Dalloway

OK, here's my question. I have been working really hard on getting a life and detaching, and I don't get how to fit in all the "big" reality issues. For instance, my friend, who incidentally comes from a whole family of alcoholics!, really thinks we should do an intervention. Maybe she is working through some savior issues of her own. I don't know. I am sort of in who-gives-a-s*&^@ mode right now (BTW, Is that a stage or something?), but I said OK, but in spring, so that if he doesn't want to go into treatment I can move forward with selling the house and getting on with my life and getting my kids out of that situation.

Then there's the question of custody? In my state everyone I know has 50%/50% custody. It's very much the norm. Should I be keeping a diary or something to prepare?

Do you see what I'm talking about? There's inside work I need to do but this other stuff has to be dealt with too and I'm not sure how to go about it.

GettingBy

I guess the bigger question is: What do you want? Do you want to a relationship with your husband? Or do you want to seperate/divorce and move on with your own life?

When I live in the here and now, I accept life on life's terms. For me, I have chosen to stay and have a relationship with my husband. In doing that, I accept the fact that he's an alcoholic, he's sick, and there's not a damn thing I can do to change that for him. I chose to live with the disease. If I didn't want to live with the disease, then my choice would have to be to seperate from him... because there's not a damn thing I can do to cure the alcoholism. I can't say, "I'll stay with him IF he gets help and sobers up" because there are NO GUARANTEES.

When I first started my recovery, I kept telling everyone, "I'll be happy WHEN he gets sober. I'll be peaceful WHEN he learns to control his spending." I let all of my happiness and serenity be dependent on what my husband didn't or didn't do. In recovery, I learned to live and enjoy life independently from those around me. That didn't mean I stopped loving them or spending time with them. What it meant was I stopped letting their moods, feelings, actions dictate mine. I stopped living "reactively" and started living "proactively." I started making my own choices based on what I wanted.

When we handle first things first, all those "big" reality issues tend to fall into place all on their own.

Blessings to you for your journey!
Shannon

dax

Well if you don't think he should have joint custody because he is a drunk, document everything he does that you think will show he is an unfit parent. dax

Gabe

If it is, I go in and out of it on a regular basis.
Dall, I think you have to decide which way you're going to go first.
Then you can start planning and taking the necessary steps to get there.
Having a plan is a very worthwhile endeavor.
That way, you can do something each day to push your plan along.