twice today so that is good, more relaxing when not dealing with constant phone calls.
I will take your and everyone elses advice and try to look for help for myself as well as my children..only thing is he will find out...kids talk and well he asks questions alot to get information he think he is lacking!
Thank you for writing me..I'm starting to get a better out look on today! Thanks!!!!
I find it hard sometimes to look at myself in the mirror. Not only cause of what He has to say but for I find myself finding more faults...I think learning to like yourself is probebly the hardest thing in all this! I keep saying if I would work out more..or if I didn't cut my hair... I think that though is from my own issues!
I'm finding the day getting easier. He has only called twice today so that is good, more relaxing when not dealing with constant phone calls.
I will take your and everyone elses advice and try to look for help for myself as well as my children..only thing is he will find out...kids talk and well he asks questions alot to get information he think he is lacking!
Thank you for writing me..I'm starting to get a better out look on today! Thanks!!!!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Here are phone numbers if you should need them.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women - 609/584-8107
Getting Help: Safety Planning
If you are still in the relationship:
Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
Keep change with you at all times.
Memorize all important numbers.
Establish a "code word or sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.
Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.
If you have left the relationship:
Change your phone number.
Screen calls.
Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
Avoid staying alone.
Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
Vary your routine.
Notify school and work contacts.
Call a shelter for battered women.
If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action. Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2’s), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)
Getting Help: Personal Safety Plan
The following steps are my plan for increasing my safety and preparing to protect myself in case of further abuse. Although I can’t control my abuser’s violence, I do have a choice about how I respond and how I get to safety. I will decide for myself if and when I will tell others that I have been abused, or that I am still at risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help protect me, if they know what is happening, and what they can do to help.
To increase my safety, I can do some or all of the following:
1. When I have to talk to my abuser in person, I can __________________________________________________ _______.
2. When I talk to my abuser on the phone, I can __________________________________________________ _______.
3. I will make up a "code word" for my family, co-workers, or friends, so they know when to call for help for me. My code word is __________________________________________________ _______.
4. When I feel a fight coming on, I will try to move to a place that is lowest risk for getting hurt such as ________________________ or (at work) ___________________________ or _________________________ . (at home) (in public)
5. I can tell my family, co-workers, boss, or a friend about my situation. I feel safe telling: __________________________________.
6. I can use an answering machine or ask my co-workers, friends or other family members to screen my calls and visitors. I have the right to not receive harassing phone calls. I can ask _______________________or ____________________ to help screen (home) (work) my phone calls.
7. I can keep change for phone calls with me at all times. I can call any of the following people for assistance or support if necessary and can ask them to call the police if they see my abuser bothering me.
friend_____________________________________ relative____________________________________ co-worker__________________________________ counselor__________________________________ shelter_____________________________________ other______________________________________
8. When leaving work I can: _____________________________________.
9. When walking, riding or driving home, if problems occur, I can: __________________________________________________ __________.
10. I can attend a support group for women who have been abused.
Support groups are held: ______________________________ at __________________________________________________ _________ .
11. Telephone Numbers I Need to Know:
Police/Sheriffs Department: __________________________________
Probation Officer: ___________________________________________
Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Program: ____________________
Counselor: __________________________________________________
Clergy Person: ______________________________________________
Attorney: __________________________________________________ _
Other: __________________________________________________ ____
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women - 609/584-8107
Getting Help: Safety Planning
If you are still in the relationship:
Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
Keep change with you at all times.
Memorize all important numbers.
Establish a "code word or sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.
Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.
If you have left the relationship:
Change your phone number.
Screen calls.
Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
Avoid staying alone.
Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
Vary your routine.
Notify school and work contacts.
Call a shelter for battered women.
If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action. Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2’s), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)
Getting Help: Personal Safety Plan
The following steps are my plan for increasing my safety and preparing to protect myself in case of further abuse. Although I can’t control my abuser’s violence, I do have a choice about how I respond and how I get to safety. I will decide for myself if and when I will tell others that I have been abused, or that I am still at risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help protect me, if they know what is happening, and what they can do to help.
To increase my safety, I can do some or all of the following:
1. When I have to talk to my abuser in person, I can __________________________________________________ _______.
2. When I talk to my abuser on the phone, I can __________________________________________________ _______.
3. I will make up a "code word" for my family, co-workers, or friends, so they know when to call for help for me. My code word is __________________________________________________ _______.
4. When I feel a fight coming on, I will try to move to a place that is lowest risk for getting hurt such as ________________________ or (at work) ___________________________ or _________________________ . (at home) (in public)
5. I can tell my family, co-workers, boss, or a friend about my situation. I feel safe telling: __________________________________.
6. I can use an answering machine or ask my co-workers, friends or other family members to screen my calls and visitors. I have the right to not receive harassing phone calls. I can ask _______________________or ____________________ to help screen (home) (work) my phone calls.
7. I can keep change for phone calls with me at all times. I can call any of the following people for assistance or support if necessary and can ask them to call the police if they see my abuser bothering me.
friend_____________________________________ relative____________________________________ co-worker__________________________________ counselor__________________________________ shelter_____________________________________ other______________________________________
8. When leaving work I can: _____________________________________.
9. When walking, riding or driving home, if problems occur, I can: __________________________________________________ __________.
10. I can attend a support group for women who have been abused.
Support groups are held: ______________________________ at __________________________________________________ _________ .
11. Telephone Numbers I Need to Know:
Police/Sheriffs Department: __________________________________
Probation Officer: ___________________________________________
Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Program: ____________________
Counselor: __________________________________________________
Clergy Person: ______________________________________________
Attorney: __________________________________________________ _
Other: __________________________________________________ ____
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Tricia,
You are NOT alone. Keep coming here, Tricia. Read, read, read and take it all in. Start to think about what all the people here tell you about where they have been, what they have experienced.
Although I am not living your life, for my A is my daughter, I KNOW there are such WISE, WISE women here who have lived your life and made changes to make their life better. You can too!!! (In fact, I see some of them taking you by the shoulders, looking you square in the eye and saying, LISTEN UP!!!!...smiles.)
Tricia, my heart goes out to you. Just take it one day at a time. My wish is that you would listen carefully to the women here who have lived your life and can identify with you and think about what they are telling you.
My desire for you is that you can make some changes in your life to make it better. Afterall....you CANNOT change him, so you will have to make some decisions to change something. Maybe just one little thing that would make your life easier. And I don't mean cowing down to him so life will be peaceful. Afterall Tricia, has that really worked? Doesn't sound like it. I also think of Dr. Phil and his question..."So how's that working for ya?"
As I've read on here...
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
Also, think about your children, Tricia. They are taking all of this in and it is and will affect their life.
And THANK YOU, MG, for your previous post. It was wonderful and I'm sure gave lots of women on here guidelines to go by when they, just like Tricia, feel like they are floundering.
My love to you, Tricia. Keeping you and your children in my prayers,
Hangin' In
You are NOT alone. Keep coming here, Tricia. Read, read, read and take it all in. Start to think about what all the people here tell you about where they have been, what they have experienced.
Although I am not living your life, for my A is my daughter, I KNOW there are such WISE, WISE women here who have lived your life and made changes to make their life better. You can too!!! (In fact, I see some of them taking you by the shoulders, looking you square in the eye and saying, LISTEN UP!!!!...smiles.)
Tricia, my heart goes out to you. Just take it one day at a time. My wish is that you would listen carefully to the women here who have lived your life and can identify with you and think about what they are telling you.
My desire for you is that you can make some changes in your life to make it better. Afterall....you CANNOT change him, so you will have to make some decisions to change something. Maybe just one little thing that would make your life easier. And I don't mean cowing down to him so life will be peaceful. Afterall Tricia, has that really worked? Doesn't sound like it. I also think of Dr. Phil and his question..."So how's that working for ya?"
As I've read on here...
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
Also, think about your children, Tricia. They are taking all of this in and it is and will affect their life.
And THANK YOU, MG, for your previous post. It was wonderful and I'm sure gave lots of women on here guidelines to go by when they, just like Tricia, feel like they are floundering.
My love to you, Tricia. Keeping you and your children in my prayers,
Hangin' In
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((Trisha)))
wish I could hug you in person,
wish I had the answers to give you
but those are for you to work out
find out what is right for you and the
children.
In the meantime,this is a good and
safe place to come.
keep trying to find an alanon meeting
the meeting is not about HIM !
it is for YOU ! There you will find a safe
room with people who know what your
going through (like this room) the effects
of alcohol are what we have all had and
still have to work on by following the
12 steps program and the guidance of
our Higher Power.
You are special and do not deserve the
treatment you've been given-
please keep seeking help !
mucho hug
liddy
wish I could hug you in person,
wish I had the answers to give you
but those are for you to work out
find out what is right for you and the
children.
In the meantime,this is a good and
safe place to come.
keep trying to find an alanon meeting
the meeting is not about HIM !
it is for YOU ! There you will find a safe
room with people who know what your
going through (like this room) the effects
of alcohol are what we have all had and
still have to work on by following the
12 steps program and the guidance of
our Higher Power.
You are special and do not deserve the
treatment you've been given-
please keep seeking help !
mucho hug
liddy
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