Minx1969

L verbally accepted the new job outside the bank at the $$ he wanted..

He's doing great..

I on the other hand am sinking fast..Not doing well at all..very full of fear..

Didn't have a very good weekend at all..

Friday night we went to a happy hour at some bar nearby..I am not fond of happy hours in general but went to catch up with some people that L and I worked with while I was at the bank..

I was not a happy camper..seriously..the bar was full and all I could think of was that I would rather be at an open AA meeting or an Alanon meeting..

So..no more happy hours for me..All they did was talk about work anyway..I'm not there anymore so I really had nothing to contribute..I changed the subject once and this other guy took control of the conversation once again..

after the happy hour, I wasn't really in the mood to be around anyone (including L).

Saturday wasn't much better..Since i'm not working, I notice I'm sleeping alot more and I'm wondering if I'm starting to get depressed..L got up and I stayed in bed b/c I really wasn't ready to face the world..Did some reading in some of my Alanon literature to get motivated and went to make peace with L who I'm sure is not quite used to my moodiness.

We went to a dinner with his family and some family friends on Saturday night..by the end of the night all I wanted to do was be alone so L went to his place so I could crawl into bed (at 10 pm)..He told me to call him when I was ready to talk..I decided Saturday night that I really didn't want to go to a Superbowl party so I called him and told him..it was a very short conversation..he said he was ok with it but since he doesn't usually talk about his feelings i really don't know..

Finally yesterday I got up, went to riding lessons (bright spot in my day - I did 2 jumps in a row..Yippee)..called L briefly to tell him about riding, Had lunch with a girlfriend, went to a movie and ignored the superbowl.

Didn't hear from L (think he was still giving me my space) so I finally called him at 11 pm.. We normally talk about 5 times a day so it feels weird not to talk at all..

Think one part of my problem is I keep saying yes to things I don't want to do to please him (hmm..sound familiar) so that's why I said no to the super bowl party..just really didn't sound inticing..

L and I made a deal to keep the family time (with his family) to a minimum..it's still at least once a week (the agreement is 2x a month) so I guess I'll have to enforce that by not going if I don't want to..there are things that I want L and I to do together as a couple on weekends but every weekend we are at his parents house or something else..so our weekends are cut short..

I'm having a hard time enforcing my boundaries..L doesn't react at all (we dont' argue) but I'm feeling like a 'bad guy' because I want to have my own life and not want to spend all that time with his family..part of my recovery is to keep my own life in a relationship and not get caught up in someone else's life..it's not easy!

Also - since he got a new job I'm feeling really fearful, insecure etc. about not having a job..Part of me feels that he is going to to leave me any minute..

This is not a great way to feel..

So I'm going to try and go to a meeting today..Make a few phone calls, get out of my head..

thanks for letting me vent..

pmaslan

Hi Minx....
Sorry you are feeling so down right now. Being out of the loop feels lonely
at times. I know when I wasn't working and went out with old co-workers
I felt the loss. This will pass. I know you are working with a recruiter, but can
you do some temp work in the meantime? This may help you to feel like you
are out there and not missing something.
I don't blame you for not wanting to get wrapped up in the whole drinking
thing. I too stayed home with my kids to watch the superbowl. Didn't want to go
to any of the house parties or to the pubs big bash.
You are going thru a lot of adjustments right now. Do the things you enjoy,
like riding and meetings. Do the things you are most comfortable with.
As always, keep the focus on you, what will be wil be...
Hugs to you my friend.

elizabeth1979

Minx, Im sorry you are troubled.
I have to add something here, and if Im offbase, please put me in my place.

I have found that part of my upbringing, my people pleasing, my codependent nature, my attraction to chaos, and my slip in any recovery almost always results in the feeling of inadequacy and in turn becomes my fear of abandonment. If I dont do what people want me to do, I am fearful of being left alone in the dark.

Obviously, you work a program, have recovery and know what you need to do. That doesnt however mean we dont all have backslides in mental and emotional judgement.

Hope your meeting is what you needed and life becomes less of a challenge and more of a joy this afternoon

Girlfriend

So true, Elizabeth!

Hi Minx,

I know what you're going through. I'm going through it now. Same feelings. My job is a temporary seasonal one every year from Sept-Jan. I've been there 4 years. I love my job, I really do and I miss it. It always feels like a second "home" to me. I keep in touch with the girls I worked with (except for the one that was a new temp this year and was kinda overbearing!)

I love coming home after a day's work, even if I'm tired as heck, I still feel good about having accomplished something each day.

There are more jobs available this year than there was last year, so that's good news. But, I pick apart new job possibilities cuz I'm afraid that I won't do well in them. I need to get passed this low self-esteem hump and get back up again.

But, that takes time. And, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We don't know the reasons always, but eventually we can see them.

I've got to stop being hard on myself for the mistakes I've made recently. There are enough people out in the world that judge us in whatever way they want to, let alone us doing it to ourselves. I notice that I need these things first to get back up on my feet:

1) time alone to rest and regain strength. Work through my fears and anger, otherwise, it does turn into depression.

2) allow myself bad days and good days

3) treating myself to a makeover or joining a new class

4) getting out and meeting new people. Volunteering is GREAT.

5) keep talking/journaling out my feelings and not internalizing them. And, go to Al Anon.

6) I know when I've had enough and I get back up and get out there again and try to learn from this experience once again.

I don't stay down long, but I do go through those valleys. I wonder about what this person thinks about me or that person.......and ya know what? It's useless. Who really cares? Everybody has their own set of issues to work on.

I'm praying for you, Minx. Please pray for me. It sounds like you have a great guy who loves you and doesn't cause you drama. THAT"S AWESOME! It doesn't seem like we're making progress, but we are.......even in the dark days.


((hugs))

Minx1969

Thanks Patty, Sarah and Girlfriend.

Amazing the difference a few days makes..I'm feeling much stronger and better today (and not so hopeless)..

Been journalling more, went to a meeting, talked to my life coach and I'm going to walk through this day by day..

Sarah Elizabeth, I do have major issues with abandonment (goes back to a belief I acquired as a child)..I did some work with a friend yesterday who is a hypnotherapist about that inner 7 year old..My inner 7 year old likes to rule the roost.....anyway i have a new perspective on some of that stuff..but yes even having healthy behaviors (like taking me time) can sometimes trigger a relapse..the good news is today they don't last as long..

Girlfriend - this is the longest I have ever been without a job (2 months). I never really realized how it would affect my self esteem..I did some good work yesterday with my life coach about beliefs about not working..turns out I have this belief that if I'm not in a 6 figure corp. job I'm worthless...how twisted is that..We talked about my role models (Mother Theresa came to mind) who took a vow of poverty...so I realigned my beliefs to see that just because I'm not working at the moment doesn't mean I'm useless or worthless. I am still a good person..

I went and had a pedicure the other day which helped..

Today I have a riding lesson and I'm using my friend's laptop to send out resumes..

GF - I'll pray for you too!