Question for the board
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
disease
T , you should keep reading and posting. Addiction is a disease. Its a disease, and the symptom is a loss of control even though the user is experiencing negative consequences from the drug use. Yes T you have the disease of addiction if you have tried to stop smoking but have been unable to quit. All of the medical community recognizes addiction as a disease. Alcoholism is a primary chronic disease that only has two outcomes, insanity or death. Thats why there are two worlds sober or straight. Sober people are "squares" and "bible thumpers". Drug users are "cool" and "the in crowd". LOL
Guest
Posts: n/a
T....
No one is defending an alcoholic. We are defending the right to take the time to work through our issues at our own pace. There are people who stay with there A's and live a happy life. There are people who leave.
I left 2 relationships for this reason and haven't been in a relationship for 12 years. I chose to leave yet I will still defend the right for everyone here to move at their own pace and make their own choices.
I think you are misunderstanding what we are doing here. I'm glad you did what was best for you. I hope you continue to do so. I'm glad you were able to leave a relationship that wasn't healthy for you.
Don't feel the need to come here and try to rescue us. We don't need to be rescued. We are working very hard on deeper issues so when we do make choices these issues won't pop back up at a later date.
If you are here trying to control our choices and rescue us from our decisions maybe you continue to have issues of codependency to deal with.
Hugs,
MG
No one is defending an alcoholic. We are defending the right to take the time to work through our issues at our own pace. There are people who stay with there A's and live a happy life. There are people who leave.
I left 2 relationships for this reason and haven't been in a relationship for 12 years. I chose to leave yet I will still defend the right for everyone here to move at their own pace and make their own choices.
I think you are misunderstanding what we are doing here. I'm glad you did what was best for you. I hope you continue to do so. I'm glad you were able to leave a relationship that wasn't healthy for you.
Don't feel the need to come here and try to rescue us. We don't need to be rescued. We are working very hard on deeper issues so when we do make choices these issues won't pop back up at a later date.
If you are here trying to control our choices and rescue us from our decisions maybe you continue to have issues of codependency to deal with.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
T-
Leaving the addict in your life seems to have been the right decision for you. We respect that. We applaud it, in fact. Heck, we applaud anything that smacks of getting on with your life. IT'S OKAY! The rest of the world doesn't have to do exactly what you're doing to validate your actions. They're valid if they've brought you peace and direction. I understand that little part of a conscience that feels guilty for "giving up". I know the insecurity of seeing other people choosing another path and letting that chip away at my confidence. The mistake is thinking that for me to be right, those other people must be wrong. IT'S OKAY! You don't have to convert the Methodists to make it okay for you to be a Presbyterian.
Hugs,
Smoke
Leaving the addict in your life seems to have been the right decision for you. We respect that. We applaud it, in fact. Heck, we applaud anything that smacks of getting on with your life. IT'S OKAY! The rest of the world doesn't have to do exactly what you're doing to validate your actions. They're valid if they've brought you peace and direction. I understand that little part of a conscience that feels guilty for "giving up". I know the insecurity of seeing other people choosing another path and letting that chip away at my confidence. The mistake is thinking that for me to be right, those other people must be wrong. IT'S OKAY! You don't have to convert the Methodists to make it okay for you to be a Presbyterian.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
This has just been a fascinating read for me. Thank you all, especailly T for starting it. It brought to mind one question that I had along time ago and then forgot as I got busy doing something elsd.
Why do you stay? (wives I mean)....We alcoholics can be so difficult to live with so why stay.
I read the reasons given on that fact sheet by T and I think there are some very valid points made, don't you. Maybe not to all but some alanons certainly fit in one or most of those categories listed.
I guess my real question is what do you who stay get out of being in an alcoholic relationship? How can it be healthy to stay? I think that is what T is asking.
N
Why do you stay? (wives I mean)....We alcoholics can be so difficult to live with so why stay.
I read the reasons given on that fact sheet by T and I think there are some very valid points made, don't you. Maybe not to all but some alanons certainly fit in one or most of those categories listed.
I guess my real question is what do you who stay get out of being in an alcoholic relationship? How can it be healthy to stay? I think that is what T is asking.
N
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
T,
I wanted to add one thing and please forgive me if I am repeating what someone else has said. This has gotten to be a very long thread.
If you had first posted here on the occasion when he stayed out all night after you were back together for a month you would have sounded alot like many of the ladies here who are staying. You had your reasons for giving him another chance and you remained with him through some very difficult times. Then your time came and you had had enough. True?
Staying today does not mean forever. You can remain married one day at a time and leave your options open. You can stay while you the make financial adjustments and logistical decisions that make it possible to leave when and if you become ready.
No one will leave until they are ready, not even you. You remarried him and then stayed for 3.5 years. Some leave before they even make the commitment to marry because the know that is not what they want. Bravo for them! Some walk down the isle knowing what they have but are determined to change them (now THAT is something I don't get!) It is alot easier to cut and run before the wedding. Some stay for a lifetime and work a program of there own and are relatively happy and some stay for a lifetime living a toxic life.
If you meet even half of the above criteria that you posted above...you know what? It doesn't make a bit of differance. When you walk out that door you take you wth you.
Hugs,
JT
I wanted to add one thing and please forgive me if I am repeating what someone else has said. This has gotten to be a very long thread.
If you had first posted here on the occasion when he stayed out all night after you were back together for a month you would have sounded alot like many of the ladies here who are staying. You had your reasons for giving him another chance and you remained with him through some very difficult times. Then your time came and you had had enough. True?
Staying today does not mean forever. You can remain married one day at a time and leave your options open. You can stay while you the make financial adjustments and logistical decisions that make it possible to leave when and if you become ready.
No one will leave until they are ready, not even you. You remarried him and then stayed for 3.5 years. Some leave before they even make the commitment to marry because the know that is not what they want. Bravo for them! Some walk down the isle knowing what they have but are determined to change them (now THAT is something I don't get!) It is alot easier to cut and run before the wedding. Some stay for a lifetime and work a program of there own and are relatively happy and some stay for a lifetime living a toxic life.
If you meet even half of the above criteria that you posted above...you know what? It doesn't make a bit of differance. When you walk out that door you take you wth you.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Ninerfan - I know this may sound kind of harsh, but I don't know any other way to say this: If you have followed this post and you're still asking those questions, then maybe you need to go back and read through it again. I could pick a quote at random from almost every reply in this thread that explains what you are asking. That said, I agree with you that this has been a fascinating thread with both sides of the issue addressed.
Peace.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Ninerfan.
The same reasons people stay in any relationship. Companionship, social status, financial reasons, affection, children, attachment....
My dad was warm, affectionate, honest, funny, dependable, a good provider and loved us. Now why would my mom want to stay with a person like that? Hmmmm....
The same reasons people stay in any relationship. Companionship, social status, financial reasons, affection, children, attachment....
My dad was warm, affectionate, honest, funny, dependable, a good provider and loved us. Now why would my mom want to stay with a person like that? Hmmmm....
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
why some stay
T: I read on of your earlier posts. You said you were married to this man when you were 18 and he drank too much at that time. Then years later you got back together with him. So you knew the guy had a drinking problem but maybe were hoping things would be different the second time?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Thank you Margo...I took your advice and went back and reread some more posts. And as I'm writing this response I'll be damned if the answers didn't just leave my head again. Anyway I got my answer and it is an individual thing.
I remember attending an alanon speaker meeting in early sobriety that made my story seem tame. Hell it made ten alcholics stories seem tame by comparison. And I left there thingking how can that person stay in that situation. Why doesn't she get out for good? Never look back...It still doesn't make sense to me. That women is still with 'her man' She's moving on with her life and hoping, I guess, that her man will get his s--- together.
T makes a very good point about us having only one life and we should make the best of it. I hope it works out for all of you just the way you want it to.
N
I remember attending an alanon speaker meeting in early sobriety that made my story seem tame. Hell it made ten alcholics stories seem tame by comparison. And I left there thingking how can that person stay in that situation. Why doesn't she get out for good? Never look back...It still doesn't make sense to me. That women is still with 'her man' She's moving on with her life and hoping, I guess, that her man will get his s--- together.
T makes a very good point about us having only one life and we should make the best of it. I hope it works out for all of you just the way you want it to.
N
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: oh
Posts: 51
Ninerfan
It may not be something you ever get. It's alot like the questions WE ask! Why do you (the addict) do it? Why don't you quit when there is a family standing behind you that needs you (You being anyone, not YOU specifically).
The reason I love these boards so much is because many other people here DO understand and HAVE been there. I can try to explain to you, but I can never clearly portray the dynamics for you so that you can FEEL why I stayed. Without the personal and emotional investment, it seems like a black and white issue. Maybe you have to trust that it is not so B&W, the way we have to trust that addiction is also not B&W.
Why do some addicts/alcholics figure out they they have a problem and get sober, while others struggle for years? So many questions on BOTH sides are simply unanswerable...or at least there is no cookie cutter answer that can easily address that question.
Much love
~piggle~
The reason I love these boards so much is because many other people here DO understand and HAVE been there. I can try to explain to you, but I can never clearly portray the dynamics for you so that you can FEEL why I stayed. Without the personal and emotional investment, it seems like a black and white issue. Maybe you have to trust that it is not so B&W, the way we have to trust that addiction is also not B&W.
Why do some addicts/alcholics figure out they they have a problem and get sober, while others struggle for years? So many questions on BOTH sides are simply unanswerable...or at least there is no cookie cutter answer that can easily address that question.
Much love
~piggle~
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Nothing possative !
Hi folks ,( I can't firgue out the quote right now so please bear with me),
I have always been a religous person But it wasn't until I started working the 12 steps of Al-Anon that I began to to be a spiritual person......so something very possative came out my living with the desease of Alcoholism, would I want to go back and do it again...NO way. WOULD I have found this wonderful program if everything was mildly perfect in my life, I doubt it. It takes what it takes to get me to where God wants me to be.
I love the program, the support I get from people who have been where I have been. The ability to share and be understood and still be accepted. A program that helps me gain new tools for living life one day at a time with conscious contact with my H.P.
When I can not remember there is a H.P. in my life I can call a whole list of people who will remind me...& now I have all of you.
Yes, something very real and very possitve came out of my living with the desease of alcoholism. Just for today I no longer ask WHY anything or anyone is in my life. Nothing in my H.P.'s world is by mistake. Will I ever have all the anwsers? No, I don't believe so. SOOO I work the accpectence part of this program..
I can't.
He can!
So let Him!
Sunbeams and blessings
Hi folks ,( I can't firgue out the quote right now so please bear with me),
I have always been a religous person But it wasn't until I started working the 12 steps of Al-Anon that I began to to be a spiritual person......so something very possative came out my living with the desease of Alcoholism, would I want to go back and do it again...NO way. WOULD I have found this wonderful program if everything was mildly perfect in my life, I doubt it. It takes what it takes to get me to where God wants me to be.
I love the program, the support I get from people who have been where I have been. The ability to share and be understood and still be accepted. A program that helps me gain new tools for living life one day at a time with conscious contact with my H.P.
When I can not remember there is a H.P. in my life I can call a whole list of people who will remind me...& now I have all of you.
Yes, something very real and very possitve came out of my living with the desease of alcoholism. Just for today I no longer ask WHY anything or anyone is in my life. Nothing in my H.P.'s world is by mistake. Will I ever have all the anwsers? No, I don't believe so. SOOO I work the accpectence part of this program..
I can't.
He can!
So let Him!
Sunbeams and blessings
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