Direct People are a Joy to be Around
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
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Originally Posted by minnie
There is only our own perception about most things, isn't there? I guess keeping to "I" statements avoids a lot of bother.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
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If I saw a child run past me and hide, followed by a group of men with weapons asking me if I had seen the child there is no way in hell I could claim honesty was the best policy! Therefore I know honesty is not above all other things - I'm sure of that. I can't remember where I read the above example but I was convinced by it - I fully agreed. I seem to remember it being followed by saying we have a responsibility to use our intelligence in difficult situations!
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
You say jT,that if you had youre hair green,that you would valve the last person response.Im wondering why,if all the responses you got from the others was their truth,from their own perceptives.The one who says nothing,may very well feel nothing,positive or negitive about your green hair.Considering it an non issue.Ask them what they think about it,they simply say nothing,because they dont know what their feeling about it.
Number 2,those folks may very well think that green hair is cute,thinking finally someone got the balls to be different,and they really believe that green hair is cute looking on you.Hides the grey,,lol..May even go get their hair done green too,.Ya just never know.Folks are different.
Ahhhh,but you went for the ladt response.Why?Because im guessing this is how you yourself is feeling about green hair,in general,and the last response agreed with what you yourself believes......From Kermit the frog,its not easy being green,,,lol...
Im personally understanding by this example,that all the folks were being honest in their own way.Some speak up,some just let it go..
When i ask folks anything i know that all i will recieve from them is coming frrom within themselves,their perceptions.And to my own mind they may very well be off base.Being direct does not mean for me,that i even have to utter a word.
Principals before personalities..We see things not as they are,but as we are...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless and take care!!!!
Number 2,those folks may very well think that green hair is cute,thinking finally someone got the balls to be different,and they really believe that green hair is cute looking on you.Hides the grey,,lol..May even go get their hair done green too,.Ya just never know.Folks are different.
Ahhhh,but you went for the ladt response.Why?Because im guessing this is how you yourself is feeling about green hair,in general,and the last response agreed with what you yourself believes......From Kermit the frog,its not easy being green,,,lol...
Im personally understanding by this example,that all the folks were being honest in their own way.Some speak up,some just let it go..
When i ask folks anything i know that all i will recieve from them is coming frrom within themselves,their perceptions.And to my own mind they may very well be off base.Being direct does not mean for me,that i even have to utter a word.
Principals before personalities..We see things not as they are,but as we are...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless and take care!!!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I find I like to get past all the sugar and fat and find the beating heart of a matter.
My mom lies alot and I can remember when I was young and trying to know what was real I had moments of confusion because she lied so much. It was like what I precieved was wrong.
My mom lies alot and I can remember when I was young and trying to know what was real I had moments of confusion because she lied so much. It was like what I precieved was wrong.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
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Originally Posted by equus
If I saw a child run past me and hide, followed by a group of men with weapons asking me if I had seen the child there is no way in hell I could claim honesty was the best policy! Therefore I know honesty is not above all other things - I'm sure of that. I can't remember where I read the above example but I was convinced by it - I fully agreed. I seem to remember it being followed by saying we have a responsibility to use our intelligence in difficult situations!
then it makes sense. think about it.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
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I do feel that life is partly about surviving in crampt, demanding, complex conditions. We get through. Ask anyone and they will say life is tough. Moral contradictions are part of this.
I think, and endorse, a rational approach to these failings is key, and keeping one eye on what we value.
but to start disliking people because they are "not honest" or worrying about being direct or not surely is a minor thing in the grand scheme.
I am a "keep myself to myself" person when dealing with people. If I like someone I let them see a little of me, and then bit more etc, and if I like them I persue to see more of them. I will not, nor ever will, start barking out "honesty" to people who I think need it. Rubbish.
I think, and endorse, a rational approach to these failings is key, and keeping one eye on what we value.
but to start disliking people because they are "not honest" or worrying about being direct or not surely is a minor thing in the grand scheme.
I am a "keep myself to myself" person when dealing with people. If I like someone I let them see a little of me, and then bit more etc, and if I like them I persue to see more of them. I will not, nor ever will, start barking out "honesty" to people who I think need it. Rubbish.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
FD, thanks for starting this thread - it's really got me thinking.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by minnie
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
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Originally Posted by minnie
FD, thanks for starting this thread - it's really got me thinking.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
This horrible condition brings about capitalisim, world wars, relgions, atom bombs, but also love, kindness, charity, and compassion, oh, and poetry too.
Good luck with your condition. I am sick of it. But its getting better.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
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Originally Posted by minnie
FD, thanks for starting this thread - it's really got me thinking.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
For me, there is a difference between being direct and being rude. I have come across many people in my life who make a virtue of "being direct", when in actual fact they are giving themselves free reign to be impolite and tactless. Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
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Saying the first thing that comes into my head is never a wise move - if I did that, I bet most of my posts would start with "For f**ks sake." But that would be neither helpful nor conducive to the kind of relationship I wish to have with people, nor is it actually what I really think if I give myself time to think over my response.
(Emphasis added)
(Emphasis added)
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
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Good topic here friends.
I think the value of truth comes in the sanctity of honesty. I may not appreciate someones views, but can appreciate their honesty, regardless of the topic (the men with weapons chasing the child scenario omitted of course).
I typically try very hard to not blurt out the first thing on my mind in many situations for the same reasons Minnie listed.
Being direct and tactfully honest are two different animals in my book. I aim to be tactfully honest.
I think the value of truth comes in the sanctity of honesty. I may not appreciate someones views, but can appreciate their honesty, regardless of the topic (the men with weapons chasing the child scenario omitted of course).
I typically try very hard to not blurt out the first thing on my mind in many situations for the same reasons Minnie listed.
Being direct and tactfully honest are two different animals in my book. I aim to be tactfully honest.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
FOB - you have a lot to offer and less to correct than I have but it's you I want to stay not directness at the expense of everything else. Sometimes it (not you) is anything but a pleasure to be around.[/
What a hoot to wake up and see that my pal FD had written a thread in my support. Whoo hoo, Christmas has come early, or as JT said, perhaps my funeral? LOL
Luckily, I dont feel the need to defend myself on my directness or lack there-of. To each his own. I have a side of the street that I maintain the best way I can, and hope others do the same.
And if they don't, Im gonna get them a broom for Christmas.....or maybe a snow blower for the big turds left behind.
Thanks for talking about me, guys, and for those of you who choose to take my inventory, please give it back when your done, then keep what you like and flush the rest. :Flush:
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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My .02 worth.
I have learned in the program of recovery that the only words I should listen to are those said by folks who are sharing their own personal experience. Everything else is simply irrelevant. When other people share their experience I have the opportunity to extract a few tid-bits that may be helpful to me in my life. The rest I will file away for future reference.
Over the years I have come across many different folks, both in real life and in cyber. There have been many rude ones, many direct ones, many tactful ones and many many others. So far, every last one of them has taught me something. All of those people were wonderful examples of how my life would become if I practiced my program the way they practiced theirs.
So far, none of those people have caused me any harm whatsoever. Not a single word, by even the rudest of them all, has ever injured me in a physical way. If I choose to give power to other people, that is _my_ choice. Just like I can choose to give power to my addicted spouse. I have learned in the program of recovery that I have the right to make my own choices, so I choose to ignore the words of the rude and offensive people.
Actions are a different matter. The actions of my addicted spouse caused a great harm to my marriage. A part of that harm is _my_ responsibility, because I chose to place myself in a position where I could be harmed.
Thanx to the program of recovery I choose not to give power to rude and offensive people. I believe my ability to make that choice, a form of "boundary and consequence", is one of the most important skills I have learned in this program. I believe it would be a dis-service to other folks who have not yet learned that lesson if I were to protect them and rescue them from the opportunity to learn how to make and maintain that choice for themselves.
Mike :-)
I have learned in the program of recovery that the only words I should listen to are those said by folks who are sharing their own personal experience. Everything else is simply irrelevant. When other people share their experience I have the opportunity to extract a few tid-bits that may be helpful to me in my life. The rest I will file away for future reference.
Over the years I have come across many different folks, both in real life and in cyber. There have been many rude ones, many direct ones, many tactful ones and many many others. So far, every last one of them has taught me something. All of those people were wonderful examples of how my life would become if I practiced my program the way they practiced theirs.
So far, none of those people have caused me any harm whatsoever. Not a single word, by even the rudest of them all, has ever injured me in a physical way. If I choose to give power to other people, that is _my_ choice. Just like I can choose to give power to my addicted spouse. I have learned in the program of recovery that I have the right to make my own choices, so I choose to ignore the words of the rude and offensive people.
Actions are a different matter. The actions of my addicted spouse caused a great harm to my marriage. A part of that harm is _my_ responsibility, because I chose to place myself in a position where I could be harmed.
Thanx to the program of recovery I choose not to give power to rude and offensive people. I believe my ability to make that choice, a form of "boundary and consequence", is one of the most important skills I have learned in this program. I believe it would be a dis-service to other folks who have not yet learned that lesson if I were to protect them and rescue them from the opportunity to learn how to make and maintain that choice for themselves.
Mike :-)
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