sunshinebluesky

makes a person not care about having a relationship anymore? is it a personality thing,is it being jaded,is it really about being happy within yourself and leading a self-fullfulling life?
i know a few women that have not been with men-at all-for years. they say they are happy this way,but i kind of dont believe it. seems to me that they have put themselves into a place...i dont know,i cant explain it--where i myself dont want to be. these ones that i know,dont even go out and do anthing on their own.they wouldnt think of going anywhere,alone as some of us do--out to eat,to the beach,museums,etc. it almost seems they fill their time with alot of superficial crap.
i get lonely for the touch of a man. i just cant understand how you get to where you dont care anymore. sometimes,i think i am there, but it never lasts.and the thought of never ever having love in my life again,well,it just makes me depressed!
any thoughts on this--from both sexes? from those who want,and those who dont?

rider

Hi Sunshine,

I can relate so very much. I finally got out of my relationship with my ex-Abf and then I had a relationship too quickly with someone not really available to me. I was rushing too much to replace my ex-Abf too soon, to replace that hole in my life as a couple. For several months, I was frantic about never having a man in my life again. I love men. Even the ex-Abf. He had his good points, but being an abusive A isn't one of them.

I seem to have come to this place in my head recently where I really am going to take some time and be with myself for awhile. I am lonesome often. Lonesome for a relationship and all that it brings, not lonesome for company per se. I have friends, and i have my daughter. But it's not like having a guy around to help with stuff around the house, to cuddle with, to sleep with, to cook for (cooking is definitely not as much fun anymore), to bounce ideas off of. I personally function better within a relationship. But it needs to be a healthy one.

Even though I am not 20something anymore, I still look darn good , I know I am intelligent, and have a good sense of humor and like to laugh, and I know that when the time is right, by serendipity or happenstance I will meet someone who is right for me. And if I don't? Well, I guess I just don't. But I'm not trying to read the future these days, I'm just trying to be happy and make sure I am in the best mental place when I make a choice for a partner. As I am 50 now, and have been through quite a bit over the past few years with Abf, I am hoping that I take all that I learned and I get it right the next time! I definitely know the red flags and warning signals now (i was so naive in some ways for my AGE!) and will be able to not let those men into my life to wreak havoc and waste my precious time.

I have women friends too who have no one, and haven't for years. They say they like it that way. Maybe they do. Or maybe they are afraid of intimacy. But that is not what I want. I want to be in a loving and healthy relationship. It will happen. And it will happen for you when the time is right.

Best,
Linda

sunshinebluesky

good response linda,very well put. i am in your age ballpark,and have been feeling basically the same way,and actually did the same as you awhile after my relationship ended.but it was really ok with me,as this time i do seem to be enjoying the time spent single,and wasnt as hell bent as i had been in the past on finding a serious replacement.
most days i am content,on whatever will be. yep,exactly how i feel and have always felt and yes,indeed-it does...........

beginning2c

Sunshine, my mother was married to my dad who ran around on her all the time. The broke up once a year and we always moved away only to come back to him the next year. They got divorced once and then remarried the next year! He died 6 months after their remarriage.
My mother was a widow at 35. She is 72 now and has never wanted another man in her life. SHe claims she is quite happy alone and that men are nothing but trouble and pain.
I can understand where she comes from, but I am with you, I don't wanna be alone/ I have made way too many bad choices in men in my life. I finally got to the age where I won't tolerate abuse, drugs, or any kind of bad behavior any more from any man. Belive it or not, there are GOOD men out there. I have met one.
I think if a woman can take care of herself and doesn't have to depend on a man she is less likely to settle for the bad guy.

rider

my mom too 2C. she never had another serious man in her life after she and my dad divorced. claimed they are too much trouble.

but i'm not sure about the if a woman can take care of herself etc.... i did take care of myself, financially, great job, owned my own home, physically, mentally, and got totally sucked in by a handsome, charming, lying, addict. i was very naive. i didn't know people like that before. it was my worst nightmare. never again.

sunshinebluesky

i have to agree with that....ive always been independent and self sufficient-i had to be. and still,never met the right one. so,i dont think that is always the case. i think its more about staying on longer than you should,ignoring important differences,ignoring red flags,etc and still letting yourself get deeply,emotionally involved.
on my good days,i find myself not even beating myself up about it,but thinking that maybe its just my own personal process of this thing called LIFE.i just need more good days!

ICU

I've never gone from relationship to relationship. I've known people that have done that, and well, that's their business. It just wasn't for me.

The most misery I have ever encountered in my life was while I was in a relationship. At least I've discovered that part of the reason for that was because I stayed much longer than I should have. Found that to be true in other aspects of my life as well. And then with my upbringing and my codie nature, I would be attracted to the 'wrong' person and vice-versa. At least I'm aware of it now and perhaps the next relationship I'm in will be different with this new-found knowledge; but maybe not!!!

I am basically a happy person by myself. I can go to dinner, the movies, the beach (well, used to), almost anywhere by myself. The only problem I encounter is not what others think of me for doing that, but rather their behavior towards me. It's the age-old thing, woman by herself, must be lonely, must be looking for someone, an easy catch! I don't think the men that I've encountered can understand that a woman can be independent enough to pursue her hobbies and interests without a man being a part of it!

I used to go to photograph sunrises at the beach. Had to stop doing that for safety reasons. Just about the time I set up my tripod and began taking pix, stragglers from the bars would come and crash at the beach. Of course in their 'state of mind' seeing a woman by herself, well, she must be looking for someone. It enfuriates me that I had to stop pursuing something that I loved because it was dangerous to do so because of other people's actions. Sorry, getting off track.

Yes, right now I'm jaded, hurt, and afraid to try again right now. But that's normal, and it's ok. This is where I'm supposed to be and I'm at peace with it.

Right now I'm on an intense journey of self discovery. I don't think it would be fair to a new man in my life, or myself for that matter to begin a relationship. I have too many things to work out for myself right now.

I'm not going to say "I'll never be involved with a man again". That would be silly. But, it would also be silly for me to pursue something when I know in my heart I'm not ready. I need to close ALL doors to the past before I can open a new door with someone in the future. I look at it this way, the more crap I get out of my system, leaves more room for the 'good' to enter!

Relationships mean different things to different people. Some people require or desire more attention than others. Some people like to go to football games, while others like to walk through the peaceful woods. Some like to go to amusement parks while others like listen to jazz or classical music. And it's all ok. Different strokes for different folks! It's whatever suits you as an individual that matters.

megamysterioso

The longest that I've gone without a relationship, including sex, is 1 1/2 years. I must say that looking back on that time, it was the most carefree 1 1/2 years of my life since I started dating! I hung out with the girls a lot and did plenty of my own things to occupy my time. I was not obsessed with finding anyone- just content at the way things were.

I'm only 34 and am confident that if my AH and I divorce that I will have options in the man dept. I honestly don't want or need to rush into anything soon after though. People are different. For me it is not too big of deal to "be alone." It is much better than either being with someone you can't stand or "just settling." Best of luck to you.

nutz

Jaded !!!!!
I went from relationship to relationship, one night stands,
and one the left/one on the right, as a young man.
Of course that in itself gives me a higher % of being Jaded.
It's like It was normal..the women knew I was on a rebound.
And of course, these women would want to heal/fix me.

It's like a journey or a process in it's own right.
After every heart break, I'm forced to look at myself more
and more, little by litte. It's also growth in a way, becuase
every realationship I get envolve in, last longer and longer.
And I try not to make the same mistakes as the last one.
But as each realationship last longer...I'm confronted with
different issues and that I havn't dealt with.
My marriage=2 years, next relationship=6 year, next=9years

Then you get to that piont....I can't depend on anybody
for my happiness and the only person that can love me the
most, is me. I live with myself 24/7...so i better learn to
get to know myself better and love myself first.

It also helps that I'm a older and my body ain't pump the
libido drive..So i'm thinking with my mind and not my head.
Lord almigthy...I don't ever wnat to be a teenage boy, again.
And of course women gose thur the clock be a ticking and
gose thur this right around 30. Being 19 was fun for what it was.
But there was something missing..that special someone to
share my hopes and dreams. My failure and my victories.

And of course when you meet that speacial someone.
You open up, U love more than you can imagine.
Then when it all gose south. It hurts more than u can imagine.
So each time..I feel JADED, And I don't know if you can
ever go through that again. I don't know if I can ever love
again, becuase I put my heart and soul into every relationship,
and it all falls to pieces.OOUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!. It breaks every part
of my mind , body and soul.

And it also a process of me finding GOD. The unconditional love
The perfect LOVE and I learn that ,That's the most important
relationship I can ever have. And of course
"First things First"....have special meaning and vaules to me.
and spitual saying like......
" a broken heart is also an open heart". I can comprehend.

equus

I spent nearly a decade alone from my early twenties. It took me till the age of 23-4 to figure the being with someone rather than alone wasn't for me.

there were times I was lonely, of course there were but if some guy was trying to move a 'stage closer' it felt like unwrapping a chrimbo pressy I didn't want - so I would kill it stone dead!! Then would come the feeling of going home alone, me smiling like a cheshire cat to have my space, to not have some guy in tow I really didn't want.

I looked at other people and knew most (with a few exceptions) were far from happy relationships, I didn't have their arguments, I didn't have the upset, I didn't have someone in my house I didn't really want.

There was one guy I thought about, he even lodged with me for a while (like rented a room!!). He's a lovely lad, a good friend, a doctorate in Geology, kind - I can't find a word against him and he was definately available to me, except I kept it firmly as friends only. I didn't love him like that, perhaps I would have left him had real love shown up - or stayed out of duty and let it pass. That was enough for me to value him far too much to offer any more than a good friendship I still have.

Now years ago D had only been a friend - kept that way absolutely, but when he returned a decade later he was different, he was alive and part of life, not wishing he was dead. Instead of the feeling of a christmas present I didn't really want - this was a present I couldn't even have dreamt up. I knew without doubt I wanted my life to be with him.

What if I hadn't been alone? What if I hadn't been truly free to make that choice? What if to be with him had meant hurting someone else deeply? I know the answers - it could not/would not have brought me the joy I have freely now.

I'm very glad I was alone. I'm VERY glad I held hard to what I knew I didn't want. Despite occasional pangs of loneliness the VAST majority of the time I valued my intruderless house, my space and no-one to have to share it with.

Now I value all I have to share but I'm the same person and would make all the same decisions.