Curious, are you still with your AH?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
About me...
Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse?
***Yes.
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
***He is still drinking.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
***Some days. Although I am aware of when I am doing it and regret it afterwards.
I make a choice every day. I love my husband. He is a good man. He is a sick man. I can't help him. I can't leave him. I am a good person. I find joy each day. For whatever reason, I have this life. I am growing stronger and smarter at every turn. I love my husband....and he is sick...for today....I did not leave.
Jenny
***Yes.
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
***He is still drinking.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
***Some days. Although I am aware of when I am doing it and regret it afterwards.
I make a choice every day. I love my husband. He is a good man. He is a sick man. I can't help him. I can't leave him. I am a good person. I find joy each day. For whatever reason, I have this life. I am growing stronger and smarter at every turn. I love my husband....and he is sick...for today....I did not leave.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ontario, CA
Posts: 4
Still Married & Still Miserable
This is going to be kinda long because I had a bit of a rough day. It started when I went to get some lunch and my car broke down in the middle of the street. Honestly, I was surprised it didn't do it sooner and did what I needed to (got it towed to repair shop, got rental, etc. all on my own). Won't know until tomorrow what the damage & cost will be. The biggest issue is the cost because I don't want to have to go into the money I've saved towards moving.
Now to answer the question. I am married and have been for 12 years, but together about 22 years. We have three sons (16, 14 &10 yrs old). I got home this evening and he was mad because he cleans up more than I do or the kids. I've made an attempt to teach our sons how to do chores around the house, but he's never taken the time to teach them. All he does is yell at them and blame me. While he was yelling and screaming, I told him if he wants them to wash the dishes, then make them go do the dishes! He told me that the kids do them wrong and that "I" told them to let the water run while they washed them
which they said "no we didn't". It always comes back to me and I am tired. The thing is, these are our kids and they didn't ask to come here. If you want them to be more responsible, you have to teach them and give them the tools they need. You can assume that commonsense will kick in or that they automatically know. He doens't (won't) participate, but blames me for everything he feels is wrong with them.
He is also trying to raise me and he can't because I am already grown. I get so tired of having these anxiety issues when he's on one of his rants. It's like a knot in my stomach and at times my breathing is hard. I am so tired - why do I have to be the punching bag? Why do the kids have to be treated like this? He has a daughter and doesn't treat her this way, but then that's a different story.
I want to hurry up so that I can move out, but won't know until tomorrow how bad damage to car is.
Now to answer the question. I am married and have been for 12 years, but together about 22 years. We have three sons (16, 14 &10 yrs old). I got home this evening and he was mad because he cleans up more than I do or the kids. I've made an attempt to teach our sons how to do chores around the house, but he's never taken the time to teach them. All he does is yell at them and blame me. While he was yelling and screaming, I told him if he wants them to wash the dishes, then make them go do the dishes! He told me that the kids do them wrong and that "I" told them to let the water run while they washed them
which they said "no we didn't". It always comes back to me and I am tired. The thing is, these are our kids and they didn't ask to come here. If you want them to be more responsible, you have to teach them and give them the tools they need. You can assume that commonsense will kick in or that they automatically know. He doens't (won't) participate, but blames me for everything he feels is wrong with them.He is also trying to raise me and he can't because I am already grown. I get so tired of having these anxiety issues when he's on one of his rants. It's like a knot in my stomach and at times my breathing is hard. I am so tired - why do I have to be the punching bag? Why do the kids have to be treated like this? He has a daughter and doesn't treat her this way, but then that's a different story.
I want to hurry up so that I can move out, but won't know until tomorrow how bad damage to car is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
I don't live with alcoholics. I am one though. I had 2 ex husbands, one who was viloent and abusive. The last time I was involved with a drinking partner was 20 years ago.
Each of those sick relationships helped bring me to my own "bottom" and to see that I needed to make changes in my own life and to leave the relationship was the only healthy choice for me.
Although I did not want to be a single parent, I did end up raising my daughter as a single mom, yet, given the same scenario again, I would not do it differently. Even for all the hardship that it meant, I was proud that I was not selling my soul for a meal ticket. I had to work many jobs and it was difficult, but today we are soooooo much better. I own my own business, I have a profession, have written books, and my daughter is doing well in her life.
She still has a good relationship with her active A father, and she has commented to me many times how grateful she is to have been raised in a SOBER, yet humble, home. She sees all the drama in his house and it actually makes her sick. He has lots of money and things, but no joy or spirituality.
I may always have CODIE tendencies just as I always have alcoholism, however, I have a great program and spiritual life today. This means that I listen inside myself, if something isnt right I do not continue with it. Change IS good.
Each of those sick relationships helped bring me to my own "bottom" and to see that I needed to make changes in my own life and to leave the relationship was the only healthy choice for me.
Although I did not want to be a single parent, I did end up raising my daughter as a single mom, yet, given the same scenario again, I would not do it differently. Even for all the hardship that it meant, I was proud that I was not selling my soul for a meal ticket. I had to work many jobs and it was difficult, but today we are soooooo much better. I own my own business, I have a profession, have written books, and my daughter is doing well in her life.
She still has a good relationship with her active A father, and she has commented to me many times how grateful she is to have been raised in a SOBER, yet humble, home. She sees all the drama in his house and it actually makes her sick. He has lots of money and things, but no joy or spirituality.
I may always have CODIE tendencies just as I always have alcoholism, however, I have a great program and spiritual life today. This means that I listen inside myself, if something isnt right I do not continue with it. Change IS good.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
I am with my partner. I guess I still think the good outweighs the bad, even though some days it doesn't seem so
She is 13 years with no drink but smokes hash whenever she has it now.
Yes, I still think I don't do myself justice sometimes.
She is 13 years with no drink but smokes hash whenever she has it now.
Yes, I still think I don't do myself justice sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
I am still with my RAH, 16 months sober. He is a wonderful person and a fantastic father and I have just seen this the last 16 months though I knew it when we got together almost 7 years ago.
I guess I am an active codie because I slip from time to time in my recovery. I recognize things a ton faster though and correct my behavior for me. I am a grateful member of al-anon and have been for 18 months.
I guess I am an active codie because I slip from time to time in my recovery. I recognize things a ton faster though and correct my behavior for me. I am a grateful member of al-anon and have been for 18 months.
Clyde's Bonnie
.gif)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
sunshine- i am with my abf- who has been clean for 116 days- however when the negatives outweigh the positives i will pack up the children and leave the state, as for now i can deal with what is going on and i am happy, it all depends on how much is too much for each individual person and situation
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I have been married for 14 years. Right now I can honestly say happily married. Yes he is still drinking. He struggled with trying to quit this past summer, went to AA, sober for about a month. Now he is trying to drink in moderation he has one beer, 3-4 times a week. So far he has been able to maintain this level. Am I codepentent, probably, but I am a work in progress.
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by miss communicat
I don't live with alcoholics. I am one though. I had 2 ex husbands, one who was viloent and abusive. The last time I was involved with a drinking partner was 20 years ago.
Each of those sick relationships helped bring me to my own "bottom" and to see that I needed to make changes in my own life and to leave the relationship was the only healthy choice for me.
Although I did not want to be a single parent, I did end up raising my daughter as a single mom, yet, given the same scenario again, I would not do it differently. Even for all the hardship that it meant, I was proud that I was not selling my soul for a meal ticket. I had to work many jobs and it was difficult, but today we are soooooo much better. I own my own business, I have a profession, have written books, and my daughter is doing well in her life.
She still has a good relationship with her active A father, and she has commented to me many times how grateful she is to have been raised in a SOBER, yet humble, home. She sees all the drama in his house and it actually makes her sick. He has lots of money and things, but no joy or spirituality.
I may always have CODIE tendencies just as I always have alcoholism, however, I have a great program and spiritual life today. This means that I listen inside myself, if something isnt right I do not continue with it. Change IS good.
Each of those sick relationships helped bring me to my own "bottom" and to see that I needed to make changes in my own life and to leave the relationship was the only healthy choice for me.
Although I did not want to be a single parent, I did end up raising my daughter as a single mom, yet, given the same scenario again, I would not do it differently. Even for all the hardship that it meant, I was proud that I was not selling my soul for a meal ticket. I had to work many jobs and it was difficult, but today we are soooooo much better. I own my own business, I have a profession, have written books, and my daughter is doing well in her life.
She still has a good relationship with her active A father, and she has commented to me many times how grateful she is to have been raised in a SOBER, yet humble, home. She sees all the drama in his house and it actually makes her sick. He has lots of money and things, but no joy or spirituality.
I may always have CODIE tendencies just as I always have alcoholism, however, I have a great program and spiritual life today. This means that I listen inside myself, if something isnt right I do not continue with it. Change IS good.
Still married to my recovering AH! I love him, always have and no matter what, I always will, he has given me the three greatest gifts in my life, my boys, I am forever grateful.
He was 50 days yesterday, and he had no idea, and neither did I until he told me. He said, "They asked at my meeting if anyone was counting days and he said yes and then had to figure out how many he had... we both had a good chuckle.
Me, I have figured, from this site, that I am a mixed bag -- I went to AA back in 1994, got a 90 day chip and never went back, stayed sober 9 months. I even quit my DOC - Pot - 9even though I never considered is a drug,
)went back to that first and eventually went back to drinking, never did daily or even weekly, sometimes weeks at a time would go by but 90% of times I drank, I drank to blackout. I have learned it is not matter how much, or how often, you drink or drug but what it DOES to you. I quit July of 2004. That was when my now, RAH, started losing control. So I stopped at that point. No support system, no 12 steps, just the thought of not being in "complete control", when my hub was so out of it, scared me. I went from user/abuser, my pot smoking was daily, to co-dependent, (and an angry one at that) almost on a dime. I found this site a year + later and was, from the outside, the spouse of, although I realize, I was both the whole time. I have been called, by a woman at an Alanon meeting, a double winner. Labels, whatever, right now I am working my own program towards peace. And I am "hands off" on my husbands program, I've got enough on my own plate! No matter what happens tomorrow, I am better off today! 
to Rhinogal... hope to get to know you better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hey Paula my Double-Winner HATZ buddy,
You! actually blow MY mind, in a good way! I am in awe of your positive energy, and of how helpful you've been, with Rae and staying in touch all the time, with so much on your own plate.
Didnt mean to hijack sunshine's thread here, but, wanted to say "hey" back at you!
You! actually blow MY mind, in a good way! I am in awe of your positive energy, and of how helpful you've been, with Rae and staying in touch all the time, with so much on your own plate.
Didnt mean to hijack sunshine's thread here, but, wanted to say "hey" back at you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Left AH just over a year ago and filed for divorce last fall. Coming up on the end of the mandatory waiting period to go to court to make it final which I will definitely do. No going back, no desire to do so. Is he still drinking or in recovery? Dunno. Not my business anymore. I'd be very surprised if he were in recovery as I see no signs of it what little contact we have. I don't believe a word he says anymore so I don't even bother to ask how he's doing. Not my business anymore. He had been dry 13 years when we married but was never in recovery - I didn't know the difference til too late. He has not shown any ability to even comprehend that there is a difference so I have no expectation he'll ever go into recovery. And I still wouldn't go back even if he did. All the milk's been spilt, there's no more coming from that source.
Is he working a program? He would never tell me if he weren't. Is he drinking? I don't ask and make no assumptions. No point.
I would say I'm no longer codependent with him.
Is he working a program? He would never tell me if he weren't. Is he drinking? I don't ask and make no assumptions. No point.
I would say I'm no longer codependent with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My A dumped me! (am able to say now, thank you!)
His drinking has escalated, his life is endangered due to it and all of his problems have grown worse and he is dealing with it by drinking more and more dangerously.
I am very glad to be out of that insanity and drama and heartbreak. I really couldn't assess my current codie status, but the situation that brought out the worst behaviors no longer exists.
I do talk to him. It has helped bring me understanding and closure.
That was after 2 years of no contact and a firm agreement regarding respect.
He has had other girlfriends and I feel sorry for the hell they have been through.
I must add, this relationship had the added dimension of abusiveness. It could never have been salvaged and made healthy. Getting dumped just saved my life.
I have re-married into a calm, mutual, honest, stable and respectful relationship.
I couldn't imagine surviving the chaos for all these years if I were still with the A. I would never go back.
live
His drinking has escalated, his life is endangered due to it and all of his problems have grown worse and he is dealing with it by drinking more and more dangerously.
I am very glad to be out of that insanity and drama and heartbreak. I really couldn't assess my current codie status, but the situation that brought out the worst behaviors no longer exists.
I do talk to him. It has helped bring me understanding and closure.
That was after 2 years of no contact and a firm agreement regarding respect.
He has had other girlfriends and I feel sorry for the hell they have been through.
I must add, this relationship had the added dimension of abusiveness. It could never have been salvaged and made healthy. Getting dumped just saved my life.
I have re-married into a calm, mutual, honest, stable and respectful relationship.
I couldn't imagine surviving the chaos for all these years if I were still with the A. I would never go back.
live
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