lyn_blossom78

I know, I know, I need to get to an Alanon meeting.I know I would get a lot of the answers I need, but I have so many responsibilities, and I know my A will be furious, and start a big blowup fight if I go. And my kids do not want me to go, because then "everyone" will know our deep-dark secret.

I got a book on Alanon, that is a devotional, and I think I've figured out what the 12 steps are. I believe I've been doing about 10 of them, but one of the things really bothered me. I need to make a list of the people I've "harmed" and make amends with them?

This is where I get a little confused. I know that I've lashed out in anger (more around my kids than anyone, although there are a few other people I've "been angry" around), but for the most part, the only reason I have talked with other people is because I really needed someone to talk to. It was not to degrade my husband, or make him look bad. Most of it was a year ago, when I thought there was no other way but to divorce him. Since then, I have grown a lot, and have developed a close relationship with my HP, and it has really helped me out, and in staying with him. Was/am I wrong in going to my closest friends, and siblings, and talking with them? I thought I was going to need help with this at the time. I really was desparate! I still am, really. I wonder each day how much more I can take, and am I really getting anywhere?

As far as my kids go, they are all old enough to know the problems. I try to minimize the situation as much as I can, but I can see their pain, and when they sit on my lap late at night (mostly my 15 year old daughter) with tears streaming down their faces over the latest wound that he has created, I pray with them, and try to comfort them. I pray with them to help them overcome the anger and hatred they have for him.

Perhaps when he drives away on his motorcycle and they all look at each other, and at me with a certain look, and finally one of them voices the thought that is each of our heads--maybe he'll wreck, and we won't have to worry about this anymore. Should I say "now, now, you don't really mean that!"? When I know they do?

My son slept with a ballbat for awhile, just in case he got woke up in the middle of the night again over some "terrible" thing he did, like not taking the trash out. Last evening my husband grounded him for 2 weeks for not taking the trash out. 2 weeks! He isn't allowed to do anything now! We don't watch TV, only videos--"A" mandated, of course. Now he's not allowed to go anywhere, play on the snowmobiles or 4 wheelers, play on the computer, watch videos, talk on the phone, or anything! Not that he'd be allowed to go anyways. There's always an excuse if he wants to go somewhere--either his room isn't clean enough, or he hasn't cleaned out the garage, or he when to youth group, why should he need to see a friend twice this week? No logic to any of it. I feel like we are all in a prison.

I don't feel like I cut him down to the kids, though they know I don't agree with all the decisions he makes about the kids. Their pain is not so much caused by what I've said, but what he has done to them. I'm not allowed to say they can do something, because as soon as I do, he will say I shouldn't have let them for one reason or another, and then say I was not being a submissive wife by not asking him first. I can't give permission for anything. I just tell them to ask him, because I will be in trouble if I give permission. He is much more likely to say yes to them anyways, as he wants to be against anything I say. It's like a punishment or something to me. It's his way of controlling everything I say and do. If I say, I think we ought to get pizza tonight, he will say "no, I think we should save our money and eat at home, oh yeah, I forgot you did cook a meal once this month!" (I cook a huge breakfast every morning, "A" mandated, and I fix supper quite often, if I'm not running kids, and he is never there to eat it). If the kids ask if I can go get pizza, sweet-talking him, he'll say, well, I suppose it would be alright this once.

So, do I owe any apologies? I really need to know, if I've been wrong in the way I've dealt with this. If so, I will make amends.

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam today.

Lyn

openseason

Yes you are in prison. Mind and body. First I would start by cutting the breakfast down to mangeable. A good breakfast is wonderful but husband does not help. So cut it back to only the most nutritious foods and he must help if he wants it elaborate. It sounds like you are working yourself to a stroke. You have the sober brain and have to put you foot down whether he is a drunk otr not. You are doing way too much. Start giving him things to do in the morning and if he dosent do it explain it to the kids when he is not around. Alcoholism needs silence. Have you read the book, "Alcoholism A Merry Go Round Called Denial". When I read your post I am living my childhood all over again. Rent the movie "This Boys Life" a true story about a kid from an alcoholic home. I hope things get better soon, because alcoholism gets worse if you cant break out of its negativity.

sadgrandma

Hi Lyn_blossom;

I'm new here too, but have a thought.
check this link
http://womensissues.about.com/librar...lencetypes.htm

I was - am- concerned about my daughter's new boyfriend. Particularly because he has 3 kids and they seem frightened of him. My daughter has one little boy, 4 years old. So I was checking on the web for info about abuse signs. There were some really good sites, but this maorning I can't find the same ones. . This one is pretty good. though.

You know you have rights! As a human being, as a citizen. What you are describing is a breach or obstruction of your rights and the rights of your children ....

Easy to talk from the outside, I know.

It's so wonderful that you are able to come to this forum.

Hugs and prayers

sadgrandma

sugar52

dear lyn, so sad the situation you are in. hope you can get to alanon or call the 800 number and ask them to mail you newcomer info.
you are living in a hell and i can't believe at this point that you can move at all. i do want to tell you, that my counselor told me " a child is only as healthy as the healthiest parent in the home. also same sex parents are the role model for their kids. i have 6 kids, so i know where you are coming from. he sounds like a dangerous controlling angry monster and you are teaching your kids that this is how you and they should be treated. i'll pray for you and i fear for you. read the sticky posts here and try to start with an awareness of the family illness that you're living. please try to remember that you and the kids have a hp that wants the best for all of you. step one is powerless over alcohol, (not helpless). thoughts for meditation and prayers fofr guidance.
tons of hugs
ps do something nice for you today.
love sugar

kimmy20

I too can relate to open. It is just like living my childhood years all over again. My sisters and brother would also wish that when our father left to go on one of his binges that he would wreck so we would no longer have to continue the misery. Even though its a horrible thing to think you can't help it. I can also relate to you on having your husband push you over all the time. My father too behaves like that. Basically, its like he doesn't think my mother should have a mind at all just do whatever he says. She cooks 3 meals a day, cleans the house, pays the bills, and also takes care of the kids while he spends most of his time sitting his butt on the couch. He says she has no self esteem but after living with him who would? A couple years ago she got a job that she really liked but my father didn't like that she was gone so he did some "house cleaning" while she was away on training and threw away most of her clothes all her books. Anyways, my point is don't let him push you around. Learn to stand up for you even if its just a little at a time. You and your family are in my prayers.

openseason

Alcoholism is a disease that can pass down from generation to generation in an unbroken chain of broken lives.

Josie

Blossom,
I am praying for you and your children.
Although there is no physical violence,
you and the children are being emotionally
violated.
There are free counseling services, I
wish you could sneak out and talk to
someone about this. Is there anyway
you could do this-they also have these
services for the kids. Look under
family services or domestice violence
in the yellow pages. You don't have to
be hit-they are there for you. Just
wanted you to know that there is this
avenue, in case you didn't know.
Thinking of you.

(((HUGS)))

lyn_blossom78

You guys are just great! Thanks for all your help. Sneaking out would be so hard since I work with him all day and run kids most evenings to their "events". I will see what I can do, though.

The website was really helpful too, thanks.

The message today in my al-anon book was really deep for me. It said "How can I make myself aware that my weak-kneed acceptance of an unacceptable situation is a reflection on my own self-respect? Wow!

This last year has been a real growing experience, and I've come a long way with my walk in the Lord, it has been wonderful! But this last 2 weeks talking with this forum has really helped me take a look at the whole picture. I am growing by leaps and bounds, now.

You guys are great!

Lyn

sadgrandma

That's all....just good going!

Hip Hip Hooray!

sadgrandma