Any Advice? Alcoholic Wife. I'm Fed Up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Any Advice? Alcoholic Wife. I'm Fed Up.
I am sitting across from my wife at our partners' desk. Her computer and monitor on one side, my stuff opposite it. She's an alcoholic and was up to nearly three bottles of wine a day.
Finally, her shrink, our doc and I got her to submit to treatment.
She got out of detox two days ago after five days under medical supervision. She refused the other 25 days of therapy/counseling that were part of the program.
She's writing a journal of all the various personal slights, etc., that she had to endure in the "coocoo's nest."
And, she has been a gold-plated b!tch today. Sullen, short tempered, entitled.
I have been understanding, thankful that she agreed to go, solicitous. At least, she hasn't fallen off the wagon and into a bottle.
But, Goddamn it, I am tired of this "the world turns because I'm on it" attitude.
Put up with her drunken hallucinations, anger, wanderings, and moping for years, and with the last two years being heart-ripping bad.
I'm setting a deadline of July 1 for myself. Things will get better... no more alcohol,no more deadbedroom, no more *****, or I'm filing for divorce and getting on with what's left of my life.
Finally, her shrink, our doc and I got her to submit to treatment.
She got out of detox two days ago after five days under medical supervision. She refused the other 25 days of therapy/counseling that were part of the program.
She's writing a journal of all the various personal slights, etc., that she had to endure in the "coocoo's nest."
And, she has been a gold-plated b!tch today. Sullen, short tempered, entitled.
I have been understanding, thankful that she agreed to go, solicitous. At least, she hasn't fallen off the wagon and into a bottle.
But, Goddamn it, I am tired of this "the world turns because I'm on it" attitude.
Put up with her drunken hallucinations, anger, wanderings, and moping for years, and with the last two years being heart-ripping bad.
I'm setting a deadline of July 1 for myself. Things will get better... no more alcohol,no more deadbedroom, no more *****, or I'm filing for divorce and getting on with what's left of my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Hi Jack and welcome.
That sounds about par for the course for someone who is probably in withdrawal?
She has only detoxed which doesn't equal recovery. Perhaps after a few more days sober some of the fog will have cleared and she will be more open to attending something like AA?
For the time being it is probably a good idea to detach a bit, perhaps get out more and do what you like to do?
You might find some of the threads in our stickies section interesting, this is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these articles are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
That sounds about par for the course for someone who is probably in withdrawal?
She has only detoxed which doesn't equal recovery. Perhaps after a few more days sober some of the fog will have cleared and she will be more open to attending something like AA?
For the time being it is probably a good idea to detach a bit, perhaps get out more and do what you like to do?
You might find some of the threads in our stickies section interesting, this is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these articles are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Jack,
The problem is deeper than she understands.
It is complicated and at this point completely out of her control.
Until she is utterly ready to fight for her life to quit drinking, it ain't gonna happen. Quitting booze for anyone, especially someone that routinely drinks to black out, is painful. The mental stress is maddening. Not understanding this causes relapse which resets the cycle. It is a death spiral.
Suffering has been my way out. I suffered hellishly, off and on, for a couple of years. Getting used to being sober takes years and even then relapse sits patiently is the shadows 24/7/365. It is doing push ups.
You might be better off cutting your losses now if you are tired of the drama. Otherwise, stay strapped in and enjoy the ride.
Active addicts are not normal. They will do whatever it takes, including lie and make up reasons to fight, in order to drink.
Hope you check in once in a while as your relationship continues because your story might help someone. It also is interesting in a scary way because it is real.
Thanks.
The problem is deeper than she understands.
It is complicated and at this point completely out of her control.
Until she is utterly ready to fight for her life to quit drinking, it ain't gonna happen. Quitting booze for anyone, especially someone that routinely drinks to black out, is painful. The mental stress is maddening. Not understanding this causes relapse which resets the cycle. It is a death spiral.
Suffering has been my way out. I suffered hellishly, off and on, for a couple of years. Getting used to being sober takes years and even then relapse sits patiently is the shadows 24/7/365. It is doing push ups.
You might be better off cutting your losses now if you are tired of the drama. Otherwise, stay strapped in and enjoy the ride.
Active addicts are not normal. They will do whatever it takes, including lie and make up reasons to fight, in order to drink.
Hope you check in once in a while as your relationship continues because your story might help someone. It also is interesting in a scary way because it is real.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I'm so sorry. I understand your pain. I am also giving myself a deadline to get out (March). Only because that's when my lease is up. I hope in the meantime my ABF gets his life together and stops wasting his time and mine. Addiction sucks on so many levels. Living with someone who does not have a clear mind will rob you of living your best life. All my best to you. I hope a spark goes off in your wife's mind and she too will do the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Jack,
Welcome
Glad you found this place, but obviously sorry as the reason you found it is a real bummer.
The great news is you can create a better life for yourself whether your wife chooses to drink or not.
Stick around and keep reading around, collectively we've seen it all so you're not alone!
Peace,
B.
Welcome
Glad you found this place, but obviously sorry as the reason you found it is a real bummer.
The great news is you can create a better life for yourself whether your wife chooses to drink or not.
Stick around and keep reading around, collectively we've seen it all so you're not alone!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
There are so many of us here that can relate to what you are going through right now. It's infuriating that even after all the crap they have put us through, even when they get sober, it just keeps rolling downhill.
An alcoholic in early recovery is barely there, they are so foggy in the head, confused, selfish and just plain mean. If they are not in any type of program, the selfish behavior will continue. In fact, it will probably get worse.
I was where you are 11 months ago. Just thinking about that hell makes my heart race and makes me feel panicky. I can honestly say my husbands recovery has been 10 times worse emotionally, for both of us, than his drinking ever was. He celebrates one year of recovery next month, it's been HARD. But things are much better. Your wife can get there too, but her sitting in the car trying to steer it won't help a bit, unless she's got that car in motion. Unless she gets some kind of help, she will drink again.
Like others have said, just get busy. Stay busy morning till night. Do what you like, hang with friends, go on a weekend day trip etc. It will keep you away from her while she's at her worst, and protect you. She has to sink or swim on her own. You don't have to go down with her ship though.
An alcoholic in early recovery is barely there, they are so foggy in the head, confused, selfish and just plain mean. If they are not in any type of program, the selfish behavior will continue. In fact, it will probably get worse.
I was where you are 11 months ago. Just thinking about that hell makes my heart race and makes me feel panicky. I can honestly say my husbands recovery has been 10 times worse emotionally, for both of us, than his drinking ever was. He celebrates one year of recovery next month, it's been HARD. But things are much better. Your wife can get there too, but her sitting in the car trying to steer it won't help a bit, unless she's got that car in motion. Unless she gets some kind of help, she will drink again.
Like others have said, just get busy. Stay busy morning till night. Do what you like, hang with friends, go on a weekend day trip etc. It will keep you away from her while she's at her worst, and protect you. She has to sink or swim on her own. You don't have to go down with her ship though.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
She is in no way, shape or form in recovery. I did inpatient rehab, and it worked. I was also told that the relapse rate for a 5 day detox alone for someone who had been drinking as much as I had was about 95% or more. Plus the detox ended up taking two weeks as it was.
What do you expect to change in the next six months, or are you just giving yourself time to get your ducks in a row before you file? You actually leaving may get her to change. Remaining in the relationship is merely prolonging the inevitable.
She is not exhibiting ANY signs of someone who's actually committed to recovery, and I highly doubt that she has any intention of doing so at this time.
What do you expect to change in the next six months, or are you just giving yourself time to get your ducks in a row before you file? You actually leaving may get her to change. Remaining in the relationship is merely prolonging the inevitable.
She is not exhibiting ANY signs of someone who's actually committed to recovery, and I highly doubt that she has any intention of doing so at this time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, Jack, and Welcome to SR!
I am glad you found us...addiction of any sort if a horribly baffling, infuriating, humbling disorder.
This, I think, bears repeating.
As others have already said, unless and until your wife decides she has had enough, she will continue to find ways and excuses to drink.
When *you* have had enough is a decision you will have to make for yourself. No one here can advise you what to do, but I hope you will stick around and keep reading. Educating yourself is the best place to start. Once you have a complete picture of the battle your wife is facing you will be better able to make an educated decision for yourself.
Stop by any time to vent or ask questions! Welcome again!
I am glad you found us...addiction of any sort if a horribly baffling, infuriating, humbling disorder.
Originally Posted by D122y
Active addicts are not normal. They will do whatever it takes, including lie and make up reasons to fight, in order to drink.
As others have already said, unless and until your wife decides she has had enough, she will continue to find ways and excuses to drink.
When *you* have had enough is a decision you will have to make for yourself. No one here can advise you what to do, but I hope you will stick around and keep reading. Educating yourself is the best place to start. Once you have a complete picture of the battle your wife is facing you will be better able to make an educated decision for yourself.
Stop by any time to vent or ask questions! Welcome again!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by MindfulMan 
She is in no way, shape or form in recovery. I did inpatient rehab, and it worked. I was also told that the relapse rate for a 5 day detox alone for someone who had been drinking as much as I had was about 95% or more. Plus the detox ended up taking two weeks as it was.
What do you expect to change in the next six months, or are you just giving yourself time to get your ducks in a row before you file? You actually leaving may get her to change. Remaining in the relationship is merely prolonging the inevitable.
She is not exhibiting ANY signs of someone who's actually committed to recovery, and I highly doubt that she has any intention of doing so at this time.
What do you expect to change in the next six months, or are you just giving yourself time to get your ducks in a row before you file? You actually leaving may get her to change. Remaining in the relationship is merely prolonging the inevitable.
She is not exhibiting ANY signs of someone who's actually committed to recovery, and I highly doubt that she has any intention of doing so at this time.
The decision in front of you is should not be conditional, because as you've probably experienced alcoholics are capable of temporarily reining in the chaos until the wolf is no longer at the door. That's the nature of relationships with someone in active addiction. Those times are not so much a deliberate act of deceit as they are a way to protect the long term ability to drink or drug.
If you told your wife that July 1 was the decision point, I would bet a month of paychecks you would be married to a saint in June. So the real question isn't what does she do, the question is what do you want and what are you willing to do to get or keep it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
If you told your wife that July 1 was the decision point, I would bet a month of paychecks you would be married to a saint in June. So the real question isn't what does she do, the question is what do you want and what are you willing to do to get or keep it?
My ex-fiance addict/alcoholic was clean for over a year. During that time we got engaged. Things were good, the wedding plans were progressing -- and I saw his attitude change. I was pretty sure relapse was inevitable. I told *myself* - not him - that if he drank one more time, if he got high one more time, I'd leave him. If I'd told him he just would've done it in secret as long as possible or lie.
One night, on the phone, he told me he'd "had a few beers". The next day I returned the ring and never looked back.
It was the absolute best decision of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
I'm so sorry for your pain. I completely understand how you feel, as do most of the people you will encounter here.
Being on this forum has helped me a great deal. The advice here is invaluable.
Have you tried al anon? I've been going the last 6 months. It's been helping. It helps to you know you aren't alone. They will teach you how to take care of you.
Being on this forum has helped me a great deal. The advice here is invaluable.
Have you tried al anon? I've been going the last 6 months. It's been helping. It helps to you know you aren't alone. They will teach you how to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
From someone who has been there. Setting the date is probably a good target for you. Consider Alanon for that period of time and really work the program. She will sink or swim but you will have a life jacket.
Someone told me to "cut my losses" also. It was good advice, harsh as it may sound. No regrets.
Someone told me to "cut my losses" also. It was good advice, harsh as it may sound. No regrets.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Start detaching now. You have nothing to lose. If and when she gets herself together enough for you to consider working on your marriage there will be time enough then. There is no need for you to have to be miserable along with her. Recovery is hard work and she has to be strong and committed enough to it to keep at it with OR without you. You don't owe her anything. It's your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Many thanks to all for your kind understanding. Writing this on Christmas Eve as she’s in bed — has been since 7:30 — and I’m just sitting in a chair in the bedroom. She hasn’t had anything to drink. So that’s great and gives me hope. But she is so difficult and so self centered. I long for the smart, kind, interesting woman I married 10 years ago.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
MJ, the first weeks of sobriety are brutal. Mood swings, poor memory & cognition, plus cravings - much of this goes away after about 4 weeks, but the entire process takes over a year. Support but do not micromanage, would be my advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Many thanks to all who have offered good thoughts and good advice. I was able to get back to my original profile: Rev 3:16 -- a verse that speaks to not doing things half way, or lukewarm. (A computer tune up had eradicated a bunch of files and included my app storing names and passwords for different sites. I'd signed up with another during a time of frustration.) Thanks to the SR admins for helping with the tech stuff.
I'll be back later today. Feeling betrayed and not hopeful, yet there's a carrot dangling ahead of me. Whoever said "Life is just one damned thing after another and then you die" was 100 percent right.
I'll be back later today. Feeling betrayed and not hopeful, yet there's a carrot dangling ahead of me. Whoever said "Life is just one damned thing after another and then you die" was 100 percent right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Tonight, one week out of detox and she's drunk.
She went to bed at 6:30 after hanging out in her study for about two hours while I did things around the house...took care of animals and finished a handyman project. She's slurring words, marginally coherent, unsteady on feet. Has hiccups and is close to barfing as she drinks water to get rid of the hiccups. Angry that our down comforter isn't warmer and searches around the house in the nude to find another blanket.
I'll be writing out a timeline...partly as a help for me to keep things straight.
Sorry for the length
She got out of detox on Friday, Dec. 21. She refused the additional 25 days of residential therapy/counseling complaining that it was "stupid," overly religious (she's agnostic) and the people there were losers and lowlifes. When we got home, she got mad at me because over the four days she was in detox, I'd gotten rid of a half case of her champagne and shipped a half case of expensive red wine to a friend. "Well that was presumptuous. I paid for that myself."
Weekend, Dec. 22-23 she was short tempered, noncommunicative and intent on writing out her story with all the indignities she'd suffered in medical detox. (If this sounds like she's some princess, far from it. She was raised on a farm and made her way it what used to be called a "man's occupation.")
Christmas Day, she was distant and generally nasty. A while back, we'd decided to get a joint present...new sound system for the truck we use all the time and share equally. But, I'd gotten her a Christmas card, written a loving note and gotten a small box of nice chocolates. She got me nothing. She did make a nice and complicated Christmas dinner.
Wednesday, Dec. 26, I had to go to the university medical group about 18 miles away to have stitches removed from a minor surgery two weeks before. While I was away, I checked Find My Friend a couple times and it showed her at home. I called and it went to voice mail. When I got home, the truck had been moved, seat and steering wheel adjusted for her and parked at an angle in the garage. I checked our accounts and a $42 charge had been made at the market. She said nothing about getting food, or leaving the house. That afternoon, I went to her study to talk about dinner and she had a glass of wine on her table. I was absolutely floored and said; "You promised me you wouldn't drink." She said, "It's just a glass of wine." I felt absolutely betrayed and just left the room. In retrospect, I should made an issue of it then, but I felt I didn't have enough information about what to do. She's stubborn and a "you can't control me" personality who will do what you complain about to spite you. As a professional, I dealt regularly with unstable or crisis situations and a good part of crisis management is making a decision as late as possible because the situation is dynamic and the basis for a decision changes. But, maybe that's just an excuse for my inaction.
Thursday, Dec. 27, I talk to our primary care physician. She said she would refer my wife to a university center addiction specialist, if my wife agreed to go. If there was a chance she wouldn't go, then out of respect for her colleague's time, etc, the doc wouldn't refer. Doc also wanted to see my wife to go over medical tests from detox and to talk with her about the referral. I said I'd discuss things over the weekend and have an answer Monday. Meanwhile, wife has been manic ...painting our office area, baking, and then collapsing just after dinner.
Today, Friday Dec. 28. I go to the gym in the morning after feeding animals. Wife continues painting...we have no meals together... she's "not hungry" when I am, and we both have projects. About 4 p.m. she comes downstairs from her study carrying a glass of wine, she putters around and goes back up. About 5:30 p.m. I finish my stuff, find the dog with a piece of glass in his mouth and go up to ask her if something broke and discuss dinner. She's got a full glass of wine. She's not hungry and wants to be left alone. She's also mad at me because she designed something for our little farm operation and it totally was unworkable. I pointed out the flaws and she got pissed. I make dinner for myself and afterward go up and she's ****-faced.
So now what? I'm open to advice, but my plan now is to start off tomorrow morning after the immediate chores with a discussion of the previous days' drinking and that our physician wants to see her and wants to refer her to a university addiction specialist. Probably the discussion I should have had this morning...she thought she got away with drinking the first day and so it got worse rapidly the second day.
If she won't cooperate, then ?
She went to bed at 6:30 after hanging out in her study for about two hours while I did things around the house...took care of animals and finished a handyman project. She's slurring words, marginally coherent, unsteady on feet. Has hiccups and is close to barfing as she drinks water to get rid of the hiccups. Angry that our down comforter isn't warmer and searches around the house in the nude to find another blanket.
I'll be writing out a timeline...partly as a help for me to keep things straight.
Sorry for the length
She got out of detox on Friday, Dec. 21. She refused the additional 25 days of residential therapy/counseling complaining that it was "stupid," overly religious (she's agnostic) and the people there were losers and lowlifes. When we got home, she got mad at me because over the four days she was in detox, I'd gotten rid of a half case of her champagne and shipped a half case of expensive red wine to a friend. "Well that was presumptuous. I paid for that myself."
Weekend, Dec. 22-23 she was short tempered, noncommunicative and intent on writing out her story with all the indignities she'd suffered in medical detox. (If this sounds like she's some princess, far from it. She was raised on a farm and made her way it what used to be called a "man's occupation.")
Christmas Day, she was distant and generally nasty. A while back, we'd decided to get a joint present...new sound system for the truck we use all the time and share equally. But, I'd gotten her a Christmas card, written a loving note and gotten a small box of nice chocolates. She got me nothing. She did make a nice and complicated Christmas dinner.
Wednesday, Dec. 26, I had to go to the university medical group about 18 miles away to have stitches removed from a minor surgery two weeks before. While I was away, I checked Find My Friend a couple times and it showed her at home. I called and it went to voice mail. When I got home, the truck had been moved, seat and steering wheel adjusted for her and parked at an angle in the garage. I checked our accounts and a $42 charge had been made at the market. She said nothing about getting food, or leaving the house. That afternoon, I went to her study to talk about dinner and she had a glass of wine on her table. I was absolutely floored and said; "You promised me you wouldn't drink." She said, "It's just a glass of wine." I felt absolutely betrayed and just left the room. In retrospect, I should made an issue of it then, but I felt I didn't have enough information about what to do. She's stubborn and a "you can't control me" personality who will do what you complain about to spite you. As a professional, I dealt regularly with unstable or crisis situations and a good part of crisis management is making a decision as late as possible because the situation is dynamic and the basis for a decision changes. But, maybe that's just an excuse for my inaction.
Thursday, Dec. 27, I talk to our primary care physician. She said she would refer my wife to a university center addiction specialist, if my wife agreed to go. If there was a chance she wouldn't go, then out of respect for her colleague's time, etc, the doc wouldn't refer. Doc also wanted to see my wife to go over medical tests from detox and to talk with her about the referral. I said I'd discuss things over the weekend and have an answer Monday. Meanwhile, wife has been manic ...painting our office area, baking, and then collapsing just after dinner.
Today, Friday Dec. 28. I go to the gym in the morning after feeding animals. Wife continues painting...we have no meals together... she's "not hungry" when I am, and we both have projects. About 4 p.m. she comes downstairs from her study carrying a glass of wine, she putters around and goes back up. About 5:30 p.m. I finish my stuff, find the dog with a piece of glass in his mouth and go up to ask her if something broke and discuss dinner. She's got a full glass of wine. She's not hungry and wants to be left alone. She's also mad at me because she designed something for our little farm operation and it totally was unworkable. I pointed out the flaws and she got pissed. I make dinner for myself and afterward go up and she's ****-faced.
So now what? I'm open to advice, but my plan now is to start off tomorrow morning after the immediate chores with a discussion of the previous days' drinking and that our physician wants to see her and wants to refer her to a university addiction specialist. Probably the discussion I should have had this morning...she thought she got away with drinking the first day and so it got worse rapidly the second day.
If she won't cooperate, then ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
If she won't cooperate, then ?
I'm sure you know, trying to have a rational discussion with someone drunk is a waste of time. Trying to have a rational discussion with someone hungover or still in the throes of addiction isn't likely to be productive but there is no harm in trying. Maybe she will agree to see the addiction specialist and maybe it'll help.
Regardless of what she says, watch her actions as you are doing. That's your answer.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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