Curious, are you still with your AH?

Old 02-22-2006, 09:35 AM
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Curious, are you still with your AH?

So many of us here. Some I sort of know their story when I see their name, others I don't so much. If you feel like sharing, I'd love to know more about you.

Just some basic questions. Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse (or whoever the A is in your life)? Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober? Do you feel you are still actively codependant?

I'll start....

I am currently still with AH but plan on moving next weekend. He is not in recovery but had an accident a few months ago and swore he'd never drink. He did not seek any type of help and a few weeks ago, drank for the first time since the accident. So I guess, yes, he is still drinking. I am still in the beginning stages of learning about myself and wher eI stand in all of this.
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Old 02-22-2006, 09:54 AM
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Hi Sunshine I am newly married July this year. I knew my AH drank before the marriage but I am older and felt that I could handle what I had seen and been through. I felt that I am older and wanted a child and now that has all changed. My ah functional responsible duty bound the boss too. Drinks. He doesn't drink every day but most evenings and weekends. His family does too and many have died of liver cancer. He will too I think. He is older too. He doesn't realize there is a problem and sees me lately I think as causing a problem. I have read many posts here about enabling and I do feel I am still a codependant and I am sick of it. I have been a codie for a long time and not with an alcoholic but an adult child of an alcoholic my mom. I am tired. I need to make a move but I stay because I love the idea of finally being loved and I want a dream that has yet to be fulfilled and I feel devastated about all of this. Yes I am still with my AH. We go to counselling and I think that I will stop our counselling soon because he doesn't see any problem but I do. He pushes all my buttons ( I allow them to be pushed) and we have these really bad episodes that bring me to tears and I haven't stopped crying since the last one. I have a lot of emotions wrapped up here and I am greiving it all out now. I feel devastated. I am happy for you. You I have followed since I came to SR and I think you are doing what is right for you and your family.
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:01 AM
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I filed for divorce from my AH on September 30th 2005. It was a very difficult thing to do, and I went through a period of a few months of intense grief and anxiety, but now things are beginning to settle down and I feel like I can finally breathe. Both of my parents were alcoholics and when I was 17 I left the nest to move in with AH. I truly thought we were soul mates- he seemed so familiar- but now I realize it was the crazy alcoholic behavior that was familiar- not the man! Tomorrow would be the 11-year anniversary of our first date. I am so much happier now, I actually know what to expect when I come home at night.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but the rewards are SO worth it. A wise woman told me the following, and I keep it up on my fridge when I start to miss him:

"Sometimes a permanent loss is better than a sense of possibility that keeps bringing new hope and then dashing it time and time again. You can move past the impossible once you accept it as such, but it is very difficult to move past hope and need. I just believe that leopards don't change their spots, bears can't learn ballet, and pigs don't fly over a frozen hell, ya know?"

I got sick of his promises and being blamed for everything that he had failed at in life. He had me to a point where I believed that no one would ever want me- but I decided I would rather be alone than to continue with Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde. Now that I am free, the opportunities for healthy love have been everywhere. I am taking care of myself instead of AH now- and it feels great!

By the way, I'm new here. I'm Susan. Hi!
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:13 AM
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I have been married to my AH for 13 years. The first five years were sober years (dry drunk as I see it now), followed by 2 years of social drinking that included me, then five years of binge drinking excluding me totally. (he had "friends" to drink and party with if you know what I mean).

December 2005, went into treatment, I thought my prayers were answered and I guess in a way they were, but treatment was followed by a year of the worst hell I have ever been through in my life. I stuck it out. Why? 1. I have a deep love for this man and knew he was a wonderful person sober. 2. He was working very hard to change and I chose to give that a chance. 3. What he endured from me in that year, no human should have to endure, but he stuck it out with me because he loves me also. 3. I was damned if I was going to go through all this with him, the drinking, cheating, lying, treatment, counseling, aftercare. See him get better and then turn him over to some other woman to enjoy the benefits of all the hard work we did together....lol.

I think we are over the hump, but he knows if he goes back to the way he was, I go, no looking back, no contact, no more second chances. I have told him this is a one shot deal, no drinking, no cheating and no beating (never has, but just throw it in for good measure). He understands and agrees.

Thing is I don't know if I could walk away for just the drinking part, I guess it depended on the circumstances and I have told him that too.
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:36 AM
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Hello Rhinogal, nice to meet you. Keep postiing and sounds as if you are on your way to a better place! Love the quote.

Harleygirl, your story has such a nice ending. One I've wished for, struggle with and hope for. Only, my ah's time line and mine are off, LOL.


Irish, you stay strong!
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:40 AM
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and irish, why have you been crying? what did he say/do that has you so upset? Sometimes when you put it out there and read it for yourself, you gain a new perspective and see it in such a way that the tears stop falling. share if you feel you are up to it.
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:50 AM
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The A in my life (besides myself) is my mother. I suppose that's a little different then having an A spouse but this is "friends and family" after all..............

My mother is 59 years old and has been sober for 3 years now. It's just been the last year or so that I don't smell her drinks when she is over at my house. She seems to be doing great. She got sober without AA and without much outside help. Which does scare me a little. The fact that she literally almost drank herself to death was her bottom. She just remembers how she felt then and I think that's what keeps her sober today.

My father is also an A and has been sober for something like 35 or 40 years. He's an avid AA member. He gives meetings at the local jail and loves it. He also attends Al-anon.

I couldn't leave my mother while she was actively drinking. She did live with me for a short time after being kicked out of about 7 differnt places including 4 half-way houses. When she moved in I told her she could live with me as long as she wasn't drinking. She kept on drinking so I had to kick her out. It was about 6 or 7 months later that she ended up in ICU on her death bed. It was hard to do but I'm glad I did it now.

I love my mom. I love her for how strong she has been over the last 3 years. I love her for being a better person today. I love her for finally loving herself. I love her for being alive. I love having my mother back today. I missed her so much. I actually have a mom again.

~doll

P.S. Hi Rhinogal......nice to meet you!
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Old 02-22-2006, 10:54 AM
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Paperdolls, I'm glad you have your mom back too!
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:01 AM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse (or whoever the A is in your life)?
Yes!! And very glad to be - I would marry him just as fast as I did for all the same reasons. One of those reasons was that he was fighting back - it hasn't been an easy battle but he also hasn't given in.
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
It's been 3 1/2 months since he last drank but since August lapses have been isolated and he hasn't regularly drank. I think his recovery started long before he managed to actually stop drinking - before then he had to begin to want to live and for me that's the biggy.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
Nope - I don't think I was either. There were things I needed to learn and plenty I've benefitted from learning but I don't believe I was sick. I respect people feel it describes something they are ill with but it isn't recognised as a diagnosis and I believe what I felt was fairly rational responses from the begining - they got more informed but I think they were always fairly rational.
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:33 AM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse (or whoever the A is in your life)?
Yes I am; he's my fiancé, we've been together nearly 2 years. I'm the love of his life and he is mine. I'm 51 and he is 45.
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
Phil has been an alcoholic for over 20 years and seeking to stay sober for about 8 years; he has had 1 major relapse and one minor relapse in the last 3 years.
He is 6 weeks sober after a short relapse.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
I made a few mistakes in the early days due to ignorance of alcoholism; I soon remedied that lack of knowledge through research and joining SR.
Phil deals with his alcoholism; I support him.

Last edited by susane1408; 02-22-2006 at 11:39 AM. Reason: Got the sober weeks wrong! I put 5 should be 6!!
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:35 AM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse?
No, she moved out the end of 2004, we were divorced Oct. 2005
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
She is still drinking. Advanced stages physical and mental condition.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
Guilty of rescuing and enabling behavior before I got an education. But strangely enough, never did this in any other relationship before. It seems this only surfaced when hooked up w/ and active A, either bad karma or a ticking time bomb in me I guess.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:48 AM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse?
No...She had been drinking, sent her to rehab. Then she had an affair with another drunk she met in Rehab. That was the last straw. Kicked her out in August. Legally separated since November 05.
Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
She is still drinking. Just got another DWI. May now face jail time. Still having affair with rehab lover....with tragic consequences.
Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
Yes.....but I trying to learn!
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Old 02-22-2006, 12:11 PM
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You are kidding, aren't you? I ran out of reasons to stay when I realised that all the reasons were unhealthy ones.

Still drinking? I guess so, judging by his behaviour.

Actively co-dependent? Largely not, although my thinking gets a bit twisted sometimes. Difference is I notice it now before I act.
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Old 02-22-2006, 12:28 PM
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Last alcoholic was September 2004..Now dating a wonderful guy for the past 8 months..Finally understand what a healthy relationship looks like..No drama, no name calling, no abuse..nada..a lot of love and caring..

As far as I know all the ex abfs in my life are still drinking..(and they go back for 19+ years)...

Actively co-dependent? Not really..I'm also an active member of Alanon for almost 2 years so meetings and my sponsor keep my thinking in check..as well as working the steps..
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:35 PM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse (or whoever the A is in your life)?
Ah moved out March of 2004 - my choice. I filed for dissolution this past year - he didn't sign. So we are still married.

Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
Currently he is not drinking (that I know of). Last drink was sometime in July of 2005. He is not working a program of any kind. Noticing patterns and behaviours that tend to fall under the "dry drunk" description.

Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
I'd say that I'm not an active codependant anymore (But I believe this depends on what you mean by active. I don't enable, I don't rescue, etc) - though there are areas where I know that I could still improve on (I'm working on those).
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:45 PM
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Alone and loving it.......
Gone since May 2005.
Still in major denial (he is, I'm not)
Getting better every day and loving it.....
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:29 PM
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Are you currently still with your alcoholic spouse (or whoever the A is in your life)?
Married for 13 years

Are they still drinking or recovering and how long sober?
Sober for 10 months with daily meetings, working steps etc.

Do you feel you are still actively codependant?
No, but I really have to work on this daily. It is so easy to slip back into old behaviour.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:31 PM
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Hi, yes still with my AH. He is still in the process of recovery. He is now back in AA. Had a few relapses. He is also in counseling as well on an indiviudal basis. Late last summer, he was dx with bipolar disorder and we have been working on getting that under control as that can make alcoholism worse.

I think he wants to get better. As long as I can see effort, I'm willing to stand by. But for instance, say there was no effort at all, I would leave.

I had some counseling as well, it helped immensely. I've read a lot about alcoholism and codependency, etc. I've grown a lot myself. This exp. has forever changed me.
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Old 02-22-2006, 06:54 PM
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This is the first time that I've posted here. But, I've been reading posts since I found this forum a couple of months ago. But yes, I'm living with an AH. And have been for five years. We've been married for almost three years now (together seven years total) and I've heard all of the promises that things will get better and he will cut back and of course, the excuses as why he just HAS to drink EVERY SINGLE night. When we first got together, he wasn't drinking every night. But now that I look back, I wasn't with him every single night back then so I guess I really don't know. Although there were some nights that he didn't drink even five years ago. It's just gotten worse and worse. I'm struggling with what to do with my life. I think that I will go out and buy the book that's been mentioned about detachment. I had never heard of that before now. It's definitely worth a try until I can figure out what I'm going to do. I have to say that reading everyone's posts have helped me a lot. So, thank you all.
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Old 02-22-2006, 07:40 PM
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I have more than one qualifier. My brother - he died from alcohol induced epilepsy in 1995. My father - he died drunk in a car in 2001. My second husband - he died from cirrohsis in 2002. I had a live in b/f for the last couple of years - he was both an alcoholic and a heroin addict. He got off the dope and got on the booze. He left here a few weeks ago. He was not using (that I know of) but he was drinking. He is probably strung out by now, but I don't know because I don't have contact. What does "actively codependent" mean anyway? I have a program. I may not work it perfectly but I have one. I still slip up and say yes when I should say no and I still become "irritable and unreasonable" but now I know when I am acting insane. Am I actively codependent? Probably.
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