Missy

Odd that I get in this morning and find this most popular thread!
Last night at al-anon, we did tradition 12. Putting principles above personalities. You guys are sooo living that and probably dont know that.
I'm starting an official step program this weekend with a great lady who is now my sponsor. I'm so excited about that. And coming to this forum and just reading... is healing already.

minou

Yes, how to detach. How to live a healthy life. But what about my (our) family?? My two kids. Do you just jettison all that so you can be "detached and healthy"??

so, is it NUTS then to be thinking about how to NOT get a divorce with your A husband who is now in recovery (9 months) but trying to figure out how to protect yourSELF from possible future financial ruin if he relapses or whatever. Two kids. Two kids who really, really like their dad cuz he was a maintenance A, not a "drunken" A.
A legal separation?? Notarized documents stating who has what in case of future splitzos?? I am Soooooo confused on how to detach, protect myself, live a healthy life and possibly stay married to this A.
Yeah, Im making most of the $$. Not all I have to say, but a good chunk. he owes alot due to years of secret drinking.
How about a divorce and we still live together? This is insane. HELP!!!! I want it to work somehow.

denny57

((minou))

Have you talked to an attorney yet? There is a way for you to stay in the marriage and separate your assets so you and your children are protected. It might be worth it for you to have the peace of mind.

And no, you are not NUTS :-)

splendra

(((minou)))

Try breaking it down into doable doseages.....Maybe think about what you do for him that is something he can do for himself. Is there something you do for him that he ought to be doing himself? Do you make excuses for him? Cover his tracks? Try to right his wrongs? I used to do these things myself with my H.

My H has children from another relationship and I used to go thru hell and high water to make sure he sees his kids and when they would visit I wold knock myself out trying to make sure everything was perfect for them. I would face his angry ex too and make excuses for his not paying her and also pay his child support. I do love his kids they are good kids. But, it dawned on me one day that I was doing all the work with getting them here(they live 900 miles away) keeping them fed and entertained while he just did his thing. I was exausted from it cause it was too much for me. Now he doesn't see or talk to his kids as much as he used to and the issues he has with his ex are looming large but, I have decided that I am not going to intervien any more. His ex calls all the time demanding money and demanding that I "have" him call her. I told her that I will relay her message but what he does with the info is strickly up to him. She implies that I do not give him her messages see I was doing too much for her trying to keep the peace for the kids and she got it in her head that she could manipulate me too. I can't tell you how good it made me feel to let all that crap go and let him sink or swim.

I of course still pay all my bills keeping my money unaccessable to him. I take care of my son. We have a prenuputial in place because I owned my property before we met I also put in it that all our personal bills are separate including his child support...I did have some brain matter working before the insanity of his addiction started eating at my life. I can't control him and now I know there is really no need to try. He does do better by me now that we are clear about what is mine and what is his...

minou

some good insights there. Thank you.
I think I will see an attny. So you guys don'tthink that is a weird crazy idea to legally separate things and still stay w/ someone?? i justthought wow, that sounds sooooo odd. Not at all the way I was brought up. traditional family and all that. If my parents knew they would be totally shocked and puzzled.
But I guess this is not about them.
My H will totally flip outwhen I suggestthis idea. But I wasthinking today (this is such a good post that got me thinking) that I (with a capital I, ha ha) was totally shocked when I "discovered" he was actually an alc who quietly drank all day. so, I guess it is all equal in a way.
why is it so hard to lay out the boundaries and detach? Just a rhetorical question. I know there is no one rightanswer to that.

DesertEyes

Hi there minou, sorry I'm so late to this discussion.

The only thing weird and crazy is the stuff we have to go thru as a _result_ of the "A's" behavior. My wife and I became financially independent in California thru a document called a "Transmutation Agreement".

http://www.kinseylaw.com/clientserv2...greements.html

Keep posting, and keep reading. These folks have a huge amount of wisdom and compassion.

Mike

minou

mike, THANK YOU. i love it how, on this site, you can get these little nuggets of wisdom and info that are so wonderful.
transmutation agreement. And you actually have one. I feel far less crazy right now, and hopeful that there may be a way my H and I can proceed without throwing in the towel.


ps: If you have time, what is your situation with your wife??

DesertEyes

Wait 'till you get into the real life meetings. Having real people to speak with about this is even more wonderful.

The behavior of an addicted person is truly unpredictable. Trying to make _my_ life adjust to an unpredictable spouse is definetly crazy making. That's why this "disease" is so destructive, why it's called a "family disease", because it takes down entire families when only _one_ member is addicted.

When we married we were poor as church mice. I was only a couple years sober in AA, and we agreed to keep all our finances separate. It was easy back then, all we had was our own battered cars. As the years went by our finances improved. We managed a small savings, then bought a house, then started a business, then another, then invested in real estate, then the stock market. Wherever we could we kept separate accounts, but in a "community property" state like California our real estate remained in both our names.

My darling wife suffers from a serious disability, and over the years she underwent numerous major surgeries. She needs a variety of medications on a continuous basis. We made bucket loads of money, but it all went right back out in her medical bills, hospitalizations and years of disability. About 15 yrs into the marriage her condition worsened significantly. The medication could not control it. She became deeply depressed and was facing life in a hospice or suicide. She endured that horror three long years until a fresh-faced pharmacist with a conscience turned in her HMO for dispensing expired medication.

Once she was on _real_ medication instead of expired her condition reverted back to where she could walk, talk, and even go back to work in a matter of a few weeks. However, a lifetime of pain medication and years of massive doses of steroids had made their impact. She was fully engulfed in the "addictive disease". The next few years were a nightmare, I don't need to tell you what that was like. Somewhere along the way we both agreed that our marriage was in serious trouble, and we decided to make life easier on ourselves by separating out what little assets we had in common.

In the insanity of the addiction we got most of 'em, but we completely forgot to include one property, which is still a paperwork nightmare to this day.

I was willing to completely support her in overcoming the addiction, but she had no interest in that. Along the way she developed an attraction for married men, and I was willing to support her in overcoming that. She was only interested in my assistance in creating appropriate "smoke screens" with which to deceive the wives. I refused to participate in the deception, and for that reason she asked me to leave her.

The divorce was simple. Except for the one property we'd missed there was no problem. I still adore the gentle, loving woman she was and pray that she find her way someday. Losing her to this disease has been a horror, and I still can't share my story in a real life meeting without breaking down. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done or said that would have made a difference. The longer I remain involved in Al-Anon the more I realize that there was nothing I could have done because she had no desire to stop. In many cases my willingness to forego my own "boundaries" actually made the situation worse. The best that I _might_ have done would have been to leave sooner.

During those nightmare years the economy took a bad turn and we had to close down our various businesses. I went back to school and learned a new career. My biological Dad, Mom and uncle all died from alcoholism. My own health problems didn't hold up too good and I eventually had 5 heart attacks. I had to leave L.A. and my friends of 25yrs in search of work.

I'm starting a new life now. I am working thru a temporary agency, hoping to eventually build up a resume to where I can get a regular job. I have made new friends, bought a small condo and am even trying to date again. I will always remember her as the most wonderful person I ever knew.

Mike

minou

wow. you are very strong and brave. after all that trauma and sadness you have been able to find some peace. it sounds like you are good on focusing on thepositive in all that. you remember the part of her that you loved.
i wish you the best and hope you find or have found someone else very special.

DesertEyes

Wow minou, thanx for that wonderful compliment. It's all thanks to these wonderful 12 step programs and the people in this forum. Haven't found anyone special yet, but I'm working on me so I won't get in the way of it happening

Mike

kermit

True as it is, this detatchment thing is the hardest thing I have ever tried. (not totaly detatched yet) This post brought tears to my eyes and a huge wake up call. Thanks.

StandingStrong

Minnie, Thank you so much for having posted this. I have read it a few times now and I really can't agree more with what it says. Finding those "property lines" took me a long long time!!!! Having been enmeshed so much with ah, I truly had no lines dividing his stuff from mine.
It finally took having an event of ah's that I couldn't understand, justify, or defend for me to finally grasp that whole "line" thing. That was just recently - and we've been married almost 18 years!!!!
I will continue to come back to this post though as I feel that it speaks and teaches volumes!!!!!!
Thanks again.

minnie

Bumped for the newbies.

LaTeeDa

I pasted a link to this thread in another thread today, but decided bumping it would be better so more people would see it.

Buffalo66

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! detachment is becoming less elusive everyday!! this really helps me.

hbb

Thanks! I needed this today, need to keep my head on straight and so easy to sway. Thanks again!

aztchr

What is the date in the Language of Letting Go book?

DesertEyes

ya'll want I make this a sticky?

Mike

LaTeeDa

Yes, I vote for sticky. Aztchr, I believe there is an index by topic in the book. Should be easy to find by looking up "detachment."

L

aztchr

Thanks! I forgot about the index. It's May 13 under Property Lines.
Needed to bookmark it.