L8YNRED

Hello all,

This is a great time of year. I actually love it. I love to cook and have my people all around me. Holidays have gotten better in the last few years - the worst of my A's are all dead now, so all that is left is one recovering addict b/f, one alcoholic brother and a house full of codies. That works pretty well, except:

I always "do" Christmas at my house - big place in the mountains where it snows, makes sense to do it there. Everyone comes and stays over for several days and it is chaotic and fun. However, my brother buys a 12 pak every night and proceeds to quietly drink until he goes to sleep (passes out).

I finally got up the nerve to lay down a boundary; I told my him I didn't want any alcohol in my house and if he wanted to drink every night he would have to get a hotel room and do it there. Pissed him off good. He refused to come.

Boundary stayed up for about three days until my sister in law called and begged me to do something so she and her son wouldn't have to miss out. So, I ended up telling my brother to do whatever he needed to do to be okay but to try to respect my wishes as much as possible. Whatever that means - he gets lots of wiggle room on that one. We shall see how it goes, but I understand they booked a hotel room...

How do you all handle such a thing? Do you tell your people don't come over if you are going to drink here? Do you "deal with it"? How about just quit doing the holiday thing altogether?

Jazzman

When My ex was sober for a VERY short time, I told her family this is an alcohol free zone, we would love to have you over but there will be no Vodka here and I would ask that you respect the new boundry in our home. My Father in law refused to come over. No great loss actually, he didn't want to see is daughter get sober because then the spotlight would be on him to do something...

I say your house, your rules, regardless of the outcome. Didn't have to quit the holiday, there were just no drunk people around, that's all.

pmaslan

Don't give up something that YOU love. I think the hotel idea is great. When he gets the urge to drink he can excuse himself and head on down the road.
As you will hear from many, and I totally believe it as well...Your house, Your rules, why would anyone expect anything less.......

TomsGirl

People think nothing about being told there's no smoking in their house so what's wrong with telling people there's no alcohol. It's the new rule in my house and that shouldn't be a problem because now only my brother and his housemate are the drinkers in my immediate family. They can just go out to his car to drink their beer or stay home.

tabuki

My heart goes out to you I struggle with the same things, I come from a long line of professional drinkers and users. We always get together on the holidays. I tell them that my sobriety is very, very important to me and I will not allow anyone or anything to get in the way of it. If it means hurting other family members feelings by setting some ground rules that may not be acceptable to them, so be it. My soberiety is more important than hurting my families feelings over a ground rule like that. It works for me and most of my family respects that. I too have a brother that takes issue, but you know what, so be it. The rules are not threatening his life, they are threatening mine. We still have very memorable holidays with ground rules.

reikihelps

In our Italian household, hospitality always includes providing food and drink.(How's that for eternal justification for excessive drinking!!!) I hear your dilemma, L8ynred.
I know this - if our A was in recovery I'd give my right arm to support it and it that meant keeping the house substance free I'd do it. Unfortunately I think I'm more interested in his recovery than he is at this point. Do what you need to do. Those who love you will support you all the way.

Mrakaronni

Hi L8YNRED,

I completely empathize with your problem. I am very early into my recovery and I also must host Holiday gatherings. What do I tell my own family members who actually are only social drinkers? I like what others have said about smoking in their house. I quit smoking over 20 years ago and I ask friends and family to smoke outside, in the garage or in our basement. Maybe you could establish a “drinking room”. Does the thought of others drinking bother you because you might be tempted yourself, you don’t want others to be tempted, or you just don’t like alcohol around you? I have had to face the fact that my problem is mine and nobody else’s. I enjoy watching Football, but I can’t call the NFL and tell them to not run Bud, Coors, Becks and Miller commercials. And with the Holidays upon us, radio and TV keeps reminding us that “this brandy, wine, bourbon, vodka, whiskey, etc.” is the ONLY way to make our Holidays Merry. And how many beer commercials tell men that if they drink enough of their product they can enjoy two women at once (12 packs should come with free tablet of Viagra to help with performance problems).

Sounds like you have a beautiful retreat in the mountains that people like to come and relax at. I am in a similar boat. I own a lake house, and what do people like to do on hot, sunny afternoons while hanging out on my boat? You got it,,, drink! I no longer supply the free beer, wine and booze. I may have the cooler but if you wan’na drink, you bring your own. And if you become stupid and embarrass yourself, you will most likely not be allowed back at my house.

So ask yourself a few questions please. Why don’t you want people drinking around or in front of you? Would you allow for a separate drinking area? I’m sure that social drinkers wouldn’t have a problem with your no tolerance rule,,, if they do then they’re not just social drinkers. Is it that certain people habitually get “hammered” and create a scene at these events? If they do normally make a scene, asking them to show up and stay sober may not be any better. Nothing like having an ornery, cynical, sarcastic, sober drunk at a family gathering.

Ultimately, it’s your house and your call. Do whatever makes you feel the best and most comfortable. But just like with any good friendship or marriage, consider compromise. Good luck. I hope you enjoy the time with your friends and family. Mrakaronni.