ASpouse

Dan you think just like a co-dependent. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and learn that as long as she is drinking you cannot communicate with her in any way that will make sense.

You sent such a nice email .... and she sent such a rude one. Typical alcoholic/co-dependent stuff.

Why you can't bring yourself to find a meeting for you? Well, because you think y ou can handle this on your own of course!

denny57

Hi Dan. Al-Anon is not a moot point right now. In fact, I highly recommend it. It is not about the other person and whether they drink or stop. It's about YOU. All these questions you are asking - you may find the answers you need by attending Al-Anon. I cannot urge you enough to give it a shot. Like they say, if you're not happy after six meetings, we'll gladly refund your misery. I should add that 6 months ago - I was saying EXACTLY what you are saying.

megamysterioso

I understand how hard it is to "turn the other cheek." I've learned to do it over the years, but it was not easy. I still have moments where it takes everything in me. My solid advice to you and take it as you want it... do not marry her, let her go. It will not get better once you are married (even if she promises you that it will). You will be in for a lot of heartache. Just the mere fact that we have to live with these options: a) turn the other cheek to your loved one or b) fight with your loved one is ridiculous. It is not living.

Pick-a-name

Put that way....the insanity (of my life) is glaring! Thanks!

megamysterioso

My insanity is glaring back at me too!!! It really is THAT simple, but I'm still here and married to my AH. If I were lucky enough to be in Dan's position- not married- I would RUN for the hills.

dan1958

mega. Im sorry your going through this yourself I read some of your thead. Its all pretty much the same thing for all of us just different players! I learning alot here from all of you. I know from where your at my situation is easy. And might end up with a break up. I wish it was that easy for me too. But,stay strong yourself People you never meet before are pushing for you.

megamysterioso

Thanks Dan. Yes, it is the same sad story over and over again with all of us. I know your situation is not an easy one to be in even if you're not married. You have love for her and you had all of these hopes and dreams that you thought would include her. Any time there is love involved, things are not easy! I really hope that you gain some good insight here though.

Let me just say that when me my AH were engaged, I knew that he had past problems with addiction, but I was too blinded by love to let that prevent me of making a future with this man. He seemed at the time to be over it and wanted to make a better life for himself. This strength of conviction and his goals of becoming a better man are some of the things I loved about him. I really do regret my decision everyday. I wish I was armed with the knowledge I have now- addiction is progressive, very few addicts ever have a lasting recovery, etc.

It is SUCH a hardship to be married to this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

dan1958

mega I to knew that she drank but didnt know of past problems. I have learned of them since from her daughter. And it explains some things. But I guess I was blind to it and truely it could be getting worse now and I dont realize it. My dad once told me that all things will pass..... I hear what you are telling me also. Its just a lot sometimes to take in

megamysterioso

Well Dan-- you are in my thoughts and I hope that things get better for you no matter what that means (separating or staying together). Please heed my warnings though and listen to your own inner voice most of all. It is a lot to take in. I get great words of wisdom here all the time and cannot find in within myself to just leave. I wish you the best and keep posting. It's helped me.

Jazzman

Sure, she would not have had anywhere near as much patience with me! LOL!!! And the divorce would have been MUCH uglier!