dan1958

Well,I did everything wrong this weekend with my A ?fiancé! That is by not saying anything about here drinking and just looking the other way. Is that what your suppose to do? I know we cant stop it and change it and we make it worse by saying anything. But,it just was getting to me to weekend. Maybe because we had two great days last week. Valentine's day and the day after where special. Now,for about a month after a really bad drinking induced blow out. She was noticeably not drinking as much. Waiting later in the evening for a drink and not right after work or just a glass of wine at night. But,with that I would get her moodiness and sometimes out leaching at me when asked what's wrong. And when we went out to dinner she would find things wrong with the service. Mostly with the drinks or bar tender. I just looked the other way and thought it was just a little over the top. No big deal for me that is. But,this weekend was different. After Friday night out the same thing and having two drinks before leaving. I guess on Saturday I jested snapped. But,what set me off was that we were getting ready to go out to the Art fair and I was in the closet picking out and shirt at the same time as her. Now,this is a Hugh walk in and I was not anywhere in her way. She storms out saying I'll finish when your done. I didn't know I couldn't get in my out closet and pick out a shirt to wear? I said what da??? I didn't know I was bugging you. So,I let her finish and stay out of the way a go fill the car up wit gas. Mostly ,I just wanted to get away for the situation and cool down. Anyway,I come back and I see a Hugh glass and notice its a bloody Mary. Its 11am. It just got to me and I say. Is that a bloody Mary? So what if it is? Bad move on my part,right? I engaged her back as she did me and she storms out. I had no idea where she went so I justed on my motorcycle and went for a ride. I rode for a bit maybe 45 to an hour and found her home. I asked lets go with our plans to the show and we did. By the way another drink for her. Anyway,not the best time of my life. Sunday was the worse after waking to the coldness she doing her taxes I went out to work on my bike. Anyway,later in the afternoon the bloody Mary's start and then her scotches. I get a call from some friends to meet up and she doesn't want to go. One thing lead to another. I get from her that I'm boring and I'm picking at her and that I always under her feet. I cant get any time for myself because your always there. I guess the closet incident. Jezzzz! Anyway,I just needed to get out of the house again, I didn't want to meet the friends on the bike without her. It was just not a place to go without your spouse. I jumped in my truck and got some lunch and drove down by the beach. Came home and watched her pour her scotches. I snapped again and said just drink the whole bottle! Maybe I will. Your the only one that has a problem when I have a drink and that you drink. I said that I don't drink all day long and that I never had a drink and hurt you or someone I love. One or two beers for me is about all I have when we are out. I don't drink alone at home. Anyway, I more venting here then anything. I did say that this is not what I want to go through for the rest of my life your drinking! You need to fix it! I stormed out to the garage and cleaned my bike. Now,I yell back at her. But,I don't start it she yells first and blames it on me. I need to work on that I find it hard to not yell back when I getting blasted. Anyway,her thing is that she is going to leave and is sick of me and the controlling,blah,blah,blah. Its all me right. Well,she has a rental condo in a not so nice area that Im always getting it throw up in my face that I will go live there. Now the least is up on the 13th and the guy is moving out. By the way I had a guy go by this weekend to look at it to see if it was acepable for him. He in working here with me on a contract and has his family and home in another state. Now I dont know what to tell him know! Part of me wants to just let her go and the theother doesnt! Now,I treat this woman like a queen and she has a beatuful home with and a dog that loves her to. What pissing me off is that she would just throw that away and live in a dump just so she can drink everynight as much as she wants. Why does the drinking brother me? She drinks heavy stuff almost every night and finishies off the night with wine. I have to look at her with a glass in her hand all night. Why does this brother me? She gets up in the moring and goes to work fine and does good at her job! Maybe,this should be it and let her go. All I know is that once she moves out theres no coming back! I just dont have that in me. Anyway,I think Im venting a litte to much here. Thanks

mallowcup

Wasn't Valentines Day a deception? Mine was the same as yours. The good day wasn't worth the hope it brought. I get to see my husband with a coffee cup in the morning. Then diarrhea, then he pretty much has a bud can glued to his hand all day. I have come to hate the sound of the pop top!

Jazzman

Boy this all sounds SOOO familiar Dan. The bitchy moods, unpredictable behavior, no privacy, (to drink w/ nobody counting them). Obviously she was trying to get a grip on her drinking but she can't manage her intake, it still manages her. The smallest stressor event sends her to "old familiar" for solace. She's mad at herself b/c her attempt to manage her intake failed so who gets the brunt of the anger? The next person that happens to walk into the room! She's in denial and you're on the roller coaster along for the ride. Unless she's willing to admit she has a problem and needs help,(and gets help) this will continue for as long as YOU can last. Sounds like you might be at a decision making crossroads. Good luck Dan.

denny57

I thought I was the only one not allowed in the walk in closet while my AH was! They say if you stick around long enough you will hear your stories from someone else. I look back now and see it was probably as Jazzman says - my AH was realizing his drinking was out of control and trying to deal with it himself. He still is, just not in our home. As Jazz says, I just couldn't last any more. It's all so confusing because we try and reason it out in a sane manner. Not possible with this disease. I wish you good luck, too. I know it's difficult.

dan1958

Thanks guys. To anwser mallowcup. I hated the sound of the ice dispenser and the water. I know what that's about to be a scothy.
I know Jazzman youve been where Im now. Sometimes its hard not to think. Well maybe Im to hard on her. But,why does it brother me that she has a drink every day? I think because I see that its because she has to have a drink.?

mallowcup

My father drank and I got in the habit bery young to just agree with everything he said when he was drinking. I'm not sure why it fell to me to DEAL with him. I don't remember where my mother was. He died a year ago today. He was an old man when he died and hadn't drank for years, the memories are still there. I guesss I vbecame conditioned to deal with him by not confronting him or ever pusheing any of his buttons. If I sat and listened to him babble long enough or rant long enough, he'd just fo to bed and leave my brothers and sister alone. As a kid, I guess I detached back then. I didn't even hear what he said or try to understand it. It may have been wroing but it was my mode of survival back then and it kept us all safe. Now, I lose it once in a while too. So what. The cork has to blow or we would explode. I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment. I have a feeling today is just starting. It will end with another car accident or a DWI.

dan1958

Why Im I the bad guy because I see where this is going and its not good. Not good for our relationship at all. She has to know that. If it was something I did that was bad for us I would do my best to fix it. Thats what kills me She wont or doesnt want to change.

megamysterioso

Amen Mallowcup!!!!! My AH used to be glued to a Bud can, all day, everyday. Like Dan though, my AH gets up, goes to work and does fine throughout the workday. Now that my AH is "trying to 'cut down' for the sake of our marriage," he has switched to less beer, but Icehouse nonetheless (higher alcohol content) so not technically "less beer." I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY loathe the sound of the pop top. When I'm in the bedroom alone and he's in the other room drinking alone and I hear that "pop," it makes my SKIN CRAWL. Oh BTW- my AH used to have what he thought was irritable bowel syndrom- diarrhea ALL the time. Now that he's "cut down," he doesn't experience this nearly as much. Can you say "beer sh*ts" anyone?

Jazzman

Addiction has a built in self preservation mechanism, denial. Add to that YOU represent what her conscious mind is trying to deny, something her subconscious mind knows. She knows she's addicted to alcohol. You rub it in her face just by being there. You could be the best in the world at keeping your mouth shut or not rocking the boat. It doesn't matter. You represent a person that has no problem managing your alcohol intake, AND you recognize the fact that she can't. She's busted.
She does, it's just that the addiction has taken priority over your relationship. If she doesn't get help odds are sooner or later it will be a priority over her own health, her own carreer, her own daughter.

A nice house, good man and a cool dog are much lower on the list of priorities.

You're right.

Pick-a-name

Dan.........I am so sorry; I've been there,too...............UGH! But I do thank you very much for posting this. My blinders are starting to come off and reading this made me see my own situation in a new light, and that in helpful for me. In fact, I am going to print this so so I do not forget this....the next time I wonder it it is really "just me"..it isn't, but my own perspective about it is important. (btw.same kinds of moodiness, complaints, blaming, etc,etc)

As for the sound of that beer tab......YUCK! Just reading mention of it brought back the sound (AH hasn't lived here for a long while) and all the emotions that go with it. (btw, he "isn't drinking as much" per him so who knows BUT he drinks a lot more wine ,too so I am sure it just might mean fewer trips to the bathroom for the same buzzzzzzz.ha)

Hugs and well wishes to you all...you have helped me ALOT today, all of you. THANK YOU!

JessicaNAJ

B/c you are trying to get her in way of what she wants to do. Only she can decide if and when she is ready to not drink. If she does know she has problem, you reminding her how much she's drinking will more than likely cause a defensive reaction. Focus on you and your serenity.

dan1958

Well here's a copy of email I snet her this morning?

Tell him whatever you need to. It’s taken by me on the 13th so it’s not available. ( her response)






Hi sweetheart Bob drove by the condo this weekend and he liked it. I didn't know what to tell him. I just said we cant get a hold of the guy. xxxooo

dan1958

Well thats is thats all I get Im the one who started all this uglyness! Its such a waste. She'll never admit to any of it Im the one who started all this. I admit I fought back at times. But,I never started it never once.
Jazzman is proably right. What do you tell someone who you loved/love and thought they loved you. If i could keep my mouth shut what would happen drinking out of controll or does she have it just in controll. Thats what she wants. Maybe she'll find someone who it wont bother. Most likely she will for awhile until they see it surface. Not knowing what to say sorry for the babble

denny57

Sorry to hear this is happening, Dan. Do you attend Al-Anon? One of our slogans: let go and let god. I wish you strength through this.

megamysterioso

Hey Dan. I've found while dealing with my AH that if you turn the other cheek and not fight with him that it is better ON ME. It has spared me a lot of unnecessary arguments and nights of misery b/c you CANNOT argue with a drunk and expect "to win." Drunks are totally and completely illogical and irrational. Me "turning the other cheek" however, has NEVER discouraged my AH from drinking. He has continued to so and chooses to do so til this day.

dan1958

denny no Im not attending Al-anon. It might be a mut point now. Just god and myself.

dan1958

mega- I tired turning the other cheek but I could only hold out so long. Just like she can only stay away for drink for so long thanks

laurie6781

Dan just my opinion but I do believe alanon is not a mute point and it would do you good and give you some great insights into what is happening in your life. Give it a try.

Also check out Amazon.com and get Co-Dependent no more. An extremely helpful book.

And, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing.

Any addiction be it drug, alcohol or both is all encompassing on the person who suffers and ON THE FAMILY and FRIENDS. It has been said that 1 practicing alkie/addict affects 20 others around them.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Love and (((((to all))))),

Jazzman

Dan, now is the time to just be the bigger person. That's the only thing you CAN control. You can wish she hits bottom and gets help but the only thing you get when you come between an addict and their bottom is crushed. This might not help much right now but try to be thankful you're not married and have a few kids.

dan1958

Why I cant bring myself to find an alanon meeting I dont know. Seems that if she doesnt what to get help and leave then I'll deal with the breakup. I wont let myself beg. I know deep down inside that I never fired the first shot. I dont want to be right. I find no presure in being right on this issue! Why cant they see that?
Did you ever wonder if he show was on the other foot how they would react? Just a thought?